http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=paralympics The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 18 May 2013 16:15:58 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49052#post-141471 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:12:53 +0000 Golgo13 141471@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"It comes on the heels..."</p> <p>Genius. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49052#post-141453 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:38:54 +0000 george.scofield 141453@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It has been discovered that local footwear magazine Northampton Shoe Magazine has been trying to garner a wider readership by needlessly courting outrage. It comes on the heels of the glossy Closer magazine and satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo both upping their readership after their recent media coverage. Northampton Shoe Magazines editor told us <blockquote>If Closer and Charlie Hebdo can get in all the papers and a youtube video can cause riots then there is certainly a precedent there to raise awareness of our product</blockquote>. The Bi-Monthly rag has already run stories on Paralympic athletes stealing display shoes and claimed Mohammed wore high heels. They plan to claim Jesus was a cobbler unless they start getting the media coverage they feel their claims deserve. I for one hope they don't get any coverage and that no one fans the flames by writing about them. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137513 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 18:04:35 +0000 Gerontius 137513@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wanting somebody dead because they said something you didn't like does seem a bit extreme.<br /> Aren't soldiers getting killed exactly to stop that sort of thing happening. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137496 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 16:14:42 +0000 dvo4fun 137496@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@ Button "Dvo's good at this sort of thing......hang on....Dvo are you Frankie Boyle?"</p> <p>I cannot tell a lie ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137490 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 15:19:07 +0000 Golgo13 137490@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>His remarks have been so inconsiderate that it is now OK for us all to wish him dead. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137485 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 14:31:37 +0000 Scroat 137485@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>Pity is probably the worst thing you can feel for someone.</blockquote></p> <p>No, loathing with murderous intent is, surely? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137470 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 10:40:07 +0000 ronseal 137470@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I feel a bit sorry for him now.</p> <p>The joke about the Saudi Arabian team wasn't about people with disabilities, but about the fact that their authorities are so keen on disabling their population.</p> <p>Mind you, I'm a hypocrite, because I did slag off Frankie Boyle for his joke about that nice Rebecca Adlington. Having said that, I slagged him off to an audience of my wife, a few friends and an internet chat room. So about six people. </p> <p>Is Frankie Boyle the new Jim Davidson? He's a bit offensive, but you can't help feeling sorry for him. Pity is probably the worst thing you can feel for someone. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137461 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 09:33:08 +0000 button 137461@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Dvo's good at this sort of thing......hang on....Dvo are you Frankie Boyle? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137460 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 09:03:59 +0000 Skylarking 137460@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Was it just me, or were those paralympics gags actually not that shocking? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47569#post-137454 Mon, 10 Sep 2012 06:36:53 +0000 Squudge 137454@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>timing is everything - should have subbed this today, with a nice pic of a wheelchair rugby competitor turned turtle - with Nick Clegg's sad face.</p> <p>Red got one of those? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47806#post-137435 Sun, 09 Sep 2012 22:04:47 +0000 Very Little Else 137435@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice! Reminds me of the Brass Eye good AIDS/ bad AIDS show of several yrs ago.<br /> Agree with Sir L; we should hear more from Shelvey B, an auspicious name. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137429 Sun, 09 Sep 2012 21:21:24 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 137429@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I hear Frankie's quite a nice chap actually. Although I don't necessarily believe a word of it.</p> <p>Shuttlecock. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47806#post-137406 Sun, 09 Sep 2012 17:57:40 +0000 Ironduke 137406@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like it. spot of polish and a funkier headline might help. Love the punchline. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47868#post-137405 Sun, 09 Sep 2012 17:56:57 +0000 Skylarking 137405@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Infamous 'taboo busting' comedian Frankie Boyle issued a distraught plea to the media yesterday; asking to be allowed to finally kill off his TV career. Boyle has requested that his professional-suicide be assisted by a live late night panel show or other similar bad taste comedy vehicle.</p> <p>For the last three years he Glaswegian born stand-up says he has been locked into a body of not-particularly-amusing comedic material. The plea comes after Channel 4 refused to air a pilot show ‘Frankie Chuffin’ Boyle Rips the Piss out of the Paralympics’ for being ‘totally chuffin’ lame – ironically’ according to C4 bosses.