http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=tesco The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 06:49:46 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54778#post-158206 Wed, 16 Jan 2013 14:01:42 +0000 flyerblade 158206@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'll get my coat ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54742#post-158074 Wed, 16 Jan 2013 08:08:22 +0000 flyerblade 158074@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54741#post-158070 Wed, 16 Jan 2013 07:50:42 +0000 flyerblade 158070@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54735#post-158063 Wed, 16 Jan 2013 07:31:35 +0000 TerribleTim 158063@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...more soon </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42013#post-120076 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:49:37 +0000 writinginbsl 120076@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>splendid</p> <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42013#post-120055 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 16:29:18 +0000 Rizzo 120055@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stephen Bath, a 44 year old Office Manager from Watford was astonished to find that a Tesco Metro Store had opened for business in his ear canal. After waking from a deep sleep suddenly by the sound of beeping checkouts and crashing shopping baskets Stephen frantically searched around for the source of the cacophony before glancing in the mirror and noticing the signage and shop front attached to his ear lobe.</p> <p>Mr Bath immediately confronted the manager who appeared very sympathetic even offering him £250 of vouchers as he was the first customer. He said business had been brisk so far but was expecting trade to pick up when Stephen left the house. </p> <p>Mr Bath is now seeking legal advice but has admitted that he’s in two minds. ‘I always get to hear of the bargains first and obviously popping down the shops is a lot easier than it used to be but it does have its down sides as well’ he said ’Towards the end of the day at work I get a long queue by my desk of people wanting to pick up a few items for tea and asking me what the opening hours are’.</p> <p>Stephens biggest concern is the effect on his body of having a small supermarket attached to it, a health issue that is becoming more common in the UK with Tesco committed to opening a new store every 5 minutes. </p> <p>Dr Vijay Kandar a Health practitioner for 20 years has confirmed that the local hospitals have seen huge rises in Tesco related injuries stating ‘In recent months we have seen a large amount of people being admitted to the A&amp;E departments with all manner of ailments, usually through interaction with a Tesco Store.’</p> <p>‘ People are falling over them, walking into them and injuring themselves trying to move them out of the way or remove them from orifices. We understand that there was a massive storm last week in Birmingham where a couple of stores were blown onto the M6 and a retired couple were mown down by an HGV in the tinned foods aisle as they were picking up some 2 for 1 Baked Beans. The government needs to step in now’</p> <p>When asked about rumours that a gentleman with a small manhood was considering having a Tesco concession grafted onto the end of his member a spokesman shrugged his shoulders and replied ‘Every little helps’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105085 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:43:23 +0000 dvo4fun 105085@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>right where are the other five*?</p> <p>‘... and pre-rolled all our newspapers ...’</p> <p>‘... every little chef helps.’ </p> <p>were my personal favourites </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105083 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:40:33 +0000 dvo4fun 105083@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5* for the headline, now I'm going back to read the rest </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105069 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 18:56:54 +0000 Qoxiivi 105069@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers all. It's my first one for quite some time as I simply haven't had the time or felt funny enough. This merely grew from a ticker that just happened to have potential. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105050 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 17:57:13 +0000 waylandsmithy 105050@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sooo-poyb! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105043 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 17:21:05 +0000 writinginbsl 105043@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>love it<br /> stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105042 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 17:17:42 +0000 Scroat 105042@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yo!! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105020 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 16:22:05 +0000 medici2471 105020@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>great one! **** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105017 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 16:12:49 +0000 Qoxiivi 105017@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have turned this into a 300ish word sub as the tickers are done for today now and, as this is topical, I don't think it'll stay relevant past tonight/tomorrow. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-105002 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:38:22 +0000 Midfield Diamond 105002@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it both as a ticker and a NiB </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-104990 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:28:08 +0000 Qoxiivi 104990@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Making a NiB out of this. Thought I might as well. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-104988 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:25:35 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 104988@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep, better as it is now.</p> <p>Good work on the expansion. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-104986 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:23:02 +0000 beau-jolly 104986@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>or possibly something on the lines of: Stockmarket misunderstands "little chef in trouble" headline. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-104976 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:02:02 +0000 Qoxiivi 104976@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Originally this was 'Worrall Thompson relieved he’s not the only little chef going through hard times' but I've changed it as I thought what it is now is funnier.</p> <p>Now a full-length (albeit on the short side) sub. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-104973 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:59:23 +0000 bonjonelson 104973@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ace! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37302#post-104970 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:50:29 +0000 Qoxiivi 104970@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Security staff at Tesco are bracing themselves for a massive shoplifting spree of miniature proportions following reports that hundreds more ‘little chefs’ have fallen on hard times.</p> <p>‘We are starting to get worried, yes.’ said Catherine Weston, a security supervisor at Tesco in Henley. ‘We now think Antony Worrall Thompson was just a scout sent out by the collective to case our stores. A bit like an ugly bee.’</p> <p>‘One little chef we can handle but this sounds like we could now be inundated by a whole swarm of the fuckers.’ she added.</p> <p>She also expressed concerns that the police aren’t taking the threat seriously. ‘It took a carefully orchestrated sting to capture Antony and when we handed him over we were hoping they’d lock him up or, at the very least, tread on him. Instead they just lifted up the glass and let him go, which, after circling a hysterical woman and bumping into some windows, is exactly what he did.’</p> <p>‘He’s probably told the rest of the hive exactly how to get here by now and we’re not sure how we’re going to cope. The police did suggest we try and pacify them with smoke, but after years working on roadside cafes, we’ve heard they’ve become immune to the smell of burning.'</p> <p>In the store itself, Catherine has been busy preparing for the worst. ‘We’ve already suspended a big net over the cheeses and pre-rolled all our newspapers, but I don’t think it’ll be enough.’</p> <p>‘If the situation gets really bad we might have to call upon customers to chip in and help. Even if they assist us in catching just a few, we’d be very grateful; every little chef helps.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96289 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 09:22:52 +0000 vertical 96289@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great work - love it </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96274 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 06:34:49 +0000 dvo4fun 96274@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Deserved FP - well done Skylar. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96271 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 06:12:57 +0000 Nick McCarr 96271@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>FP = Mission accomplished. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96244 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 22:22:10 +0000 NewSuburbanDad 96244@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What about "some of the worst casualties occurred in the dairy aisle, after troops were accidentally pinned down by friendly bacteria"? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96225 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:08:34 +0000 Skylarking 96225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wasn't Stavros supposed to be Turkish? Neither party will thank you for that little mix up Rick ;-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96217 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:13:02 +0000 RickH 96217@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I note that Obama got his "flying squad" out of Qaddafi's falafel van on the Halfords carpark pretty sharpish, and left it to the Eurozone immigrants to do the Saturday morning clean-up. Mind you, the Frogs will have that big drum of used cooking oil out the back I shouldn't wonder.</p> <p>....and Stavros's kebab van looks like it'll be shut for some time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96208 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 18:30:04 +0000 Skylarking 96208@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Dunno, It's a slippery slope if I start making 'It's all about the oil' gags: next thing you know I'll start saying things like "Blair was Bush's poodle" and then you must shoot me. Better bullet-ridden than cliche-ridden. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96206 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 18:16:23 +0000 kga6 96206@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it. I was expecting to get to an oil spill after the first sentence. I guess the twist drives home the even thinner reasons the US may use for weaponry. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33943#post-96188 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:48:29 +0000 Immunis 96188@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>6 stars </p>