http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=sex The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 17:51:56 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59639#post-173366 Sun, 14 Apr 2013 16:53:38 +0000 deceangli 173366@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Edited :</p> <p>A local man is hopeful today of finally getting laid after letting a pretty girl in at a busy junction near the library where he works.</p> <p>“She definitely smiled at me”, said the man. “And she was driving quite an old car, which should increase her gratitude for reasons I can’t quite articulate”.</p> <p>A psychologist commented “Unfounded optimism about sexual opportunities keeps the wheels of society moving. It's the basis for almost all DIY. Men believe that they can get sex for DIY, which will save them from DIY sex". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59639#post-173285 Sat, 13 Apr 2013 22:37:12 +0000 Yikes 173285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very enjoyable post! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59639#post-173283 Sat, 13 Apr 2013 22:22:23 +0000 reforse 173283@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Did you post this on your mobile in your car at the end of her street? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59639#post-173268 Sat, 13 Apr 2013 20:53:39 +0000 deceangli 173268@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think I got carried away . . . </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59639#post-173242 Sat, 13 Apr 2013 18:51:08 +0000 blacklesbian 173242@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I don't mind. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59639#post-173229 Sat, 13 Apr 2013 17:05:54 +0000 deceangli 173229@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A local man is hopeful today of finally getting laid after letting a pretty girl in at a busy junction near the library where he works.</p> <p>“She definitely smiled at me”, said the man. “And she was driving quite an old car, which should increase her gratitude for reasons I can’t quite articulate”.</p> <p>A psychologist commented “Unfounded optimism about sexual opportunities keeps the wheels of society moving. It’s the basis for all the oriental dating agencies advertising on sites like NewsBiscuit. I mean, they’re showing Koreans now, for pity sake. Do they think all aspiring comedy writers are so desperate they don’t mind if the girl’s <em><strong>radioactive</em></strong>? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57818#post-167664 Tue, 12 Mar 2013 23:22:43 +0000 Tess Goes 167664@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Dead funny... My other half goes stiff if I don't use the hot water bottle ! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57818#post-167658 Tue, 12 Mar 2013 22:35:40 +0000 LensCap 167658@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>did she just lie there playing Farmville? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57818#post-167648 Tue, 12 Mar 2013 21:06:06 +0000 Scoby Watson 167648@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47954#post-137803 Wed, 12 Sep 2012 09:15:30 +0000 Reeking Lum 137803@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As the nations Olympic hangover recedes, one question remains and demands to be answered. Where was the flood of international prostitutes promised by the organising committee?<br /> In the months leading up to the sports extravaganza, tantalising tales were emerging from past Olympics and World Cups of the bevy of buyable beauties and that would descend on the capital to offer their own globally unique and enterprising technical skills to help games goers cope with the tension of under performance in the medals table. One east end taxi driver said " we were all geared up for it, the Latvians, the Romanians, even Saudi Arabia promised to send a couple, I've invested a fortune in Rosetta Stone tapes, for what, NUFFINK, thats what".<br /> One theory put forward by Professor Reginald Ringbinder, a fellow of the five pound fellatio society is that the advance party of pimps and prozzies sent by many countries during the Queens Jubilee were laid low with urinary tract infections after standing out on street corners in the rain for 18 hours.<br /> A LOCOG spokesman has said that despite constant promises given that the numbers being provided were well within their means, the international sexlympic committee failed to deliver, "we have only left a fraction of the amount due to be paid on the dressing table" a senior LOCOG insider claimed yesterday. A government source that has asked to remain anonymous has stated that within the corridors of power, many members of parliament are equally frustrated " the feeling is we did everything we could for them, relaxing border controls, Olympic kerb crawling lanes, we even went as far as gagging the press. You have to feel for them, it was about the only hope some of them had of a good gobble" Business leaders have been equally scathing " Its a disaster" said one, "we hoped the services provided by east Eurpoean blondes and tiny tittied Thais would have distracted George Osbourne long enough to spark an economic recovery".