</p> <p>‘I want to be able to die with a complete lack of dignity on an edgy Friday night panel show’ begged a clearly agitated Boyle to reporters ‘I long for the warm embrace of medium-sized provincial arts centres. All I want is to be able to put ‘As <strong><em>not</em></strong> seen on TV’ on the posters – is that really too much to ask?’</p> <p>Boyle has already made several attempts on his own TV career: last year he injected his comedy show Tramadol Nights with lethal levels of paedophilia gags. ‘Thankfully we were able to intervene’ explained C4’s head of comedy Shane Allen ‘We cut in a series of deeply unfunny filler sketches before the shows went to air. Thankfully this turned the cocktail from ‘lethal’ to ‘tiresome’. Provided Mr Boyle doesn’t operate any heavy machinery after the shows, he should be perfectly safe.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47806#post-137342 Sat, 08 Sep 2012 19:52:30 +0000 dvo4fun 137342@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love the idea but think it needs slapping about a tad to make it more 'news item -ish' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47806#post-137278 Fri, 07 Sep 2012 22:00:13 +0000 Sir Lupus 137278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>great post - and love "Shelvey Barraclough" - super name... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47806#post-137225 Fri, 07 Sep 2012 09:18:44 +0000 pitflaps 137225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Paralympic athletes are to be assessed according to how culpable they are for their disabilities.</p> <p>Though the competition already possesses a classification system, it only categorizes the type rather than cause of each disability, leaving it dangerously exposed to the sort of moral maze idiots, the Daily Mail or the Moral Maze might get in a huff about.</p> <p>The proposed system would classify each athlete’s injury according to how innocent they were of their affliction and would mean those who couldn’t help not having any legs competing separately from the sort of person who tried to run across a row of partially submerged crocodiles for a drunken bet during their gap year.</p> <p>“Basically, how culpable are you for your predicament?” campaigner, Shelvey Barraclough explained.</p> <p>“Limb or sense loss from fighting in a war for example, would be classified above the same thing happening because you provoked a fight with someone you didn’t know in a pub car park but below being born that way.” </p> <p>“It’s not all that hard: at the top are people born with these conditions or anybody injured in accidents where it’s proved they weren’t in any way to blame.”</p> <p>“At the bottom are drunk drivers, anyone injured whilst skiing, mountaineers told specifically not to climb that bloody great thing in this weather and Australian shark attack victims.”</p> <p>“Obviously we're not blaming anybody for being attacked by a shark,” he added.</p> <p>“But on the other hand, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hold people to account for being Australian.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47569#post-136562 Fri, 31 Aug 2012 21:01:30 +0000 Squudge 136562@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>couldn't quite stretch this to dub participants 'Pareletic'</p> <p>...I'll get my coat </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47569#post-136558 Fri, 31 Aug 2012 20:54:28 +0000 deskpilot3 136558@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lib Dems demand handicapping system for next election. (Main handicap is that broken promise on student fees.....) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47569#post-136525 Fri, 31 Aug 2012 16:23:53 +0000 Squudge 136525@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the wake of the inspirational Paralympics, Nick Clegg has called for a 'Parelection' following the next General Election, to provide a level playing field for politicians of all abilities.</p> <p>"It isn't fair that the same big parties win everything", Clegg said, with a sad face.</p> <p>Vince cable has begun training in anticipation, and is already tipped to win gold in the 'toe-curling dance' event. Nigel Farage however, is expecting stiff competition in his favoured event, the tosspot dressage.</p> <p>Dame Tanni-Grey Thompson is currently unavailable for comment, after reportedly rejecting Clegg's offer to be a 'champion' for the Parelection. A spokesman from LOCOG is quoted as telling Clegg that "no Paralympic athlete will ever be as lame as any of your lot".</p> <p>The BBC have already vowed to ban broadcast of the defiant anthem 'Drasticus Economicus' (penned by Gordon Brown and George Osborne, disadvantaged politicians from mainstream parties), as being 'too close to the bone'.</p> <p>The proposed Parelection logo has already caused some unease for "looking a bit too much like Bart and Lisa Simpson bribing one another". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47470#post-136318 Wed, 29 Aug 2012 20:23:33 +0000 Carter 136318@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>British competitors at the London 2012 Paralympics Games have spoken of their determination to equal the stunning performance of their non-disabled counterparts when it comes to casual sex.</p> <p>'Over 150,000 condoms were distributed in the Olympic Village during the games,' said Matt Franklin, who represents Great Britain in seven a-side football. 'That's fifteen per athlete and I'm sure that over the eleven days of the Paralympics we can use the same amount or do even better.'</p> <p>'To get to the Paralympics you have to sacrifice everything to training,' added cyclist Louisa MacKenzie. 'Sex goes completely out the window. As soon as my event is over I'm making up for lost time. Forget handlebars, only thing these prosthetic arms will be grabbing are bottles of champagne and tight arses.</p> <p>The Paralympic squad are confident that they have what it takes. 'I'm as capable of falling out of Movida drunk at four am and then tweeting a picture of myself naked with a feisty beach volleyball player as anyone,' said wheelchair sprinter, Simon Hawke. 'Though when you're in a wheelchair the falling over part doesn't usually happen 'cept when booze makes you misjudge the curb.'</p> <p>There have been some expressions of disquiet from Olympic officials who are concerned that such promiscuous, party-fuelled behaviour will bring the Paralympics into disrepute. Something the athletes were quick to deny.