http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=politics The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 20:57:24 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62594#post-182223 Mon, 17 Jun 2013 04:46:28 +0000 George_BKZ 182223@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62587#post-182206 Sun, 16 Jun 2013 17:31:24 +0000 George_BKZ 182206@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>After an assertive crackdown on homosexual rights, Russia’s lower house of Parliament continues its aggressive blitz in the war on traditional marriage.</p> <p>The legislative body is moving to pass a new bill to further increase the rights of heterosexual couples. The bill proposes a countrywide ban on individual ownership of dogs, horses, cats, pigs and other potential domestic animals. The bill further prohibits the possession of vacuum cleaners, toilet paper rolls, and mops.</p> <p>Yelena Mizuluvich, a prominent MP, defends the bill saying, ”It is our God-given duty to protect heterosexuals from endangerment; if we don’t implement these restrictions now, then it won’t be long before people start making love to these ubiquitous animals and possessions.” She continues, “When that happens, we will have a whole new threat to deal with.”</p> <p>Protestors in Moscow have rallied in support of these bans, claiming that the government is right to spend its resources in its defense of traditional marriage against anti-Christian beliefs, which of course takes precedence over putting an end to dangerous and drunk driving, political assassinations, the incarceration of activists, and the sex trade, among other things. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62585#post-182205 Sun, 16 Jun 2013 17:30:30 +0000 George_BKZ 182205@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hey, I have no idea where I posted this!</p> <p>Dunno how to delete in order to repost. Such a noob :)</p> <p>Guess I'll repost it anyway in the writer's room.</p> <p>As for the mop, you don't wanna know </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62585#post-182204 Sun, 16 Jun 2013 17:21:03 +0000 Wrenfoe 182204@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Alas wrong room...but I am curious how a mop is used...or perhaps I don't want to know :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62585#post-182201 Sun, 16 Jun 2013 16:46:23 +0000 George_BKZ 182201@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>After an assertive crackdown on homosexual rights, Russia’s lower Parliament continues its aggressive blitz in the war on traditional marriage.</p> <p>The legislative body is moving to pass a new bill to further increase the rights of heterosexual couples. The bill proposes a countrywide ban on individual ownership of dogs, horses, cats, pigs and other potential domestic animals. The bill further prohibits the possession of vacuum cleaners, toilet paper rolls, and mops.</p> <p>Yelena Mizuluvich, a prominent MP, defends the bill saying, ”It is our God-given duty to protect heterosexuals from endangerment; if we don’t implement these restrictions now, then it won’t be long before people start making love to these ubiquitous animals and possessions.” She continues, “When that happens, we will have a whole new threat to deal with.”</p> <p>Protestors in Moscow have rallied in support of these bans, claiming that the government is right to spend its resources in its defense of traditional marriage against anti-Christian beliefs, which of course takes precedence over putting an end to dangerous and drunk driving, political assassinations, the incarceration of activists, and the sex trade, among other things. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182048 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 20:00:17 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 182048@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep nice one Mary </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182043 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 19:39:30 +0000 Wrenfoe 182043@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good story Mary. A *wave* if you are a newbie. A *slap in the face* if you are one of the old lags hiding under an alt. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182042 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 19:32:25 +0000 FlashArry 182042@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like the style and tone - welcome aboard ! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182035 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 18:03:20 +0000 Lindy Moone 182035@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good on you for tackling this. It's obviously not an easy subject to make funny, but well worth satirizing. The totally serious tone works for me.</p> <p>BTW, I'm curious to know why you chose your name. Or have you risen from a watery grave? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182031 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 17:34:14 +0000 MaryJoKopechne 182031@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An abortion clinic and pregnancy crisis centre has been told it must do more to diversify its clientele or risk losing its funding. The centre, based in Cambridge, has been given two months by the local council to attract patrons from underrepresented groups, such as the elderly, lesbian women, and men. If the clinic fails to improve, the council have warned they may withdraw public funding, as a result of failing to meet equality targets set last September for all bodies receiving financial support from local government.</p> <p>Marline Swinn, the clinic’s director, has said she intends to appeal the council’s decision, while admitting that “very few of our clients are lesbian, and we have not treated a man during the eighteen years I have been working here.” Her staff “believe strongly in non-discrimination and would never turn away anyone who contacts us” but “should not be blamed” for the lack of diversity among their clientele, Swinn said. </p> <p>Figures released by Cambridge city council show that well over 95% of those using the clinic last year were women aged between 16 and 50, while this group represents less than 30% of persons resident in the city.