http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=supermarkets The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 05:14:46 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163675 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 19:13:09 +0000 AReader 163675@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Paragraphs 5 and 6 unnecessary but still a nice shaggy dog story. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163629 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 16:38:49 +0000 Tess Goes 163629@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very entertaining </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163615 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 15:57:19 +0000 Gary Stanton 163615@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks, edited with new punchline. I couldn't access the site for the last 3 hours. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163608 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:04:46 +0000 Tripod 163608@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff... stars (five for the price of three)... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56572#post-163607 Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:00:56 +0000 Gary Stanton 163607@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The tinned foods aisle of a Wirral-based branch of Asda is locked in a bitter blood feud over the who should price up the mushy peas, according to reports. The rival clans from Hoylake and West Kirby have amassed personal wealth estimated to be in the thousands after putting in extra night shifts at the store’s branch in Woodchurch. </p> <p>The rift dates back to 2001 when a group of Asda Aces led by ‘Steve’ split from those led by ‘Colin’ over a carelessly-stacked batch of Winalot mixer. A geological survey at the time concluded that earth tremors posed a ‘significant risk’ to batches of dog food stacked over four feet high, but Colin pressed on with his hare-brained scheme, insisting he needed to maximise space to accommodate two hundred tins of Cesar.</p> <p>In the event a tremor set off by a passing lorry led to a cascade of tins, three of which struck Steve on his elbow causing substantial bruising and momentary nausea. ‘I was very lucky,’ said Steve, ’Cesar had been recently rebranded from Mr Dog, the tins of which were less streamlined. Had it been Mr Dog I would’ve been eating through a straw by now. ‘I’ll never forgive that lowlife bastard.’</p> <p>The latest dispute centres on Aisle 13, a notoriously grey area. Last night police were called to the store when Steve’s mate Darren threatened Colin with a pricing gun after the pair attempted to label the same tin of Harry Ramsden’s peas – a bargain at 39p. </p> <p>DS Jack Brine said ‘The use of a pricing gun marks a disturbing trend. We are witnessing a power shift with Steve’s gang, who traditionally control aisles 14 to 20, attempting to make inroads into aisles 1 to 13, which with the exception of bleach and household cleaning products, is Colin’s turf.‘</p> <p>‘We understand that Steve has vowed to extend his empire from tinned peas to the adjacent aisle 12 containing Fray Bentos meat pies and packet ‘mashed potato and has instructed his gang to mark the aisle out as their territory by hanging their training shoes from the overhead lighting. </p> <p>Colin said ‘For generations my ‘family’ have held exclusive rights to stack and price up aisle 13 as agreed by the previous store manager Phil Wilson, a good guy who sadly didn’t make it. Steve is dirty underhanded scum just like his Granddaddy.’ Colin added </p> <p>‘Today I woke up to find a packet of dubiously sourced frozen lasagne on my pillow. Anymore of this and I’m applying to study Geology at Keele.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48433#post-139354 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 12:09:00 +0000 Bismarck 139354@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Leading supermarkets ave welcomed a poll which suggests that Britons would be happy to pay for carrier bags. certain supermarkets are staying coy about rumoured plans to sell a range of bags with varying qualities. One insider suggests that there will be a basic bag- which will hold shopping for approximately 3 mins before it rips, up to a luxury "Bag for Eternity" which you could climb into in the event of a nuclear war. There will be other bags available, and will carry a logo suggesting number of minutes use before disintegration. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4589#post-12874 Mon, 17 May 2010 08:24:33 +0000 The All New Jeni B 12874@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>About time someone took this shocking habit to task!!<br /> We need to address the random appearance of a single Roast Chicken crisp that unexpectedly turn up in other flavours. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4589#post-12873 Mon, 17 May 2010 08:02:41 +0000 QorbeQ 12873@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like that Mr P! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4589#post-12870 Mon, 17 May 2010 07:53:03 +0000 jp1885 12870@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Some of Britain's major supermarket chains are facing the wrath of the Trading Standards Institute, it has emerged, following reports that their own-brand bags of fresh air are being half filled with crisps in order to bulk out the packaging.</p> <p>According to a Trading Standard preliminary report, supermarkets are using this tactic to make the packets look fuller: 'The consumer thinks she's getting good value for money,' wrote one investigator, 'but in reality what they think is a family size bag of air mainly consists of a fried potato snack.'</p> <p>Retail giant Sainburys is one of the companies under fire, with their premium bags of Sandbanks Sea Air consisting of up to 50% sea salt and malt vinegar crisps and their Atmosphere of Kobe Beef Grazing Pasture being in the main a staggering 70% Fillet Steak crinkle cut potato chips. Rivals Asda are also on the defensive, after their budget Bugger-All and Sweet F.A packs were found to contain over 30g of scampi and bacon flavour fries respectively.</p> <p>Trading standards have urged supermarkets to follow the lead of the household names of such as Walkers, whose snacks contain a ratio of 10% crisp to 90% fresh air - the 10% being the minimum industry standard amount of fried potato ballast needed to stop the bags being blown off the shelves.</p> <p>However the supermarkets have hit back at these allegations, with one industry spokesman calling for the air/crisp ratio to be reviewed. 'Our packaging needs to be not only foil-lined to keep our air fresh, but also has to be fully biodegradable. The material we use to achieve this is far lighter than that used to make standard packets, and therefore needs to be weighed down by a greater proportion of salty snack treats. If Trading Standards wants to dispute this, then we are more than happy to take them on in the courts, unless the case amicably settles in transit.