http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=petrol The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 15:20:27 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40846#post-116345 Sat, 31 Mar 2012 23:03:29 +0000 Gary Stanton 116345@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks ! If this makes it I'll split the profits down the middle </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40846#post-116343 Sat, 31 Mar 2012 22:53:59 +0000 waylandsmithy 116343@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oof! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40846#post-116287 Sat, 31 Mar 2012 11:05:48 +0000 waylandsmithy 116287@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice! Missed it amongst all the one-liners yesterday. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40846#post-116285 Sat, 31 Mar 2012 10:54:59 +0000 Gary Stanton 116285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Quick note to the editorial team - when this inevitably appears on the front page, a couple of corrections are required.<br /> 1) "Triggered" would work better than "caused" in the title .<br /> 2) Tunis is the capital of Tunisia, not Tripoli.<br /> I was confusing Libya and Tunisia because of<br /> 1) My advancing years<br /> 2) Their geographical proximity </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40846#post-116153 Fri, 30 Mar 2012 15:05:02 +0000 Gary Stanton 116153@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The popular uprisings that swept the Arab world in the spring of 2011 were most likely the result of Mohamed Bouazizi’s amateurish efforts to decant petrol from a jerry can in the kitchen of his Tripoli basement flat, according to experts. </p> <p>What initially appeared to be an act of self-immolation by a desperate and courageous man, may have been the result of a lit cigarette allowed to casually dangle from the side of his mouth in an attempt to appear ‘rakish’ . </p> <p>Tunisian’s were warned of fuel shortages in the run up to Spring 2011 by the country’s Energy Secretary Ali Al Maudi after the country’s tanker drivers objected to driving in oppressive heat for 45k per annum. And restrictions were put in place in March 2011 after a camel gnawed through a major oil pipeline. </p> <p>Bouazizi initially claimed he set himself on fire because he was pissed off with the filth. But in reality he gave a number of conflicting accounts, one of which was ‘acting on impulse to the poorly translated lyrics of a Doors record.’</p> <p>However, when quizzed later at the Severe Burns Unit of Tripoli General Bouazizi he confessed that he had merely followed Ali Al Maudi’s advice to the letter and was filling up a jerry can for his daughter’s Renault Twingo. </p> <p>Removing a bandage from around his mouth , Boauzizi is said to have whispered to doctors that ‘he could have done with a bigger funnel’ and that ‘it was probably not a great idea to have a chip pan and a ciggie on the go at the same time’ </p> <p>A North Tripoli Fire Service spokesman said ‘Members of the public should take extreme care when handling petrol and be aware of the risks associated with incorrect use and storage such as engulfing a continent in political turmoil with the inevitable bloodshed that follows. ‘ </p> <p>Although the wave of violent protests and alleged ‘self-immolations’ has now to Syria, President Assad has gone on record claiming several of these fires were started by a disaffected student trying to ignite a leaf with a magnifying glass. </p> <p><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-17560534" rel="nofollow">http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-17560534</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40665#post-115596 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 16:10:22 +0000 monkeechicken 115596@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Minister for the Cabinet Office, Francis Maude has defended his plans for the public storage of fuel today. Speaking outside the Houses of Parliament, Maude was bullish about his suggestion that people should store their own petrol at home, and stated his new plans to beat the tanker drivers proposed strike:<br /> "It's not unsafe at all to have a gerry can in the shed full of combustible liquids, people are just being silly, there is no danger whatsoever and there are plenty of other places that the public can store emergency fuel. For instance, most homes have a perfectly serviceable bath that could easily be utilized to help us beat these nasty militant drivers."<br /> When quizzed on the safety of such a scheme, Maude said:<br /> "judging by the looks of the average person, they don't use their bath often anyway, and even if they do, our advice is that so long as they do not smoke excessively, they will be perfectly safe" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40636#post-115537 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 12:03:33 +0000 Gary Stanton 115537@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mass murderer, Peter Sutcliffe, has offered to help out in the event of strike by tanker drivers if the government agrees to renew his HGV licence, according to reports. The Ripper has declared that he is on a mission from God to keep Britain on the move should planned conciliation talks with ACAS fail later this week. </p> <p>Sutcliffe, 62, says he was sitting in his maximum security cell in Broadmoor, minding his own business, when a deep male voice commanded him to use his experience of driving a Heavy Goods Vehicle in all weathers to help the country’s motorists in their hour of need, adding ‘Come on - this is bread and butter to you Pete.’ The government's civil contingencies committee Cobra, chaired by the prime minister, will meet later to discuss Sutcliffe’s parole amid reports that he has been on best behaviour since murdering thirteen prostitutes and seriously injuring another more than thirty years ago. A Cobra spokesman said, ‘All options remain on the table.’</p> <p>Tankers’ representatives Unite want minimum standards covering pay, hours, holiday and redundancy, whereas Sutcliffe claims his request for supervised weekend home visits is reasonable by comparison, with a condition that he be allowed to put pin-ups on the wall of his prison cell. Sutcliffe said ‘It’s time the government took on the haulage firms and hammered some sense into them.’ He added ‘Ok, poor choice of words maybe.’</p> <p>The multiple killer insists his old vehicle is still roadworthy, but later admitted that ‘the boot could do with a bit of a clearout’. However, haulage experts claim Sutcliffe would be ill-prepared to cope with modern road conditions which are far busier than those he experienced driving around Huddersfield in the late seventies. </p> <p>Last night it appeared that any chance of immediate rehabilitation may well be on hold after it emerged that Sutcliffe had failed the HGV driver’s theory test with a score of just 18 points out of 35.In answer to the multiple choice question ‘What is the correct speed when driving through a built up area?’ Sutcliffe answered (d) ‘five miles per hour with the passenger window wound down. ‘ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40441#post-115032 Sun, 25 Mar 2012 10:54:54 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 115032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>M.O.D spokesman coy about possible unsavory NATO action. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38807#post-109926 Fri, 17 Feb 2012 15:38:00 +0000 HenryMJUK 109926@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A spokesperson said “the problem is … it’s Iranian Diesel and it’s in high demand in the UK, everybody loves it, in fact, they can’t get enough of it. </p> <p>But the good news is, that we only have 3,500 billion litres stockpiled and (after August 2012) we won’t be able to get anymore. We’ll have to revert to Scottish or Libyian Diesel – but as they say – every silver camel has a lining – the price will only be 3p per litre before duty and VAT is added".</p> <p><a href="http://easyforexguides.com/diesel-price-at-new-record-high/" rel="nofollow">http://easyforexguides.com/diesel-price-at-new-record-high/</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4287 Fri, 26 Mar 2010 16:37:55 +0000 MADJEZ 4287@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Help Ed</strong> can you knit this lot together or can someone do rehash. I don't have the time (or the talent) to make a good job of all this. There are some cracking ideas here but I'm not sure where to take it (as some of you have gone on a tangent to what I was doing). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4097 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 17:26:19 +0000 Zen 4097@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent !!!<br /> Although it's the first time Cider buyers I feel sorry for. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4095 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 17:14:29 +0000 malgor 4095@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It'll all be history when we've all gone green and bought Lectric Hondas. Oh, hang on, electricity's quite expensive too... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4076 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 15:32:21 +0000 fun and games 4076@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A Berkshire girl, who turned up at a Newbury showroom yesterday to pick up her brand new Kia Placenta, was left ashen faced when she was unable to pay the cashier at her local Esso garage, who proceeded to offer her a two year fixed rate to pay for her tank of fuel.</p> <p>Torica Johnson-Sawdon , 17 was given the vehicle by her father, a London stockbroker after getting her fifth certificate at Pony Club. “It was sooo, like, embarrassing”, said Johnson-Sawdon “and in the end Daddy had to come down with his gold Amex”.<br /> Others have not been so fortunate, with a succession of first time buyers becoming stranded at the pumps,like beached sales, as customers have suffered the credit crunch backlash. </p> <p>Shell have defended its decision to charge £299 just to apply for a tank of fuel, with customers tied in for the first year and expected to stay on the variable rate for a further 12 months to help pay their debt off. "In these recessionary times we have to be careful that our business doesn't go up in smoke" said a spokesman.</p> <p>Critics have hit back, however, asking that if drivers struggle to get on the petrol ladder, how can they ever hope to upgrade their Vauxhall Amoeba to a Leyland Leylandii? </p> <p>This is just a development of Madjez' idea also using suggestions from Ludicity. It is still very much a work in progress. Consider the baton passed on... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4075 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 15:23:01 +0000 MADJEZ 4075@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks all. It was a thinly padded out one liner, will have a tweak later one. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4037 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 11:06:48 +0000 StoopyDeGunt 4037@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it, good headline </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4032 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 10:43:58 +0000 curry muncher 4032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A reference to Lord Mandelson and government loan guarantees should complete the set. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4030 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 10:40:04 +0000 Ludicity 4030@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>High Octane idea. There must be a full sub in this. </p> <p>As a first time pumper I am still having to rent most of my petrol. Many garages are now refusing to consider anyone with less than a four star rating. And then there was the sub-prime pump scandal in which garages would lend petrol to almost anyone. A few stupid quotes from Jeremy Clarkson should help to fill it up. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4027 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 10:31:57 +0000 Ostsee 4027@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh yes! Great sub. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4025 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 10:26:54 +0000 edward hack 4025@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Agreed, great headline </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4019 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 10:18:34 +0000 Stan Laurel 4019@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Perfect headline. Take Five! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1487#post-4017 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 10:12:59 +0000 MADJEZ 4017@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Despite government assurances that the budget would help them out millions still can’t afford their first gallon of petrol. With the threat of unemployment and wage freezes allied to the credit crunch young couples are struggling to get the deposit together to get their cars running.</p> <p>In addition the scrappage scheme successfully rid the roads of all well maintained cars in good condition over 10 years. This left only rusty polluting old bangers for the youngsters as every well-off pensioner in the country had sold their immaculate Honda or Toyota in exchange for a brand new Kia Placenta. </p>