http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=toilet-humour The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 14:15:29 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49317#post-142481 Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:24:34 +0000 Gerontius 142481@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I can verify that Dave was there...he was a bit late but he did turn up eventually. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49317#post-142446 Tue, 09 Oct 2012 11:58:15 +0000 waylandsmithy 142446@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Quality, nice 'job'. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49317#post-142411 Tue, 09 Oct 2012 07:25:25 +0000 pinxit 142411@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm sick of bog-standard ambient advertising.</p> <p>Like it. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49317#post-142383 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:59:34 +0000 The All New Jeni B 142383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote> head of the campaign to shine a light on this niche </blockquote>...made me choke on my sausage. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49317#post-142375 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:02:23 +0000 The Secret Cabal 142375@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>THE CABAL RATES THIS 'EXCELLENT' AND 'BRILLIANT'. ALSO 'WALNUT' AND 'POLAND' DUE TO COMPUTER ERROR. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49317#post-142368 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 17:02:31 +0000 malgor 142368@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'...in whom to put their faith.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49317#post-142335 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 13:20:23 +0000 The Bogs 142335@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Advertising Standards Authority promised to "come down hard" on false claims posted on public toilet cubicle walls and doors, as a recent probe revealed that up to 80% of the toilet ads failed to deliver up to a standard the public were entitled to expect.</p> <p>The ads, traditionally scrawled in biro or marker by traders offering a range of services in the local area, have been undermined by a flood of empty promises, leaving potential customers not knowing whom to put their faith in.</p> <p>"We found that many of the phone numbers either contained mistakes, or were willfully mis-written as pranks..." said Chris Tedaldi, head of the campaign to shine a light on this niche of the advertising market, "and dates and times suggested in ads were seldom honoured".</p> <p>The 6-month study also revealed breaches of code including advertisers unable to grasp the fundamentals of metric units and misleading and inaccurate illustrations. The dossier recommended that glory-holes also needed looking into.</p> <p>The ASA did however agree that, in all likelihood, Dave probably was in fact "ere" on the date specified, and after careful research also agreed that Nicola Michaels will indeed "do it for chips". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19346#post-52213 Mon, 03 Jan 2011 00:00:09 +0000 Trickster 52213@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>haha! Brilliant! 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19346#post-52202 Sun, 02 Jan 2011 21:15:37 +0000 Mr.3374 52202@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Reminds me of a letter in viz a few months back, mind..... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19346#post-52197 Sun, 02 Jan 2011 20:48:01 +0000 4ty2 52197@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>council workers were surprised to find a small bunch of mint stuck inside the air freshner but figured that this was a sign of hope - to find it in mint condition</p> <p>5 stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19346#post-52170 Sun, 02 Jan 2011 17:22:16 +0000 Mrblacker 52170@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>brilliant Oxy. 5s </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19346#post-52128 Sun, 02 Jan 2011 10:10:09 +0000 Oxbridge 52128@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Colin Jefferson, a 38-year-old accounts clerk, has been given a fine of £500 and a conditional discharge at Swindon Magistrates Court for his conduct in a public toilet in the town's main shopping centre early last month. Jeffries, however, says that he plans to appeal.</p> <p>'I had used this particular cubicle once before in October and noticed a sign on the door saying 'Please leave this toilet as you would expect to find it',' he told reporters. 'Unfortunately on that occasion I was unable to do so, but I decided to make sure that this mistake would not happen.'</p> <p>On his return in December, Jefferson said in a statement, he therefore broke the seat with a sledgehammer, shat on the ceiling through a garden sprinkler and wrote his mobile phone number on the wall inviting people to call him for cock fun. It was through this that police traced him shortly afterwards.</p> <p>'There really is no pleasing some people,' he added. