http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=parliament The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 15:07:13 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54402#post-157033 Wed, 09 Jan 2013 19:05:31 +0000 geokay 157033@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Author J K Rowling and puppet-master Jim Henson are to mount a class action after learning that the names of some of their characters have been applied by British MPs to the two Ministers in charge of last year’s badger cull fiasco.</p> <p>Agriculture Minister David Heath is apparently referred to as “Hagrid” by his colleagues whilst DEFRA supremo Owen Paterson has earned the nickname “The Muppet”.</p> <p>Lawyers for Rowling and Hanson said today; “It is totally unacceptable for the names of our beloved characters to be linked with two such unsavoury Members of Parliament. Children across the world will be horrified, scared and may well suffer sleep deprivation, thus infringing their human rights”. </p> <p>“There is also a serious question as to how our future film negotiations might be adversely affected by such unhelpful linkage.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50455#post-145545 Wed, 24 Oct 2012 21:07:00 +0000 Chubbington 145545@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following recent, widespread accusations of authorities' failure to deal with institutionalised paedophilia over a period of time spanning decades, authorities have turned to legendary consulting detective Sherlock Holmes to shake up Britain's Child Protection Services. </p> <p>The move comes in light of fresh allegations made by Tom Watson MP of a paedophile ring implicating the very highest levels of government, which prompted Scotland Yard chiefs to enlist the help of the fictional Victorian crimefighter as 'Big Chief Paedo Hunter'.</p> <p>Constable Charles Dibble of The Metropolitan Police explained: “As we began to investigate claims of Paedophilia at the BBC in recent weeks it became apparent that everybody who worked in these institutions at the time of the alleged abuse was too detached from the reality of the situation for any law enforcement from this terrestrial realm to be able to help them.”</p> <p>“This left us no choice but to enlist some external help from the realm of fiction – which coincidentally was the source of most 70s BBC Employees' accounts of why they were unable to report the abuse at the time it was happening.”</p> <p>“We chose Mr Holmes ahead of Judge Dredd and Inspector Rebus because the latest paedophilia scandal surrounding government officials is basically the same plot as his most recent case, 'The House of Silk', though apparently even that far-fetched yarn full of improbable feats of cunning and gaping plot holes only contains a fraction of the flights of fancy we are expecting to experience when government officials start explaining how this paedophile ring operated for so long without them realising.”</p> <p>“We are encouraged by the work already done by Mr Holmes and his trusty assistant (Tom) Watson (MP), since the former spotted the fossilised remains of a terrified, crushed gerbil in a chest of drawers in 10 Downing Street and we are confident that his experience in hackneyed ruses will be invaluable in dealing with the testimonies of all the people who were washing their hair the whole time the abuse was happening.”</p> <p>“The fact that he himself is not actually real may be something of a stumbling block, but we are confident that it will not make our investigations in more ineffectual than they already are.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-126732 Thu, 21 Jun 2012 09:31:17 +0000 nickb 126732@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ouch </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-107448 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 09:33:28 +0000 Skylarking 107448@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd love to write more about S&amp;M-based injuries, writinginbsl. But they say 'only write about what you know'... and, well, clearly I've been very lucky so far. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-107278 Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:24:53 +0000 writinginbsl 107278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>i think it could have more detail about injuries sustained but it is a 5 starer for me</p> <p>and a bump </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-107212 Thu, 26 Jan 2012 19:58:47 +0000 Hurrumph 107212@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>wot he said. Allegedly. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106921 Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:32:53 +0000 Major Clanger 106921@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Inspired! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106895 Tue, 24 Jan 2012 20:53:58 +0000 godly1966 106895@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>terrific </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106845 Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:26:31 +0000 charlies_hat 106845@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106842 Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:40:48 +0000 Midfield Diamond 106842@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A full rack of stars from me, love the line about whiplash in particular. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106832 Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:49:57 +0000 Skylarking 106832@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wait, wait, I forgot the obligatory 'rear-ended' gag (turns satnav upsidedown and does a u-ey in nearest cul-de-sac) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106729 Mon, 23 Jan 2012 11:31:13 +0000 Skylarking 106729@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Has your NB submission been involved in a marking-down accident that wasn't your fault? Call us now on 0800 867867..." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106714 Mon, 23 Jan 2012 08:49:18 +0000 dvo4fun 106714@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well I was hovering between 4 &amp; 5 but if someone has 'two-ed' I'll give it five. Lovely punchline </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106706 Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:14:21 +0000 Golgo13 106706@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106704 Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:04:04 +0000 Username 106704@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep, 5. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106688 Sun, 22 Jan 2012 21:55:23 +0000 waylandsmithy 106688@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Skylarking, this is astonishingly good. What a great parody. And you've made someone jealous enough to give it 2 stars, I'd take that as a compliment!</p> <p>Funny, well crafted, perfect FP material. 5 from me. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37812#post-106687 Sun, 22 Jan 2012 21:49:17 +0000 Skylarking 106687@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The price of S&amp;M services has ‘gone through the roof’ in recent years according to a cross-party Parliamentary committee. The 128-strong ‘Personal Services Insurance Committee’ has blamed the steep rise in the large number of companies encouraging punters to make spurious personal injury claims.</p> <p>‘The names and details of MPs, sorry, <em>customers</em> are being sold on to companies, for up to £500 per referral.’ explained Tom Elkington, the chair of the committee. ‘Everybody in the industry knows that that they are taking these backhanders; one masked torturer described it to us as the S&amp;M industry’s ‘dirty little secret.’’</p> <p>‘The cost of an evening’s ritual humiliation has more than doubled in the last few years’ remarked one anonymous punter The Rt Hon John Doe ‘And the second I get home afterwards, there’s always a call from some shifty insurance company or other asking me if I have suffered any whiplash injuries. What damn fool kind of question is <em>that</em>? Of course I have; that’s what I’ve just paid for.’</p> <p>The committee is pushing for Parliament to act as quickly as possible. ‘We believe it’s time for strict new measures to be introduced into the S&amp;M industry’ declared Mr Elkington ‘Oh and they need to stop selling customers’ names onto the insurance industry too.’</p> <p>The Association of British Insurers has agreed that radical reform was desirable. ‘We would like to act more decisively on this one’ explained a spokesman for the ABI ‘but unfortunately our hands are tied. Hang on, I’ll rephrase that...’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35782#post-100531 Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:07:34 +0000 irregular apple 100531@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sources close to the French premier suggest he has agreed a deal with Simon Cowell's SYCO production company to judge 'Britain's Got Parliament' a new Westminster based reality extravaganza. Sarkozy has long been linked to the series in which European viewers can vote to keep their favourite parliamentarian in Westminster. Despite the parties reservations about Europe it is believed that the Conservatives will fair reasonably well with a ground swell of right wing support throughout the voting region. </p> <p>It's rumoured that Angela Merkel has been approached to judge and it's believed that Louis Walsh will be permitted to complete the panel if the Republic of Ireland agree to a debt reduction plan less achievable than the Versailles Treaty. </p> <p>The show has been the talk of Brussels today with wild speculation that a sizeable chunk of the phone vote profits will be handed over to the IMF.</p> <p>More to follow </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34226#post-96822 Sat, 19 Nov 2011 12:25:39 +0000 mpaterson 96822@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wow, thanks everyone! :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34226#post-96809 Sat, 19 Nov 2011 08:49:24 +0000 Mathna 96809@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant ticker. I've given it 5* just on that basis. