http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=sky The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 20 Jun 2013 04:59:13 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43702#post-125062 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 13:57:09 +0000 Duff 125062@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hospitals across the capital are reporting a surge in admissions today as a steady stream of TV Royal Correspondents appear to be signing themselves in for treatment. It's understood that they are all suffering from a new and worrying illness, seemingly brought on by The Diamond Jubilee, that media insiders are dubbing <em>Grovel-meltdown</em>.</p> <p>The first high profile casualty is believed to be the BBC's Nicholas Witchell, who was spotted last night at UCLH looking completely deranged. A hospital source told reporters, "Nick is at the end of his tether. This Diamond Jubilee business is killing him, quite literally. He has spent the last two weeks grinning to camera for up to sixteen hours a day; filling in with endless, pointless inane drivel about the most tediously uninteresting royal trivia."</p> <p>It's understood the well-loved veteran presenter, who coincidentally is known to be Prince Charles's personal favourite Royal Correspondent, finally flipped when he was asked to do a piece with a psychic who claimed to be able to predict the future of The Monarchy by analysing the Queen's Corgis' turds.</p> <p>And meanwhile bosses at Sky News are stringently denying that roly-poly housewives' favourite, Eamonn Holmes is close to breaking-point at having to front-up their Jubilee coverage. Speculation intensified as his <em>Sunrise</em> co-presenter, Charlotte Hawkins, was seen leaving Hammersmith Hospital last night looking ashen-faced and shaken. In the light of no official statement having been released by the satellite broadcaster many are now drawing their own conclusions. Certainly Holmes is nowhere to be seen today following yesterday's marathon broadcast from the Thames River Pageant.</p> <p>ITV is not immune from this worrying trend either with as yet further unconfirmed reports suggesting that Alastair Stewart spontaneously combusted last night on the set of ITV news. </p> <p>Stewart, widely regarded by Royal watchers as the groveller <em>par excellence</em>, had just "thrown" to a VT report on The Thames Pageant, but when the item finished and the studio feed resumed he had been mysteriously been replaced by Julie Etchingham, who looked rattled and according to some viewers had tears in her eyes.</p> <p>Spokesman for <em>The National Union of Anchors</em>, John Molloy, speaking to Jeremy Paxman on <em>Newsnight</em> said, "The strain on my members has become intolerable. How would you like to be under that sort of pressure yourself? Having to bow and scrape, fawn and coo, and tug your forelock continually at every utterance and reference to The Queen and the Royal Family; no matter how banal it is? It's hardly surprising that something's had to give. And believe me the major broadcasters will have to pay for this big time. You mark my words!" </p> <p>Mr Molloy added, "And before anybody sees this as an anti-Royalist rant, I'd just like to pay my own personal tribute to Her Majesty. Sixty wonderful and glorious years and not so much as one foot put wrong. We're lucky to have her, oh yes! Her devotion to duty and personal sacrifice is amazing. The money and tourism she brings to these islands is simply staggering. Did I tell you I'm getting an OBE next January? Oops! Sorry don't let that bit go out as it's meant to be a secret. OK?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31464#post-89044 Wed, 05 Oct 2011 09:06:52 +0000 vertical 89044@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>very funny starz </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31464#post-89019 Wed, 05 Oct 2011 00:43:24 +0000 Boutros 89019@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanx. I thought it was a bit obscure but I obviously UNDERESTIMATED YOU. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31464#post-89017 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 23:09:27 +0000 FlashArry 89017@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>... and there's me at ground zero - 5 * </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31464#post-89016 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 22:12:50 +0000 Midfield Diamond 89016@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very neat. 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31464#post-89004 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 20:40:23 +0000 kga6 89004@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Agreed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31464#post-88991 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 19:59:10 +0000 dvo4fun 88991@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Funny </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31464#post-88967 Tue, 04 Oct 2011 18:10:46 +0000 Boutros 88967@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78608 Sat, 23 Jul 2011 08:10:59 +0000 button 78608@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Corrigan that bit used to scare the hell out of me too. In fact it still does. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78565 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 23:05:18 +0000 OllieP 78565@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And so it becomes a deserved FP. Well done. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78526 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 20:52:58 +0000 Qoxiivi 78526@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers dvo. Haven't written anything for a while (have been too busy at work) so it's for my first piece in ages to be well received. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78503 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 18:53:38 +0000 dvo4fun 78503@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'..massive fan of Trident' - excellent </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78494 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 18:05:42 +0000 Qoxiivi 78494@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You're right about the ambiguity Corrigan, hadn't spotted that.