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14435#post-39158 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 14:15:52 +0000 Gary Stanton 39158@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Toilet attendant quits over employer's lack of ambition, then changes mind</strong></p> <p>Darren Rice, a toilet attendant at the Blue Planet Aquarium in Ellesmere Port was thought yesterday to be on the verge of announcing his intention to leave the organization in the January transfer window, citing a lack of willingness on the part of his employer to invest in new cleaning talent. </p> <p>Rice, who receives the minimum wage, also claims he is now doing the job of two people since the departure of fellow cleaner Pedro left him starved of service. For Rice, though, it’s not about the money. He insists he is being forced to work long hours with sub-standard equipment in an environment which is often dark and smelly. </p> <p>Rice’s options regarding a move, however, are somewhat limited at present to the aquatic section of nearby Chester Zoo or a large pet shop in Little Sutton that specializes in terrapins, the only local water-centric businesses that are currently seeking to recruit staff. He remains, however, upbeat about a possible move:</p> <p>‘I’ve heard the toilet facilities at Chester Zoo are second-to-none,’ said Rice ‘And I’d love the chance to work with some of their big name cleaning products. I’ve been lead to believe they are very big on Cillit Bang - budgetary constraints are not an issue there. The sky’s the limit when it comes to killing all know germs – dead. ‘</p> <p>Rice is contemptuous, in particular, of his employer’s insistence that he use Mr Muscle on toilet surfaces such as the cistern and the difficult-to-get-at rear outflow pipe:</p> <p>‘Mr Muscle, although it comes in a handy dispenser and is good at shifting grease, is virtually useless at removing hardened faeces from the toilet enamel. Then there’s the whole Toilet Duck argument but I really don’t want to get bogged down in all that again, if you’ll forgive the pun. ’ </p> <p>Additionally, Rice feels that the lack of a long term strategy extends to the fish tank and claims visitor numbers have dwindled since Donnie a three year-old Dolphin was caught in a compromising position with his keeper in front of a party of school children from nearby Rock Ferry. </p> <p>At the eleventh hour, however, Rice's employers seemed to have won a compromise, offering him an eye-popping ten pence extra an hour and have promised to relieve dolphin trainer Mike Sillince of his duties in order to assist Rice in bringing the toilets up to the standard where they could expect to attract a foreign buyer.</p> <p>'I'm so relieved,' confessed Rice. 'In his handling of that mammal, Sillince was guilty of a text book mistake. The last thing that any of us at the Blue Planet Aquarium want to see is a generation of school children growing up thinking that the two-handed method is the correct way to wank off a dolphin. ' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14435#post-39151 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 13:27:13 +0000 Gary Stanton 39151@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ok , but only if you keep the dolphin wanking gag. </p> <p>I'm actually in work at the mo' but I'll try &amp; have a go this evening when the manager isn't looking over my shoulder. </p> <p>Ta' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14435#post-39146 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 12:52:04 +0000 newsbiscuit editorial team 39146@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This was definitely a potential FP Gary, and if you or anyone else could rescue it with a quick re-write, with the attendant deciding not to pack it in thanks to the genius of his manager and reassurances on the future, then it could well still make it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14435#post-39143 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 12:42:02 +0000 Gary Stanton 39143@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>*thwack* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14435#post-39083 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 07:34:57 +0000 Gary Stanton 39083@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Darren Rice, a toilet attendant at the Blue Planet Aquarium in Ellesmere Port has announced his intention to leave the organization in the January transfer window, citing a lack of willingness on the part of his employer to invest in new cleaning talent. </p> <p>Rice, who receives the minimum wage, also claims he is now doing the job of two people since the departure of fellow cleaner Pedro left him starved of service. For Rice, though, it’s not about the money. He insists he is being forced to work long hours with sub-standard equipment in an environment which is often dark and smelly. </p> <p>Rice’s options regarding a move are somewhat limited at present to the Aquatic section of nearby Chester Zoo or a large pet shop in Little Sutton that specializes in terrapins, the only local water-centric businesses that are currently seeking to recruit staff. He remains, however, upbeat about a possible move:</p> <p>‘I’ve heard the toilet facilities at Chester Zoo are second-to-none,’ said Rice ‘And I’d love the chance to