http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=pregnancy The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 04:13:39 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21683#post-58636 Wed, 23 Feb 2011 17:29:40 +0000 cuckoowatoo 58636@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In an attempt to prove that she is not too ‘posh to push’ Victoria Beckham has today announced her intention to appear on the Channel 4 hit show 'One Born Every Minute'.</p> <p>Baby number four is due this summer and the Beckhams are said to be excited about their appearance on the programme. </p> <p>Staff at the Princess Anne Hospital are delighted that the Beckhams have chosen to have their baby there and are confident she will receive the same level of care as in a Private hospital. Ros, a coordinator Midwife at the hospital, has exclusively revealed that they will be pulling out all the stops to accommodate the couple. Plans include the sourcing of 'Tesco’s Finest' bread along with some fancy teabags for Victoria’s post labour toast and tea. </p> <p>Victoria is planning a silent birth in an attempt to impress her friends Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, however staff at the hospital envisage she will be hysterical and demanding a general anaesthetic soon after the first contraction.</p> <p>David is expected to appear alongside his wife supporting her. The show's Producer, Daniel Soiseth, says that male birthing partners usually have a sneaky “quick go” on the gas and air, this has the effect of making them somewhat incoherent and unable to string a sentence together – he predicts that in David’s case the Midwifes won’t suspect a thing.</p> <p>The couple have confirmed that their little girl will be named South’ampton after the seaside town she will be born in.</p> <p>The episode will be aired this autumn. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13627#post-37162 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 19:07:29 +0000 Gary Stanton 37162@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks chaps. Sorry I couldn't reply earlier. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13627#post-37022 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 10:44:21 +0000 therustler 37022@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mums thankful for Australian screwcap initiative... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13627#post-37017 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 10:41:45 +0000 be reasonable 37017@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>But mums are not happy about them having cork-screws in there. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13627#post-36983 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 09:36:04 +0000 Gary Stanton 36983@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Doctors confirmed yesterday what expectant mothers knew all along, that the odd bottle of wine here and there won’t do the little fella any harm . </p> <p>A study measuring the effects of alcohol on unborn children entitled “Drink ‘Til You Drop”’ led by University College London, revealed that light to moderate drinking has little detrimental effect on the baby’s brain which experts say at that point is probably about the size of an acorn. And as pregnant mothers were quick to point out – it all depends on what you mean by light to moderate drinking. </p> <p>Indeed, by as little as twelve weeks into the pregnancy, research suggests that the alcohol recognition skills of the average British foetus far outstrip those of its counterparts on the continent, with homegrown embryos already in a position to suss whether they are being given cheap shit own brand ‘Chardonnay’ from Asda. </p> <p>The findings are based on an experiment in which foetuses were separated into groups and plied with alcohol of varying quality and strength via their mothers with the results sampled many years later when they had grown into fully fledged adults. </p> <p>Group A were given a nice Sauvignon which had not been purchased at a some ghastly supermarket, rather at a local independent wine retailer who had time on his hands to give the customer useful well-informed advice about shit like acidity and soil.</p> <p>Group B drank a Blossom Hill Chardonnay costing £3-99, complete with a tacky picture of a vineyard on the label and the instruction ‘Serve with Fish’ which wasn’t even in French. Group C was a “control” where the unfortunate embryos had to go a full nine months without a drink. </p> <p>Scientists then sat back and watched the initial effects of the experiment using ultrasound. The results were staggering. Those in Group A ceased to engage in routine foetus activity and appeared relaxed and “contemplative”. One even seemed to give a thumbs up to the monitor although it may have been an attempt to suck it. Foetuses in B looked edgy and frequently indulged in mock fighting with an invisible assailant, often pausing only to vomit into the amniotic sac, while those in Group C just looked bored. </p> <p>Observation taken many years later suggest these behaviours have become hardwired. Group A adults were given to throwing dinner parties where they would invite ‘friends’, and these rarely included the kind of people that comprised Group B. Meanwhile, the children of teetotalers invariably found themselves ill-equipped to deal with the challenging situations often thrown up by alcohol such as initiating a dispute in a taxi-rank and being prepared to back yourself up with the threat of physical violence, if necessary.</p> <p>Professor Stanley Langthorne, who headed the study, said that while the results gave an apparent green light to pregnant mums seeking the tiniest excuse to get totally shit-faced, he would advise restraint especially with regard to the trend towards alcopops .</p> <p>‘While drinks such as Bacardi Breezer and WKD offer a quick and effective way for young mothers-to-be to get absolutely monged of a Friday night, they are crammed with harmful additives and colouring, ‘ he cautioned, adding:</p> <p>‘As a foetus, they are possibly the worst things you can drink’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8195 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 20:16:08 +0000 Genghis Cohen 8195@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bless you all. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8137 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 08:49:53 +0000 MrChigleysAunt 8137@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant, and heartfelt, in a very real sense. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8135 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 08:39:58 +0000 edward hack 8135@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'distracting starving children with a rainbow'...genius<br /> sums religion up perfectly for me - far more savage than a thousand blows with a machette (well, maybe not quite but still quite nasty - say, chinese burn territory) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8118 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:13:02 +0000 sauce 8118@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hallelujah! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8107 Sat, 17 Apr 2010 22:29:05 +0000 The All New Jeni B 8107@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fucking brilliant!!!<br /> You have accurately described a former friend of ours, who turned religious after his wife left him due to his chronic alcoholism.<br /> Now dry as a bone, he stands on street corners in the city centre of a Saturday urging sinners to repent as he has done.<br /> His level of smugness is matched only by his ability to bore.</p> <p>Seriously, brilliant piece. 5 stars from me. Which reminds me of the the story of the loaves and fishes... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2763#post-8106 Sat, 17 Apr 2010 22:11:30 +0000 Genghis Cohen 8106@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Doctors warned today that those embracing religion in adult life are often not receiving the vital medical attention they need to avoid potentially dangerous complications during labour. As a result, the lives of born-again Christians are routinely being blighted by incurable conditions such as smugness, chronic evangelism and an inability to conduct a conversation without mentioning the name ‘Jesus’.</p> <p>‘Sometimes when people find God, they happen across Him when He’s in the middle of something pressing like smiting a sinner or distracting starving children with a rainbow,’ said Dr Forstadt, author of a new study in <em>The Lancet</em>. ‘Just occasionally this means that those being re-made in His image miss out on important finishing touches like tolerance, a sense of one’s own worth or separate eyebrows. The only known treatment is to keep them segregated from the rest of society and give them remedial treatment each Sunday.’</p> <p>The study examines the gestation of born-again Christians, noting that many report experiences similar to that of pregnant women. ‘I suffered awful cravings as I prepared for my re-birth,’ said 35-year-old Rebekah Wade. ‘They lasted 17 years and I put on eight-and-a-half stone. In the end I couldn’t make it out the front door so I opted for a home birth.’</p> <p>Doctors also record countless instances of painful and protracted labours, with many of the redeemed only emerging into the light after decades spent in local government or accountancy firms. But the study does give hope to future converts by suggesting they can ‘help nature along’ by cultivating a history of failure with the opposite sex, something many are only too well placed to do, even if they just fall short of the criteria for becoming a born-again virgin.</p> <p>Born-again Christians, though, have reacted angrily to the study’s findings. ‘These doctors don’t realise what a profound effect their ill-informed words can have on society,’ said one. ‘And in many ways, that reminds me of Jesus.’ </p>