http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=tennis The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 18 May 2013 08:39:38 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29526#post-82912 Mon, 22 Aug 2011 16:17:20 +0000 Duff 82912@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fresh from his ATP triumph in the Cincinnati Open yesterday, dour Scot and as some would have it British No.1, Andy Murray, was defended by his Mum on Twitter as not being in the least bit boring.</p> <p>The curly-topped tennis ace has continually been branded as being a complete yawnfest thanks in the most part to his undoubted brain-numbingly monotone vocal delivery. </p> <p>"He sounds like somebody who perhaps received bad news some time ago and has never really come to terms with it," says top pundit Andrew Castle, and he adds, "But when you get to know Andy he can be a right hoot. I remember this one time he told me a joke and it was really amusing in an odd and vaguely disturbing sort of way."</p> <p>And in a shock development last night following his victory, it was thought that during the trophy presentation the lugubrious Glaswegian had actually smiled; however Murray himself moved quickly to quash the rumour when he revealed that he had in fact suffered a short and sudden bout of trapped wind.</p> <p>Murray's Mum, Judy, has filled her Twitter timeline with a stout defence of her son's more humorous qualities and she hopes that it will go a long way to dispelling the miserable sod tag. Her Tweets refer to an altogether different Andy and tell tales of hi jinx with a jelly trifle at his third birthday party. She also alludes, rather cryptically, to an episode involving a seven-year-old Andy in a Christmas pantomime horse costume. One Tweet strikes a combative note and says, <em>"Andy can quote virtually every line of every episode of Fawlty Towers, so, hey, do the math schmucks."</em> Professor of Linguistics at the Open University, Vernon McBride, says that this tweet suggests the amount of time the Murrays are spending in America is having an influence on their extended vocabulary.</p> <p>Fellow Scot and the very aptly named TV personality, Carol Smillie, says that Andy just really needs to practice the odd little smirk and his fortunes would be sure to change. "Who knows, with smile-power in his corner he could even go on to win his first major in New York over the coming weeks," grinned the former <em>Wheel Of Fortune</em> Dolly Bird. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27834#post-76838 Thu, 14 Jul 2011 16:53:22 +0000 Christopher Frost 76838@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27312#post-75069 Sat, 02 Jul 2011 10:40:17 +0000 Christopher Frost 75069@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27297#post-75001 Fri, 01 Jul 2011 15:58:20 +0000 Christopher Frost 75001@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27188#post-74729 Wed, 29 Jun 2011 15:10:33 +0000 Christopher Frost 74729@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27179#post-74711 Wed, 29 Jun 2011 13:22:23 +0000 Christopher Frost 74711@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27132#post-74569 Tue, 28 Jun 2011 19:14:28 +0000 Golgo13 74569@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I might get to recycle this beauty...</p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7700" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7700</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27132#post-74563 Tue, 28 Jun 2011 17:50:22 +0000 Christopher Frost 74563@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26998#post-74232 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 06:57:43 +0000 Ostsee 74232@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At times like this one must think if his poor mummy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26998#post-74139 Sun, 26 Jun 2011 17:38:56 +0000 Christopher Frost 74139@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Wimbledon tennis championships were plunged into chaos today, after militant Scottish nationalists kidnapped Britain’s Andy Murray.</p> <p>Scottish Heroes for an Independent Tomorrow have claimed responsibility for the kidnapping and are demanding independence for Scotland as the price of his safe return.</p> <p>So far, Scotland Yard has refused to release any details regarding how the terrorists managed to capture Murray. However, rumours circulating online allege that he was forcibly bundled into a tartan van in the early hours of this morning, by three men wearing kilts.</p> <p>Likewise, police are keeping quiet about the location where Murray is being held, though they have revealed that they are conducting telephone negotiations with the terrorists.</p> <p>Sir Paul Stephenson told reporters: “Having spoken briefly with Mr Murray, I can confirm that despite the traumatic events of the past few hours, he is no more cantankerous than usual.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20509#post-55335 Wed, 26 Jan 2011 16:03:48 +0000 melody 55335@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>racist burro ,bastada </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20509#post-55334 Wed, 26 Jan 2011 15:58:58 +0000 Doylem 55334@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>wish I'd thought of that</blockquote></p> <p>"You will, Oscar, you will"... