Forum » Tag: testicles

Forum » Tag: testicles - Recent Posts http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=testicles The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 20 Jun 2013 05:44:34 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php Manifestations of Baboonery on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62546 Sun, 27 Mar 2011 19:53:56 +0000 Manifestations of Baboonery 62546@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Right, taking into account the NB dislike of made up names I amended the story below. Initially I was unhappy about doing this as "Prof. Keith Mingebiscuit" made me laugh out loud and "Dr. Zephaniah Quedulous", like most of favourite jokes, was too clever for it's own good and I've had to explain it too pretty much everyone I've asked to read it. Quedulous/Credulous, geddit? But, unexpectedly, I've found myself agreeing that the story potentially works better with real names. You couldn't make up a better name for a creationist! Cheers, MoB PS I've also changed the age of Cox's nuts as I got the age of the universe wrong by .1 billion years. Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe, a leading scientist claims STARTLING claims that the scrotum of Brian Cox, keyboard player for Labour’s house band D:Ream and part-time astrologer, contains the vast majority of matter in the observable Universe, have rocked the world of synthpop and experimental physics. Scientists have long known that ordinary matter only accounts for about 23% of all matter and theorised the existence of dark matter to make their long sums add up. But they now consider that Cox’s nuts hold the answer - taking us tantalisingly close to a Theory of Everything. Leading astrobiologist and testicle aficionado, Paul Davies, described the epiphany that led to this paradigm shift in boffins’ understanding of the Universe: “I was sitting in my pants watching Cox’s unnecessary remake of the BBC's classic space documentary series Space and it hit me. The answer was staring me right in the face - what other reason could there be for how far apart his legs are when he stands for the pieces to camera?” He added “Theories are nothing without experimental evidence but Cox is a hard man to track down because if he’s not touring Northern Working Men’s clubs with D:Ream he’s gallivanting around the globe courtesy of license payers staring at the sun through binoculars and practising looking numinous. But we managed to locate him and asked NASA to point Hubble at his crotch. They detected two truly massive masses that are estimated to be 13.7 billion light years across and nearly as old as his hair style.” The research has led to further discoveries including that Cox’s hands aren’t actually glued into the pockets of his supermarket jeans but are continuously sub-consciously adjusting his ‘nurseries of creation’; and his nuts are the most perfectly spherical structures yet recorded, previously thought by scientists to be either neutron stars or the face of roly-poly Astronomer Royal, Russell Grant. <img src="http://www.responsesource.com/image.php?id=12033&s=l"> Grant's face: more circular than a theist's arguments? Silver-tongued media whore Cox, 17, commented on the findings: “I fuckin' love my bollocks and I fuckin' love science. This marrying of my old fellas and bleeding edge experimental physics is right up my junction. I think I’ll write a middle of the road synth-based pop ditty about it.” But leading creationist Duane Tolbert Gish, Senior Vice-President Emeritus at the Institute for Creation Research, has been quick to dismiss such claims: “Despite, or perhaps because of intimidating and overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary and first hand experience of Brian ‘tea-bagging’ me I consulted a collection of self-contradictory ramblings thrown together by a tribe of barely literate bronze-age desert nomads and it turns out it’s bollocks, figuratively speaking of course.” Manifestations of Baboonery on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62495 Sun, 27 Mar 2011 11:05:55 +0000 Manifestations of Baboonery 62495@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Ostsee: I can't help thinking Susan Greenfield is a topic for a story of her own. In fact I think ConDem have just announced they've put her in charge of the budget in her new role of Tsar of Post Riot Refurbishment. be reasonable: Thanks for the feedback and vote. I read the guidelines after I'd written the story and wasn't sure how firm the rules were. I think, in this case, it works better with the made up names but I suppose, if necessary, they can be changed. When I was writing it I didn't really have a view on where I'd try and get it published but can't help thinking the stupid names are a sub-concious influence from reading to much Viz. be reasonable on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62493 Sun, 27 Mar 2011 10:39:20 +0000 be reasonable 62493@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Well, I like it; just a word of warning, the eds don't approve of made up names. I don't see why, myself; if it was good enough for the Goons, it should be good enough here. 4* from me. Ostsee on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62486 Sun, 27 Mar 2011 08:11:11 +0000 Ostsee 62486@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Perhaps there should be a union of gametes originating from dear Brian and Susan Greenfield. Them at least someone would know how big the universe is in imagination. Manifestations of Baboonery on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62479 Sat, 26 Mar 2011 23:49:17 +0000 Manifestations of Baboonery 62479@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Hi all, I write a blog (click on my gravatar if interested) about embarrassing situations I cause or witness but this is the first time I've tried to write a spoof news story, so any comments or feedback is welcome. Thanks, MoB Manifestations of Baboonery on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62461 Sat, 26 Mar 2011 19:08:17 +0000 Manifestations of Baboonery 62461@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe, a leading scientist claims STARTLING claims that the scrotum of Brian Cox, keyboard player for Labour’s in-house band D:Ream and part-time astrologer, contains the vast majority of matter in the observable Universe, have rocked the world of synthpop and experimental physics. Scientists have long known that ordinary matter only accounts for about 23% of all matter and theorised the existence of dark matter to make their long sums add up. But they now consider that Cox’s nuts hold the answer - taking us tantalisingly close to a Theory of Everything. Leading physicist and testicle aficionado, Prof. Keith Mingebiscuit, described the epiphany that led to this paradigm shift in boffins’ understanding of the Universe: “I was sitting in my pants watching Cox’s unnecessary remake of the BBC's classic space documentary series Space and it hit me. The answer was staring me right in the face - what other reason could there be for how far apart his legs are when he stands for the pieces to camera?” He added “Theories are nothing without experimental evidence but Cox is a hard man to track down because if he’s not touring Northern Working Men’s clubs with D:Ream he’s