</p> <p>'That's just balls,' said Franklin. 'Some people like to think of paralympians as humourless, sexless heroes battling against a life of pain and adversity. You want adversity and physical hardship? Try unhooking your girlfriend's bra when you've got severe cerebral palsy.' </p> <p>'It is true that sex might be a bit different,' said Hawke. 'I've got no sensation below my chest but my arms, lips and tongue work just fine so I've never had any complaints from the ladies.'</p> <p>MacKenzie agreed. 'Having a catheter doesn't stop me having great sex, only a bloke who's a crap shag does that.'</p> <p>As the Paralympics continue it remains to be seen whether the British team will be successful in their bid to use up all their condoms but so far they remain on course to break records.</p> <p>'If we fail, it will not be for lack of effort,' said Hawke. 'And if there's any left over we can always have a massive water-fight.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47260#post-135921 Sun, 26 Aug 2012 14:25:25 +0000 pinxit 135921@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What he ^^^^ said. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47260#post-135831 Sat, 25 Aug 2012 17:55:01 +0000 Jonny Shlep 135831@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I came. I saw. I vomited.</p> <p>Once again our glorious Royals are ridiculed, pilloried and roundly cunted off by riff raff and members of the beetle browed, low born proletariat.</p> <p>You sicken me to the very core of my being mate.</p> <p>5! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47260#post-135829 Sat, 25 Aug 2012 16:51:47 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 135829@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Front page!</p> <p>Classic! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47260#post-135754 Fri, 24 Aug 2012 17:46:20 +0000 HIGNFY 135754@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Giggle! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47260#post-135711 Fri, 24 Aug 2012 16:14:35 +0000 Anonymous 135711@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Prince Harry was unceremoniously dumped from the GB Paralympic Dwarf Tossing team today, moments after news of his Las Vegas pool table striptease reached team captain, Mike Tindall at the all-weather training camp inside Balmoral Castle.</p> <p>Breaking off from attempting to toss a 67lb dwarf clean over a Hepplewhite bookcase, Tindall, accused his cousin Harry of letting down the entire Royal Family - by going 'Pool Stripping' in Vegas when he was meant to be on an extensive pre-Paralympic dwarf tossing weekend in Albuquerque.</p> <p>The Queen's holiday home at Balmoral Castle has been at the epicentre of British dwarf tossing ever since her coronation in 1953. But with world-class tosser Prince Philip struggling to regain full fitness after his recent bladder infection, it was hoped that Harry would join Tindall and the in-form Prince Edward to form the nucleus of the GB Paralympic attack.</p> <p>“Dwarf tossing is a highly sophisticated but extremely dangerous Paralympic sport", explained Tindall. So naturally, each of our Team GB dwarves has lost at least one limb in the course of making the odd bad landing in one of Her Majesty's inglenook fireplaces. It takes years of practice and incredible skill for us non-cripples to toss maimed dwarves vast distances without doing further damage.” </p> <p>“All the more reason why Harry should have been fine tuning his technique this weekend - instead of titting about with something completely different.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9541#post-25905 Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:32:56 +0000 sauce 25905@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the real world asthma inhalers are certainly allowed if medical details have been disclosed and approved in advance (well, certainly for archery internationals - so I assume Olympics). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9541#post-25892 Mon, 02 Aug 2010 02:07:18 +0000 BlackAndroid 25892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good idea especially liked: There will also be the competitive waddle over the internationally recognised distance of Bus Stop to McDonalds.<br /> Would asthma inhalers be allowed or would they contavene any drugs prevention of misuse act ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9541#post-25889 Sun, 01 Aug 2010 22:40:49 +0000 dazchief 25889@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"as a genuine diability " ... diability... probably right typo there... most of the fatties would probably collapse reaching for the remote as the thought of watching Athletics would scare the silly.. "isnt hollyoaks on?" i hear them cry!</p> <p>Fatties think a pole vault is a WW2 Prison of war camp. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9541#post-25812 Sun, 01 Aug 2010 10:42:38 +0000 Mrblacker 25812@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The chance of Team GB winning a record haul of medals at the London 2012 Paralympics have received a shot in the arm from the International Olympic Committee.</p> <p>After months of consultation, the IOC has confirmed obesity will be recognised as a genuine diability for the games.</p> <p>"We are sensitive to cultural sensibilities and therefore, with obesity a growing <em>(sic)</em> issue in Western countries, we as a committee have agreed to include sport for fatties at London." IOC spokesman Manuel Ortega told reporters.</p> <p>The new disciplines include the 100m, 200m, 800m and 1500m in a mobility scooter, with an extra event seeing competitors taking part in the 1500m while smoking a JPS Black Superking.</p> <p>There will also be the competitive waddle over the internationally recognised distance of <em>Bus Stop to McDonalds</em> and the <em>Sitting, Puffing and Sweating</em> competition taking place in the Olympic Park itself.</p> <p>Stephanie Chalmers from Paralympic Team GB said it's a step forward for the UK's obese athletes.</p> <p>"For too long they've been forced to watch the olympics from their sofas. Now they'll be able to compete from a specially designed racing sofa and have the chance to be coached by Rik Waller in our Elite Obese Program." </p>