</p> <p>Cheers OllieP. Regarding Virgo, what's happened to his neck? He looked all hunchy at the world championships... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78477 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 17:08:59 +0000 OllieP 78477@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it a lot. 5.</p> <p>No idea why you've got such a gripe against John Virgo though. He wore some shocking waistcoats, sure, but he more than made up for that by doing his wonderful tricks shots. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78476 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 17:06:00 +0000 Corrigan 78476@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>That scene in Flash Gordon when the bloke off Blue Peter had to put his hand in the tree used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid.<br /> Nice work on the article.The title works on two levels too. It sounds like they're fighting for the right to enact a dastardly plan thought up by Hess. Nice one </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78470 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 16:53:49 +0000 steve_l 78470@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>-Whoever loses the combat should get the grave, as they need it first. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78381 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 12:42:14 +0000 Qoxiivi 78381@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep. That's what first sprang to my mind when I imagined this. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78380 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 12:39:34 +0000 button 78380@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. I'm picturing it like the bit in Flash Gordon when he fights Prince Barin. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28251#post-78373 Fri, 22 Jul 2011 12:16:33 +0000 Qoxiivi 78373@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Margaret Thatcher and Norman Tebbit are to engage in mortal combat for the right to be buried in Rudolf Hess’s recently vacated grave.</p> <p>The contest, due to be broadcast on Sky pay-per-view in August, is the result of a bitter feud between the two that’s been raging since Hess’s assorted parts were delicately shovelled into a bin on Wednesday.</p> <p>Despite a flood of inquiries about the vacant plot from thousands of moribund fascists, Christoph Huber, the cemetery’s caretaker, says Thatcher and Tebbit were the two stand-out candidates.</p> <p>“Nick Griffin, Jeremy Clarkson, that cunt from Big Break; they’ve all been lining up to jump into Hess’s grave. It’s our most expensive and high-profile hole though, so we can’t just let it out to any old absolutist tosspot.”</p> <p>He continued, “In the end, Margaret Thatcher and Norman Tebbit were the obvious choices. We just couldn’t split them though, so that’s where the idea of the competition came from.”</p> <p>James Murdoch hopes the carnage, which will unfold to dramatic music on a tilting circular platform, will mark a return to popularity for the beleaguered broadcaster.</p> <p>“We’re definitely getting the public back on side with this one. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see ‘The Normanator’ triumphantly plunging a trident into 'The Iron Lady' as she writhes, disorientated, under a heavy net?”</p> <p>He was also quick to calm criticism of the event’s brutality, “It’s no more gladiatorial than Britain’s Got Talent, and rest assured the loser’s remains will be respectfully left in a festival toilet.”</p> <p>Whatever the outcome on the night, Margaret’s son, Mark Thatcher, thinks it could be a fitting end for his mother, “It’s how she’d want to go. She’s always was a massive fan of Trident.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18865#post-51015 Thu, 23 Dec 2010 01:27:17 +0000 Golgo13 51015@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18865#post-51007 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 23:57:07 +0000 IABP 51007@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>He should have had broad banned and then he wouldn't have got into this mess. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18865#post-51000 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 23:11:17 +0000 antharrison 51000@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very funny 5 </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18865#post-50802 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 10:04:09 +0000 Gary Stanton 50802@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Business Secretary Vince Cable has announced his intention to withdraw his subscription to Sky Sports 2 in a move that is likely to rock the broadcasting giant to its foundations . </p> <p>The decision marks his latest salvo in war against Murdoch Empire, with financial repercussions for the organisation of up to £15.99 a month, depending on whether he also opts to ditch the Discovery Channel.