http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=police The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 12:59:51 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58969#post-171383 Tue, 02 Apr 2013 12:40:31 +0000 theinvisiblecitychannels 171383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More Soon... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56037#post-161839 Sat, 09 Feb 2013 14:15:12 +0000 Drylaw 161839@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You are wise. How about Good Morning Little Schoolgirl? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56037#post-161824 Sat, 09 Feb 2013 11:38:44 +0000 lane-avenger 161824@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Officers at Operation Yewtree have uncovered a devastating new weapon in their bid to destroy the lives of the rubbish entertainers from the 60s and 70s who blighted so many young lives - Youtube.</p> <p>A source close to the investigation can reveal a series of leads which are being followed up. <blockquote>The sheer brazenness of these people is quite unbelievable</blockquote> he said, <blockquote>they are condemned out of their own mouths.</blockquote></p> <p><strong>Gilbert O’Sullivan, Clare 1972</strong></p> <p><em>But why in spite of our age difference do I cry.<br /> Each time I leave you I feel I could die.<br /> Nothing means more to me than hearing you say,<br /> "I'm going to marry you. Will you marry me Uncle Ray?”</em></p> <p><strong>Gary Puckett &amp; The Union Gap, Young Girl 1968</strong></p> <p><em>Beneath your perfume and make-up<br /> You're just a baby in disguise<br /> And though you know<br /> That it is wrong to be alone with me<br /> That come on look is in your eyes, oh</em></p> <p><strong>Sparks, Young Girls 1980</strong></p> <p><em>Young girls haven't seen the whole night<br /> And they hold you, though it might not be tight<br /> And they will kiss you, though it might not be right<br /> Because they're young girls<br /> </em></p> <p><strong>Neil Sedaka, Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen 1961</strong></p> <p><em>Tonight's the night I've waited for<br /> Because you're not a baby anymore<br /> You've turned into the prettiest girl I've ever seen,<br /> Happy birthday sweet sixteen</em></p> <p><strong>Brotherhood of Man, Save Your Kisses for Me 1976</strong></p> <p><em>Kisses for me<br /> Save all your kisses for me<br /> Bye bye baby bye bye<br /> Don't cry honey don't cry<br /> Won't You save them for me<br /> Even though you're only three...<br /> </em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53838#post-155341 Wed, 26 Dec 2012 21:05:51 +0000 Squudge 155341@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Boxing Day Hunt will go ahead in 2013, after it has been revealed that a novel compromise has been reached by the Transport minister in discussions with ASLEF and the Heythrop Hunt.</p> <p>The train drivers union had been locked in a bitter dispute over their unassailable right to strike on a bank holiday, to avoid working bank holidays, while demanding triple pay and a day off in lieu.</p> <p>The Transport Secretary, Patrick McLoughlin revealed that "We in government decided to throw a bone to the hounds (and Huntmasters) to head off another looming conflict with the Met Police after the animal rights activists started using some of their former members as saboteurs. I mean 'observers'." he hastily corrected himself.</p> <p>"Seeing as half the Hunt tends to be Tory MPs on their hols in any case, things were set to get a bit plebgate again. However, tube train drivers don't count as 'animals' technically, and they love disappearing down tunnels, and are guaranteed to be free on Boxing Day. The solution was right there in front of our very noses".</p> <p>"The government doesn't disapprove paying the blighters extra pay for one day to allow the hounds a good chomp on some well-uphostered bolshie backside".</p> <p>The proposal has met with the full support of Owen Patterson, the Minister for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, Sir Barney White-Spunner, executive chairman of the Countryside Alliance, and a resounding "Whatevs" from the Head of the Met Police. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53525#post-155340 Wed, 26 Dec 2012 21:01:48 +0000 HugoDestrange 155340@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I guess fox hunting stories are becoming even more topical today! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53525#post-154662 Thu, 20 Dec 2012 19:15:22 +0000 Chocoman 154662@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I may not always hunt foxes, but I shall damn well always be a fox-hunting man! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53525#post-154661 Thu, 20 Dec 2012 19:06:01 +0000 BillyBragger 154661@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very Droll </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53525#post-154652 Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:55:41 +0000 custard cream 154652@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wonderful - real satire, really funny. Top marks! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53525#post-154526 Wed, 19 Dec 2012 23:22:49 +0000 HugoDestrange 154526@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Scotland yard has announced this week that it now has 30 police officers working to locate the fox who falsely gave corroborating evidence against the Heythrop Hunt.</strong> The members of the hunt, who were recently heavily fined for hunting fox with hounds have praised attempts to clear their names and are calling for a full inquiry.</p> <p>One member of the hunt who wished to remain anonymous expressed his relief at the reopening of investigations; "naturally we mistrust the fox, that is after all why we would relentlessly pursue and kill it".</p> <p>The local police are reconsidering the usefulness of animal testimony, yet claim that the fox sent a number of emails posing as a witness and therefore did not instantly raise suspicion. However CCTV cameras (that were recently and controversially installed at great expense in the entirety of the Oxfordshire countryside) clearly show only one fox making its way across the picturesque Cotswold landscape, and the director of investigations admitted that viewing it did throw doubt on the other fox's condemning testimony.</p> <p>"This call for an inquiry is not so much about wether or not we actually did try and use our foxhounds to illegally kill an animal, but rather about a conspiracy within the animal community to blacken the names of members of the community", stated local resident and stable owner James Sneggs. He continued to talk about the Heythrop predicament - "ever since the Labour Party somehow convinced the Queen they were the government and passed the Hunting Act in 2004 we've had nothing but trouble, and it is of no surprise to me that the course of justice is still being obstructed by these cunning crepuscular critters."</p> <p>It is not clear as to wether the fines will be lifted, or if indeed the fox in question can be brought in for questioning. Because the hunt has previously counted amongst its riders David Cameron, any inquiry will of course place the government in a precarious position, and would no doubt also meet with opposition from the many anti-hunting lobbyists who called for the ban in the first place.</p> <p>Giving his final word on the matter, the local Police Commissioner (who is still largely unknown by his constituents) pointed out the great irony of staging "an overblown fox-hunt, in the pursuit of keeping of the fox hunting ban".</p> <p>What is certain is that both the integrity of the police force and the fauna of England's countryside have been called into question by this incident. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51870#post-149282 Sat, 17 Nov 2012 09:20:58 +0000 ginty 149282@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>more soon... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51574#post-148573 Tue, 13 Nov 2012 12:37:40 +0000 Gary Stanton 148573@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks all. Very nice to see somebody else has read 'My System' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51574#post-148463 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 21:59:30 +0000 button 148463@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51574#post-148410 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 14:52:31 +0000 dvo4fun 148410@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Another winner Gary</p> <p>I particularly liked "... only to be confronted by a Parkinson’s sufferer waving an AK-47 on which he had forgotten to put the safety catch. " </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51574#post-148399 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 13:19:33 +0000 custard cream 148399@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51574#post-148383 Mon, 12 Nov 2012 12:48:24 +0000 Gary Stanton 148383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A hard-bitten New York cop is looking forward to a leisurely retirement tonight after failing to be killed in the line of duty during his last week in work. </p> <p>Luckily for Danny Nimzowitch, his retirement has coincided with a surprise lull in street crime on the East Street Precinct, due, in part, to a spontaneous outbreak of good will between two feuding drug gangs who vowed to turn over a new leaf and take up a policy of selling drugs responsibly. </p> <p>As a result, Nimzowitch spent the last few days of his career buried ‘up to his ass’ in paperwork before handing in his badge last Friday, whereupon staff threw a surprise party, presenting him with a ‘retirement cake’ which had been specially prepared to take into account his nut allergy.