http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=tony-blair The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 26 May 2013 07:03:26 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59320#post-172355 Tue, 09 Apr 2013 10:21:43 +0000 815T0 172355@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It appears as though we have a spammer in the works. :-o </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59320#post-172303 Tue, 09 Apr 2013 09:04:20 +0000 815T0 172303@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I actually remembering climbing in a window at infants (with a friend) to get first dabs at the little bottle of white stuff. Don't know why we did it. Just rebellious I suppose. Got caught though and received the slipper and a letter to mummy! </p> <p>re: Post - Perhaps it should be cannonisation? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59320#post-172298 Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:50:03 +0000 irreverendJ 172298@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>she buggered my childhood when she stole my milk </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59320#post-172296 Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:48:51 +0000 815T0 172296@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>^^^^^^^^nice^^^^^^^^^ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59320#post-172294 Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:43:36 +0000 Titus 172294@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Moves by the Roman Catholic church towards the canonisation of Margaret Thacher have been thwarted by the failure to find any evidence that she ever engaged in or endorsed the sexual abuse of young children. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59320#post-172290 Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:12:28 +0000 815T0 172290@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Today the Vatican has announced that Baroness Thatcher has been accorded the very rare privilege of a fast track canonisation. An internal source close to the Holy See has revealed she will sidestep the usual Venerable, and Blessed, and will achieve the status of Saint Margaret of Grantham within the year.<br /> Penny James chair of Grantham Catholic Association, said to have been campaigning for this for over 16 years, has told reporters, "I am ecstatic about it! Everyone I talk to is either very keen on this or instantly crosses themselves which is surely a sign from God. The other day a parishioner saw her face in a slice of toast. " This has been confirmed with Catholic investigators as supplying the necessary miracle. Ms James added, "There are plans to open a gift shop next to the church but goods will not be on sale to miners."<br /> Tony Blair is said to be working tirelessly behind the scenes with Catholic friends in Holy Orders for the benefit of his great mentor.<br /> Dominus Vobiscum </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54995#post-158927 Sat, 19 Jan 2013 22:33:41 +0000 Squudge 158927@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yoink! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53954#post-155648 Sat, 29 Dec 2012 15:52:04 +0000 Squudge 155648@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ta - all better now.</p> <p>If it weren't for some of the lesser-known genuinely deserving recipients I might have added a pic of a large poo with a medal stuck on it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53954#post-155647 Sat, 29 Dec 2012 15:16:05 +0000 dvo4fun 155647@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice rant Squudge </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53954#post-155637 Sat, 29 Dec 2012 13:23:40 +0000 Squudge 155637@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Number Ten and the Palace are said to be 'stunned' by the news that the wrong New Years Honours list has been published.</p> <p>According to the Palace, there was a minor lapse in security on Boxing day, when Philip and Camilla got a bit drunk and 'hacked' the list before the Queen got to it. "Satire, I'll show them bloody satire", the Royal Consort is reported to have quipped, before giving a two-fingered drunken salute and sliding off the pouffe in front of HRH's PC.</p> <p>The Queen's equerry, Lt Cdr Andrew Canal was visibly distressed. "It was meant to be a private joke. I mean, really, Cherie Blair, for 'women's issues'? Camillla was in fits writing that one. As for giving the bloke who steered the Banks down the drain a Knighthood!" &lt;appalled&gt; "That one was down to an offhand remark by the Queen over the turkey and stuffing that Philip decided to act upon".</p> <p>Palace officials are said to be re-vamping security after someone gave Lord Coe another gong on the spoof honours list for 'services to Lord Coe', and Tracy Emin got one for relentless and exemplary self-promotion.</p> <p>The Palace has denied the accusation that Metropolitan Police commissioner, Bernard Hogan-Howe, got a comedy knighthood for 'Plebgate', or that Wills challenged the Queen to say "Arise Sir Bernard of Plebsville" when it gets presented.