<br /> Its all so different from the last time London held the Games, one Olympic veteran from 1948 reminisced " we could get a tug job on the top deck of a bus for half a banana in those days". Whatever went wrong, Rio have taken note, promising a bonanza of blow jobs in 2016. "from Brazilian girls and boys alike" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45205#post-129524 Tue, 10 Jul 2012 20:09:26 +0000 Mark Gregory 129524@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A new book trilogy, 50 Shades of Grey, by Cecilia Postlethwaite, has proved a massive hit. </p> <p>The book centres on the subservient relationship between a wife, her middle-aged husband and his ever-changing hair colour, his collection of coal and his obsession with HB pencils. </p> <p>The novel explores the dynamics of their interaction as she cooks meals for him, washes his clothes and tolerates his weird hobbies. </p> <p>Critics however, have stated that readers are buying the book by mistake, thinking that it is another novel of the same title, by E L James, which explores sado masochistic sexual fantasies. </p> <p>Random House, Postlethwaite’s publishers have refuted this, saying some of the books biggest fans are John Major (the ‘grey’ prime minister) and Steve Severin, lead singer of Visage, who had a hit single in the 80s with Fade to Grey.</p> <p>The publishers have also suggested that some smarter book fans can incorporate the themes of the two tomes, by using coal and pencils to liven up their sex lives. </p> <p>John Major refused to comment on whether he incorporated fossil fuels or drawing implements into his extra-marital affair with MP Edwina Currie in the 1980s. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41656#post-118841 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 12:47:01 +0000 Rootin Tootin 118841@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought the "rooster" set up was a good gag in itself and would have worked well if the punchline involved a chicken and a kitten, as everyone would have been waiting for the obvious. A sort of treble entendre. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41656#post-118840 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 12:43:45 +0000 Rootin Tootin 118840@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...said the actress to the ... oh, hold on. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41656#post-118812 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 11:25:08 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 118812@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You could be right, I could be spectacularly missing the point. Personally I just feel it works a bit better if you can see that it is a set up, but it's not quite so obvious what it's setting up.</p> <p>As soon as a rooster and a cat are mentioned you know what's coming. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41656#post-118805 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 11:16:45 +0000 Oxbridge 118805@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'you can see what's coming a mile off'. Fnarr fnarr, hur hur, yip yip, etc. Actually I thought being predictable was pretty much the whole point but interested in further feedback. Last para gone and some further twiddles made. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41656#post-118798 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 10:24:50 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 118798@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Don't think the last para works either. Also think that the rooster part feels a bit too forced for me, you can see what's coming a mile off.</p> <p>Is there room at the end for something like:</p> <p>The final straw came when Turnbull came home drunk one night while Waterson was trying to sleep, kicked her back doors in and left a terrible mess in the back passage. So she reported him for rape. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41656#post-118793 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 09:55:54 +0000 cinquecento 118793@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>room for 'under the doctor' ?<br /> mostly oo-er good; don't like last para - logic doesn't flow from first sentence to second, so 4 Matrons... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41656#post-118786 Tue, 17 Apr 2012 09:38:42 +0000 Oxbridge 118786@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In what is seen as a 'big blow' for celebrity watchers, The Right Reverend Geoffrey Turnbull, Bishop of Norwich, and former Hollyoaks actress Gemma Waterson have announced that their relationship has ended. According to Waterson's agent, the couple had endured too many ups and downs but simply could not stick things out any longer.</p> <p>A source close to Turnbull said that Waterson was suffering from emotional problems and he didn't want to give her one more by commenting in public. 'She has many knockers but Geoffrey won't be one of them. In fact, when two intrusive journalists pushed him too hard on the subject, he knocked one out'.</p> <p>According to Waterson's friends, however, she had frequently been up all night with worry about Turnbull's eccentric behaviour. It is alleged that he was recently abusive to Waterson when retrieving a prize winning Rhode Island Red rooster from the jaws of her pet cat, which had just chased it into a river at the bird sanctuary she runs in Devon.</p> <p>'He was screaming as he pulled his throbbing red cock from out of her wet pussy,' said Charlotte Brown, an assistant at the sanctuary. 'There were boobies and great tits banging about all the over place. Then they all calmed down, went upstairs and had sex.'