Forum » Tag: physics - Recent Posts

Forum » Tag: physics - Recent Posts http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=physics The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 22:11:47 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php MikeF on ""UKIP causing global catastrophe" says Prof. Cox" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57726#post-167447 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 20:44:16 +0000 MikeF 167447@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Professor Brian Cox, the former keyboard player with D:Ream and now a famous particle physicist and broadcaster, has expressed deep concerns that the apparent rise of UKIP on the political agenda will bring racists and anti-racists together. "This high energy collision presents the danger of producing a quark-gluon plasma which could disturb the balance of the space-time-beer equilibrium" said Cox to Nigel Farage, leader of the UK Independence Party, during a pub lunch. The physicist and and the former commodity broker Farage had 'robust talks' in the aftermath of the Easteigh by-election. Cox is said to be worried that UKIP's desire to 'coalesce' the views of people from all sides of the political spectrum is deeply flawed. "Nigel, who is a good bloke and stands his round, does not fully realise what he's messing with" said Cox. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Nigel, than are D:Reamt of in your philosophy." Mr Farage replied, "things can only get better, hic!". Cox is infuriated by Mr Farage's approach. "let me explain it this way", said Cox: "Diffractively produced Z bosons in the muon decay channel in pp̄ collisions as s, and the measurement of the efficiency of the DØ Run II luminosity monitor... and other stuff I've done... I love you, you're my best mate you are, wezzme pint?" Mr Farage declined to comment as he was trying to get the barman's attention. "Fffarr..aagg..ee" said Cox into a black hole. Christine Gralow on "Curiosity Kills Rover" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47053#post-135200 Mon, 20 Aug 2012 16:08:57 +0000 Christine Gralow 135200@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Click on the tag - you'll see it's nothing new from this person. It's apparently his main activity in this forum. Hey, not every submission is going to be a hit on every satire site. Big deal. Anonymously tagging "bag of shite" is just cowardly. dvo4fun on "Curiosity Kills Rover" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47053#post-135197 Mon, 20 Aug 2012 15:52:26 +0000 dvo4fun 135197@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Christine - your sub is not my style. But for what it's worth - I think that a tag like that deserves indentification of tagger Christine Gralow on "Curiosity Kills Rover" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47053#post-135196 Mon, 20 Aug 2012 15:47:16 +0000 Christine Gralow 135196@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ It's super cool how one anonymous user is going around tagging other people's stories and rating them one-star without feedback. "Bag of shite." LOL! That's a good one! You must be an amazingly talented satire writer yourself! Christine Gralow on "Curiosity Kills Rover" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47053#post-135143 Mon, 20 Aug 2012 04:29:04 +0000 Christine Gralow 135143@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Curiosity Kills Rover By Christine Gralow MARS - The Curiosity Rover died yesterday while chasing an unidentified particle on Mars, NASA reports. Physicists have not yet classified the particle that killed Curiosity, but photos NASA received shortly before her death may hold clues. “According to our one-megapixel photos, Curiosity was last seen chasing a particle that is slightly smaller than a boson and somewhat structured like a buckminsterfullerene,” said Senior Nuclear Physicist David Horton. “Frankly, we believe she tripped and fell off Mars,” he added. Miss Rover gained international fame earlier this month after reaching speeds of more than 10,000 miles (16,093.4 km) per hour and landing in the Yellowknife area of Aeolis Palus in the Greater Gale Crater area of Mars. “This really sucks,” said NASA Intern Kevin Riley. “There were only, like, three single girls at NASA, and now there are only two.” Memorial services will be held Friday at NASA’s headquarters in Washington, D.C. -- Creative Commons Copyright, 2012-2013, Christine Gralow Manifestations of Baboonery on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62546 Sun, 27 Mar 2011 19:53:56 +0000 Manifestations of Baboonery 62546@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Right, taking into account the NB dislike of made up names I amended the story below. Initially I was unhappy about doing this as "Prof. Keith Mingebiscuit" made me laugh out loud and "Dr. Zephaniah Quedulous", like most of favourite jokes, was too clever for it's own good and I've had to explain it too pretty much everyone I've asked to read it. Quedulous/Credulous, geddit? But, unexpectedly, I've found myself agreeing that the story potentially works better with real names. You couldn't make up a better name for a creationist! Cheers, MoB PS I've also changed the age of Cox's nuts as I got the age of the universe wrong by .1 billion years. Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe, a leading scientist claims STARTLING claims that the scrotum of Brian Cox, keyboard player for Labour’s house band D:Ream and part-time astrologer, contains the vast majority of matter in the observable Universe, have rocked the world of synthpop and experimental physics. Scientists have long known that ordinary matter only accounts for about 23% of all matter and theorised the existence of dark matter to make their long sums add up. But they now consider that Cox’s nuts hold the answer - taking us tantalisingly close to a Theory of Everything. Leading astrobiologist and testicle aficionado, Paul Davies, described the epiphany that led to this paradigm shift in boffins’ understanding of the Universe: “I was sitting in my pants watching Cox’s unnecessary remake of the BBC's classic space documentary series Space and it hit me. The answer was staring me right in the face - what other reason could there be for how far apart his legs are when he stands for the pieces to camera?” He added “Theories are nothing without experimental evidence but Cox is a hard man to track down because if he’s not touring Northern Working Men’s clubs with D:Ream he’s gallivanting around the globe courtesy of license payers staring at the sun through binoculars and practising looking numinous. But we managed to locate him and asked NASA to point Hubble at his crotch. They detected two truly massive masses that are estimated to be 13.7 billion light years across and nearly as old as his hair style.” The research has led to further discoveries including that Cox’s hands aren’t actually glued into the pockets of his supermarket jeans but are continuously sub-consciously adjusting his ‘nurseries of creation’; and his nuts are the most perfectly spherical structures yet recorded, previously thought by scientists to be either neutron stars or the face of roly-poly Astronomer Royal, Russell Grant. <img src="http://www.responsesource.com/image.php?id=12033&s=l"> Grant's face: more circular than a theist's arguments? Silver-tongued media whore Cox, 17, commented on the findings: “I fuckin' love my bollocks and I fuckin' love science. This marrying of my old fellas and bleeding edge experimental physics is right up my junction. I think I’ll write a middle of the road synth-based pop ditty about it.” But leading creationist Duane Tolbert Gish, Senior Vice-President Emeritus at the Institute for Creation Research, has been quick to dismiss such claims: “Despite, or perhaps because of intimidating and overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary and first hand experience of Brian ‘tea-bagging’ me I consulted a collection of self-contradictory ramblings thrown together by a tribe of barely literate bronze-age desert nomads and it turns out it’s bollocks, figuratively speaking of course.” Manifestations of Baboonery on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62495 Sun, 27 Mar 2011 11:05:55 +0000 Manifestations of Baboonery 62495@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Ostsee: I can't help thinking Susan Greenfield is a topic for a story of her own. In fact I think ConDem have just announced they've put her in charge of the budget in her new role of Tsar of Post Riot Refurbishment. be reasonable: Thanks for the feedback and vote. I read the guidelines after I'd written the story and wasn't sure how firm the rules were. I think, in this case, it works better with the made up names but I suppose, if necessary, they can be changed. When I was writing it I didn't really have a view on where I'd try and get it published but can't help thinking the stupid names are a sub-concious influence from reading to much Viz. be reasonable on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62493 Sun, 27 Mar 2011 10:39:20 +0000 be reasonable 62493@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Well, I like it; just a word of warning, the eds don't approve of made up names. I don't see why, myself; if it was good enough for the Goons, it should be good enough here. 4* from me. Ostsee on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62486 Sun, 27 Mar 2011 08:11:11 +0000 Ostsee 62486@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Perhaps there should be a union of gametes originating from dear Brian and Susan Greenfield. Them at least someone would know how big the universe is in imagination. Manifestations of Baboonery on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62479 Sat, 26 Mar 2011 23:49:17 +0000 Manifestations of Baboonery 62479@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Hi all, I write a blog (click on my gravatar if interested) about embarrassing situations I cause or witness but this is the first time I've tried to write a spoof news story, so any comments or feedback is welcome. Thanks, MoB Manifestations of Baboonery on "Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23075#post-62461 Sat, 26 Mar 2011 19:08:17 +0000 Manifestations of Baboonery 62461@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Prof. Brian Cox’s testicles account for 77% of matter in the observable Universe, a leading scientist claims STARTLING claims that the scrotum of Brian Cox, keyboard player for Labour’s in-house band D:Ream and part-time astrologer, contains the vast majority of matter in the observable Universe, have rocked the world of synthpop and experimental physics. Scientists have long known that ordinary matter only accounts for about 23% of all matter and theorised