http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=stranglewank The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 19 Jun 2013 09:12:55 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62626#post-182297 Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:25:26 +0000 MADJEZ 182297@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46682#post-134299 Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:21:00 +0000 tedweasel 134299@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wahay! A bonus day off, will there be sandwiches? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46682#post-134298 Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:09:32 +0000 someone else 134298@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks. It meant a lot. Sid - the BBC reckon the weather in Brisbane is sunny and Essex is misty with sunny spells breaking through. Check back here for more weather later, cheers. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46682#post-134294 Fri, 10 Aug 2012 13:55:55 +0000 beau-jolly 134294@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Haven't laughed so much since granny died. Brilliant! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46682#post-134292 Fri, 10 Aug 2012 13:54:02 +0000 ramblesid 134292@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Is Bonjohnelson dead then? Well, long live Bonjohnelsonson, until the curse of Kazytc catches up with him. For sure he's doomed I tell yer.<br /> How's the weather in Brisbane BTW? Can I remind you that Yorkshire's ahead of Oz in the meds table </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46682#post-134290 Fri, 10 Aug 2012 13:39:45 +0000 someone else 134290@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thought you might like to know, Mr Ramblesid the consequences of your actions in blaming bonjonelson for the invented death of some nutter who rashly posted toss on here a while back.</p> <p>I must admit that I initially thought bonjonelson (father apparently unknown) was a bit of a git, coming on here and getting lots of front pages, but soon afterwards I felt guilty about it, and we've now been in a same-sex marriage for three years.</p> <p>I won't trouble you with the details of his childhood struggling as a poor Russian peasant boy living on gravel, or his near lifelong obsession with breathing, which sadly ended yesterday when, overcome with remorse for his treatment of kaazzzzyyytkk, he tragically ate himself to death. </p> <p>I know he was acutely embarrassed by his enormous knees, which is why I'm bringing it up here, as I think everyone should know how he felt. I told him, every three minutes, not to read NewsBiscuit, but I could always tell when he had, by checking my lucky seaweed for dampness.</p> <p>His only father (daughter apparently unknown) emailed me quite by chance this morning, having guessed my email address from the billions of possibilities. He told me bonjo was found, knee in hand, slumped in front of the NewsBiscuit "Advice for young writers" page.</p> <p>I'm sure your every mention of his cruel role in poking mentals with sticks will bring a strangely raffish smile to your boyish yet somehow knowing lips, so please continue to enjoy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22618#post-61135 Wed, 16 Mar 2011 15:33:13 +0000 Scroat 61135@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><a href="http://www.framley.com/pages/clas010.php" rel="nofollow">http://www.framley.com/pages/clas010.php</a></p> <p>Priceless stuff. Thanks whoever tagged this. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22618#post-61128 Wed, 16 Mar 2011 14:50:36 +0000 Zadok the second 61128@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lucky Pierre, I say. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22618#post-61127 Wed, 16 Mar 2011 14:43:17 +0000 pinxit 61127@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>*****</p> <p>Minor quibble - what about the sexually tampered puffins?</p> <p>Surely they deserve some consideration... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=22618#post-61112 Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:33:32 +0000 wallster 61112@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I feel I must complain in the strongest terms about the content of today's front page. Not only are we subjected to a gratuitous image of James Nesbitt, but it seems we must sit by while two people, who, incidentally, I believe to be writing under assumed names, mock the man's career; which has been dying on its arse since he was coerced into appearing in a series of ill advised yellow pages adverts some years back.</p> <p>Can you please ensure that future front page stories do not include any elements of mockery, controversy, topicality, comedy, cock-er-ny, Shy guy a weh me wanty, wanty, wanty; Only him can make me feel irie? As Diana King so eloquently put it.</p> <p>Unless things start to pick up soon, I will be writing in the strongest terms to OFBISCUIT; demanding that your satire licence be revoked; and that your annual bonus be distributed among animal charities, to be spent on the urgent rehabilitation of over-licked squirrels, cheeky penguins and badgers with arm induced walking disorders.</p> <p>Oh and while you're at it, please have the decency to withdraw your planning application to build a biscuit themed theme park on the site of the derelict watering hole over yonder hillside.</p> <p>Garibaldi World may well make you a few extra coppers, my man, but just you stop and think about all the poor wee orphans you'll be making homeless in the process. It'll be prostitution for half of them. Again.</p> <p>Yours lovingly,</p> <p>Some bloke or other. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7396 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 21:57:38 +0000 sauce 7396@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sweet dream, stunts. </p> <p>Scroat, there's nowt to understand: all the knot names are invented but based on vaguely knot-ish jargon (google is so useful) and NB in-jokes (stranglewank etc). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7355 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 17:32:09 +0000 Scroat 7355@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one Sauce. Obviously lost on me. Being so dim. In fact I couldn't understand a word. But it had a nice happy ending. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7354 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 17:13:39 +0000 allmyownstunts 7354@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have an array of twinkly stars for clever post but mainly for the Ray Mears reminder (slides happily off sofa dreaming of lounging in palm-fringed hand-built shelter, watching dinner being cooked on open flame and wondering just what he's gonna knock up next...) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7349 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 16:43:45 +0000 sauce 7349@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How could I knot have used that, Zadock? Doh! *kicks self* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7307 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 12:17:42 +0000 Zadok the second 7307@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think we are in danger of splitting the parties between the Haves and the Have-Knots. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7286 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 10:05:46 +0000 Ostsee 7286@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Something reminds me about Jacky Onnassis, her first husband maybe? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7236 Tue, 13 Apr 2010 05:34:31 +0000 sauce 7236@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks, Ed, Jeni.<br /> Aw, they wouldn't have me in the Brownies after I suggested we did our Ray Mears best to live off the land and fried some woodlice. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7205 Mon, 12 Apr 2010 21:23:56 +0000 The All New Jeni B 7205@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I do like this sauce. I'll give you some stars and a "Knot Tying" Brownie Badge. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7054 Mon, 12 Apr 2010 08:05:51 +0000 edward hack 7054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Clever stuff sauce...more please<br /> Albert Pierrepoint did a nice line in knots - you should try one Ram </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-7030 Mon, 12 Apr 2010 06:14:50 +0000 sauce 7030@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers, Babs, Sid. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-6962 Sun, 11 Apr 2010 20:19:42 +0000 ramblesid 6962@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I hate to have to agree with a Mick (smiley face). Love the word play but it'll be lost on this lot. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-6959 Sun, 11 Apr 2010 20:10:02 +0000 nealdoran 6959@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Clever funny stuff sauce. Nice to see you in the WR. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2350#post-6934 Sun, 11 Apr 2010 15:37:43 +0000 sauce 6934@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Aspiring MPs from all parties are literally tying themselves in knots to pander to the electorate. 'From a three sheets breezer shank to a granny half-hitch, they'll contort themselves into something that looks like what they imagine the public wants,' says a Westminster insider.</p> <p>A quick survey of Labour's Parliamentary offices suggests there's a tie for most popular knot between the reality-and-time warp (advanced string theory: everyone knows the name but no one sees how it could possibly result in fishnets) and the round down turn switch knot. Tory candidates admit an old school tie for the overbearing underhand throttle knot and the limp fox fisting gibberous.</p> <p>'People are always telling me to get knotted,' says Tory hopeful, Quentin Smythe-Fforde. 'I aim to give my constituents what they need at this election – and what they deserve.' Mr Smythe-Fforde is hoping to perfect a stranglewank brazilian badger in time for hustings. 'I used to be a boy scout. "Be prepared" is still my motto.'</p> <p>The Lib Dems have a Cable in place with a Clegg cleat: 'A twistless, straightforward take on Schrödinger's cat's cradle: you have to elect it to find out if it exists or not.' The Green Party were braiding with hemp but were fined for smoking. </p> <p>If potential MPs think knotty problems demand knotty interventions the public is less than impressed. 'I've never seen such a tangled mess of policies,' says veteran MumsNet user, Linda Pugh. Let's hope they can repair the frayed economy and knit a safety net for the poorest kids. But our best bet is they're so hopeless they knot nooses for their own necks. Hang the lot of them!' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=760#post-2022 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 11:40:38 +0000 Rizzo 2022@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following the death of child star Corey Haim the world once again has it's eyes on Tinsel Town as minor celebrities and reality TV stars compete in a manic attempt to contract the fatal Star Flu and be once more catapulted into the glare of the media if only for a short time.</p> <p>Star Flu, a mixture of influenza and prescription drugs has always been a low level celebrity fatality only appearing occasionally in the autopsy reports but following the high profile death of Heath Ledger in 2008 and Brittany Murphy in 2009 its status has gathered momentum over the classics such as choking on vomit, Heroin overdose and the more recent Stranglewank. Before Haim's death it was thought that Star Flu could only be contracted by successful actors but now authorities fear the floodgates have been opened for every budding celebrity and has been.</p> <p>26 year old Brian Johnson who appeared briefly in American Idol in 2006 told of his daily routine to try and become infected "I usually get up early and have a freezing cold shower and don't bother towelling off, then I'll go to the train station and shake hands with a lot of people whether they want to or not before rifling through the bins for used tissues. I couldn't believe the good news that Corey Haim was a carrier as he only lives a few blocks away from me so I've already been round to his house to lick his front door handle, my throat feels a little sore so now so I'm going home to take a cocktail of painkillers"</p> <p>Star Flu has also caught the eye of the once successful older actor who feel with the benefit of old age on their side they are a likely candidate. Diane Taylor, who starred in a number of films in the 1960's but has since only been seen in bit parts and adverts however has denied that she had any interest in the disease. "I know all about it of course but it's not for me, all that sneezing and phlegm is very undignified and you know everyone's doing it now. A friend of mine Patrick Mowen has all the symptoms and he's been flaunting it all over town like a tattered boa, turning up at every function coughing and spluttering, the luvvies are lapping it up of course, literally in some cases" </p>