http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=porn The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 16:31:30 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44561#post-127624 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 16:16:10 +0000 Njinski 127624@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>[b]Blue Joe to follow Buffon’s Porn Regime</p> <p>Following Sunday’s inevitable penalty shoot out loss to the Azzurri, England’s ‘non-stopper’, Joe Hart, has decided to ditch the high tech approach to identifying where opponents are likely to stick their penalties and take a leaf out of Italian legend, Gianluigi Buffon’s ‘well soiled’ book.</p> <p>Having confessed to spending endless nights researching each Italian player’s penalty techniques, this ended up being about as beneficial to the cause as John Terry’s late application to join the Friends of Cobham Afro Caribbean Club.</p> <p>Whilst Hart and his England suitors were locked away in their bedrooms frantically banging away on their search engines looking for evidence of Italian penalties, the old maestro, Buffon, was locked in his own bedroom simply ‘banging away’.</p> <p>Buffon’s own - non repentant - admission that he had been spending his free time watching ‘naughty’ movies and the general acceptance that he had been indulging in the act of mild self harming to his unelected member, has left Hart questioning his tactics.</p> <p>Whilst Buffon saved one of the spot kicks, Ashley Cole’s inopportune attempt to score with quite possibly the softest shot in soccer, Hart – with his newly found intelligence – failed to even get a hand to, let alone save, any of the Italian artillery. </p> <p>Speaking after the game Hart said; ‘I am absolutely gutted. There is some top quality, unsolicited porn, on Polish telly and I have missed a golden opportunity to rinse the boy dry in the three weeks that I have been here. Granted I have knocked a sly one out over Pirlo but I feel as though I have been cheated. Going out there onto the pitch for a Euro Quarter Final laden with full sacks was a bad idea and I will remember this for the future. All I can do is learn from this and I intend to go home now and practise non stop to make sure I am ready for the next penalty I have to face.’</p> <p>For his part, Italian stallion Buffon said; ‘It all comes with experience. Granted the chambermaid has been working overtime peeling off my sheets every morning but it was worth it. One of my tricks is to keep my gloves on when I throttle the bambino’s arm in order that I can capture the fresh ectoplasm which subsequently increases the adhesiveness achieved. However perhaps the biggest benefit of watching wall to wall Polska Grot was that when Ashley Young stepped forward I was so used to seeing a c*nt coming towards me that I was completely unperturbed and I believe that this, conversely, messed with Young’s mind’.</p> <p>So with the 3 Lions departing Poland untriumphant and returning to the green, green grass of home, Hart is adamant that this is the last time in a long time that the phrase ‘returned empty handed’ can be used against the keeper. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37648#post-106278 Thu, 19 Jan 2012 09:10:54 +0000 button 106278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Didn't see this the first time. Great FP. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37648#post-106187 Wed, 18 Jan 2012 15:37:49 +0000 Al McHogan 106187@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I remember "Oui" or (as we used to call it) "Frog's Porn". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37648#post-106164 Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:23:22 +0000 Oxbridge 106164@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The organisers of the online encyclopedia Wikipedia have warned web surfers that proposed legislation in the US may take us ‘back to the dark ages’ when it was necessary to pay to see womens’ breasts. Wikipedia is blacked out for 24 hours today in protest against the SOPA and PIPA laws currently being debated in the US Congress.</p> <p>‘These laws won't be effective in their stated goal of stopping copyright infringement and they will cause serious damage to the free and open Internet,’ said Wikipedia founder Jimmie Wales. ‘Or to cut to the chase, they could mean that the only way to watch a Thai amputee fellating a dwarf is to fly to sit in a cabin smelling of used condom in the Red Light district of Amsterdam and hope none of the junkies nick your wallet first.’</p> <p>PIPA and SOPA – which, contrary to articles posted on Wikipedia yesterday, have nothing to do with the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister's bottom or women with implants lathering themselves in a shower - aim to stop copyright infringement committed by websites out of US jurisdiction. According to Wales, however, they may actually infringe on freedom of expression while harming the Internet.</p> <p>‘Do you realise what 'putting the burden on website owners to police user-contributed material' means? It means that if you want to make a mint out of selling a clip of two Brazilian women eating each other’s poo out of a cup you will have to watch it yourself first,’ warned Wales. ‘Do you want that? Because I don’t. Seriously, no, I don't.’</p> <p>Added Wales: ‘Those who have grown up with an open, secure, and free Internet will no doubt take it for granted. But let me tell you, if you’d been a teenager in the 1970s and had never seen pubic hair except in a crumpled-up copy of Oui you found discarded in a hedge by your school or had to sneak down to your parents’ living room in the middle of a night and sit through two hours of cod-philosophising in a French art house film before finally getting a two-second glimpse of a fandango, you’d be as angry as I am right now … What? Oh, shut UP.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30242#post-84944 Sat, 10 Sep 2011 07:53:46 +0000 Steve Wilson 84944@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A warehouse in Swindon storing over thirty billion of the new XXX domain names has been destroy by fire completely wiping out it entire stock as well the discrete packaging they were to be sent out in.