the existence of dark matter to make their long sums add up. But they now consider that Cox’s nuts hold the answer - taking us tantalisingly close to a Theory of Everything. Leading physicist and testicle aficionado, Prof. Keith Mingebiscuit, described the epiphany that led to this paradigm shift in boffins’ understanding of the Universe: “I was sitting in my pants watching Cox’s unnecessary remake of the BBC's classic space documentary series Space and it hit me. The answer was staring me right in the face - what other reason could there be for how far apart his legs are when he stands for the pieces to camera?” He added “Theories are nothing without experimental evidence but Cox is a hard man to track down because if he’s not touring Northern Working Men’s clubs with D:Ream he’s gallivanting around the globe courtesy of license payers staring at the sun through binoculars and practising looking numinous. But we managed to locate him and asked NASA to point Hubble at his crotch. They detected two truly massive masses that are estimated to be 13.6 billion light years across and nearly as old as his hair style.” The research has led to further discoveries including that Cox’s hands aren’t actually glued into the pockets of his supermarket jeans but are continuously sub-consciously adjusting his ‘nurseries of creation’; and his nuts are the most perfectly spherical structures yet recorded, previously thought by scientists to be either neutron stars or the face of roly-poly Astronomer Royal, Russell Grant. <img src="http://www.responsesource.com/image.php?id=12033&s=l"> Grant's face: more circular than a theist's arguments? Silver-tongued media whore Cox, 17, commented on the findings: “I fuckin' love my bollocks and I fuckin' love science. This marrying of my old fellas and bleeding edge experimental physics is right up my junction. I think I’ll write a middle of the road synth-based pop ditty about it.” But leading creationist Dr. Zephaniah Quedulos has been quick to dismiss such claims: “Despite, or perhaps because of intimidating and overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary and first hand experience of Brian ‘tea-bagging’ me I consulted a collection of self-contradictory ramblings thrown together by a tribe of barely literate bronze-age desert nomads and it turns out it’s bollocks, figuratively speaking of course.” dicky37 on "Watched pot finally boils" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21313#post-57613 Tue, 15 Feb 2011 13:48:39 +0000 dicky37 57613@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ [A LocalBiscuit regional news exclusive...] fun and games on "Professor Stephen Hawking to open world’s first man-made black hole" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5584#post-15224 Thu, 03 Jun 2010 13:50:33 +0000 fun and games 15224@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Nice one Ludo. Perhaps it could have initially appeared in the B2131 after the snow had gone away? Ludicity on "Professor Stephen Hawking to open world’s first man-made black hole" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5584#post-15201 Thu, 03 Jun 2010 12:37:09 +0000 Ludicity 15201@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ The world’s first artificially created black hole will be opened next week in the Surrey town of Haslemere by physicist Professor Stephen Hawking. ‘I predict that this hole will become a major attraction,’ said Professor Hawking, ‘people will come from miles around to see it, whether they want to or not.’ The hole, which has been created using Haslemere’s world famous Small Hadron Collider, has been a controversial issue for many local residents. ‘It all sounds very fancy but I don’t want to live next door to a black hole,’ said pensioner, Mrs Mavis Treeb, ‘it will destroy all the light.’ Meanwhile others are concerned about the cost. ‘The council have poured millions into this black hole,’ complained local man, Arthur Mullins, ‘but as far as I can see we get absolutely nothing out of it.’ The Haslemere hole is the brainchild of physicist, Professor Brian Cox. ‘Ever since I was a small child I have dreamed of having my very own black hole,’ said Cox, ‘my parents would only let me have a hamster but it just wasn’t the same.’ Professor Cox rejected claims that opening a black hole in a busy commuter town would be a recipe for disaster. ‘We have deliberately made this black hole small and manageable,’ he said, ‘a number of our team have already been inside to have look around and it is perfectly safe, although admittedly they were all crushed to a point of infinite density.’ The Department for Transport has recently given the go ahead for a high-speed link between the Haslemere hole and a supermassive black hole being built in Switzerland by CERN. However, while people who enter the hole via CERN'S Large Hadron Collider will travel at almost the speed of light, the moment they enter Britain, they will slow down to a mere 40 miles per hour. The Haslemere black hole will be opened next Tuesday, to be followed by wine, canapés and the collapse of spacetime. virtuallywill on "Filming "Wonders of the Solar System" takes toll on Brian Cox" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1622#post-4483 Sun, 28 Mar 2010 11:14:48 +0000 virtuallywill 4483@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <img src="http://www.arbroathbandb.com/local_attractions_files_2/troia-35.jpg">