http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=scotland The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 18:26:49 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58815#post-170870 Sat, 30 Mar 2013 11:32:01 +0000 Squudge 170870@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think you should include South Shields in the demilitarised zone to give this some gritty realism. A picture of that might invoke humanitarian aid. Maybe. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58815#post-170860 Sat, 30 Mar 2013 10:52:15 +0000 deceangli 170860@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lunatic North Briton dictator Alex Salmond said today that North Britain (or “Scotland”, as he insists on referring to it) is in a state of war with South Britain. Korean leader Kim Jong Un has tried to play down the tension, and has even offered to act as an arbitrator.</p> <p>“There are so many similarities with my own country. We have the demilitarized zone – a toxic wasteland in which no human can survive. You have the M62. We have a continuous stream of bonkers propaganda. You have Braveheart. I even suspect that the Scots might be speaking Korean; it certainly isn’t English”. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50459#post-145567 Wed, 24 Oct 2012 23:17:45 +0000 Chubbington 145567@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>May do so, thanks. Also not wild about the final paragraph though so it might be first for the chop when it comes to editing... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50459#post-145565 Wed, 24 Oct 2012 23:05:04 +0000 dvo4fun 145565@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Welcome Chubbington. </p> <p>For what it's worth, I think it could do with a little slapping around to reduce its length ... Maybe lose penultimate para? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50459#post-145561 Wed, 24 Oct 2012 22:53:14 +0000 Chubbington 145561@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond has finally revealed the source of the legal advice he sought on an independent Scotland's prospective membership of the European Union; a giant rabbit called Frank, visible only to him.</p> <p>A spokesman for the Scottish Government today claimed that the rabbit - who also counselled Salmond on the approaching end of the world, as well as giving him nutritional advice and guidance on how not to come off as such a smug twat - assured the First Minister that Scotland would be welcomed into the EU with open arms due to the provision in the Treaty of European Union for the free movement of workers - movement which would be sufficient to kill off the waves of heart disease-ridden jocks who would flood to Poland in the event of independence to escape the SNP- therefore lowering the union's overall level of heart disease.</p> <p>"The First Minister is satisfied, not only that we would be able to join the EU, but also, as the <strike>King Overlord</strike> leader of the richest nation in the world - thanks to our hitherto untapped reserves of the little known mineral Tartanium - he would soon be appointed as The Guardian of Europe to lead a resurgence against the relentless empire building of the villainous Chinese."<br />  <br /> "In addition, his legal council, Frank - who has in turn consulted such experts in international law and finance as The Ghost Who Never Lies and Griphook the Gringotts Goblin - has asserted that Scotland would not be legally compelled to join the Euro and would in fact be allowed, nay encouraged, to conduct international business in a combination of Zimbabwean Dollars and recycled shoes."</p> <p>When asked if the mysterious legal council would ever make a public statement, the First Minister's spokesman hastily explained that he was invisible to everyone except Mr Salmond, before claiming that a vortex was forming over our heads which would herald the end of time and ran away screaming and waving his hands above his head... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39857#post-113059 Tue, 13 Mar 2012 18:08:35 +0000 weematt 113059@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Labour party in Scotland have proposed setting a maximum limit to the amount of caffeine in alcoholic drinks. Debates in the Scottish Parliament have been taking far too long due to MSPs remaining awake in spite of spending hours in the bar.</p> <p>Opposing this move, Scotland's police have pointed out that reducing the caffeine could lead to drink drivers falling asleep at the wheel. “Bad enough being drunk in charge of a vehicle” said Strathclyde's Chief Constable, “but how much more dangerous if the driver is nodding off? Also we do not have the manpower these days to wait around for drunks to wake up so we can breathalyse them.”</p> <p>The Labour party responded that the police have not taken into account the many drinkers who will have fallen asleep before they get to their vehicles. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38612#post-110209 Mon, 20 Feb 2012 10:29:54 +0000 Major Clanger 110209@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I agree with Immunis. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38612#post-109529 Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:51:13 +0000 Immunis 109529@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's a shame that the NiB edit doesn't do this piece justice. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38612#post-109315 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 14:05:13 +0000 The All New Jeni B 109315@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38612#post-109313 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 13:58:11 +0000 ronseal 109313@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38612#post-109312 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 13:51:06 +0000 hughesroland 109312@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Any non-Scottish people caught wearing kilts at weddings face at least ten years' hard labour in a Polish prison under a new EU ruling.</p> <p>Sales of kilts as far south as Devon have increased ten-fold in the last 15 years, a boom attributed to increasing amounts of men seeking to distinguish themselves in a wacky way in a large group of other people.