http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=theresa-may The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 09:08:59 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60332#post-175215 Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:06:57 +0000 monkeyrepublic 175215@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Home secretary, Theresa May has announced that she has sold her soul to Satan in order to secure the deportation of potential bad un, Abu Qatada. The move means sweeping new powers for May, said to include the summoning of plague animals and pestilence, initiation of earthquakes, laser vision and 'spider sense'.</p> <p>She said: "And lo, I shall move the very earth and mountains and sky to my ends. Banishment shall be done. ETERNAAAAAL!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53317#post-153680 Sun, 16 Dec 2012 11:40:30 +0000 Tess Goes 153680@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In his latest plot to win friends, Quatada has promised a right cracker of a Christmas for the local vicar involving Halal turkey, pigs in blankets and all the trimmings.<br /> Eager to settle into the hostile neighbourhood of a quaint North London suburb, Bin Laden's right hand man has also arranged for a street party on New Years Eve and is promising a spectacular pyrotechnics display in his back garden, under the very eyes of PC Plod and Detective Constable Constable who will be on duty that night.<br /> "It all started" he says "When the local Vicar invited me to church to join in the local Christmas Celebrations, so I thought I'd reciprocate"<br /> Theresa May is said to be disgusted and is considering legal action. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142377 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:19:06 +0000 custard cream 142377@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant! max. stars! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142356 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:18:07 +0000 reforse 142356@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5* for the Leon Brittan line </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142329 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:54:20 +0000 button 142329@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love this Dusty </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142328 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:46:05 +0000 DustyBinLaden 142328@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>pinxit that is awesome. What's really brilliant is that if you cross Gove with Pink you get Deborah Meaden </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142317 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 11:28:21 +0000 Midfield Diamond 142317@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Some great lines in this, and the spiders' web on the face tattoo would make a great pic, even if the idea has been used before - I'm pretty sure a suitably-edited version of this made NiB: <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34444" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34444</a></p> <p>(There was a bloke down the fairground where I worked with such a tattoo, so I can't claim it was wholly my idea) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142308 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 10:50:14 +0000 pinxit 142308@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff. Plenty of scope for pix... tho' it doesn't really need any.</p> <p>As for Gove... well, there's plenty of depths there to explore.</p> <p>Did you know he'd released a 'Pink' tribute album? Here it is from a couple of weeks ago...</p> <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/pinky_GOVE.jpg"></p> <p>Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142302 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 10:17:43 +0000 dvo4fun 142302@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sadly, I only just got the 'GOVE'/'LOVE' bit of "‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’": </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142270 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 08:21:04 +0000 moanygit 142270@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’":</p> <p>...superb. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142181 Sun, 07 Oct 2012 18:21:29 +0000 DustyBinLaden 142181@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Please don't shout. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142038 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 16:21:34 +0000 The Secret Cabal 142038@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>YOU ARE NOW A MEMBER OF THE CABAL. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU HAVE BEEN ...(what was that? stimulated? who the fuck are the borg? Oh)...ASSIMILATED. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142032 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 15:40:11 +0000 dvo4fun 142032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Made me laugh Dusty esp "Weirdly though, when she sits down it looks like Leon Brittan is trying to climb out of her trousers." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-141984 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 11:29:26 +0000 waylandsmithy 141984@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely job, that's a brilliant punch line. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-141977 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 11:15:14 +0000 DustyBinLaden 141977@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A regrettable night on the razz has left Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne sporting a massive spider’s web tattoo on his face, just a day before he presents the country’s headline economic strategy at the Tory conference. Michael Gove will deliver his keynote address with “The poor don’t need no education” scribed on his forehead.</p> <p>The incident-filled night out in central Birmingham has left many of the senior cabinet members, coalition ‘friends’ and media politicos with regrettable inkage, including the words ‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’ on Vince Cable’s knuckles and ‘Dave’s Biaaaatch’ on Nick Clegg’s left buttock.</p> <p>Commenting on his tattoo, Mr Osborne said: ‘This, this… thing on my face, it’s… well, let’s see now… It’s about doing everything in my power, my Spidey power… yes, that’s it. I will use every sinew of my Spidey power… Nope. Something about representing the main strands of my economic dream for the nation? How does that sound?’ At which point, the Chancellor broke down. ‘Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. I am fucked. I am properly, properly fucked,’ he sobbed. </p> <p>An aide then led Mr Osborne gently from the room. </p> <p>Mr Gove, on the other hand, appears unrepentant and even rather proud of his tat. He’s been seen prodding it angrily with his finger and saying to people ‘See that? That’s what I’m fucking talking about.’</p> <p>Theresa May now has an epic ‘tramp stamp’ on her lower back, comprising an elaborate HR Giger-style biomechanical landscape, heavy on fetishistic sexual activity between humanoid aliens and futuristic machinery.</p> <p>‘Yeah, that didn’t really work,’ said Home Office minister James Brokenshire. ‘Too complex. Weirdly though, when she sits down it looks like Leon Brittan is trying to climb out of her trousers.’</p> <p>In an ironic twist, Sky presenter Kay Burley actually cried for the first time in her life after waking up to discover that two blue tears had been tattooed on her face, falling gently from her left eye. There are rumours that these were scribed some time before the night out, under direct instruction from Rupert Murdoch.</p> <p>Perhaps one of the most surprising revelations came when two strippers dressed as police officers playfully removed Andrew Mitchell’s clothes in the lobby of the Hyatt Regency hotel, whereupon it was discovered that Mitchell has long been tattooed from neck to ankle in tweed.