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20509#post-55328 Wed, 26 Jan 2011 15:27:00 +0000 Oxbridge 55328@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Underground - gaaah, wish I'd thought of that. How could I have forgotten the 2,300 who were forced into the Madrid subway and had bazookas fired at them after Real Madrid got an away draw in the third round of the Copa del Rey? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20509#post-55319 Wed, 26 Jan 2011 12:58:41 +0000 Doylem 55319@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff. I thought the whole donkey/belltower thing had gone underground. Lift shafts... Stars... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20509#post-55315 Wed, 26 Jan 2011 12:27:13 +0000 Oxbridge 55315@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Donkeys all over Spain have sighed with gratitude - or in some cases gulped through the stranglehold of their reins - following Rafael Nadal's surprise exit in the quarter finals of the Australian Open. Many had feared that, if Nadal had won and thereby completed the Grand Slam of the four major open tournaments, the effects of the celebrations on their numbers could have been disastrous.</p> <p>'We've barely recovered from them winning the European Championship and the World Cup in quick succession,' complained Negrito, a male who has been chained upside-down from the roof of the church in a small village near Toledo for the past 17 years to symbolise the sufferings of Christ. 'This could have been the final straw.'</p> <p>According to unofficial estimates, on a night of ecstatic partying after Spain beat Holland 1-0 to claim its first World Cup last year, about 3,000 donkeys were thrown from church steeples or over cliffs, while 1,600 more were driven into the sea and sprayed with sulphuric acid. Others barely escaped alive after being driven through sewers by crossbows or having telegraph poles stitched into their backs.</p> <p>'You also have to factor in the trauma of the survivors,' added Marisol, a grey female who spends her life stapled to the wall of a primary school in Valencia with an archery target painted on her flank. 'Now every time they bring hay for me, I fear they are going to set fire to it and ram it down my throat to celebrate the local saint's martyrdom or something like that.'</p> <p>A few fortunate animals have been rescued by eccentric English Tory ex-pat ladies with a lot of time on their hands. Sadly, however, these donkeys feel little solidarity with their stricken colleagues.</p> <p>'It was David Ferrer, another Spaniard who beat Nadal, durr,' scoffed Chiquito, from the comfort of a sanctuary near Fuengirola. 'Just wait till the celebrations when Ferrer wins the final or Cesc Fabregas gets FIFA Footballer of the Year. I mean ee-aw, ee-aw, ee-aw to have a good chance. Sorry, couldn't resist that one. My ass hurts. Oh dear, somebody stop me...' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7829#post-21223 Mon, 05 Jul 2010 11:20:18 +0000 Gary Stanton 21223@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Arse-picking Wimbledon Champion, Rafa Nadal, would likely lose a rematch against Andy Murray, if it was played on a surface of melting tar, according to experts. </p> <p>Tennis chiefs believe such conditions would favour Murray as he was raised in a country where tennis facilities amount to a few lines scratched across a busy side-street using a stone while your mate sits in the middle and decides whether it’s in or out or not. In these circumstances, skill level is determined not by the finesse of your backhand, but by whether you can avoid being tossed in the air like a rag doll by some c*nt in an Audi A4 before your ninth birthday.</p> <p>Melting asphalt is known to impede the progress of players and ball alike and would hamper Nadal’s attempts to throw himself to the ground at the end of every match like some fucking martyr, or risk ruining his T-shirt.</p> <p>Earlier today, however, Brian Walton, of the All England Tennis Club, hit back at the claims, insisting that while Nadal’s game has obvious weaknesses on certain surfaces, such as velcro and pumice, Murray’s is shit on all of them. </p> <p>And Walton maintains that, regardless of the playing surface, the plucky Scottish underdog has no answer to the gobshite tactics employed by Nadal in his second round match, such as calling a time-out for an imagined injury when it looks like your serve is in danger, or stopping to tie your laces when your opponent has a break point. </p> <p>Stung by this criticism, Murray is hoping to take a leaf out of the newly-crowned champion’s lexicon of cheatery by adding a new set of skills to his armoury including shouting “Plane!” when Nadal is about to serve for set point, whereupon he will point at an incoming Heathrow flight and ask Nadal “What do you reckon that is ? Could be an Easyjet judging by the orange on the tail-fin, or would you say it’s more of a reddish colour?’’ He will then seek the opinion of the empire thereby risking a code violation. </p> <p>In a post-match interview yesterday former tennis ace, Sue Barker, embarrassed the Wimbledon champion by drawing attention to his frequent anal incursions and asking him ‘Did you have worms as a child?’