http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=queen The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 07:48:25 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61400#post-178571 Fri, 17 May 2013 16:55:15 +0000 mileslloyd 178571@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Buckingham Palace has announced: Next week is to come two days early.</p> <p>The unexpected move has caused outrage amongst the public. Without the coming weekend millions of Britons who work long, hard hours throughout the week are set to lose two nights of getting shit-faced, not to mention a full Sunday to come-down, smoke weed, and watch Superbad on repeat from their beds.</p> <p>We were lucky enough to hold a small press-conference with a spokeswoman for the Palace. The representative for the Crown had this to say;</p> <p>“We are fully aware of the annoyance this move has caused, but the Queen has a toga party/BBQ to go to on Thursday and she is very excited because Justin Beiber will be there and she has all of his tapes. Originally, she wanted to scrap the entire week. We managed to talk her out of this and finally came to the compromise of of moving Monday forward to Saturday.”</p> <p>This is the most radical decision made by the monarchy since, “The Great Tuesday Shun of 1836″- when King William IV got bit off of a cat and went a bit mad from the rabies. He then demanded that, as a nation united, we completely abolish Tuesdays.</p> <p>The loss of the weekend is set to save the government millions of pounds on what otherwise would be spent on injured drunkards – Though this can be heavily debated as it is common knowledge they give the NHS fuck all. A large chunk of the money saved is rumored to be spent on Jerk Chicken, potato salad, and a nice bottle of rose wine for the Queen to take as not to appear cheap or whorish.</p> <p>More on this next Friday. Or Wednesday? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60742#post-176306 Thu, 02 May 2013 10:57:43 +0000 johnnydobbo 176306@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Department for Work and Pensions today issued guidelines considered by opponents to be the second wave of an attack on universality of benefits for people of pensionable age.</p> <p>"We think it is morally wrong", a statement from the department and signed by several members of the Cabinet said, "that there are people in this country who have lived on state handouts for their whole lives, now draw exceptionally large pensions and claim benefits they simply don't need". It went on to describe one claimant in central London who "has had 133 portraits painted at the taxpayers expense".</p> <p>"It is morally wrong", the Prime Minister later said in a typically soft interview on the ITV Daybreak sofa, "that hard-working families across the country fund lavish lifestyles. There's no reason for anyone to have 133 portraits of themselves. We've worked hard to ringfence benefits for the senior citizens of this country, but we can't rule out capping taxpayer-funded portraits to three or four in the future". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58198#post-168768 Tue, 19 Mar 2013 03:25:49 +0000 Gary Gonads 168768@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58192#post-168744 Tue, 19 Mar 2013 00:32:26 +0000 Seanj87 168744@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Kate Middleton's baby will have various superhuman abilities, it was today announced by her team of doctors.</p> <p>The news came as a shock to Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge, when they were told that their child would 'be better' than other humans. Doctors have run various tests and have confirmed that the baby will be able to levitate off the ground, and shoot laser beams from its eyes, similar to the character of 'Cyclops' in the comic book 'X-Men'. </p> <p>The royal couple issued a statement saying they 'are just glad their baby is healthy'but joked that they may have to move the expensive furniture out of the house after it is born. Kate went on to say that she would have preferred their firstborn to have the power to control the weather; 'wouldn't that be amazing? But the ability to shoot laser beams from its eyes is still great, and the flying thing, William and I are very excited by that'. After the announcement Prince William tweeted 'just found out baby has superpowers, could take over the world? No only joking, or am I?'</p> <p>The superhuman gene is thought to have been passed down from William's grandmother, the Queen. Queen Elizabeth recently revealed that she has the ability to shape shift into a corgi. She said that she enjoys morphing into a dog and going for a walk around London, 'whenever one feels like getting away from everyone, and out of the limelight.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57988#post-168190 Fri, 15 Mar 2013 09:26:42 +0000 Squudge 168190@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ooo...goody! Another place to put STUFF.<br /> &lt;bookmarks&gt; </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57988#post-168188 Fri, 15 Mar 2013 09:15:19 +0000 pinxit 168188@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>She's still cancelling her gigs though.</p> <p>Like her, the story could run and run.</p> <p>This 'cartoon' was meant for Left Alert.</p> <p>Cheers S. =} </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57988#post-168177 Fri, 15 Mar 2013 08:22:15 +0000 Sinnick 168177@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good job with the graphics, but the story's a little late. Would have worked nicely with Mrs Cambridge, too. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57988#post-168099 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 18:22:05 +0000 pinxit 168099@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/qvom_cs_ani_zpsc50be0a4.gif"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57423#post-166429 Wed, 06 Mar 2013 12:30:58 +0000 Gary Stanton 166429@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Helen Mirren’s lower bowel is to deliver another faultless performance in which she portrays Elizabeth II living with a crippling bowel condition, it has emerged. The play entitled <em>I’d Give It Ten Minutes If I Were You</em> imagines a series of important meetings between the Queen and her private toilet cubicle, while she was suffering from ‘the shits’ at London’s Edward VII hospital.</p> <p>‘At first I had doubts about allowing my innards to play the Queen’s alimentary canal because as an actor you always want to go forward. This represented a backwards movement,’ said Dame Helen. ‘The ultimate challenge is that your bowels can never ever be as good as the originals.’ </p> <p>Throughout the play, originally titled <em>As You Wipe It</em>, Mirren is thrown into repeated conflict with an embittered toilet cleaner played by Anna Friel. ‘I felt typecast by the whole Brookside lesbian-kiss thing, although I secretly enjoyed it at the time – obviously,’ said Friel. ‘One way to break out of that mould was to put on the Marigolds, reach for the Toilet Duck and spend hours in the theatre bogs scraping shit off the inside of the enamel.‘</p> <p>‘As an actor, cubicle number three represented a particularly tough challenge. At one point we had to send out for three gallons of Mr Muscle because nothing would shift it –but it stood me in good stead for what Dame Helen’s arse had to throw at me,’ she added.</p> <p>Last night theatre critic Will Gompertz was quick to heap praise on Mirren’s jacksie. ‘I’ve grown up admiring Helen’s anus from afar and have watched its talent grow and grow,’ he said. ‘It’s one of the most versatile in the business, but this really stretches her as an actress. She really explodes into life in what is an incredibly gutsy performance. ’ </p> <p>Mirren concluded</p> <p>‘In the future I would love to play Catherine the Great’s arse - that's an extraordinary colorectal passage. At the end of the day, it’s all about bums on seats"</p> <p><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-21669868" rel="nofollow">http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-21669868</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57316#post-166126 Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:36:11 +0000 Gary Stanton 166126@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Her Majesty the Queen has marked the 32nd anniversary of the beginning of the IRA hunger strikes with her own tribute dirty protest, according to reports. In a hitherto unheard of breach with royal toilet etiquette, the monarch took advantage of a bout of gastroenteritis to plaster the walls of her private toilet with a large quantity of liquid excrement in defiance of British rule by herself. </p> <p>Cleaning staff at London’s exclusive Edward VII hospital were said to be dismayed after walking into the private cubicle to find Elizabeth II had daubed the letters “HRH” over six feet tall in regal brown. A further message reading “1st March 1981 – we remember”, also in shit, was found scrawled across the cistern. </p> <p>The smearing is seen as a hugely significant step in the peace process with those on both sides of the divide acknowledging it as such. Sinn Fein’s Martin McGuiness said</p> <p>‘Something similar happened when she stayed at Stormont. It took myself, Gerry Adams and Sir Ian Paisley working together in a spirit of peace and reconciliation over five hours to remove Her Majesty’s faeces from a bedroom wall using elbow grease and three litres of Mr Muscle. So it did.’</p> <p>Although the Queen was seen throughout her reign as a legitimate target by the IRA, she is known to have developed republican sympathies after watching In The Name Of The Father starring Pete Posthlewaite on Blu Ray. Her Majesty has also been refusing food in protest against the wrongful imprisonment of the Guildford Four and media intrusion into her bowel movements, instigated by Nicholas Witchell.</p> <p>Fellow patient Sophie de Beauvoir,73, said</p> <p>‘Charles and William brought her some grapes yesterday evening but she just tossed them to one side and muttered something in Gaelic’. The Queen, meanwhile, is said to be responding well to treatment for her illness and was seen emerging from her toilet this morning with a wicked grin.</p> <p>‘One would give it ten minutes if one were you,’ she beamed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53791#post-155239 Tue, 25 Dec 2012 13:26:29 +0000 virtuallywill 155239@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://cdn1.sbnation.com/entry_photo_images/7320503/queen-3d_large_verge_medium_landscape.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53450#post-154390 Wed, 19 Dec 2012 09:21:25 +0000 pinxit 154390@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>^^^^^ I'll have what he's having ^^^^^ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53450#post-154268 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 18:22:12 +0000 Bourbon 154268@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My great great great great great great great great great great great great great great Grandad Bourbon was eaten by Hitler. It's cos he was a vegetarian so he had a lot of biscuits. Anyway, he dipped him in Earl Grey. Earl Grey is not for biscuit dunking. That Hitler was an evil biscuit eater therefore I enforce upon you my right to be offended </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53450#post-154266 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 18:15:06 +0000 Nunnion Splendacular 154266@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Too soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53450#post-154257 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 17:39:59 +0000 medici2471 154257@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Queen regrets accepting invite to family reunion... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53450#post-154255 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 17:32:02 +0000 malgor 154255@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>DC: 'Well fuck off then.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53450#post-154245 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 16:58:42 +0000 pinxit 154245@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/queen_cabinet.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52733#post-151832 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:26:48 +0000 HenryMJUK 151832@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>New Royal Baby to be named ‘Your Highness’ – a Palace Spokesperson explained – “The choice of name for the new Royal Baby is vitally important, both Wills and Kate recognize how things have changed since the Victorian era. Traditional names are very difficult to justify, now we are in the 21st century. Furthermore, it is well known, neither Wills nor Kate are enthusiastic about the adoption of place names (representing the conceiving location), although Princess Môn does have a certain je ne sai quoi! – Secretly, the likelihood of Môn being corrupted and the colloquial use of ’Man’ being adopted (with greetings such as ‘Hey Man’ or ‘Yo Man’ becoming commonplace), scares the living daylights out of the Queen. </p> <p>So, in a complete break with tradition, yet as an acknowledgement of tradition, and in adopting the modern parlance of using ones first name only (as if that individual was born completely out of parent hood), the Royal couple have settled on the name of “Your Highness” for the new Royal Baby". </p> <p>Tracey, the peoples spokesperson from Thorpe Bay, read a prepared statement ….. “it’s awesome man, such a kool name, ones immediately on first name terms with the new royal, yet it is RESPECT, wikk’eeed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48125#post-138405 Sat, 15 Sep 2012 13:37:43 +0000 JulieJubilee 138405@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>the Official unOfficial Queen Diamond Jubilee London 2012 Olympics Anthem<br /> FREE DOWNLOAD ... </strong><a href="http://unofficialdiamondjubileesong.wordpress.com">http://unofficialdiamondjubileesong.wordpress.com</a><br /> or <a href="http://juliejubileefreedom.wix.com/cliffs-of-dover">http://juliejubileefreedom.wix.com/cliffs-of-dover</a></p> <p>SEDATIVA is creating a new musical style coined " East meets West ".<br /> The music provokes awareness to the issues surrounding the Middle East.<br /> Whilst England celebrates the war under the guise of the Jubilee and the Olympics,<br /> SEDATIVA has released an anthem, entitled : CLIFFS OF DOVER<br /> ... as a special dedication to these events.</p> <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7TmJYp4Mew&amp;list=PL6D865A1913DDF302&amp;feature=plcp" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7TmJYp4Mew&amp;list=PL6D865A1913DDF302&amp;feature=plcp</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-138034 Thu, 13 Sep 2012 12:50:52 +0000 Midfield Diamond 138034@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, great sub, congrats on the FP. Made even better for me by the fact that I've got friends in Crowthorne who cannot say the county they live in without adding the 'Royal' prefix. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-138025 Thu, 13 Sep 2012 09:44:33 +0000 gregle 138025@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great article and setting the bar high for your first sub! Nice one. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-138024 Thu, 13 Sep 2012 09:34:14 +0000 DustyBinLaden 138024@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Found it: <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=flounce" rel="nofollow">http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=flounce</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-138014 Thu, 13 Sep 2012 07:16:53 +0000 DustyBinLaden 138014@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What's a flounce? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-138013 Thu, 13 Sep 2012 07:16:27 +0000 waylandsmithy 138013@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I can't condone that.</p> <p>Great FP, nicely done! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-138011 Thu, 13 Sep 2012 07:01:59 +0000 DustyBinLaden 138011@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Blimey. I'm a bit chuffed. Thanks everyone. What a lovely bunch of people. I'm off to the pub for an early morning sharpener. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-138009 Thu, 13 Sep 2012 06:57:51 +0000 Sinnick 138009@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fine FP, esp for a first attempt.</p> <p>btw, ignore all the nonsense that goes on here - we're just a big happy family really. Well, not a family as such. And most of us can be grumpy from time to time. But at least we're consistent. Some of the time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-138001 Thu, 13 Sep 2012 05:51:22 +0000 Gerontius 138001@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>chortled at the headline alone - then it got better and better.<br /> Yes, it's not going to be easy for Dusty to justify a flounce now.<br /> I think he may need a new cup hook soon </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-137976 Wed, 12 Sep 2012 23:22:31 +0000 Ironduke 137976@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Heroic effort! Top ten, FP...why not just cut straight to flounce now? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-137975 Wed, 12 Sep 2012 23:04:28 +0000 dvo4fun 137975@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And it's straight in as FP. Cracking job Dusty </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47990#post-137965 Wed, 12 Sep 2012 21:14:24 +0000 sigmund 137965@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, very good. I suppose the Harrods car park would be out of the question... </p>