work with some of their big name cleaning products. I’ve been lead to believe they are very big on Cillit Bang - budgetary constraints are not an issue there. The sky’s the limit when it comes to killing all know germs – dead. ‘</p> <p>Rice is contemptuous, in particular, of his employer’s insistence that he use Mr Muscle on toilet surfaces such as the cistern and the difficult-to-get-at rear outflow pipe:</p> <p>‘Mr Muscle, although it comes in a handy dispenser and is good at shifting grease, is virtually useless at removing hardened faeces from the toilet enamel. Then there’s the whole Toilet Duck thing but I really don’t want to get bogged down in all that again, if you’ll forgive the pun. ’ </p> <p>Last night, however, bosses at the aquarium sought to counter Rice’s claims. Terry Dowling from Human Resources said:</p> <p>‘We have been a very understanding employer and gave Darren a whole week off work to recuperate after his daughter died of meningitis, helping him through the subsequent period of alcoholism and often turned a blind eye when his punctuality suffered as a result. We even talked of hiring a counselor at one point but, I mean, they’re basically just bollocks aren’t they? ’</p> <p>Rice, in the meantime, feels as though the lack of a long term strategy extends to the fish tank and claims visitor numbers have dwindled since Donnie a three year-old Dolphin was caught in a compromising position with his keeper in front of a party of school children from nearby Rock Ferry. </p> <p>‘It was an utter shambles. A total embarrassement, ’ Rice admitted . ‘ You’re basically going to have a whole generation of teenagers growing up thinking that two hands is the correct way to wank off a dolphin. ’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8783#post-24209 Fri, 23 Jul 2010 11:15:26 +0000 Golgo13 24209@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I had a stab at the fluffer sub...thanks for the prod. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8783#post-23750 Wed, 21 Jul 2010 09:19:01 +0000 Peter 23750@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>shouldn't this should result in Nick Clegg being out of a job? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8783#post-23632 Tue, 20 Jul 2010 18:14:49 +0000 Spikey 23632@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Many of the fluffers have been fatally injured after moving on from the adult film industry to natural history documentaries. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8783#post-23589 Tue, 20 Jul 2010 13:17:51 +0000 jp1885 23589@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers fellas! (Golgo, that sounds like a great idea for a sub...) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8783#post-23578 Tue, 20 Jul 2010 12:33:43 +0000 Golgo13 23578@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The other meaning of fluffer intended?</p> <p>I heard that Viagra had put all the professional fluffers out of work in San Fernando...no longer required - crushed by the advance of technology. Slung on the same scrap-heap as steel workers and miners...communities decimated...etc etc...</p> <p>Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8783#post-23574 Tue, 20 Jul 2010 12:01:31 +0000 Oxbridge 23574@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Eew. 4.88888 recurring. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8783#post-23555 Tue, 20 Jul 2010 09:55:22 +0000 jp1885 23555@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a stirring speech made during a visit to the Borehamwood Women's Institute today, David Cameron added substance to his dream of a 'big society' by volunteering to wipe his own sphincter following every trip to the bathroom.</p> <p>The Prime Minister told the assembled audience of mainly middle-aged WI members and guildswomen that it had always been his intention to lead by example: 'papering over the crack, rather than expecting the state to shoulder the burden, is what the Big Society is all about.'</p> <p>Cameron was given an impromptu chance to give a practical demonstration of his beliefs when a planned question-and-answer session had to be abandoned after a WI member who volunteered to wire up the microphone was accidentally electrocuted. Seizing the moment, the Prime Minister took the opportunity to go to the lavatory unaccompanied, retuning a few minutes later to an appreciative applause.</p> <p>He then went on to outline the cost savings accrued by such a move: 'doing away with the role of Prime Ministerial hygiene assistant saves the public purse £30,000 per annum. However I have asked André to show some community spirit and stay on in an unofficial coiffurial capacity, as no-one gets that shine quite as good as he does.'</p> <p>The coalition leader also described how he was also preparing, after a successful three-week trial, to clean his own teeth, trim his own nails and even make his own bed, despite a number of issues regarding the comfort of his official government-issue pillow. 'Regarding this I am currently seeking some sympathetic soul to offer their services as my personal fluffer,' he told the assembly, shortly before being ushered off the stage for fear of being crushed by the ensuing mob of eager volunteers. </p>