</p> <p>It would also mean that Cable will no longer be able to follow the World Darts Championship and can kiss goodbye to live coverage of the third round Spanish Cup tie between Athletico Madrid and Villareal, unless he watches it round a friend’s house. </p> <p>Cable’s ambivalent relationship with the Sky Corporation first came to light in June this year after a batch ministerial papers he was carrying were accidentally snapped by photographers. Amongst them were lewd caricatures of Sky mascot Marge Simpson over which Cable had scrawled the phrase “Blue Rinse Whore” . </p> <p>It is thought Cable’s rabid dislike of the character dates back to episode 198, Series 24 in which Mrs Simpson announces she is an adherent to the Milton Friedman school of laissez-faire economics and ponders whether or not to send her son Bart to private school. </p> <p>Cable told constituents : </p> <p>“Yeah I could pull the plug on the whole Sky package just to spite that bitch. Only problem is I’m tied into an eighteen month contract which includes wireless broadband and my mobile phone - so don’t expect this shit to kick off before March 2012. “</p> <p>Last night senior politicians were discussing the ramifications of Cable’s radical plan. Close friend and confidant, Ming Campbell said: </p> <p>“A lot will rest on whether Vince elects to keep Discovery as one of his extra channels. He’s a huge fan of the Minke Whale and it just so happens that Discovery are running a series on its mating habits - stuff like pairing off and courtship rituals, right up until the final cumshot. “ </p> <p>“Roughly five pints, give or take a half “ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13198#post-35896 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 18:52:34 +0000 Mrblacker 35896@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The actors union Equity says it has major worries over plans for a festival of plays sponsored by the satellite broadcaster Sky.</p> <p>Productions of <em>Waiting for Godot</em>, <em>The Caretaker</em> and <em>The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui</em> and others will be shown live on Sky Arts in November. However, Equity say the sponsorship of the festival by Sky Plus, could create problems for the actors involved.</p> <p>"Our biggest worry is that viewers will pause the action, meaning the actors on stage will have to stay frozen in mid-speech as they await the signal for the resumption of the play." the union spokesman Michael Hanratty told reporters.</p> <p>"Just think about it. The first act could only just have begun when a viewer somewhere freezes the action to get a beer, they then get distracted by a phone call and decide to join their mates down the pub. All while this is happening, the actors are having to stay frozen in place, ruining the play for others and creating the possibility of serious muscular damage for the actors involved."</p> <p>Some of the actors lined up for the festival have also expressed their concerns.</p> <p>Joe Pasquale, whio is scheduled to play Aston in The Caretaker, says he is less than happy about the possibility of having to hold a pose for several hours while a viewer goes to get a kebab.</p> <p>"Let me tell you, despite what Madonna says, striking a pose has a great deal to it. It's incredibly painful."</p> <p>But a spokesman for Sky said actors shouldn't worry.</p> <p>"We've decided to rig each theatre with a series of lights that will only be activated when a certain number of viewers pause the action. And then it will only happen if a majority of those in the theatre itself decide to do the same thing." Joanna Treacher said.</p> <p>"It might be unconventional, but if the arts community wants to put on god-awful plays that no-one really wants to watch, they've got to put up with what the person who pays the bill wants to see." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10318#post-28295 Thu, 12 Aug 2010 11:28:06 +0000 Coldstream 28295@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very clever have 5 </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10318#post-28277 Thu, 12 Aug 2010 10:35:47 +0000 Golgo13 28277@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>☆☆☆☆☆ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10318#post-28273 Thu, 12 Aug 2010 10:31:06 +0000 FormerlyAlOPecia 28273@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent, 5. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10318#post-28271 Thu, 12 Aug 2010 10:29:28 +0000 Ludicity 28271@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is engaged in a multi-million dollar legal battle with God over the rights to use the term ‘sky’, claiming that it represents a clear trademark infringement.</p> <p>‘This second rate deity has obviously stolen the whole idea from BSkyB,’ claimed Mr Murdoch, ‘He’s even taken our distinctive blue logo and is passing it off as His own. It’s a bloody disgrace.’ </p> <p>Lawyers for God claim that He got there first, pointing to documents in the Book of Genesis that establish that their client created the sky on the second day. However, Mr Murdoch contends that, while this may be true, God failed to secure a worldwide patent on the design or bothered to trademark the name.</p> <p>‘I don’t know who was advising God at the time,’ said legal expert Joshua Rozenberg, ‘but before embarking on such an elaborate scheme He should have sought legal advice. On the first day He really should have created a copyright lawyer.’</p> <p>Mr Murdoch argues that customers could easily confuse the two products – both are vast in scope, essentially blue and run by an omnipotent being with a reputation for wrath and vengeance. </p> <p>Sky say that their case is also supported by consumer research which shows that a majority of the public believe that the heavens and the Earth are controlled by Rupert Murdoch, while God is a power-mad egomaniac responsible for an endless stream of sensational stories about sex and death.</p> <p>‘The products are very similar,’ said lawyers for Mr Murdoch, ‘and the last thing we want is for people to start looking up at the sky and wonder in awe at God’s creation when they could be indoors watching Pineapple Dance Studios.’</p> <p>Speaking at a press conference Mr Murdoch said: ‘This God bloke should give up now before I take Him for everything that He’s got. He might be merciful but I’m bloody well not.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3990#post-11334 Fri, 07 May 2010 12:07:18 +0000 Ostsee 11334@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...and Natasha's. Never seen Moira's. Thinking about it, the weather presenters all stand up, so the weather must always be a little off perfect. Some presenters have nice legs, the others, well...are blokes really. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3990#post-11328 Fri, 07 May 2010 11:18:01 +0000 Griffin 11328@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yea, but nowadays some of them have nice legs. Take Angela Rippon's for example.... </p>