http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=sarah-palin The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 21:16:23 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26280#post-71576 Thu, 09 Jun 2011 16:35:00 +0000 mbalton 71576@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sarah Palin announced today that she is disowning her daughter Bristol and replacing her with Lady Gaga. The move is seen as an indication that Palin is about to seriously pursue the Republican nomination for president.</p> <p>“America is undergoing great change, and what’s good for America is good for my family. So I’m making sure that it too undergoes great change,” Palin said. “I am switching out my talentless daughter, Bristol Palin, with a semi-talented professional performer, Lady Gaga.”</p> <p>As soon as the adoption papers are processed, Lady Gaga will become Gaga Palin and will be booked as the opening act of her new mother’s campaign roadshow. </p> <p>“I personally don’t care for Gaga as an entertainer,” Palin said. “But I like the way she reinvents herself over and over, again and again. She’s a regular Thomas Edison. Or is that Harry Houdini? I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”</p> <p>Palin went on to explain that she intends to reinvent herself countless times throughout the campaign and her presidency, if she decides to run. “When you reinvent yourself, you don’t have to remember historical facts, or geography, and you don’t have to do the math. You can live in the moment and say anything that comes into your head. That’s what I do best.”</p> <p>Asked how she feels to be the adopted daughter of a woman who could become the first female president of the United States, Gaga Palin said: “Whatever. Just as long as I don’t have to ride in that damn bus with that bitch.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25883#post-70418 Wed, 01 Jun 2011 11:19:02 +0000 pinxit 70418@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yup. *****</p> <p>( '...after he cut the wrong wire and his hair flew off' - comedy gold.) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25883#post-70411 Wed, 01 Jun 2011 10:48:02 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 70411@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good. 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25883#post-70406 Wed, 01 Jun 2011 10:38:59 +0000 Ludicity 70406@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The much-heralded Sarah Palin One Nation Bus Tour has been given an added level of excitement after it was revealed that there is a bomb on board that will detonate if she takes her foot off the pedal. </p> <p>It is unclear who planted the bomb although it may have been the work of a crazed Dennis Hopper fan, or a desperate attempt by Keanu Reeves to find work. </p> <p>The former vice-presidential candidate was first alerted to the danger when Fox News presenter Glenn Beck pulled up alongside the bus waving and screaming like a madman. ‘At first we thought it was just Glenn being Glenn,’ said Palin, ‘but it turns out he was trying to warn us.’</p> <p>Beck has so far done everything he can to help save Palin by clambering on and off her bus while wildly flapping his arms about. However, this was to no avail as a visibly panicked Palin performed a number of extreme manoeuvres, veering wildly to the right and totally out of control. </p> <p>Meanwhile, an attempt by Donald Trump to get under the bus and defuse the bomb had to be abandoned after he cut the wrong wire and his hair flew off. </p> <p>Despite the setback Palin has vowed to carry on with the tour. ‘The bomb will inevitably change the campaign,’ admitted a Palin aide, ‘but so far everyone seems delighted that she is speeding through their town without stopping. If anything it might help.’ </p> <p>The tour will travel the East coast of America, allowing Palin to visit a number of ‘patriotic’ sites, although for the sake of security she will only be allowed to do so at very high speed, shouting out of the window as she goes by. </p> <p>The bus will then accelerate along an unfinished highway before attempting to jump a massive credibility gap. Palin is then expected to finish the tour driving around in circles, hotly pursued by a convoy of reporters in a high-speed media merry-go-round.</p> <p>President Obama has already dispatched a SWAT team to help rescue Palin. 'Although we have our political differences I cannot stand by and allow Mrs Palin to be blown up,’ he said, ‘her running for President is my best hope of winning.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25766#post-70093 Mon, 30 May 2011 16:39:23 +0000 mbalton 70093@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Undeclared Republican presidential candidate Sarah Palin today asked Congress to replace Social Security, Medicare and other entitlements with a program that would provide a hardshell helmet for every man, woman and child in America.</p> <p>“It's time to replace the safety net with the safety hat,” Palin declared. "Tsunamis, oil spills, tornadoes, hurricanes, the liberal news media, nuclear accidents… The world is full of disasters. Why just yesterday, I had a meltdown. So people, cover up your noggins, and while you're at it cover your eyes and ears too.”</p> <p>The former Alaskan governor’s campaign has already developed a prototype of the helmet, which Palin has dubbed the Liberty Lid. “We designed it in black, so no one can call me a racist any more, and we’ve lined it with a thick layer of tin foil to keep those pesky UFO transmissions from entering our brains.”