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1759#post-6306 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:43:32 +0000 simonjmr 6306@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Isn't this along the lines of Armando Iannucci's Time Trumpet episode where Tesco invaded Denmark utilising their arsenal of Express, Metro and Extra stores!</p> <p>Just a thought </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1759#post-6302 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:27:19 +0000 Genghis Cohen 6302@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Some additional ideas and a re-working of Neal's effort:</p> <p><u><strong>Supermarket price war escalates as Tesco acquires Nuke</strong></u></p> <p>The UK supermarkets’ battle for a greater share of the consumer pound took an alarming turn this week as Tesco announced it was on the verge of achieving nuclear capability. Despite international concern, the retailer has insisted its intentions in stockpiling atomic warheads are far from sinister, and purely part of its ‘relentless commitment to value, and meeting the needs of the busy mum or despot.’</p> <p>The UN has responded quickly and arms inspectors have been sent into Tesco branches nationwide to monitor their nuclear programme. ‘We haven’t found anything yet,’ said one. ‘Our Geiger counters all gave out after picking up some very strange readings in the fruit and veg aisle. But we’re confident of uncovering something soon. Some of the staff already look like they’ve been exposed to something nasty, and there’s a worrying smell coming from the cheese counter.’</p> <p>Only months ago commentators believed the Cold War was over after Asda rolled-back to pre-Cuban missile crisis prices on key frozen goods such as chicken dippers and Findus crispy pancakes. But since Tesco’s announcement other supermarkets have been quick to respond. Lidl has vowed to launch a suicide bombing campaign after finding a surprising number of willing volunteers from among its own staff, and Asda has itself developed biological weapons, though these were later confirmed to be its Smartprice rice pudding.</p> <p>Despite the crisis, supermarkets have found ways to turn it to their advantage and win new customers. Sainsbury’s has drafted in Jamie Oliver once again to promote the superior quality of it’s ‘Bag for Half-Life’, and M&amp;S is promising 'Armageddon for two' for a tenner. And amid concerns over the nuclear buying practices of Tesco, Waitrose has promised to develop a Fairtrade nuclear arsenal with ethically sourced uranium hand-enriched by local scientists, plus computers for schools vouchers with each test launch.</p> <p>There were signs today that there may be common ground between the supermarkets after all agreed that it would be ‘catastrophic’ for the future of edge-of-town malls across the world if ‘more volatile’ Indian and Pakistani-owned cornershops in residential areas were allowed to acquire nuclear weapons. However, things looked less hopeful after Tesco contacted its Clubcard holders to reward their loyalty with advance notice of the world’s best before date, before revealing that their 400-pack of tinned spam is currently ‘buy one get one free’, and Value range nuclear bunkers are now only £49.99.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1759#post-5807 Sun, 04 Apr 2010 22:04:00 +0000 nealdoran 5807@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>[ok, here's some ideas for this -- pretty drafty, but maybe will spark someone to do it properly...]</p> <p>Supermarket Price War escalates as Tesco 'to acquire Nukes'</p> <p>The UK supermarkets’ battle for a greater share of the consumer pound took an alarming turn this week as Tesco announced it was on the verge of achieving nuclear capability. While US and Russian navies mobilised to blockade British waters and the UN hurried to condemn the action of the supermarket, the retailer insisted its intentions in stockpiling atomic warheads were far from sinister, and purely part of its ‘relentless commitment to value, and meeting the needs of the busy mum or despot.’</p> <p>Other supermarkets have been quick to respond with their own nuclear programmes to intensify worries that the price war is heating up, with Asda undercutting Tesco with a rollback to pre-Cuban missile crisis prices, and Sainsbury’s drafting in Jamie Oliver once again to promote the superior half-life of their thermo-nuclear devices, and M&amp;S promising 'Armageddon for two' for a tenner.</p> <p>While the supermarket nukes proliferate further controversy is also emerging -- Tesco has insisted it is creating jobs, and wealth for developing economies by its nuclear move, but uranium enrichers working in makeshift labs across the former Soviet Union have condemned the buying practices of the supermarket, claiming they display ‘less social conscience than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad during a total news blackout’. The supermarket, they say, is driving them to the verge of bankruptcy, and they may even have to resort to dairy farming to get by.</p> <p>And despite all the supermarkets criticising each other for escalating the situation by selling wastefully large supplies of bombs that could never possibly be used before the world’s expiration date, they have been united in insisting they are sufficiently responsible for managing their own stocks, and by declaring that it would be ‘catastrophic’ for the future of edge-of-town malls across the world if ‘more volatile’ Indian and Pakistani owned cornershops in residential areas were allowed to get their hands on them. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1759#post-5530 Fri, 02 Apr 2010 18:53:29 +0000 Mary Evans 5530@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A great idea worthy of lots more words. Get to it Wibbly. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1759#post-5430 Fri, 02 Apr 2010 09:21:37 +0000 curry muncher 5430@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Is that a misprint for Nike? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1759#post-5427 Fri, 02 Apr 2010 09:19:12 +0000 nealdoran 5427@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd second that(although not volunteering to do any actual work, mind...). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1759#post-5160 Wed, 31 Mar 2010 21:21:49 +0000 Genghis Cohen 5160@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think this a fantastic idea and well worth expanding. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1759#post-4961 Tue, 30 Mar 2010 23:11:26 +0000 IamWibble 4961@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Asda thought to also be acquiring biological weapons - later confirmed to be Smartprice Rice Pudding. More Soon </p>