</p> <p>The only error reported to have been spotted in time and redacted was the 'The Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle', to be awarded to Tony Blair (or 'shoved up the only part of him that isn't orange') for services to international peace and security. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131451 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 17:29:05 +0000 The Masked Frog 131451@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I liked it </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131425 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 15:07:10 +0000 button 131425@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good idea. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131424 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 14:44:35 +0000 Carter 131424@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the advice and the praise, chaps. Appreciated.</p> <p>Tried a different ending and ditched the Diana stuff. Good idea? Shite idea? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131412 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 13:10:13 +0000 dvo4fun 131412@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yep a good body of work here already Carter</p> <p>"and a million Iraqis into corpses" ouch </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131411 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 13:07:47 +0000 button 131411@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Really good, 5 stars from me </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131410 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 13:00:29 +0000 waylandsmithy 131410@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Really, really good. Agree that it could do with a better punchline, but still worth 5.</p> <p>Maybe he should reference his switch to the catholic church, and how that might be a fundamental constitutional barrier to being queen. But since he's brought the issue up, it's now time to forget and move on? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131402 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 12:39:14 +0000 NewSuburbanDad 131402@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What about organising a car crash to remove the current queen? Like the writing style - you've certainly hit the ground running </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131401 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 12:18:27 +0000 cinquecento 131401@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>like it, stars, though last line maybe needs a twist in it </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45675#post-131398 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 11:34:40 +0000 Carter 131398@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Former Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Tony Blair, today announced his intention to return to public life but this time as the nation's unelected figurehead.</p> <p>'I take nothing away from the current Queen who has done an amazing job but a modern nation needs a modern representative. One who is young but not too young, let's say late fifties, and one who is across the vibrant culture of today. We're talking the kind of Queen who goes on holiday with Cliff Richard and once met someone from Oasis - I think it was one of the Northern ones.'</p> <p>Asked if he was expecting a rocky road to the balcony at Buckingham Palace, Blair replied confidently:</p> <p>'I've always been unafraid of making big changes. I turned Labour into New Labour, crumbling hospitals into decent healthcare providers, and a million Iraqis into corpses.'</p> <p>'I know the people of this nation and they're not afraid either. They're the kind of decent, hard-working citizens: a few pints on the weekend, vote during Strictly, two weeks in Spain, eat at Nandos, bollocks to it, I've got no idea how the proles amuse themselves get an intern to Google it and for fuck's sake don't read this bit out – AC, who would be happy to see someone else wearing the Imperial State Crown, or a Philip Tracey hat and lavender ensemble on less formal occasions.'</p> <p>Blair outlined the changes he would make to the role of monarch with one crucial difference being communication.</p> <p>'Elizabeth II has never given a sit down interview, taken her jacket off at a heavily moderated town hall-style discussion or chatted to the press while casually holding a mug of tea. During my reign such moments would be a regular occurrence with the more spontaneous entered into the diary months in advance to ensure a successful roll-out and delivery. And I will of course be available to friend on Facebook and followed not just as the most important strand in the dazzling multi-cultural carpet of 21st Century Britain but, in a very real sense, on Twitter as well.'</p> <p>With the deft skill of a seasoned politician Blair was quick to raise then dismiss the notion that his being a recent convert to Catholicism poses a fundamental constitutional barrier to his becoming Queen. </p> <p>'Look, I'm a pretty straight guy and now I've brought the issue up it's time to forget it and move on. The same advice a lot of Catholic priests have been giving to their younger parishioners for years and I find it tremendously encouraging. Whether applied to an alter boy who's finding all that priest stuff hard to swallow or to a nation that's a little to obsessed with detail when it comes to things like starting wars, isn't it time we all forgot it and moved on?'