http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=neat-o The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 07:26:23 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57903#post-167912 Wed, 13 Mar 2013 19:08:33 +0000 FlashArry 167912@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>With all eyes focussed on the Vatican, the reality-tainment industry has been awestruck by the procrastination master class currently being played out by the Cardinals in the Sistine Chapel.</p> <p>Aaron Hatcher, presenter of popular talent show 'That's Some Weird Shit You Got Going On There', commented<br /> "It's truly awesome - we've maxed out our dramatic tension with a pause of nearly two minutes before the Big Reveal, but these guys are pushing the envelope out to days, and are still hanging. Fabulous effort. And the whole smoke gimmick ? Kudos"</p> <p>Amos Scherensky, reality TV darling and "Mock the Retard" judge, added "We look like real amateurs against this lot. Hell, they've whipped up the crowd to almost fever pitch and we haven't even seen any of the acts yet" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55369#post-160131 Mon, 28 Jan 2013 23:10:41 +0000 sponge finger 160131@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Quel fromage </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55369#post-160128 Mon, 28 Jan 2013 22:57:38 +0000 topfotogmw 160128@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I am sure the authorities have had an oeuf of them. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55369#post-160126 Mon, 28 Jan 2013 22:55:39 +0000 Squudge 160126@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>v kind - it made NiB</p> <p>I can't quite seem to get past the 'bung' theme on this Neato<br /> <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55422">yet another blockage</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55369#post-160123 Mon, 28 Jan 2013 22:52:11 +0000 custard cream 160123@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>superb - hope it makes the front page! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55369#post-160115 Mon, 28 Jan 2013 22:32:09 +0000 Squudge 160115@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yay (chuffed)<br /> <a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/01/28/uk-borders-agency-accused-of-stuffing-channel-tunnel-with-impatient-visa-applicants/">dodgy bung</a></p> <p>ta ... I couldn't think of how to wedge Eric Pickles in there too, sadly. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55369#post-159993 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:07:58 +0000 sponge finger 159993@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>&lt;Stephen Hawking voice&gt; Ha Ha Ha </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55369#post-159989 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 21:55:15 +0000 Squudge 159989@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The UK Border Agency (UKBA) has today admitted that it has been using the Channel Tunnel as a storage facility for immigrants, after complaints from Eurostar.</p> <p>Some 14,000 applicants, growing at a rate of 700 a month, have already been refused the right to stay in Britain, but are still pleading with the UK Border Agency to reconsider. UKBA started offering those awaiting their cases temporary shelter in the tunnel in 2008, where they had access to their case notes, handily presented in cardboard boxes. Since then the problem appears to have grown.</p> <p>The tunnel has become so constipated with refugees and boxes of paperwork that trains won't fit down the hole any more. The French authorities meanwhile, are complaining that their own illegal immigrants escaping from holding centres, handily close to the border, are being turned away from the tunnel as it is too full and the doors won't close.</p> <p>"The smell is like rotten eggs", sniffed a gallic official, appreciatively.</p> <p>Another 2,100 cases were still waiting for an initial decision at the time of inspection, with some dating back a decade, although the UKBA says these have now been cleared. A spokesman has strenuously denied that the individuals were 'trafficked' to a shady organisation fronted by a Professor Brian Cox, who is alleged to have 'vanished' the immigrants into the Large Hadron Collider. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53797#post-155253 Tue, 25 Dec 2012 17:55:38 +0000 Squudge 155253@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...all over the UK </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154385 Wed, 19 Dec 2012 09:08:49 +0000 Squudge 154385@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>thanks for all the generous comments chaps - and I was a little tempted with Al's 'old lags' but decided that might detract from the dignitiy of the scheme. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154378 Wed, 19 Dec 2012 08:46:36 +0000 Username 154378@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>something to look forward to... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154328 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 23:08:16 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 154328@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Missed this yesterday. Lovely bit of work, with strong imagery. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154156 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 09:14:04 +0000 Sinnick 154156@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I hope the lagging is absorbent. 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154034 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 21:34:20 +0000 waylandsmithy 154034@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely job! Beiing a bit itchy can keep you warm too. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154032 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 21:31:06 +0000 Tess Goes 154032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As my Great Great Stinky Grandfather used to say before global warming "Wherever you roam, may your wind break free"<br /> Moral of the story being, set fire to a pensioners backside and they'll have a nice roasty arse for the rest of their life. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154023 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 21:17:39 +0000 custard cream 154023@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Truly wonderful, max. stars! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154015 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 21:08:33 +0000 Dick Everyman 154015@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely initiative Squudge, kills loads of old birds with one stone... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154014 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 21:07:43 +0000 Al OPecia 154014@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>So that's what "Old Lags" means..... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154012 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 21:05:48 +0000 charlies_hat 154012@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Werthers Originals will go out of business.</p> <p>Nice work Squudge. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-154007 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 21:02:25 +0000 writinginbsl 154007@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>i love this, squudge</p> <p>really visual </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53387#post-153987 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 20:33:42 +0000 Squudge 153987@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In response to the recent government challenge to all energy suppliers, British Gas have unveiled the new 'Winterlude' package for the elderly. The new offer involves a comprehensive care package from British Gas, thus far not advertised in the 'creepy upside down tennis balls' campaign.</p> <p>A spokesman proudly outlined the features of the new Winterlude offering. "The elderly are given a warm supper, lovingly prepared with just the right amount of sedatives, they are then lagged in loft insulation (at least 9 inches deep) then rolled into a safe storage facility for hibernation."</p> <p>"Our trained operatives undertake to revive the customer and service their boiler in the springtime, and for those on the 'premium' tariff, we promise to wake you before August. We do of course, ensure that an agency nurse periodically checks our human charges in the 'Therminator', and we have an engineer set the heating in their house/flat/dwelling to 'constant' (but at an economically low level), so their pipes don't burst while the property is unattended".</p> <p>The governement have applauded the initiative and suggested that subsidies may be available in lieu of winter fuel payments, and indeed, pensions. "Well they won't need it while they are hibernating", said George Osborne. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53300#post-153668 Sun, 16 Dec 2012 10:04:40 +0000 Tess Goes 153668@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've had a lovely Toad in The Hole from Waitrose. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53300#post-153636 Sat, 15 Dec 2012 21:37:30 +0000 FlashArry 153636@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Eventually </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53300#post-153631 Sat, 15 Dec 2012 21:25:20 +0000 Squudge 153631@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If you try that in Waitrose you get asked to leave </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53300#post-153600 Sat, 15 Dec 2012 18:58:27 +0000 Tess Goes 153600@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I never did understand about the Luncheon Vouchers...<br /> Not when you can spank someones sausage anyways. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53300#post-153597 Sat, 15 Dec 2012 18:48:11 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 153597@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"honking and bonking" sounds like a good night in... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53300#post-153591 Sat, 15 Dec 2012 18:23:55 +0000 Squudge 153591@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>cheers 'Arry</p> <p>The concept occurred to me the instant I saw the Neato topic (which is a disturbing admission), but it has taken me all week to get my finger out and do a sub.</p> <p>I did have a couple of lines on a clown called Krusty who lowered the tone of the proceedings with his less salubrious personal services, which alerted the council on hygiene grounds. I thought it was a bit of a distraction and whipped it out. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53300#post-153586 Sat, 15 Dec 2012 17:36:50 +0000 FlashArry 153586@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice post ! Was working on something similar but this is much better - The best gag I had was about Whiteface the Clown being both a character and a service, which shows how bad things were .... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53300#post-153573 Sat, 15 Dec 2012 16:48:54 +0000 Squudge 153573@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Madam Coco the Clown was arrested at her south-west London home last night, accused of running a 'disorderly house', after a rather lengthly 'sting' operation by the Met police.</p> <p>'Party planner' Coco (née Payne) faces nine charges of controlling 'clown prostitutes' and offering 'Comic Relief' services from her surburban home in Streatham. The neighbours have claimed they had no idea of the goings-on behind the chintz curtains.</p> <p>"We would see clown cars turning up at funny times of the night admittedly, and some incongruously posh cars with chaps in respectable suits entering and leaving at odd hours", said one neighbour. "But we thought all that honking and bonking was just normal for clown folk".</p> <p>Members of Madam Coco's coterie of clowns, staunchly loyal, defended the activities at number 32, Ambleside Avenue.</p> <p>A lugubrious young man with a red nose, giving his name as 'Bozo' stated "We were offering therapeutic massages and 'relief' to a loyal clientelle who just happened to like the anonymity of our clown costumes. One senior MP, who we <em>wouldn't</em> want to name if Madame Coco gets sent down, was particularly aroused by our frilly sleeves and oversized clown shoes. He used to say that big shoes turned him on because they 'meant something'. When he was tied up we used to pleasure him with the squirty flower and parpy car horn until he said 'sorry'. Surely in this day and age that is acceptable".</p> <p>Colleagues 'Beppo' and 'Harpo' also angrily denied that money changed hands. "We never charged for our services, we merely accepted charitable donations that then went to worthy causes. Or luncheon vouchers".</p> <p>"We did sling one chap out who got the wrong idea when he wanted Groucho to do a 'Lenny Henry' to him. We wouldn't be that unfunny, not even for a million quid". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52664#post-151669 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 15:54:49 +0000 sigmund 151669@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Imported directly from North Korea, this astonishing little beast will make traffic jams disappear before your very eyes! It will turn BMW drivers into vague approximations of real human beings! See cyclists become considerate road users with a profound regard for the rights of others! Watch as men in white vans drive along motorways with a safe distance between them and the vehicle in front!<br /> This magic car pet will transform your life!<br /> Only $500 from K-tel Heavy Industries, inc. (Pyong Yang). </p>