</p> <p>Under the ruling, which is expected to pave the way to Scotland's independence from the UK, any kilt-wearers unable to prove they were born north of the border face will have their kilts removed in public, before being flogged 150 times. They will then face immediate deportation to a Polish working prison, with no chance of appeal.</p> <p>The first man to be punished was Tom Bowles, 27, a chartered accountant from Surbiton. He said: 'I once went on a stag do in Edinburgh, and had a McVitie's biscuit a few years ago. I thought this would be more than enough to justify claiming some links with Scotland, but now I realise the error of my ways.' While gingerly tending to his wounds, Mr Bowles added: 'I realise now that I should have just worn a suit like everyone else. I'm not special after all.'</p> <p>Andy Walker, a marketing manager from Southampton, said he intended to wear a kilt at a friend's wedding in Cornwall this summer. 'My gran's maiden name was McKenzie,' he said. 'I mean, she wasn't Scottish and she never went to Scotland. But it sounds Scottish, so I'm going to wear this kilt - I'm going to look amazing, and everyone is going to love me looking completely different from them. My gran hated Scottish people actually, now I think about it.'</p> <p>Kilt-wearers also face additional punishment for lifting the kilt in a provocative way while drunk, or joking to women about 'what's hiding underneath.' </p> <p>Mohammed al Masaood, a Kuwaiti stock broker, said he wore a kilt to weddings 'because I like the feeling of the wind on my balls, and because it makes me look like a real man, not wearing a puny suit.' He said he did not fear a prison sentence: 'Bring it on, I will survive the gulag . I love the feeling of turning up at someone else's wedding and trying to upstage everyone, including the groom and bride, by wearing something crazy that I have no right to wear. No-one is going to take that feeling away from me.'</p> <p>Under the ruling, American tourists visiting Europe who claim to be Irish, German or Welsh will also face having to live for 10 years in Ireland, Germany or Wales before being deported. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38025#post-107435 Sat, 28 Jan 2012 23:23:49 +0000 Mathna 107435@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32622#post-92834 Wed, 26 Oct 2011 13:15:07 +0000 apepper 92834@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Poundland Nationalist Party has proposed an alliance with the SNP to leave the UK and form a new union tentatively named "Poondland". This move has been greeted with fury from some visitors to Poundland; "I love going to poundland", said one shopper, "If I had a pound for everything I'd bought there, I'd, er, be back where I started." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31284#post-88359 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 18:34:21 +0000 rikkor 88359@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I heard that like Canada, Scotland and the Isle of man, Wales pretends to be a real country. Is that really lltrue? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31284#post-88356 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 18:25:10 +0000 Boutros 88356@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the stars.</p> <p>What are Welsh people going to use now to pick up their dog shit? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31284#post-88328 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:49:02 +0000 dvo4fun 88328@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Boutros - phew thanks goodness for that. Thirty + years in public sector employment with all the diversity training and it turns out I'm not a racist. All that training budget money not wasted then. Don't actually recall any anti-xenophobism training so I'm good.</p> <p>Oh and Singing Stars of course </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31284#post-88321 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:11:23 +0000 Boutros 88321@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's Welsh alright. I spent the best years of my life there. And anyway it's not racism,it's xenophobia. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31284#post-88268 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:52:08 +0000 dvo4fun 88268@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well, we've only got your word for the fact that it's Welsh Boutros. And the six other people who speak the language of course. It could just be English written by a man with a heavy dose of phlegm.</p> <p>A Friday afternoon bit of casual racism and ethnic stereotyping there. </p> <p>I'll get my woollen coat and go out for a leek. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31284#post-88258 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:34:22 +0000 Boutros 88258@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Welsh translation added. I apologise for its earlier absence. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31284#post-88227 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 10:32:06 +0000 beau-jolly 88227@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How are they going to carry their free prescriptions now? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31284#post-88214 Fri, 30 Sep 2011 09:20:25 +0000 Boutros 88214@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>English border towns are gearing up for a cross-border bonanza from Welsh shoppers following the announcement of a 5p bag levy. "5p a bag, that's a scandal," commented one disgruntled shopper from Welshpool. "I can get in my car, I can be there in Shrewsbury with all my shopping bagged up and back within an hour without me having to pay some stupid bag tax. They haven't thought this through."</p> <p>Another shopper called for more product innovation. "If they're not going to give us bags at least they can put a handle on the six-packs. That would be a start."</p> <p>Meanwhile, storekeepers in Scotland are dreading the imposition of a similar tax. One Glasgow supermarket manager predicted, "What they can't carry in their hands or on their heads will simply stay on the shelves."