http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=money The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 19 Jun 2013 17:39:16 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54514#post-157315 Fri, 11 Jan 2013 09:06:19 +0000 rickwestwell 157315@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice idea - anyone else think it should be beefed up into a FP?<br /> Maybe "Gerard Depardieu to star in 'Red Card'"? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54514#post-157307 Fri, 11 Jan 2013 08:36:40 +0000 ionb 157307@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...in which he plays a Frenchman who enters into a marriage of convenience with a high ranking politician in a major Eurasian country...</p> <p>...a number of film endings have been made to ensure that the press don't try to second guess. The director of the film has stated that it is going to be exciting involving a complex interplay between two presidents and Belgium... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46691#post-134329 Sat, 11 Aug 2012 00:32:01 +0000 confuzzled 134329@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The UK government has made an embarrassing blunder after sending £5 million pounds to the oppressive government. A package addressed to "Syria" was meant for the rebel groups to assist the uprising but it never occurred to the Government officials that the package would be sent straight to the Syrian Government.</p> <p>An official statement from the Ministry of Defense says the following, " we somewhat goofed here, sending money to dictators was once a proud tradition of this country. No one would of got all work up about this back in the Gaddafi hay day in the 80's, but times have changed although I hope the rebels know are intentions were good." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45597#post-131216 Thu, 19 Jul 2012 09:40:21 +0000 HenryMJUK 131216@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Partnered by HSBC (The UK’s largest bank, specialists &amp; international experts in the field of washing money) - <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-18880269" rel="nofollow">http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-18880269</a> - a spokesperson for M&amp;S enthused over the new service which is expected to be operating at maximum capacity from day one.</p> <p>“Members” will pay a minimum of £20 per month to access the full range of services. Our flagship product is expected to be the “Service Wash”. It’s quite simple really, just bring in a basket or bag of dirty, used notes &amp; leave them with us for a service wash. Pick up the following day &amp; you will discover crisp, clean &amp; freshly laundered notes.</p> <p>Members can use the service as often as they like and we will also be offering loyalty rewards for referral customers. </p> <p>We cater for all currencies, however, we request members not to submit notes stained with Welsh mud, as strict rules are in place, requiring the hosing off of soiled items prior to leaving the Welsh countryside. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24790#post-67332 Sun, 08 May 2011 08:34:25 +0000 Mrblacker 67332@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The English Premier League says play will start in it's 2011/12 season will begin before the final game of the 2010/11 season has been played.</p> <p>Wolverhampton Wanderers play Blackburn Rovers on the 22nd of May in the last match of the current season, 24hours after Manchester United face Chelsea in the opening game of the new one.</p> <p>"This is ludicrous" Gordon Taylor, the Chief executive of the PFA told reporters. "Yes, our members like playing football, and yes, making them play will keep them out of the nightclubs and bedrooms of third rate topless models, but the non-stop schedule will see more of them injured and spending time on the sidelines, getting drunk and roasting."</p> <p>But Richard Scudamore, the Chief Executive of the Premier League says clubs have brought this on themselves.</p> <p>"We keep being told that more games are what the fans want, and this gives them football throughout the year, without a break. The clubs in the league have to realise that if they take the BskyB millions, they have to dance to their tune. And this is what Mr Murdoch wants, as it's the only thing that makes him money."</p> <p>The fixture list isn't going down well with players, thought. One, who plays for one of the Big Four clubs and didn't want to be identified, told reporters he was less than pleased with it.</p> <p>"It's a crazy number of games to play. How on earth am I supposed to carry on having affairs when I'll be totally exhausted from playing football? I mean, I'm not getting any younger and this schedule could carry me off. And not in a good way." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14736#post-39993 Fri, 29 Oct 2010 07:12:25 +0000 saltire 39993@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You made it to line 2 ? You're getting soft Rik. More stinging criticism.. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14736#post-39986 Thu, 28 Oct 2010 23:06:03 +0000 rikkor 39986@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stopped reading after line 2. "Too long", the stinging criticism I have heard my entire adult life. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14736#post-39975 Thu, 28 Oct 2010 21:39:16 +0000 rickwestwell 39975@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What about dragging in the current resistance to an increased EU budget? eg "British man speaks of anger at being targeted by foreign scammers begging for money", and it turns out to be david cameron being conned by the EU gang at brussels. Would write that up if could be arsed.</p> <p>Anyway, of your two I preferred the prince edward one, agreed it could be 'newsier'.<br /> Trouble is, nigerian emails have been done to death, so it might need to be a weirder angle than just a reverse. Greatly enjoyed the randomness of edward buying a canoe. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14736#post-39963 Thu, 28 Oct 2010 18:50:07 +0000 IABP 39963@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think it would be good to go with something feasible but not a direct opposite of their well known scams ie something more relevant to the UK. </p> <p>I'm not in a position to give advice on a FP though. It would be like Steve Brookstein giving the Rolling Stones advice on longevity in the music business. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14736#post-39960 Thu, 28 Oct 2010 18:33:39 +0000 Sinnick 39960@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not sure, slight preference for the former since it involves HRH et co. Recognised target for humour. The details could be refined a little into more newsie style, IMHO. Definitely got legs, though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14736#post-39959 Thu, 28 Oct 2010 18:21:54 +0000 dogwheels 39959@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Let's have a vote: what works better? Story one or story two?</p> <p><strong>Story one:</strong></p> <p>A Nigerian businessman has spoken of his shock at being conned out of his life's savings by a British gang via e-mail.</p> <p>Kaduna Sawsam, 36, said he received an e-mail from a man claiming to be a prince who needed help transferring money.</p> <p>Police have said that fake e-mails from the UK to Africa trying to scam money from unsuspecting members of the public are on the rise.</p> <p>In this instance, the gang of con artists were masquerading as a member of the royal family. </p> <p>Mr Sawsam, who works in IT and has never had a girlfriend, said: "The prince said his name was Edward and he was from England. I'm so stupid - thinking about it now, I can't believe I was so gullible to believe such a place existed.</p> <p>"This prince Philip said his mother, the Queen, was having some financial trouble and that he wanted to help her out.</p> <p>"He asked me if he could temporarily transfer some money into my bank account and as a reward I would get a cut of the cash.</p> <p>"But when I gave him my details he wiped me out - all $100 dollars of it.</p> <p>"The thing that hurt the most was that he said he wanted to be my friend and that he had chosen me especially because he knew he could trust me. </p> <p>"I'm devastated."</p> <p>Lisa Brown, an expert in international fraud, said: "Unfortunately this sort of con is very common and, in this case, has clearly been pulled by a slick operator. </p> <p>"E-mails will be sent to Nigeria with a ludicrous story from a so-called English prince who needs their help.</p> <p>"Most people are clever enough to know that the royal family are too stupid to know how to send an e-mail, let alone set-up an international money transfer.</p> <p>"Sadly, though, some people do fall for it and the gangs get their money."</p> <p>In other news, the real-life Prince Edward has just bought himself a new canoe. </p> <p><strong>Story two:</strong></p> <p>A Nigerian prince has spoken of his shock after being conned out of all his savings by a gang of scammers in the UK.</p> <p>Prince Kaduna Sawsam said a man called Keith, claiming to be from Sunderland, contacted him via e-mail wanting to be his friend.</p> <p>Prince Kaduna said Keith had found his profile online and thought they could become close friends.</p> <p>As is common in this sort of scam, the gang claimed to have found prince Kaduna online, however he insisted the only online profile he has is his Facebook but said that it was private.</p> <p>Admitting to being the lonely sort, Prince Kaduna struck up a friendship with Keith, who said he was an IT manager in the Civil Service, with the pair swapping e-mails regularly.</p> <p>"But soon into the friendship," the Prince revealed, "Keith e-mailed me saying he had just inherited a fortune from his uncle.</p> <p>"He said that he wanted to avoid paying tax, so asked if he could pay the money into my bank account for a few days and that I could get some of the money." </p> <p>The prince sent 'Keith' his bank details but was amazed to discover the next day that his bank account was empty.