</p> <p>Joan King, the Equality Officer for Cambridge city council, said these figures suggest room for improvement, in a statement released yesterday. “While we do not expect every publicly-funded service to attract exactly the same sorts of people, groups who are clearly only attracting patrons from one section of the community must do more to diversify their clientele. The council has a legal duty to ensure non-discrimination in all services to which it provides a grant. A service which largely or wholly only attracts young, heterosexual women obviously is not doing enough to justify receiving council money, and must work to improve its appeal to all groups in the community.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62246#post-181301 Sat, 08 Jun 2013 08:53:55 +0000 Arthur 181301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Looks like a job for Paris Brown. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62246#post-181300 Sat, 08 Jun 2013 08:38:16 +0000 brianflan 181300@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@buckfast..... with our justice system mirroring that of a 1960's Scandinavian hippy commune, it may well be....</p> <p>@ Lindy could you do a mural of Evil Kneivel on a chopper jumping over the crowd of a Bucks Fizz reunion? I think you probably have researched them adequately now </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62246#post-181281 Sat, 08 Jun 2013 07:06:29 +0000 Lindy Moone 181281@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>*shakes up her spray paint* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62246#post-181277 Sat, 08 Jun 2013 06:26:17 +0000 Buckfastaddict 181277@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>One imagines this could be true.</p> <p>Would stir up a hornets' nest in the Daily Fascist! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62246#post-181272 Sat, 08 Jun 2013 02:46:44 +0000 brianflan 181272@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Western Australian Youth Justice advocates defended their decision today not to increase fines for criminal damage in light of an infamous graffiti artist becoming a millionaire at the age of 19 through reporting his own crimes.</p> <p>‘Fining youths more than the current amount is probably unrealistic and will only cause a further administrative backlog for the Fines Enforcement Registry, who are currently overwhelmed trying to chase up fines for doing 3KM over the speed limit and fining people for forgetting to register their car, now there is no requirement to display a windscreen sticker.’ Stated Tristran Borlake - social worker turned spokesperson of the Minister for Youth.</p> <p>Unlike famous UK street artist ‘Banksy’, who can sell his artwork for thousands of dollars, serial graffiti offender Mark Pye, an unemployed surfer from Butler, made his money through taking advantage of Perth’s peculiar legal loophole, where the fine for committing acts of graffiti is $200, yet the reward for reporting graffiti is $500.</p> <p>Over a 5 year period Mr Pye reported his own graffiti three times a day and bagged himself over $1.1million.</p> <p>A legal aid lawyer working on behalf of Mr Pye stated that his client no longer needed to spray paint trains, government buildings and bus shelters and considered himself ‘retired.’</p> <p>My Borlake added ‘Our Youth Justice programmes are designed to stop young people continuing their anti-social behaviors. As Mr Pye no longer commits these offences it proves that the system does work.’</p> <p>BF </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62113#post-180891 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 23:54:02 +0000 brianflan 180891@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>She's Angela's secret twin. They bring her our now and again.</p> <p>Good spot Sredni. To be honest I can't believe I put that. The wife and I were talking about a mutual friend Angela so one can only assume that had something to do with it.....I think there is a psychological term for it....oh yes - idiocy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62113#post-180848 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 15:29:37 +0000 sredni vashta 180848@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff but who "Andrea " Merkel? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62113#post-180832 Tue, 04 Jun 2013 13:21:26 +0000 brianflan 180832@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a final 15-fingered salute to unethical research, a recently sacked scientist has blown open the secrets of CERN. </p> <p>As the budget for The Large Hadron Collidor at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) has reached $10billion, Mark Pye former radiation expert and part time juggler has claimed that the public are being hoodwinked by large words to cover up a secret international scalextric ring.</p> <p>“That Large Hadron Collidor? It’s not the world’s largest and highest energy particle accelerator; it’s just a 17km slot racing track where world leaders have bets against each other. In 2001 George Bush and Saddam Hussein had a race involving 2 Mini Coopers and whoever won would get the other’s oil. You know the rest.” </p> <p>Far from reaching speeds of light the fastest speed ever was Vladimir Putin’s scale version of Ferrari f430 that reached a lightning 16mph.</p> <p>Suspicions have surrounded CERN since words emerged such as supersymmetry Quark-gluon meson and the now famous Higgs Bosun.</p> <p>“All names made up by a plasterer from Ipswich” Claims Mr Pye. “Higgs bosun was named after his dad….who was a bosun in the Royal Navy….. whose name was Higgs.”