http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=the-pope The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 20:49:51 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57030#post-165180 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 12:37:33 +0000 Jonny Shlep 165180@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In an emotional farewell before thousands of Roman Catholics at St Peter's Square in The Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI told the faithful that after his retirement from the Papacy he intends to live out the rest of his days tending a small allotment on the outskirts of Sheffield.</p> <p>"I've thoroughly enjoyed my time as the head of the Roman Catholic church" he said. "But none of us are getting any younger and I think it's time for a younger man to have a crack at it. It was getting more and more difficult to get up and down from the Vatican throne, not to mention having to get right down on my hands and knees to kiss the tarmac at all those airports during Papal visits. It's not only that but when you reach my age you don't really want all the worry of having to deal with Cardinals that have been carrying on with young priests and suchlike do you?</p> <p>"I've always fancied a nice little plot where I can grow a few carrots and plant the odd crab apple tree, so I had a bit of a look round on my last visit to England and spotted a nice council run allotment on one of the hills overlooking Sheffield and got my name on the waiting list. A few weeks back they emailed me to say there was half a plot up for rental and would I be interested, and that was it really.</p> <p>"Naturally I'll always have a soft spot for the church and might even have a little altar at the back of the shed so I can pop in and say my prayers while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil on my primus.</p> <p>"Anyway I wish my successor all the very best and if he ever feels the job's getting him down he'll always be welcome to pop over for a chat and a brew, or a browse through the seed catalogues in the shed. I might even get one of those plastic greenhouses from Argos and try my hand at growing one of those miniature olive trees if I can pick one up cheap.</p> <p>"Ok well cheers all, thanks for listening, and if you can't be good, be careful ok?</p> <p>"In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49326#post-142415 Tue, 09 Oct 2012 07:30:38 +0000 pinxit 142415@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for that @newworld. I'll take those points on board. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49326#post-142357 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:49:16 +0000 pinxit 142357@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks Martin. Much appreciated! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49326#post-142352 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:51:41 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 142352@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Pinx strikes again with another winner.</p> <p>I doff me hat Sir! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49326#post-142350 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:47:03 +0000 pinxit 142350@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An emergency dental unit has been hurriedly set up, 'as a precaution', at the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham, after the Pope became the latest victim of what has been dubbed 'Hampstead Heath Syndrome'.</p> <p>Pope Benedict XVI was making a statement denying any knowledge of institutional child abuse by members of the clergy during his time as the Vatican’s top doctrinal official in the 1980's and '90s, when he appeared to stumble over his words and began spitting out shattered shards of teeth. The clearly distressed pontiff was escorted off the plinth by aides and taken to an ante-room, before emerging briefly to wave and reassure the shocked crowds.</p> <p>A Vatican spokesman said, 'His Holiness suffered a temporary oral malfunction and is currently comfortable in hospital under sedation. There is no permanent damage, as it was his dentures <em>(which he has worn since wartime deprivations in the Hitler Youth Movement)</em> that were affected.'</p> <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/POPETEETH.jpg"><br /> <em>Hell's teeth! : The Pope puts a brave face on it as he exits the Vatican after the interrupted Papal Bull…</em></p> <p>This latest incident follows an increasing wave of dental failure involving prominent public figures over the last few months. Tony Blair, Kelvin MacKenzie, Andrew Mitchell, James Murdoch and US Presidential candidate Mitt Romney have all suffered sudden attacks of HHS, with both real teeth and dentures ejecting themselves as they were speaking in public.</p> <p>Tory party Grandees fear that such an occurrence may happen to Cabinet members, including the Prime Minister and the Chancellor, at this week's conference so have drafted in a consultant orthodontist to give them all a pre-speech check-up.</p> <p>'The human molars are incredibly strong, but also incredibly sensitive,' says dental consultant Professor Neville Brodie. 'After many years of chronic abuse there's only so much they can take. The HH syndrome seems to affect the back teeth first, the rot permeating to the front, with the molars eventually ejecting themselves from the mouth, roots and all.' </p> <p>'The condition has been around for years, the most spectacular during Bill Clinton's 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' ejaculation in 1998.' says Brodie, 'But, with the proliferation of media interviews, demands on public figures to speechify and testify at enquiries - as these all increase year on year - this could explain the latest outbreak.'</p> <p>'It's bound to happen. When people have been 'economic with the vérité' through their teeth for years, something's got to give.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4273#post-11987 Tue, 11 May 2010 13:19:33 +0000 Skylarking 11987@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lord Reginald Farnham, the 14th Duke of Ashbourne has been named by Nick Clegg as the shock replacement Monarch to Queen Elizabeth II. It is the latest in a series of controversial choices by the LibDem leader.</p> <p>The post of Sovereign was re-opened yesterday, following Mr Clegg's visit to Buckingham Palace on Monday to dissolve the Royal Family. Media pundits had widely anticipated the role to go Prince Charles, Prince of Wales. </p> <p>Mr Clegg, had previously assured voters that he would not play 'kingmaker' following the election. However the LibDem leader has insisted that he is merely acting upon the wishes of the electorate, and besides, the term 'kingmaker' was figurative for something or other.</p> <p>Other surprise moves enactred by Mr Clegg have included the reinstatement of Terry Venables as England Manager, Ron Mael of Sparks being named as the new King of Pop, and the selection of Toto a month before the Over the Rainbow finals were due to take place.</p> <p>"I am concerned that Mr Clegg's behaviour is beginning to appear a tad hubristic" remarked His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, who resigned earlier today after failing to get the College of Cardinals to adopt the AV+ system of representation "However he has to do what he feels is necessary for the good of the nation. And should negotiations with the United Reformed Church fail, he knows that my door is always open. </p>