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34226#post-96782 Fri, 18 Nov 2011 23:30:29 +0000 dvo4fun 96782@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep - Im with bonjo </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34226#post-96780 Fri, 18 Nov 2011 23:24:35 +0000 mpaterson 96780@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34226#post-96763 Fri, 18 Nov 2011 20:48:23 +0000 bonjonelson 96763@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>great as a ticker </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34226#post-96753 Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:44:46 +0000 mpaterson 96753@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>MPs attending an evening debate on welfare reforms were delayed for four hours last night after thieves risked life and limb to steal Vince Cable outside Kings Cross. The rise in this type of crime is thought to be related to the economic crisis and is the latest a spate of Vince Cable thefts across London and the boroughs.<br /> 'People who have been put out of work and are now struggling to make ends meet have taken to stealing Vince Cable wherever they can find him,' said Gordon Roadrage, a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police. 'Vince Cable is being stolen from railways, from telegraph poles. We've found Vince Cable in people's attics and allotment sheds. He's even been sold at car boot sales.'<br /> A replacement Secretary of State for Business Innovation and Skills has been running between the Houses of Commons and the Liberal Democrat Headquarters on Great George Street.<br /> The Chairman of the Board of Governors for Frail Old Has-Beens, Lord Camberwick-Dustybin, has called for CCTV to be installed in Mr. Cable's Fedora. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29154#post-81754 Fri, 12 Aug 2011 14:44:46 +0000 lord_wingnut 81754@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>UK's rioters are to set up a commission to investigate claims of alleged illegal behaviour in various cities recently. A parliamentary spokesperson indicated that such a move is only right and proper where such a grey area as the ownership of property and its current location remain in question.</p> <p>"There may have been some minor technical issues over payment for goods obtained from High Street retailers after normal business hours." the spokesperson continued, "but in the interests of full disclosure, we believe the rioters are best placed to decide if any wrongdoing took place as they were in situ at the time of these alleged incidents." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4002#post-11356 Fri, 07 May 2010 13:36:32 +0000 Skylarking 11356@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>(otherwise business as usual...) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1325#post-3484 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 18:28:40 +0000 StoopyDeGunt 3484@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it.</p> <p>If only it was true.</p> <p>This is the man who went on holiday, when he was Defence Minister, during a major crisis. He said his wife would have gone nuts otherwise. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1325#post-3461 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 17:24:16 +0000 John Square 3461@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You excellent bastard.</p> <p>5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1325#post-3443 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 15:21:13 +0000 Ludicity 3443@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><a href="http://s897.photobucket.com/albums/ac180/dr_ludicity/?action=view&amp;current=stephen-byers.jpg"><img src="http://i897.photobucket.com/albums/ac180/dr_ludicity/stephen-byers.jpg" alt="Photobucket" /></a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1325#post-3439 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:57:52 +0000 Ludicity 3439@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There are calls for a Parliamentary lock-down after the former Transport Secretary, Stephen Byers, was cornered by a gang of angry MPs and violently assaulted. Byers, who is currently embroiled in a 'cash for influence' scandal, was immediately rushed to hospital where he is said to be in a stable condition and already boasting about unrivalled access to doctors and nurses.</p> <p>"We don’t need his sort on the wing," said Leader of the House, Harriet ‘The Hatchet’ Harman, "'E got what 'e deserved". BBC Political Editor Nick Robinson said: "By putting himself at the centre of yet another political scandal, Byers made himself an obvious target for attack. Some of these MPs are hardened criminals with nothing to lose. Many of them will do anything to get a bit of kudos among their fellow inmates." </p> <p>Ushers at the House of Commons are now under increasing pressure to call a full Parliamentary 'lock-down' so that the chamber can be searched for concealed weapons. "We believe Mr Byers was attacked by an improvised device," said Chief Investigating Officer, DI Black Rod, "possibly a sawn-off ceremonial mace." </p> <p>Many staff at the Commons say that the House it is now totally out of control. "The whole place is run by the inmates," said one, "many of them treat it like a hotel."</p> <p>Byers, plus two fellow lags caught up in the scandal, Geoff 'The Numbnut' Hoon and Patricia 'The Matron' Hewitt, will now be placed under 24 hour protection to prevent any further attacks. "We may have to put them into solitary," said Speaker of the House, John Bercow, "partly for their own safety but mostly because we are sick of the sight of them."</p> <p>All three ex-ministers deny having done anything wrong. "Yeah, well, everyone is innocent in here," said Harman, "but these muppets should learn to do their time and keep their bleedin’ traps shut." </p>