</p> <p>In a surprising move, Blair declared that he would retain Prince Philip as Queen's Consort.</p> <p>'I have met Prince Philip on many occasions and always found him to be wonderful company.'</p> <p>He went on to point out that spending time with a plank-thick, overprivileged racist who can't open his mouth without saying something ridiculous and/or offensive was second nature to him on account of his close friendship with George W. Bush. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41856#post-119420 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 10:24:04 +0000 clicktingstampz 119420@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Government plans to announce a 30p-a-litre rise in fuel duty at the exact moment Usain Bolt crosses the finish line in this summer's Olympic 100-metre final.<br /> It is one of a series of bold bad news announcements being planned by the Coalition, to best take advantage of the public's attention being diverted by the London showpiece.<br /> A senior Government source said: “The 100-metre final is the biggie and we're not going to miss out.<br /> “We'll only have about 9.6 seconds to make the announcement, possibly 9.5 if the wind's on his side , so we've got to get it right.<br /> “If Bolt does his hamstring in during a heat, none of us will be re-elected.”<br /> The MP admitted that should Mo Farah take the lead in either the 5,000 or 10,000-metre races, the Coalition will pounce to scrap the Winter Fuel Allowance for the elderly, who will instead receive a thin blanket and some Ovaltine vouchers.<br /> Tom Daley's appearances in the diving event could be used to bury a lower-profile bad news story, such as the resurgence of Blue Tongue Disease, or a further increase in university tuition fees.<br /> Labour MP Tom Hinchley said everybody in Britain should be praying this summer's Games are a total washout.<br /> “I'll be sticking pins in a Usain Bolt voodoo doll, that's for sure.<br /> “And imagine if England's footballers so much as win a corner at the Euros.<br /> “The Coalition will probably announce that global warming's about to claim half of Norwich.”<br /> This summer's announcements will continue a long tradition of bad news being buried at strategically opportune moments.<br /> In 1939, Neville Chamberlain famously waited until the entire country was out watching Gone With The Wind before announcing that Britain was at war with Germany.<br /> And despite her having passed six days earlier, Buckingham Palace did not announce the death of the Queen Mother until March 30, 2002, the same day it was revealed that Nelly Furtado, Ash and Rolf Harris would be playing the Pyramid Stage at that summer's Glastonbury Festival.<br /> And in 2006, Tony Blair memorably pointed skywards and yelled: “Look, an aeroplane!”, before quickly announcing that Iraq had no Weapons of Mass Destruction and was less of a threat to global security than Malta. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31484#post-89052 Wed, 05 Oct 2011 09:29:59 +0000 Clarky 89052@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tony Blair has been asked to bring his years of political experience to bear on a vexed question: should poodle owners be allowed to use hairspray on their pooches’ topknots?</p> <p>Flying in to take up the Kennel Club appointment, former poodle and now international peace-envoy-for-hire Mr Blair commented, ‘Obviously I’ll, you know, listen carefully to both sides. But, speaking personally, if my years of acting as Bush's poodle taught me anything, it was – there’s nothing wrong with a touch of hairspray on the quiff, or even a suspicion of powder on the nose. Just don’t let your owner talk you into invading any countries. OK?’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24595#post-66755 Wed, 04 May 2011 05:53:57 +0000 ronseal 66755@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tony Blair's graveyard sound bite technique has finally been recognised by his opponents. He's to be rewarded in the next honours list, for his pioneering work, copied by all parties, for spinning in someone else's grave.</p> <p>It was his ground breaking work during the death of Princess Diana that first brought his talent for grave-spin to public attention. As he bit his bottom lip, choked back non existent tears and lip synched a pre-recorded sound track scripted by Rasputin-like hench mentor Alistair Campbell, Blair sent the cadaver of Diana Princess of Wales into overdrive, creating a lasting legacy of spin that will be enjoyed by wonks of all political persuasions.</p> <p>Now, with the death of Osama Bin Laden, we're reminded how skillfully Blair can hijack tragic events for the publicity purposes. </p> <p>"What a tragedy Tony Blair wasn't Prime Minister in the age of Twitter," said one social media guru, "he's the best Twiterati this country never had." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64626 Wed, 13 Apr 2011 08:37:13 +0000 be reasonable 64626@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Feel free to use this one if you want:<br /> <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21050" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21050</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64620 Wed, 13 Apr 2011 07:59:05 +0000 Oxbridge 64620@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mr Bush vowed to continue defending America's borders against terriers. However, Monty, a three-year-old border terrier from Ledbury, Herefordshire, said that he was perfectly capable of defending himself. Added Monty: "Yap yap yap yap yap. I love you. What's for supper? Yap yap yap yap yap." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64595 Tue, 12 Apr 2011 21:45:11 +0000 Screenie 64595@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cant beat a good dog pun. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64480 Tue, 12 Apr 2011 10:58:56 +0000 Ostsee 64480@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>One should not mock the afflicted, though I do not suppose he is any more afflicted than those who elected him. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64464 Tue, 12 Apr 2011 10:01:08 +0000 SteveCut 64464@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love it, Batmankoff. I've reworked it a bit. How about something like this:</p> <p><strong><u>Bush declares 'War on Terriers'</u></strong></p> <p>Former U.S. President, George W. Bush is remaining vigilant in his retirement. He is now calling for assertive action against what he terms as 'irresponsible canine fundamentalists and their reactionary running dogs.'</p> <p>Bush's initiative is a result of friction with his neighbours, Cletus and Baylee Johnson. The Johnsons' twin cross terriers, Osama and Adnan, are understood to have gained unauthorised access to Bush's garden and have left what Bush described as “an inde... indescrib... err... nondescript trail of havoc and destruction” in their wake. “These terriers have no respect for our traditional American middle-class values,” stated Bush. “I don't even wish to know that trailer park exists, let alone suffer their uncontrolled dogs running all over my property. They crapped all over my lawn, for Chris-sakes!”</p> <p>“These terriers show no respect for authority,” added Bush. “I repeatedly told them, 'Do not piss on the geraniums! Do not piss on the geraniums! Watch... My... Lips! Do not piss on the geraniums!' You know what they did? Yeah, you guessed it. Laura's pride and joy destroyed in seconds by precision targeting, cock-legged infidels. It was like trying to communicate with Democrats,” remarked Bush.</p> <p>Bush has called for a 'coalition of the willing' to take the fight to the terriers. “This provocative act cannot be tolerated,” he declared. “Terriers are a threat to our very way of life. Either you are with us, or you are with the terriers.”</p> <p>Support for Bush's call for action has come swiftly from Donald Rumsfeld. “Normally I don't do dogs,” stated the former U.S. Defense Secretary, “but I have personally witnessed Laura's devastated floral borders and am convinced that this damage can only have been caused by weapons of mass destruction, or - in layman's terms - dogs. I can assure the American people that I will leave no stone unturned in the hunt for the culprits. We already have certain knowledge that Osama and Adnan are either in the trailer park, or in some other garden, or dead.”</p> <p>Fundamentalist British Terrier group, the National Canine Defence League (NCDL) were quick to respond to the Bush initiative. They have released a grainy videotape purporting to be a statement from shadowy, bearded NCDL leader, Sir Nigel Warburton. In it, Sir Nigel offers an unequivocal promise of a safe haven for all terriers which has infuriated Bush supporters. However, time may well be running out for Sir Nigel. American Special Intelligence units are said to have narrowed down his location to a secret terrier training camp in the village of Snetterton, Norfolk. They are expected to be able to pinpoint his exact position within the next few years.</p> <p>Despite the escalating tension, Bush ended his appeal on a positive note; promoting conciliation and harmony. “I famously once said that I believe that human beings and fish can coexist peacefully. I see no reason why dogs should be any different,” he asserted. “Anyway, Donald and I need a break now. We're off to the lake. Did you remember to pack my fishing tackle, Laura?” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64452 Tue, 12 Apr 2011 09:21:35 +0000 arthurminnit 64452@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>at least he's leaving the tourists alone now!</p> <p>and the French have banned barkas, apparently, in support of mr bush. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64411 Mon, 11 Apr 2011 20:21:23 +0000 Batmankoff 64411@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Edits and more dog based pun work welcome and much appreciated </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64410 Mon, 11 Apr 2011 20:15:11 +0000 Anonymous 64410@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>He'll never train 'em.<br /> Look into a Westie's eyes and what do you see? Barely concealed insolence. </p>