gallivanting around the globe courtesy of license payers staring at the sun through binoculars and practising looking numinous. But we managed to locate him and asked NASA to point Hubble at his crotch. They detected two truly massive masses that are estimated to be 13.6 billion light years across and nearly as old as his hair style.” The research has led to further discoveries including that Cox’s hands aren’t actually glued into the pockets of his supermarket jeans but are continuously sub-consciously adjusting his ‘nurseries of creation’; and his nuts are the most perfectly spherical structures yet recorded, previously thought by scientists to be either neutron stars or the face of roly-poly Astronomer Royal, Russell Grant. <img src="http://www.responsesource.com/image.php?id=12033&s=l"> Grant's face: more circular than a theist's arguments? Silver-tongued media whore Cox, 17, commented on the findings: “I fuckin' love my bollocks and I fuckin' love science. This marrying of my old fellas and bleeding edge experimental physics is right up my junction. I think I’ll write a middle of the road synth-based pop ditty about it.” But leading creationist Dr. Zephaniah Quedulos has been quick to dismiss such claims: “Despite, or perhaps because of intimidating and overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary and first hand experience of Brian ‘tea-bagging’ me I consulted a collection of self-contradictory ramblings thrown together by a tribe of barely literate bronze-age desert nomads and it turns out it’s bollocks, figuratively speaking of course.” Sinnick on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41543 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 22:51:10 +0000 Sinnick 41543@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ This is fascinating, ladies. Don't mind if we watch? btw, my laptop is starting to get a little whiffy, again. sauce on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41540 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 21:58:08 +0000 sauce 41540@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Bugger. May I please make it clear I am Worcestershire Sauce not some kind of insidious gusset trucklement. Golgo13 on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41537 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 21:32:07 +0000 Golgo13 41537@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ I heard that one can reinforce ones crotch sauce with Irn Bru, but that one can never get the stains out. The All New Jeni B on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41535 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 21:06:07 +0000 The All New Jeni B 41535@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Kevlar. It's the only safe way to reinforce crotch sauce. Golgo13 on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41532 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 20:40:33 +0000 Golgo13 41532@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ What is your crotch sauce reinforced with, if I may ask? The All New Jeni B on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41528 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 20:10:19 +0000 The All New Jeni B 41528@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ I have a reinforced crotch sauce. sauce on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41525 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 19:58:45 +0000 sauce 41525@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Pst, Jeni, you might want to check your latex. Sinnick on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41519 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 19:18:05 +0000 Sinnick 41519@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Catwoman has a scrotum !! You could earn real money with that. The All New Jeni B on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41498 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 16:11:51 +0000 The All New Jeni B 41498@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ It scorches our scrotums too. Sinnick on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41465 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 11:17:56 +0000 Sinnick 41465@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ I wonder how it affects the ladies, then ... Golgo13 on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41459 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 09:13:38 +0000 Golgo13 41459@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Yeah. I guess there are other reasons for a sudden drop in you sperm count after using your laptop. Sinnick on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41454 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 08:16:15 +0000 Sinnick 41454@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ I always wondered why my laptop had that peculiar, yet vaguely familiar, odour. Golgo13 on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41451 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 07:56:13 +0000 Golgo13 41451@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ This is in fact our preferred method of contraception. That and smoking menthols. sauce on "Here's one for the chaps" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15189#post-41448 Sun, 07 Nov 2010 07:44:36 +0000 sauce 41448@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40034091/ns/health-mens_health/" rel="nofollow">http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40034091/ns/health-mens_health/</a> malgor on "Taliban fighter charges US bullet maker with assault" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=237#post-713 Sat, 27 Feb 2010 00:31:11 +0000 malgor 713@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ So, a testes case test case, then. Mrblacker on "Taliban fighter charges US bullet maker with assault" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=237#post-702 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 20:23:04 +0000 Mrblacker 702@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ An un-named Taliban fighter, wounded in fighting against United States troops in Afhganistan, has lodged a multi-million dollar law suit against the soldier who is alleged to have fired the bullet that shot his testicles off. The man, known only in the court papers as Mr A, says he was minding his own business, abusing women and girls for trying to read, when a Pvt. Dan McGwire from the 3rd Ranger Battalion opened fire and hit him in the groin, leading to massive blood loss and the complete removal of his wedding tackle. His lawyer, Michael Mansfield QC, is understood to be travelling to Washington to begin proceedings against the bullet's makers, Alliant Technologies, Pvt McGwire and Toyota, just for the hell of it. "This case is absolutely outrageous." Mr Mansfield said as he boarded a plane at Heathrow tonight. "My client has the perfect right to subjugate people as he believes his religion tells him. Whether he is misguided or not is not the question. What is, is whether an illeducated hick from Kentucky (McGwire's home state) has the right to fire without warning at an uneducated man in another country." "I see this as a test case. Although it's essentially a test to see how much money I casn make before it's rejected out of hand."