</p> <p>The local fire service reported a fault with the freezer system used to keep the normally hot names cool before shipping. </p> <p>'These type of domain names are very volatile' explained Fire Chief Martin Guy; 'they are carefully designed to ignite the senses at a single glance and if the cooling system fails the whole lot goes up.' </p> <p>The launch of the XXX domain is expected to be put on hold now until new stock can be shipped in from Blackpool where the 'Perverts in Dirty Mac's' convention has been interrupted to allow it's members to get straight back to work manufacturing new names.</p> <p>The company is planning to rebuild a new warehouse just as soon as it's board can stopping giggling at the phrase 'planned erection' in the company minutes. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29482#post-82822 Sun, 21 Aug 2011 17:33:54 +0000 rebel not taken 82822@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Soixante Neuf Films is promising "new birds and blokes" in it's latest reality programme The Only Way Is Worthing.</p> <p>A host of glamorous locations have been lined up, including the Worthing Pavilion Bowls Club, where 93 year old Doris Slapper, a regular lad's mag cover girl, has al fresco sex with viagra popping allotment holder Cyril Dither.</p> <p>This hot under the collar scene follows a lover's tiff where Doris calls Cyril "a daft nit." Sticks of Mr Dither's home grown rhubarb and other sex toys are used in this erotic depiction of everyday Worthing. </p> <p>Other steamy venues include the Seaview Guest House, with panoramic views of West Pier, where Bingo caller Arthur Cock, 69, a cheeky chappie if ever there was one, gets webbed up in a drawn out menage a trois with two fat ladies.</p> <p>One of the obese women, retired cinema usherette, 88 year old Rita Plebb, claims to have acute angina and is hoping to pursue a modelling career after the show.</p> <p>The other fatty, Edna Drivel 77, is a playboy bunny and single mother who describes herself as "a typical Worthing Girl who goes like the clappers."</p> <p>Another controversial episode tackles the harrowing subject of necrophilia and stars Ex Womens Insitute Director Marjorie Fosdyke-Spratt, who despite being dead, is still a feisty redhead aged 103.</p> <p>Miss Fosdyke-Spratt's 'partner', fit Worthing nightclub bouncer Sir Humphrey Nonce QC 94, bombs round town in a nearly new £750 black mobility scooter and boasts on his Facebook page that he has "the physique of an Anglepoise lamp."</p> <p>Losing yellowing underwear in self service launderettes, having it off in Stannah stairlifts and sorting out cardigans in soon to close charity shops are just some of the other mouth watering tasks the pensioners will have to perform.</p> <p>The Only Way Is Worthing is on Facebook<br /> 540,174 people like The Only Way is Worthing </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29475#post-82799 Sun, 21 Aug 2011 10:13:00 +0000 rebel not taken 82799@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Geek Porn films are proud to announce a strictly limited event celebrating the Dalek invasion of Turnham Green.</p> <p>A private screening of a rare and controversial film will be shown at The Doctor Who Convention which takes place at the George 1V comedy club in Chiswick High Road this weekend.</p> <p>A £40 ticket for the event allows Dalek fans the opportunity to join in the Hiding Behind The Sofa Seminar.<br /> This promises to be a lively discussion on how the Cyborgs used their plungers to interface with technology and purge the Universe of all non-mutant life. </p> <p>The mass debate will include a demonstration of a Dalek crushing a local man's skull by suction and extracting information about the best curry houses in Chiswick and the precise location of missing cats.</p> <p>The seminar will be followed by a private screening of the unauthorised pornographic film The Dirty Daleks.</p> <p>In the film, the evil mechanical robots abduct three scantily-clad models and force them to perform lesbian acts while smearing plasma over their Dalek bumps and wearing laddered fishnet stockings.</p> <p>For an extra £10 viewers can hire a bonded polycarbide brain coil and watch the Dalek flick holding a single mechanical eyestalk with a rotating dome. </p> <p>Copies of The Dirty Daleks DVD can be purchased from the Turnham Green Geek Porn Society by mentioning the code word Exterminate. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863&page=2#post-70541 Thu, 02 Jun 2011 08:37:15 +0000 The All New Jeni B 70541@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>No, that would be quite wrong Al.</p> <p>And it would lead to other people jumping on that bandwagon and carrying it on... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863&page=2#post-70529 Thu, 02 Jun 2011 05:38:29 +0000 Al OPecia 70529@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh Yeah, I remember this. Must remember not to bump it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21964#post-59232 Tue, 01 Mar 2011 11:49:47 +0000 OldThingy 59232@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I have two ponds and a bucket.<br /> The bucket has the spawn. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21964#post-59231 Tue, 01 Mar 2011 11:49:11 +0000 OldThingy 59231@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>disgusting </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21964#post-59230 Tue, 01 Mar 2011 11:48:05 +0000 riesler 59230@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Now that spring is coming, my pond is full of frog's porn. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21964#post-59228 Tue, 01 Mar 2011 11:46:22 +0000 OldThingy 59228@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There is a dispute accross the pond.</p> <p>A language teacher has sead that the standerd of spilling was erotic and the French are revaulting. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-22353 Sun, 11 Jul 2010 01:04:54 +0000 arrghgarry 22353@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I never saw this" I was on a BA flight from Frankfurt to Heathrow a couple of days ago, and one of the flight attendants was called Lara Cox.</p> <p>True story! "<br /> I wonder if she was a scouser </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-22351 Sun, 11 Jul 2010 00:23:07 +0000 Golgo13 22351@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was on a BA flight from Frankfurt to Heathrow a couple of days ago, and one of the flight attendants was called Lara Cox. </p> <p>True story! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-19317 Sat, 26 Jun 2010 11:34:53 +0000 arrghgarry 19317@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I got your mail and I hit reply and i was sent to me ,did you get it as well . </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-19294 Sat, 26 Jun 2010 08:48:15 +0000 Golgo13 19294@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@arrghgarry - Much as I love this opportunity to bump my Large Hard-on piece every 12 hours, I think if the NB editors haven't seized on it by now, they never gunna... so I'm going to reply on a PM to ya and leave the rest of the world guessing as to whether I took a local with me... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-19247 Fri, 25 Jun 2010 22:29:35 +0000 arrghgarry 19247@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>So you managed to get out ,did you take a local with you . </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-19174 Fri, 25 Jun 2010 14:23:21 +0000 Golgo13 19174@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was in Japan for 12 years, 1992 ~ 2004. Not an anime/manga fan but I like Golgo 13. He is perfect machine of snipe! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-19143 Fri, 25 Jun 2010 11:54:23 +0000 arrghgarry 19143@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>someone had mentioned the hood I had got that confused with the hooded claw and it went on from there ,are you an anime fan ? I do not know that one Golgo my kids do .Are you in or have been in Japan ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-19107 Fri, 25 Jun 2010 08:16:12 +0000 Golgo13 19107@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@ Arrghgarry ドンマイ！Don't worry - I'm not the double-post police...I just was being a bit dim and wondering what the link was to the sub / thread...</p> <p>...I won't lie to you, I'm still wondering... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-19070 Fri, 25 Jun 2010 00:13:04 +0000 arrghgarry 19070@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It refers to the baddie from the Thunderbirds called the Hood,did not realize I had posted twice sorry . </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-19056 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 22:34:09 +0000 Golgo13 19056@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@arrghgarry - ..what does your post refer to? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-18710 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:22:31 +0000 arrghgarry 18710@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>wooden you know it ,I do remember this s character with the eyebrows ,but the only name I can remember ( for a baddie )is Sailor Sam </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-18707 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:12:02 +0000 arrghgarry 18707@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>wooden you know it ,I do remember this s character with the eyebrows ,but the only name I can remember ( for a baddie )is sailor sam </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-18639 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 05:43:21 +0000 sauce 18639@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>California is an earthquake zone - could add something about the earth moving ...</p> <p>(The Stanford Linear Accelerator is a huge particle research fascility built stradling the main fault line in the Bay area. Crazy place to build it - but I suppose they grabbed the dosh to build it and weren't about to let it go elsewhere: power) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-18619 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 22:34:57 +0000 The All New Jeni B 18619@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah yes. Our Oxy. A chap who doesn't believe in blowing his own trumpet when a full brass band can do the trick.<br /> (Plus he's not so able to bend double these days.) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-18586 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 17:54:45 +0000 fun and games 18586@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oxy as humble and understated as ever. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-18576 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 16:32:04 +0000 Oxbridge 18576@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Just to prove great minds think alike, even when it comes to invented porn actresses' names, here's one I did in my very early days on NB, which was also at the time when the government seemed to be bailing out everyone. It didn't get used but I still quite like it so there:</p> <p>Government urged to bail out porn industry</p> <p>The British porn industry has called for the government to include it in the ongoing bail-out of cash-strapped industries. According to David Grayson, a spokesman for the British Adult Film Association (BAFA), many hard-working families are seeing their livelihoods at risk because the downturn has led to a 30% slump in DVD sales since 2007.</p> <p>“Some people think we just get two men, five women and a goat together and point a camera at them,” claimed Grayson. “However, for every performer, there are several others in related services who might also lose their job: lighting technicians, film editors, scriptwriters, dialogue coaches – OK, not dialogue coaches really, but you get my point.”</p> <p>Despite restrictive legislation, BAFA claims, the British porn industry is the largest in the world after the US and a major exporter to other European markets. In some niches, notably those involving 35-year old women dressed in school uniforms from the 1950s, Britain is a world market leader.</p> <p>“I can’t stress how badly we are suffering,” said Grayson. “The downturn has taken us all from behind. Trading conditions suck. Without immediate government help – hang on, I think this will work – the industry will be brought to its knees and most of the companies in it will go tits-up.”</p> <p>A treasury spokesman commented that the full list of industries that will be helped out by government-backed credit has yet to be fully finalised. “The porn industry?” he said. “Well, I don’t really think … oh, what the hell, in for a penny eh? How much are they asking for?”</p> <p>Added leading porn actress Jenna Foxx: “Uh uh uh, yes, YES, YES, fill my gaping coffers with your enormous subsidy, big boy.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6863#post-18515 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 10:39:05 +0000 Mr Target 18515@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hits the spot...have some stars! </p>