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7766#post-21015 Sun, 04 Jul 2010 00:56:06 +0000 SallyOldcow 21015@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><center><img src="http://i981.photobucket.com/albums/ae292/SallyOldcow/princecharlestennis.png"></center></p> <p>Yesterday afternoon the Chairwoman of the trustees of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Museum, Dame Shirley Porter, unveiled a painting commissioned to celebrate 125 years of Ladies' Singles at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club. The painting was commissioned from Prince Charles who attended the unveiling ceremony in army battle dress.</p> <p>This painting is one of only a few that the Prince has painted in oils; his favourite medium being water colour. After the Prince had unveiled the painting Dame Shirley appeared lost for words before making a short speech and then apologised for having to depart for another engagement.</p> <p>Brain Sewell, art citic for the London Evening Standard remarked that the painting was worthy of the the omnium gatherum of British Comic Art as currently assembled for us by Tate Britain as a summer treat — Britannia with her skirts up - Britannia with her arse and fanny under the magnifying glass. He said the pose looked familiar but he couldn't put his finger on it; possibly classical Greek, perhaps Athenian.</p> <p>The painting was originally intended to hang in The Kenneth Ritchie Wimbledon Library but several of the trustees opined that the broad consensus now was that the painting would be hung in the Museum Gift Shop and that posters of the painting would be made available for sale to the public. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7397#post-19884 Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:56:52 +0000 Mary Evans 19884@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7397#post-19883 Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:56:21 +0000 dicky37 19883@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry, that should read Henman Hill to be renamed 'Prominent but Largely Unpopular Scottish Lump'. It's the heat you see... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7397#post-19877 Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:32:28 +0000 dicky37 19877@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>[More soon] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6849#post-18322 Mon, 21 Jun 2010 09:59:28 +0000 4ty2 18322@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>surely they will have a strawberry sorbet called "come on tim" on sale this year</p> <p>definitively worth a fiver </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6849#post-18318 Mon, 21 Jun 2010 09:53:12 +0000 Ludicity 18318@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There was an outbreak of mass hysteria at The All England Tennis Championships today after a member of the audience shouted ‘Come on Tim!’ even though there was nobody called Tim actually playing.</p> <p>‘When the man said 'Come on Tim!' Centre Court just erupted,’ said presenter Sue Barker, ‘people were rolling about the aisles, the players couldn’t continue and the umpire was laughing so much he fell off his chair. It was pandemonium. We haven’t seen anything like this since the time when the pigeon landed on Court Number 3.’ </p> <p>The contagious laughter spread so fast that play on all courts was suspended with a number of people taken to hospital complaining of chest pains. ‘At one stage we feared the joke might derail the entire Championships,’ said Tournament Director Ian Ritchie, ‘we only managed to restore order by repeatedly opening and closing the retractable roof - something we use to help calm people down.' </p> <p>Speaking afterwards, the man who shouted the line, Mr Lionel Bream from Godalming, Surrey, said: ‘I noticed that people were shouting for the two players on court so I thought that it would be really funny if, instead, I shouted ‘Come on Tim!’ I guess the rest is history.’</p> <p>‘The line ‘Come on Tim!’ is so amusing because it creates a surreal juxtaposition,’ explained comedy expert Dr Jonathan Miller, ‘it refers to a time when people genuinely shouted ‘Come on Tim!’ for Tim Henman, a man who is himself a joke. Thus, by shouting ‘Come on Tim!’ when Tim wasn’t even there, Mr Bream created a sublime moment of post-ironic metatextual comedy genius.’</p> <p>The shout has now been confirmed as the funniest incident in the entire history of the All England Club, funnier even than when Ilie Nastase got down on all fours and looked into the Cyclops line calling machine, more amusing than when Henri Leconte pulled a face and minced round the court pretending to be a girl, and more ironic than every time John McEnroe knowingly says ‘You cannot be serious’ when he isn’t even being serious. </p> <p>‘Those were all truly hilarious incidents,’ said veteran tennis commentator John Barrett, ‘but when that man shouted ‘Come on Tim!’ I laughed so hard I shat my pants.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1223#post-3189 Sat, 20 Mar 2010 08:26:12 +0000 virtuallywill 3189@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/_Z-NTwee9jsw/Sceg_ArWrFI/AAAAAAAA3jc/QI_rbTkzRZk/s640/bnp%20tennis-0128.jpg "> </p>