http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=star-trek The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 14:01:14 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13240#post-35996 Thu, 30 Sep 2010 12:51:16 +0000 4ty2 35996@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Amazing this is "starless", needs more than 5. The only thing missing is the picture? What a front page this will be.</p> <p>Thanks for bringing me to tears. better get back to work now. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13240#post-35988 Thu, 30 Sep 2010 12:15:32 +0000 jp1885 35988@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following complaints that the UK's armed forces are not properly equipped for modern warfare; the Home Office has today revealed the ongoing rollout of more contemporary uniform and weaponry policies, specially commissioned from JJ Abrams' Star Trek costume designer Michael Kaplan.</p> <p>Kaplan has dismissed claims that the new uniforms are sexist, stating that it is helpful on the battlefield to be able to easily distinguish between male and female soldiers. Women on the front line are less forgiving, complaining that the velour miniskirts they are now forced to wear are 'provocative' and 'revealing', although many male soldiers believe that the skirts of their heavily androgynous muscular female counterparts 'aren't worth looking up'. 'I did try grabbing a quick glance up the Corporal's skirt the other day,' said an anonymous forces member, shuddering visibly, 'but I could swear there were testicles poking out the side of the gusset.'</p> <p>Female soldiers are not the only ones to have issues with the new garments, with many squaddies clamouring to get hold of yellow or blue shirts rather than the infamous 'red' type. There have also been a number of complaints about the cut of the new garments: 'When they implemented this change in the States, they got those snazzy uniforms from Star Trek Nemesis,' said Lieutenant Paul 'Holly' Hollins, 'but we've been given those stupid shirts from the early Next Generation episodes - you know, the ones that keep riding up. It's no fun fighting the Taliban with your midriff exposed to the elements I can tell you. Oh, and don't get into unarmed combat with the enemy whatever you do - these bloody shirts rip off at the shoulder in seconds.' </p> <p>The most hotly contested change being brought in, however, is on the weaponry front. 'These new rifles are absolutely useless - where's the kill setting?' said Lieutenant Hollins. 'We've been scoring direct hits on enemy snipers, but minutes later the bastards are getting up again, picking off anyone in a red top. We're supposed to have a shoot-to-kill policy - if we wanted to stun the enemy, we'd just get the girls to lift their skirts at them.'</p> <p>[By me and Qorbeq] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2267#post-6647 Fri, 09 Apr 2010 08:32:22 +0000 Stan Laurel 6647@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>After waiting for “what seemed like centuries”, Starfleet’s flagship <em>USS Enterprise</em> has finally taken delivery of new state of the art i-Communicators. In a special communiqué, broadcast from the transporter room as he waited for the consignment to be beamed aboard, Captain James T Kirk thanked his crew for their patience and paid tribute to the maintenance teams who had managed to keep the old communication devices working against all the odds by salvaging parts from NBC’s dwindling supply base and hovercar boot sales. </p> <p>Kirk had despaired of ever getting his hands on the new communicators. In a recent log he recorded his irritation:</p> <p><em> “Stardate 1376.6: Still no communicators. Starfleet are blaming the latest delays on the universal recession and an unexpected cost overrun on the London to Birmingham high speed train link.” </p> <p>“We captured a Klingon ship two weeks ago and a Romulan insurgent vessel yesterday. All their crews had the latest communicators, yet all we have is crappy 1966 technology. You can’t even text on our useless things; and there’s no camera or MP19 player. There is certainly no way you can visit your Spacebook page on them. I’d boldly use the captured devices if I could; but there isn’t a market stall anywhere to have them unlocked.”</em></p> <p>But the frustrations of captain and crew were soon forgotten as they tried out their new i-Communicators. However, the general consensus that the mobiles were exceptional devices was not shared by Chief Medical Officer McCoy. “There is a major flaw with communicators loaded with the new phaser app,” he reported to First Officer Spock, “if you hit the mute button on a call, the phaser fires as if it were on the old weapon’s “stun” setting. Several of the crew have literally been knocked out by the pesky new gadgets.”</p> <p>Undaunted, Captain Kirk is not letting this irregularity stop him from using the new device, but he has acknowledged that he will have to alter the standard instructions given to landing parties. The next time he beams down to a gaudy planet with a security detail, he will be issuing the order “Communicators on mute, gentlemen.” </p>