</p> <p>“We had a couple of Interpol come over once to investigate possible fraudulent activity. They backed off when we said we were setting up a Super Proton Synchotron….. in reality we were just building up a little grandstand in front of a chicane in Atlas Sector bought by Andrea Merkel when she managed to bring Greece to its knees. The 2008 quench incident that closed the LHC down was actually us just putting in an extra 2 lanes so both North and South Korea could join in…and to be honest they’ve actually made it quite competitive.”</p> <p>Mr Pye claims the LHC was only built due to the earlier failure of the far more superior named Super Conducting Super Collider built in Waxahachie Texas which closed down in 1993. </p> <p>“Despite costing $12billion someone forgot to bring a 240v-110v transformer so the project was abolished. George W Bush went mad. He’d only just received a scalextric police car for his 47th birthday." </p> <p>This is not the first time concern has been voiced over CERN research. Time travel has been used to see if a Snickers could be returned to a Marathon and alternative hydration techniques, initially to solve world drought, was used to prepare Vesta chow meins, which was suspended only after its $45million budget required further investment as scientists discovered the crispy noodles required oil. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178443 Fri, 17 May 2013 03:44:29 +0000 weematt 178443@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Post it in the Writers Room section of the NewsBiscuit site. This is the Chat Room intended for discussions not submissions. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178439 Thu, 16 May 2013 23:42:31 +0000 mileslloyd 178439@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What do you mean by "move it over"? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178438 Thu, 16 May 2013 23:39:57 +0000 mileslloyd 178438@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Your wanting is stars enough for me! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178316 Thu, 16 May 2013 08:49:30 +0000 Wrenfoe 178316@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I wanna give it stars!!! (Move it over, dude!) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178288 Thu, 16 May 2013 06:30:37 +0000 Gerontius 178288@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Unless it's everybody else got it wrong. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178278 Thu, 16 May 2013 05:43:29 +0000 Dick Everyman 178278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Right drugs, wrong room.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61316#post-178250 Wed, 15 May 2013 22:45:06 +0000 mileslloyd 178250@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>British Prime Minister David Cameron held an emergency meeting at Downing Street today to address startling statistics that show a dwindling numbers of teens and young adults who turn to recreational drug use as a way of passing time.</p> <p>Fighting back tears, the PM announced:</p> <p>“Illicit drug use in Britain is on a downward curve. Only 19% of 16-24 year-olds have used an illegal substance in the last year. These findings are very disappointing. I remember back when I was 24. Ecstasy pills had just become big on the underground rave scene - it was like a welcomed slap-in-the-face with a hot, wet, lemon scented hand towel.” Cameron paused to hold back the flow of tears: “It was magical.”</p> <p>Cameron noted that during his youth, 19% of 16-24 year olds were regularly “sparking up fat ones,” “getting a cheeky gram of coke to help them through lectures,” or, as Cameron put it, “just eagerly awaiting the weekend so they could get a nice hit of E.” Cameron fondly reminisced: “This was back when it was good!”</p> <p>“A tenner a pill would blow your tits off. We would be up all night in a barn in the middle of nowhere, dancing amongst the rays of lights – with our tops off and without a care in the world.”</p> <p>Cameron is saddened how over four- fifths of UK’s youth now waste their weekends drinking warm beer and watching Britain’s Got Talent – instead of being out at a club, chewing the inside of their own faces, and forming bonds with people they would normally consider “massive wankers.”</p> <p>The PM then went silent for a few moments before biting his fist and screaming at people to: “Get out of the room! I need time to think about Britain’s future.” After twenty-or-so minutes, the PM had pulled himself together enough to invite the press back in the to give the following final statement:</p> <p>“We can only pray for our country that these young adults lied during the survey for fear of getting into trouble, or worse, grounded for a week. May God help us all”</p> <p>Mr. Cameron then ran to his bedroom and turned off his phone. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177739 Mon, 13 May 2013 07:29:59 +0000 brianflan 177739@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Many thanks commentators, </p> <p>Got 2 out of 2 FP which can only mean.....</p> <p>standards are obviously slipping, good chance for second raters to at last shine! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177675 Sun, 12 May 2013 08:48:49 +0000 Sinnick 177675@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great FP, missed this earlier.</p> <p>Oh, and welcome. FP after just 3 days of being active here ? Splendid !</p> <p>Great opportunity at the moment for newbies, with some of the regulars drifting off ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61094#post-177668 Sun, 12 May 2013 07:53:47 +0000 Username 177668@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely concept, well executed.5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61137#post-177658 Sun, 12 May 2013 06:03:49 +0000 Wrenfoe 177658@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>lol - cool, a series!</p> <p>(BTW gratz again on the FP) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61137#post-177562 Sat, 11 May 2013 09:34:28 +0000 brianflan 177562@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This news item follows on from 'Chimp Death to cause new GFC?' </p>