</p> <p>Nimzowitch’s department has seen a spate of tragic deaths among senior officers on the verge of retirement. Most recently, Nimzowitch’s colleague of forty years, Dirk Weinbecker, was killed on his last day by a falling espresso machine. And the previous Fall, his mentor and inspiration, Jack Spinks, 55, walked into his bank off-duty only to be confronted by a Parkinson’s sufferer waving an AK-47 on which he had forgotten to put the safety catch. </p> <p>‘Although he was an asshole, Spinks’ death was the forty-eighth preventable death of its kind among officers in their last week of duty ,’ said Sammy Le Vito, NYPD’s Chief of Police. ‘It’s gotten to the point where my men refuse to speak to somebody about a pension plan. ‘</p> <p>Last night Crime Fiction writer, Paul Euster, described Nimzowitch as a complete nightmare, holding him personally responsible for a ‘block to his creative process’. ‘What is unacceptable is that Nimzo was filling out forms when just two blocks away a potential suicide, armed with a syringe full of HIV, was threatening to throw himself off a badly-maintained balcony.’ said Euster.</p> <p>Meanwhile, Nimzowitch’s wife Jackie is breathing a huge sigh of relief and is looking forward to a lengthy retirement with her husband of twenty-five years. </p> <p>‘It’s so great to have Danny around ,’ she said , wiping away a tear. ‘The kids have got their father back and it’s real nice for Danny to be able to more spend time indulging his favourite hobby of vertical cliff climbing without a harness.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50315#post-145120 Mon, 22 Oct 2012 17:50:13 +0000 philmurray 145120@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A police authority source today confirmed that crime clear up rates in rural areas had fallen sharply as officers were no longer able to justify garden shed break-ins and similar offences being put down to badger damage. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48617#post-140153 Tue, 25 Sep 2012 12:18:50 +0000 HenryMJUK 140153@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chief Superintendent Irene Curtis was today, most distressed to learn 300+ police officers are almost certain to be suspended, on full pay, for allowing Andrew Mitchell to cycle through the main gates at Downing Street instead of asking him to dismount and walk through the pedestrian gate.</p> <p>This is an extremely serious matter. Police Officers must, without question or favour, follow the guidelines set down, no matter how courteous and helpful their 'alternative' action may be. </p> <p>Information presented to me by Andrew Mitchell, and supported by video from the CCTV library, confirms that he has cycled through the main gates, at Downing Street, no less than 1000 times since the current coalition was elected to office in May 2010. Had the officers involved followed the procedures set down, there would have been no conflict on 19th September. </p> <p>Each officer will be entitled to a personal hearing, but for logistical reasons, and in an effort to speed up the process, the matter will be referred to the disciplinary committee of the Football Association – their decision in the matter will be final.</p> <p>Chief Superintendent Irene Curtis added, “the policy of letting motor vehicles through the gates of Downing Street would now be subject to review. In future, and take it from me – this is absolutely how it will be - only those vehicles responding to an emergency (under blues &amp; twos) would be allowed to pass through the gates whilst carrying passengers. All other vehicles must stop at the gates, disgourge their passengers (who must then walk through the pedestrian gate) at one side, before reboarding them at the other side". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48456#post-139518 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 14:40:40 +0000 Anonymous 139518@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I would like to apologize in advance to anyone else who feels the need to PM me for being racist as this is not a veiled nor personal dig at White Anglo Saxon Protestants. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48378#post-139448 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 00:21:53 +0000 hardev 139448@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ignore that last comment - I blame the drink for that...it sounded ok in my head...</p> <p>Should have come over as a reference to jewish practice on circumcision, but it doesn't work... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48378#post-139447 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 00:10:24 +0000 hardev 139447@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Only Jewish assassins are pricks who deserve to be cut up... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48456#post-139434 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 20:46:04 +0000 Anonymous 139434@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Conservative minister and Tory Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell has been summoned to appear before Westminster magistrates after he was stopped by officers while riding his bike along Whitehall.