</p> <p>Unfortunately, Turnbull came home drunk later that night while Waterson was trying to sleep, kicked her back doors in and left a terrible mess in the back passage. As a result, he is under arrest on suspicion of sexual assault and the split is permanent. AND the one in their relationship.</p> <p>Hello! magazine editor Rosie Nixon said that this was the worst news she had heard since the much loved comedy trio James Price, Hamish MacDougall and Paddy Murphy stopped going into pubs together after they realised that they were broadly similar in terms of intelligence and generosity.</p> <p>[Hat tip to VCG. From original by vens123] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118550 Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:34:26 +0000 allmyownstunts 118550@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>five stars with tassels on </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118534 Sun, 15 Apr 2012 06:17:44 +0000 arthurminnit 118534@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>its what i live for. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118520 Sat, 14 Apr 2012 18:28:08 +0000 Gary Stanton 118520@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Never mind sweet cheeks, thanks for banging it back up there x </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118518 Sat, 14 Apr 2012 18:14:10 +0000 arthurminnit 118518@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>errm, no, sorry, didnt laugh at all, not even a wry smile.<br /> not sick enough. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118378 Fri, 13 Apr 2012 12:49:31 +0000 Gary Stanton 118378@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The People have spoken. Fantons everywhere, I kiss your collective face. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118292 Fri, 13 Apr 2012 07:43:56 +0000 dvo4fun 118292@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>very very funny </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118272 Fri, 13 Apr 2012 02:52:32 +0000 rickwestwell 118272@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is how it should be done - nice work Gary. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118136 Thu, 12 Apr 2012 09:14:18 +0000 Gary Stanton 118136@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought so . Cheers. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118071 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 16:08:00 +0000 waylandsmithy 118071@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely job! Love the ending, very funny! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118057 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:21:41 +0000 Gary Stanton 118057@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks. I'm on Twitter you know .. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118009 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 08:50:39 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 118009@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>like it starshaped thingies sir </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41392#post-118004 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 08:24:52 +0000 Gary Stanton 118004@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>War Widow, Penny Swinton, whose husband Mark died tragically in the Afghan conflict, feels her decision to to recommence the hi-octane swinging lifestyle the couple once enjoyed together would have received his blessing. </p> <p>Mark Swinton, serving in Helmand province with the 2nd Yorkshire Regiment, was killed when an IED blew off his legs and the genitals he had put to such effective use on Doncaster’s healthy and vigorous wife-swapping scene. Mrs Swinton said, ‘Many of the people at my swinger’s club have lost loved ones to the conflict. Sometimes it’s just a shoulder to cry on, but inevitably one thing leads to another. I really am itching to get back out there, although my doctor says it could just be a reaction to the antibiotics.’ </p> <p>‘Mark and I had an open relationship and I encouraged him to sleep with girls he found on the streets of Kabul – not easy as the Taliban were executing all prostitutes over the age of twelve, especially if they were caught with a book in their hands.’ </p> <p>And in a tragic twist Mark’s favourite ‘Jasmina’ was beheaded after a Taliban commander discovered she was up to page fifty-six of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, where Harry uses his wand to stun a deer. ‘I know that affected him deeply’, she said. ‘After that I encouraged him find stimulation by leaning against the jeep with the engine still running, which obviously puts one at risk of sniper fire. </p> <p>‘But Mark knew the risks and he was very much accustomed to putting himself in extreme situations. Believe me, when you’ve picked up the keys to Fiona Sheppey’s Nissan Micra you’re prepared for anything.’ </p> <p>Swinton has been a tireless campaigner throughout the conflict and even sang a line on the Military Wives single in spite of a persistent rash. Yet Society has been quick to pass judgement. Friends have warned her against rushing into any scenario that involves multiple partners - to preserve Mark’s memory by keeping her dignity intact, to stoically maintain the role of ‘grieving widow’. </p> <p>She continued, ‘Everywhere I look there are reminders of him - the posthumous medals on the mantlepiece, the gaffer tape, lube and handcuffs in the bedside cabinet.’</p> <p>Swinton concluded, </p> <p>‘Perhaps you’d like to join in me in lighting a candle in Mark’s memory’ </p> <p>‘Er... no, not that one. Here, let me get you a cloth.’ </p>