</p> <p><em>I apologise for missing this out:</em></p> <p><strong>Boom amser ar gyfer Lloegr pan ardoll ar fagiau Gymraeg yn dod i rym.</strong><br /> Trefi ffin Saesneg yn cael eu paratoi ar gyfer bonanza trawsffiniol gan siopwyr Cymru yn dilyn y cyhoeddiad bag ardoll 5c. "5c bag, mae hynny'n sgandal," dywedodd un siopwr anfodlon o'r Trallwng. "Gallaf gael yn fy car, gallaf fod yno yn yr Amwythig gyda fy holl roi mewn bag siopa i fyny ac yn ôl o fewn awr heb i mi orfod talu rhywfaint o dreth ar fagiau dwp. Nid ydynt wedi ystyried hyn drwy."</p> <p>Siopwyr arall yn galw am fwy o arloesedd cynnyrch. "Os nad ydynt yn mynd i roi i ni bagiau o leiaf yn gallu eu bod yn rhoi handlen ar y pecynnau chwe. Byddai hynny yn cychwyn."</p> <p>Yn y cyfamser, storekeepers yn yr Alban yn dreading gosod treth tebyg. Ragwelir un rheolwr archfarchnad Glasgow, "Bydd yr hyn nad ydynt yn gallu cario yn eu dwylo neu ar eu pennau yn syml yn aros ar y silffoedd." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26998#post-74232 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 06:57:43 +0000 Ostsee 74232@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At times like this one must think if his poor mummy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26998#post-74139 Sun, 26 Jun 2011 17:38:56 +0000 Christopher Frost 74139@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Wimbledon tennis championships were plunged into chaos today, after militant Scottish nationalists kidnapped Britain’s Andy Murray.</p> <p>Scottish Heroes for an Independent Tomorrow have claimed responsibility for the kidnapping and are demanding independence for Scotland as the price of his safe return.</p> <p>So far, Scotland Yard has refused to release any details regarding how the terrorists managed to capture Murray. However, rumours circulating online allege that he was forcibly bundled into a tartan van in the early hours of this morning, by three men wearing kilts.</p> <p>Likewise, police are keeping quiet about the location where Murray is being held, though they have revealed that they are conducting telephone negotiations with the terrorists.</p> <p>Sir Paul Stephenson told reporters: “Having spoken briefly with Mr Murray, I can confirm that despite the traumatic events of the past few hours, he is no more cantankerous than usual.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16679#post-45211 Wed, 24 Nov 2010 19:24:42 +0000 Milo Shame 45211@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stirlingshire police have posted an alert to ascertain the whereabouts of beloved and diminutive comedian Jimmy Krankie. Inspector Donal McConvert has reminded local media that during the last cold snap, Krankie was only saved because one of his Constables heard muffled screams of Fan-dabi-dozi from a sudden drift of Siberian snow. McCovert commented, 'As always, we are particularly concerned that Krankie still refuses to wear long trousers during the Winter months and that school-cap of his does little to stop 40% of his heat escaping through his head'. Emergency services have said that Robbie Coltrane’s armpit is on standby, in case Krankie is discovered to have fallen victim to the weather and needs to re-animated in a safe and steady manner.</p> <p>Forecasters had predicted that the cold-front is likely to work its way down the East Coast of England tomorrow. Surrey police have already ensured that Ronnie Corbett has been placed in a cardboard box, with strips of clean newspaper and sufficient breathing holes. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6950#post-18598 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:48:32 +0000 Mrblacker 18598@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The small print of the budget delivered by George Osborne has revealed new and creative ways the Government will raise taxes to pay off the national debt.</p> <p>The details are contained within the Treasury's Red Book, outlining the current financial position and revealing how Treasury forecasts of revenue will help pay down the almost 1 trillion pounds of debt.</p> <p>One of the more surprising revenue streams affects the media; from midnight, all uses of the word 'coalition' when describing the Conservative-Liberal Democrat Government will incur a 1% tax.</p> <p>Elsewhere, plans to generate revenue by selling replicas of the famous black door at Number 10 and a new flexible, weather-based tax are also detailed.</p> <p>In the latter, the rates of income tax, VAT and fuel duty will increase by half of one per cent on sunny days and decrease by the same amount when it's raining; it's expected taxpayers in Scotland will be exempt due to the lack of sunshine. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5333#post-14598 Sun, 30 May 2010 11:43:13 +0000 virtuallywill 14598@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>mare later.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=310#post-915 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 07:53:22 +0000 Ostsee 915@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=151#post-433 Wed, 24 Feb 2010 20:57:05 +0000 Mrblacker 433@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Emergency shelters in Scotland are said to be overflowing tonight, after a Met Office warning of heavy snow.</p> <p>Experts suggest while the quantity of snow expected is nothing out of the ordinary, the weight of the flakes themselves could cause problems across the country.</p> <p>"We're suggesting no-one goes outside while the snow falls." Chief Meterologist Dan Snape said. "The flakes are likely to be weighing in at a gram, which doesn't sound like a great deal, but if it's falling from several thousand feet will cause a massive terminal velocity which could harm a child. Indeed, it could harm anything much larger too."</p> <p>Structural engineers across Scotland and Northern England are on stand-by to help keep essential services and businesses like the Irn-Bru factory open and to offer advice to householders who are used to dealing with snow on their roof but unused to dealing with snow on their landings.</p> <p>Weather experts are suggesting the reason for the extreme weightiness of the snow is caused by pollution from deuterium oxide trapped in the atmosphere. </p>