</p> <p>Mitchell has yet to release any statement however the Metropolitan Police have confirmed that “serious road offences” were recorded including failing to indicate with his arm when he turned left, not wearing a cycle helmet, not tucking his trousers into his socks (which constitutes a reckless offence should his pants have become entangled in his bicycle’s chain), riding on the pavement, tires not inflated to required regulatory standard, front and back cycle lights faulty and for offering to give Prime Minster David Cameron “a backie down to the shops”.</p> <p>A Met spokesman said “These are very serious offences and highlight the need for cyclists to abide by the law. Thank heavens that several diligent officers spotted him and pulled him over. The maniac was going 10 miles an hour. There could have been more charges, his bell wasn’t loud enough and attending officers spotted he tried to do a “wheelie”. Idiot.”</p> <p>The Metropolitan Police are vehemently denying allegations made by some Tories that Mitchell is a victim of a witch hunt stating “What do these ‘plebs’ know?” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48378#post-139319 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 08:59:11 +0000 Golgo13 139319@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There's an important idea here.</p> <p>I'm a professional hitman/assasin, so I have my "bad-news-portrait" updated every year or so, just in case I get murdered or go missing. It's surprising how quickly they go out of date. Clothes change, hairstyles change, and a cool back-drop one year might look passe the next.</p> <p>You don't want professional studio shots - you want something that looks natural, but you want to be looking good, and doing something pretty cool.</p> <p>But not too cool. You don't want to look like a prick who deserved to get cut up. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48378#post-139264 Thu, 20 Sep 2012 22:07:50 +0000 FlashArry 139264@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd noticed the photo thing as well. I think you've made a neat observation on media beatification, gently mocking rather than derisive. Good post. </p> <p>Might miss the need for tin hats ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48378#post-139262 Thu, 20 Sep 2012 21:58:37 +0000 Tripod 139262@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not too soon, but don't you need jokes? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48378#post-139260 Thu, 20 Sep 2012 21:52:01 +0000 hardev 139260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>it just caught my eye when the pictures changed, but it ay be a bit soon for some people - sorry about that... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48378#post-139259 Thu, 20 Sep 2012 21:51:08 +0000 hardev 139259@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Police investigating the deaths of two officers in Greater Manchester have called for an end the generalisation by the public on the deaths “of the cute one and the other one”</p> <p>Speaking via their lawyer, Parents of the “other one” complained to Greater Manchester Police when they saw the first pictures shown on national television and asked for them to be replaced by one’s that would make her look “almost” as nice as the “cute one”.</p> <p>Their lawyer said “It’s a very distressing time for the families, but at least give them the decency of putting a photo up that makes them look semi desirable and not just a random picture with no redeeming factors”</p> <p>Assistant Chief Con Garry Shewan said the deaths of the Police Officers has been a "watershed moment" and will ensure that they have pictures of all their female officers with full make-up and maybe in a bikini on file if such an incident occurred again. </p> <p>He said “I see it as my duty to make sure this happens – someone has to be the Gok Wan of the Police Force” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47619#post-136815 Mon, 03 Sep 2012 18:13:51 +0000 dvo4fun 136815@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice work [speeling mystakes apart] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47619#post-136806 Mon, 03 Sep 2012 16:01:00 +0000 HIGNFY 136806@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated folks! Wish I knew how to edit this...anyone know how? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47619#post-136752 Mon, 03 Sep 2012 08:27:49 +0000 simonjmr 136752@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Consider adding some of this </p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39573#post-112294" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39573#post-112294</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47619#post-136734 Sun, 02 Sep 2012 23:15:26 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 136734@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was trying to work out where I've seen HIGNFY before. Now I know. I'm terribly slow on the uptake sometimes. Anyway, have five from me, and just remember: It's 'regurgitated.' Sorry for being pedantic, but we're playing with the big boys here.</p> <p>Shuttlecock. </p>