</p> <p>The Liberty Lid proposal is part of Sarah Palin’s Personal Protection Plan, which also calls for equipping every American with a sawed-off shotgun, a case of canned salmon and a gallon of buttermilk. “We believe Americans are capable of taking care of themselves,” Palin said. “All they need are the right supplies.”</p> <p>Initially, it was thought that the Palin plan would save trillions by eliminating all government entitlement and relief programs. Then it was announced that the Halliburton Corporation will be serving as sole supplier to the program. “Unfortunately, instead of reducing the deficit, this program will cause it to rise,” Palin said. “Personal freedom and protection comes at a high cost. And so does my presidential campaign. That is, if I was running for president.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24873#post-67519 Tue, 10 May 2011 01:33:34 +0000 charlieworth 67519@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>U.S. Presidential aspirant Sarah Palin offered a cautious welcome to the news that her daughter Bristol had signed a deal to appear in a 'reveal-all' American 'reality' show. Speaking at a press conference wiith assembled British journalists, she thanked them for their advice on the use of the apostrophe, but "still failed to see what was so humorous about her written statement." She later reacted angrily when it was suggested that the only flare she appeared to have....resided in her nostrils. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21525#post-58137 Sun, 20 Feb 2011 16:38:57 +0000 Grover 58137@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following from his recent rebuke of Sarah Palin for declining to attend the Conservative Unionist and Nationalist Triannual Symposium (CUNTS), former senator Rick Santorum has publicly criticised the former Alaskan governor and Republican Party sideshow for not having read the seminal right-wing novel <em>Atlas Shrugged</em> by fascist emigre hack writer Ayn Rand. </p> <p>"This cumbersome work of thinly disguised extreme right-wing philosophy is practically a textbook for the Tea Party Movement", said the Mr Santorum. "In fact, our entire 2012 strategy is basically adapted from the novel's so-called 'plot'."</p> <p>Other high-ranking US conservatives have also voiced their disapproval of Ms Palin's recent behaviour and obvious lack of qualifications, citing her reality TV programme, her botched attempt to spin the Arizona shooting, and her inability to locate her home state on a map. </p> <p>However, it is her unfamiliarity with seminal conservative literature that frightens party members most of all. </p> <p>"How can we be believe Sarah Palin will stand up for our ideals, when she cannot even demonstrate she knows what they are?" asks conservative talk-show host and Grand Dragon of the KKK Rush Limbaugh. </p> <p>Other books important to the Republican Party Ms Palin has allegedly not read include <em>The Wealth of Nations</em>, <em>Going Rogue</em>, the <em>Necronomicon</em>, and the Republican Party Manifesto. </p> <p>Ms Palin defended herself by claiming her busy schedule and the duties of family life don't allow her as much time to curl up with a racist and poorly written book as she would like. Speaking through a spokesman, however, Ms Palin promised to look into these and other right-wing works of 'literature' as soon as she learns how to read. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56294 Fri, 04 Feb 2011 10:09:26 +0000 Des Custard 56294@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>So do I. Myself, that is, not you. Our time will come. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56287 Fri, 04 Feb 2011 09:20:48 +0000 Oxbridge 56287@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It comes to something when you start wanting Mubarak to cling to power just another day so that this stays topical...I hate myself. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56101 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 16:22:34 +0000 rikkor 56101@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I would rather have electrodes on my naughty bits that sit through a performance by one of our (legion) Mark Twain imitators. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56098 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 16:16:59 +0000 Oxbridge 56098@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was going on 30 year old memories of enduring Huckleberry Finn at school - but then thinking about it, they wouldn't really be on a raft on the Mississippi in Tennessee. Even Sarah Palin might know that. </p> <p>Then again... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56096 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:47:29 +0000 rikkor 56096@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I just added some tags, and have to compliment myself for "crook and flail". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56091 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:27:47 +0000 rikkor 56091@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cinq. Maybe there is one in Tennessee, but the Cairo in Illinois is pronounced kay-ro.</p> <p>Life imitating art: some western state (can't remember which one) is proposing a law that all adults be required to own a gun. It's half-serious, and a critique of Obama's health care law. That is, if we can force people to buy health care, why can't we force them to buy a gun? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56080 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 14:30:07 +0000 saltire 56080@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not YOU as well Desmond ? ok then.I'll fuck off...for a drink somewhere.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56076 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 14:21:14 +0000 Des Custard 56076@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers saltire. This is officially a joint effort. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56075 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 14:19:32 +0000 saltire 56075@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@ Oxy ; ok </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56068 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 13:50:31 +0000 4ty2 56068@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>now who would she burn for that? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56051 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 12:08:11 +0000 Des Custard 56051@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, fuck right off. Not you Oxo. Nice work. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20792#post-56049 Wed, 02 Feb 2011 12:05:42 +0000 Oxbridge 56049@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sarah Palin has pledged the support of the Republicans for the millions of protesters demanding the removal of President Mubarak Obama. Obama, who has held power for nearly three years or 30 according to some commentators, is now coming under pressure from ordinary people outraged at his attempts to force them to have health insurance and not use AK-47s in school.</p> <p>'I am mighty pleased to hear of the unrest and rioting against this elected dictator in the East,' stated Palin in a YouTube broadcast that has been replayed around the clock on Fox News. 'I hope that decent ordinary folks will now go the extra mile to remove him from power and bring in a new government appointed by God.'</p> <p>Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell added that the party as a whole was behind Palin and was excited by the emergence of people power on the streets of Cairo, Illinois. However, he cautioned ordinary anti-Obama protesters against the excessive use of democracy in their fight for freedom. </p> <p>'Democracy is as American as soccer moms and is always appropriate as a weapon against neo-Communist rule by Muslims,' McConnell said, 'but careless use can unsettle stable dictatorships and upset established trading patterns. Like a semi-automatic assault rifle, it can be your best friend but can potentially be harmful.’</p> <p>President Obama himself has claimed that there has been confusion over his name, but Republicans denounced this as a typical educated liberal attempt to pull the wool over the eyes of ordinary people. When pressed, he said he would stand down but not until the next election in 2012, although he would be looking for a second term. </p> <p>Admitting that she had to look up Cairo on a map before locating it in Tennessee, Palin added: 'In the TV pictures from the streets of Cairo, it barely looks any richer than Detroit, which itself is a shocking indictment of 30 years of misrule by Mubarak Obama and the Democrats. There's clearly a heck of a lot of Mexicans there too.'</p> <p>[My attempt to update Des's earlier one. He gave his permission, so the trolls can fuck right off] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16115#post-43664 Thu, 18 Nov 2010 14:01:44 +0000 De-scribe 43664@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Would. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16115#post-43646 Thu, 18 Nov 2010 12:13:20 +0000 Griffin 43646@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good child-bearing hips. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16115#post-43641 Thu, 18 Nov 2010 11:16:23 +0000 Ostsee 43641@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Beat me to this idea, well done and a good sub. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16115#post-43619 Thu, 18 Nov 2010 09:53:04 +0000 Grover 43619@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Reality TV star, former Alaskan Governor, and internationally regarded nutcase Sarah Palin has announced that she could beat Barrack Obama in a mud wrestling contest. </p> <p>"I'm engaged in the internal deliberations candidly, and having that discussion with my family," she said, “And, yeah, I think I could take him”. </p> <p>Ms Palin, who remains unaware that Africa is a continent, rather than a country, said she had been training for the proposed mud wrestling match by sparring with Alaskan timber wolves. </p> <p>“I repeatedly succeeded in conspicuously vanquishing them, as per internationally reconnaissanced stipulations. However the accusation that the wolves were already dead is an accusative I flatly refudiate.”</p> <p><img src="http://cdn.allleftturns.com/www/sites/default/files/articles/palin_bikini.jpg"><br /> <font size="-1.5">This is not the next President of the United States</font> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15925#post-43304 Tue, 16 Nov 2010 15:47:15 +0000 Griffin 43304@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Everybody knows you eat a deep fried Mars bar with your right hand, so what was the problem? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15925#post-43277 Tue, 16 Nov 2010 13:03:00 +0000 Grover 43277@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An elderly Glasgwegian man has been injected with the spawn of Satan at Southern General Hospital. The patient, who has not been named but probably now calls himself Damien or Beelzebub or something, suffered a stroke 18 months ago, and has been unable to walk or use the left side of his body ever since. </p> <p>Professor Keith Muir, a neuroscientist and servant of Hell, injected the poor man with stem cells, which come from dead babies ripped from their mothers’ wombs in an unholy frenzy of sin and human degradation. </p> <p>Eleven minutes and six seconds later, the patient reportedly stood up, sang the entire score of <em>HMS Pinafore</em>, and danced merrily out of the hospital, leaping up to click his heels as he went through the automatic door. </p> <p>“He’s doing well,” said Professor Muir, referring to the patient’s performance, which was obviously the result of his body being possessed by the Beast with Seven Horns. "We hope that in the future it will lead to larger studies to determine the effectiveness of stem cells on the disabilities that result from strokes”. </p> <p>Meanwhile, religious authorities worldwide, including Sarah Palin, Pope Benedict XVI, and the creepy old lady who lives in the flat opposite you, have confirmed that Satan now walks incarnate upon the earth, and Apocalypse is near. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14255#post-38547 Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:29:10 +0000 dogwheels 38547@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Evil demon-lord Sauron has failed in his bid to lead the American political movement known as the Tea Party after activists branded his agenda too liberal.</p> <p>He has even been dubbed 'Red Sauron', with party members apparently rejecting his promise to unite the entire earth under his tyrannical and murderous rule as being too much of a "soft approach" to solving the deficit and defeating terrorism.</p> <p>A party insider said: "Lord Suaron knew he needed Sarah Palin's support to win the leadership, otherwise he'd only ever be a small fish in the party."</p> <p>Sauron made an eleventh-hour attempt to win Palin's support late last night in a meeting held behind closed doors.</p> <p>But he emerged only minutes later in tears, stopping to tell reporters that Palin was "one mean b**ch."</p> <p>A source close to the Dark Lord has been quoted as saying that he has decided to retire from front-line politics, claiming he didn't have enough evil in his little finger to compete. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3203#post-9320 Mon, 26 Apr 2010 06:10:59 +0000 rfreed 9320@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thompson! You're right! They've got me cornered in my apartment! You might be the only one who knows my fate! Let the world know what happened! Please!!<br /> Ghaaaaack......!!!!!!! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3203#post-9260 Sun, 25 Apr 2010 17:03:21 +0000 Ostsee 9260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Palinomics: the way to permanent, irreversible deflation. Vatican approved. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3203#post-9202 Sun, 25 Apr 2010 07:51:48 +0000 Hunter F. Thompson 9202@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Apostrophe People will be shooting your headline if you don't fix the false possessive. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3203#post-9201 Sun, 25 Apr 2010 07:10:21 +0000 rfreed 9201@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sarah Palin, potential candidate for the Presidency in 2012, has put in a complaint with the Alaskan State Troopers complaining of Russians peeping in her windows at night. As she once claimed that she “could see Russia from her window”; apparently they can see her as well. Perhaps more of her than she would care for. </p> <p>“Ah, this here's 'Peeping Ivan's' lookin' in mah windows at night!” stated the former Governor of Alaska in an interview at WASP News Radio in Wasilla, Alaska. “Golly, I don't know what they're up to! Are they tryin' to get some vital National Security secrets from me or just tryin' to see if its only the grizzlies that have brown fur? Either way, it gives me the creeps. I lit out after them a couple of times and torched their butts with some rock salt from mah double barrel. Todd set out a couple of bear traps and, sure enough, the next day there was one of them funny Ruskie fur hats in one and part of some really cheap leather boots in another. I'm not so worried about them seein' me nekkid; I mean I see those lard butt women they got in their country and I can sympathize that they want to see some truly luscious voluptuous American flesh, but what if they start peeping in on Bristol? Last thing I need is for her to start poppin' out some Russian half-breeds on me. And the second to last thing I need is to find nudie shots of me in various states of showering in some Soviet porn site. No, thanky you!"</p> <p>The US. Secret Service has been sent out from Washington to watch vigil over the possible future presidents house. Unfortunately, some of them have been getting cheap thrills by taking peeks themselves. </p> <p>“What do you expect?” stated one agent who refused to identify himself for fear of losing his job. “We're sent up here thousands of miles away from our wives and loved ones to a place where we have to stand around all day in minus 30 degree weather looking buff and observant. Of course we're going to peek in at the only good looking woman around for 30 miles! Damn right we are!” He then pulled his gun and shot our reporter. </p>