</p> <p>Prime Minister David Cameron escaped a piece of permanent skin art, although not for want of trying. Tattooist Danny Brown said: ‘He asked for a heart and the name Richard Clayderman on his cheek, but I just couldn’t get the ink to stay on. It was like trying to tattoo an uncooked Poundland sausage.’</p> <p><em>Hat tip to waylandsmithy</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46292#post-133218 Thu, 02 Aug 2012 11:48:13 +0000 Nowherefast 133218@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the wake of London Mayor Boris Johnson's popularity boost amongst the voting public, following his 2 flags and a zip wire stunt at the 2012 Olympics, members of the Conservative party's influential 1922 committee have agreed that in future the party leader will be selected through participation in an extended edition of the popular BBC TV show "Total Wipeout". Concerns that the general oiliness of potential leadership candidates, in particular George Osborne, Michael Gove and Jeremy Hunt, would be an unfair handicap in tackling some the already slippery obstacles on the course were met with some derision by 1922 Committee Chairman Graham Brady who, setting aside his copy of 50 Shades of Grey, commented " Well Boris has probably already got it in the bag anyway, but anything that gets Theresa May into a leopard skin bikini and kitten heels sliding her silken womanly thighs around on a turgid inflatable pole greasier than the one she clings to in the home office gets my vote!" </p> <p>An attempt by Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg to jump onto the stunts for votes bandwagon by suggesting that the Liberal Democrat sponsored bill for the reform of The House of Lords could be revised to legislate for populating the upper house with only those peers who survived being shoved over Niagra Falls in a barrel was quietly swept under the carpet. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119413 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 09:22:57 +0000 Qoxiivi 119413@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Perks: The thought of using 'BANG and the dirt is gone' did cross my mind but I've been finding the process of writing such a struggle recently that now, when I get an idea, I'm trying to just knock it up as quickly as possible, post it, and then leave it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119412 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 09:20:55 +0000 MADJEZ 119412@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love it.</p> <p>Contains Exilecleric acid, perfect for removing oil and fatwa stains says Government Spokesman Barry Scott. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119399 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 07:57:04 +0000 Yikes 119399@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes very nice! I wonder if the authorities need to try something left field, like maybe pretend he has won some sort of millionth shoper competition with an all expenses oversea trip to the Maldives .. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119395 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 07:52:39 +0000 Perks 119395@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely. And seeing as people like him see westerners as filthy, their suicide bombers and the product share a catchphrase. 'BANG and the dirt is gone' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119376 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 01:10:01 +0000 Qoxiivi 119376@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's a lovely finish, cheers. It's very silly; I haven't done silly for a while. Silly is good though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119334 Thu, 19 Apr 2012 14:14:06 +0000 Ironduke 119334@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Surely 'beautiful finish' ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119333 Thu, 19 Apr 2012 14:07:55 +0000 waylandsmithy 119333@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice clean ending. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119330 Thu, 19 Apr 2012 13:49:53 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 119330@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep, the ending is lovely. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119328 Thu, 19 Apr 2012 13:42:43 +0000 Midfield Diamond 119328@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good, and a great last para. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41819#post-119326 Thu, 19 Apr 2012 13:40:43 +0000 Qoxiivi 119326@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Home Secretary, Theresa May, today admitted the desperate lengths to which the Government has gone in its ongoing battle to remove Abu Qatada.</p> <p>‘Obviously, we started out with standard judicial proceedings,’ explained a clearly exasperated May, ‘but once it became obvious that he wasn’t going to budge, we had no choice but to explore some more experimental solutions.’</p> <p>‘Our first approach was to get a member of the Home Office to follow him around with a big wallpaper scraper and have a go with that. After a while though he just started putting Wrigley’s on his shoes and that eventually gummed the whole operation up.’</p> <p>‘Next we tried Cillit Bang after some adverts seemed to suggest he’d be ‘lifted right out and dissolved’ in front of our eyes. That didn’t worth either though, although he did come up lovely.’</p> <p>‘Truth be told,’ she continued, ‘we just don’t know what to do next. If the European Court of Human Rights upholds his latest appeal we may just have to lob a throw over him and leave it at that. Plus, that way there’s always the chance he’ll be mistaken for a female ‘out in public without a chaperone’ and stoned to death by his own supporters.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31461#post-88976 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 18:25:46 +0000 Clarky 88976@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice headline </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31461#post-88963 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 17:59:50 +0000 Boutros 88963@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>i like </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31461#post-88953 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 17:39:56 +0000 kga6 88953@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Today, Theresa May confirmed that an illegal immigrant would "be having his human rights abused" if he were to be deported before he'd had chance to "use up his minutes".</p> <p>The Asian man, who due to spelling difficulties cannot be named, is reported to have somewhere in the region of 24 texts and 62 minutes remaining on his 'stay-as-you-go' bundle with Virgin Mobile, equating to roughly £15.32.</p> <p>Officials are primed to react when the minutes are used up, or a technical error causes them to mysteriously disappear.</p> <p>The man, who also has a cat named Lu-Poll, is said to be pleased to learn he has so many minutes left. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21478#post-58039 Sat, 19 Feb 2011 12:15:48 +0000 Mors 58039@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Home Secretary Theresa May, today announced the largest shake up of British Policing since the Lib/Con Alliance took power. In what she describes as an "innovative and bold move", the Forensic Service will now be run on a 'No Win No Fee' basis. Police Forces and individuals will be offered a variety of service packages from the basic 'Prints' offering to the 'full CSI'. Payment will only be due if work done leads to a future conviction.<br /> If successful Secretary May comments that this approach could be rolled out across other areas including, most simply, the Olympic Team on a 'No Medal No Sponsorship', MP's 'No Turn Up No Expenses' and most controversially the Health Service 'Live or Die You Pay'. </p>