</p> <p>"I was devastated," said the prince. "I thought we were friends but he just wanted me for my money.</p> <p>Sharon Shifty, a reformed con artist, said that the prince was just one of many Nigerians now falling for the scammers' tricks.</p> <p>She said: "It would seem that no Nigerian can open his or her e-mail without someone like 'Keith' trying to be-friend them.</p> <p>"Sadly, there are the gullible few who, to be honest, are so stupid they deserve to lose their money."</p> <p>The prince added: "The worst thing is, I'm actually in the same situation now - my father has just been deposed and I need somewhere to hide some money.</p> <p>"Before this happened, I was really hoping Keith could have helped me out." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11701#post-32406 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:20:59 +0000 Genghis Cohen 32406@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And your keyboards both have broken space bars.</p> <p><a href="http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-economy-grinds-to-halt-as-nation-realizes-money,2912/">Could just be coincidence, and at least the text is improvised</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11701#post-32018 Sun, 05 Sep 2010 12:52:24 +0000 RockIsNotNoise 32018@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A triple-dip recession was caused today, as money's worth decreased to nil. The trigger was a debate in Parliament about banking reforms at 12.46pm</p> <p>"We need to reform these banks. Their money..." said an MP. "Money. It's just paper, and plastic." He then got out his wallet and ripped up all his money, and broke his cards. Several other members then stood up and also realised this. </p> <p>At 1.00pm, Prime Minister, David Cameron, gave an emergency address to the nation. He proclaimed that money was worthless bits of paper. The entire populace, also had an epiphany. </p> <p>The revelation was not limited to Britain. At 1.23pm, a well placed phone-call by a UK citizen to his friend in New York, NY, also sparked off an epiphany across the United States, with an emergency address by Obama. </p> <p>The New York Stock Exchange/Wall St. and the FTSE in London's (at 1.30pm) stock ticker then reported that all stocks are of equal worth - i.e. worthless. At 1.31pm, a gunman holding up a Nationwide Bank in Coventry city centre, walked out arm-in-arm with the security guard.</p> <p>Several other people were overjoyed. "I was just about to tell a couple than their loan was unapproved," said HSBC employee, Sara Khan. "but we heard the good news, and I said that it didn't matter!" </p> <p>Several hundred thousand houses, once repossessed by banks, were then given back to their previous owners. </p> <p>At 1.45pm, the entire global financial trade collapsed. </p> <p>How will this new world order affect us?</p> <p>"Well," said James Thornes, a now-jobless-but-enlightened financial expert. "We can always barter. Five carrots for a loaf of bread or something." He paused. "How many carrots is an iPod?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9810#post-26664 Fri, 06 Aug 2010 04:41:55 +0000 Gary Stanton 26664@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hello from Manchester airport. It's too fucking early to be frank, but anyway , do the right thing folks and help make this number one. The editor is away on holiday and while he might be slightly inhibted, I'll do pretty much anything. PM me for details. </p> <p>Bis bald<br /> xxx </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9810#post-26555 Thu, 05 Aug 2010 13:09:33 +0000 Gary Stanton 26555@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is exactly how it happened. Honest. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9810#post-26525 Thu, 05 Aug 2010 11:17:15 +0000 Golgo13 26525@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Trippy </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9810#post-26520 Thu, 05 Aug 2010 11:06:25 +0000 Gary Stanton 26520@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Supermodel Kate Moss is to appear in court later this week to answer charges that she accepted a bag of coal from millionaire tycoon and former Harrods owner Mohammed Al Fayad . </p> <p>Back in 2008 Kate had been shopping at the trendy department store in Knightsbridge, possibly attracted by their new range of dirty stuff for the bedroom or, more disappointingly, probably just eye-liner, when it is believed the gorgeous star managed to attract the attention of the then owner Muhammed Al Fayed who was helping out on one of the tills due to a shortage of holiday cover. </p> <p>The following morning she, and no doubt one of her sexy girlfriends who wasn’t wearing very much, awoke after what was probably a pretty hefty session with all sleep in their eyes and stuff, at the nearby 3-star Grovesnor hotel to a knock on the door and opened it to a couple of gentlemen of slightly foreign appearance. The men then passed her the bag with the words: ‘A gift for you. Although if you want our opinion, it looks a bit shit.’ They then stood around idly for a few minutes before one of them added:</p> <p>‘Is that your friend? She looks nice. I guess you’re just friends though aren’t you. I mean you’d tell us if there was something more going on right? ‘ </p> <p>After Kate had slammed the door in their faces she turned to her friend, let’s call her Jasmine, and said : ‘What do you suppose this is? ‘ </p> <p>Jasmine, who was already undressed ready for the shower and holding one of those little soap things you get in hotels, skipped across the room causing her blond ringlets to bounce coquettishly and replied: </p> <p>‘Hang on a minute – didn’t you go shopping in Harrods yesterday?’ To which Kate replied: ‘Why yes!’ ‘That’s it then. It must have come from Al Fayed,’ said Jasmine .<br /> ‘Now that you mention it – he was working on the till. And he did look at me in a strange way, as though he wanted to speak to me, but he was too busy fumbling with a calculator so I thought fuck it,’ Kate mumbled with a finger in her mouth, eyeing her friend’s delicious contours. </p> <p>Coal is an extremely controversial substance since the eighties miners’ strike when the fascist dictatorship of the time claimed it was uneconomical to provide a living for thousands of families and launched a nationwide campaign to shaft every miner, his wife, his extended family, his community and finally his sense of worth before turning its anger on any family pets he hadn’t already been forced to stick in a blender and digest as a kind of energy drink, including guinea pigs and stuff like that which are dead cute and sometimes squeak when you open the fridge door. </p> <p>The case follows many recent incidents where someone who’s quite good-looking has been offered something that looks like a pile of toss by somebody with lots of money.</p> <p>The judge is expected to ask Kate whether she was aware that the substance contained inside the bag was, in fact, coal and what happened in the moments immediately after she removed her finger from her mouth and whether or not the shower was big enough for two people. The trial is expected to last five months. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5519#post-15038 Wed, 02 Jun 2010 14:35:24 +0000 MingtheMerciless 15038@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/79/US_%2420_Series_2006_Obverse.jpg/220px-US_%">Responding to the complexity of the current global economic crisis, Timothy Geithner, US Secretary of the Treasury, reiterated the Obama administration's commitment to press ahead with the elimination of money as a medium of exchange. "The whole thing has gotten out of hand," Geithner said. "No one can sort out whose derivative is derived from what any more," he continued, "so we've decided greater transparency can only be had by returning to exchanges of animal pelts, coloured beads, shiny glass and such like. Simply put, you've got your thing of value in hand or you've not. Forget banks - all smoke and mirrors, that. We hope to have the deed done in time for the holiday season." </p> <p>ATM manufacturers have raised concerns that new requirements to dispense pelts, glass and related objects of value would likely exceed the capabilities of the current generation of equipment. "In particular, storing and dispensing living things would present unique challenges to the industry," said Dennis Hoop, chief engineer at IBM.</p> <p>Accountants, too wonder how companies would transform cash assets to a form compatible with the envisioned simplification. Eric Gurst, chairman of the Ofuscation Committee of the AICPA reports that his group has fretted over appropriate nomenclature for what used to be called simply 'cash.' "What shall we call this category of asset?," he puled. "'Hoard?' 'Things I think have value but maybe you don"t'? It simply isn't clear. People will be misled and confused." When reminded that a similar situation currently obtains, Gurst replied "One doesn't improve things by simply renaming them."</p> <p>In Paris, the move by Geithner and the Obama admininstration was viewed not surprisingly with abject contempt. Lillian du Vuerst-Fitte snipped "We will not sell 'haute couture' to cowboys slinging road kill at us." When it was suggested that creations of French design houses might themselves become fungible she remarked "We do not have problems with fungus here."</p> <p>Germans, with the support of their Irish EU brethren, have cautiously embraced Geithner's proposal, with a potentially significant modification. "We think the medium of exchange should be beer," the EU's Joint Commission on What's Really Valuable said in a prepared statement. "Indeed, it doesn't have quite the shelf life of cash, but long shelf life for beer has never been a problem, for us, anyway. It's an asset with no liquidity problems, and easily transformed into other admittedly less valuable but nonetheless equally liquid assets."</p> <p>Other suggested candidates for the medium of exchange are vodka (Russia), curry (India), and one-tonne megaliths (Yap). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1136#post-2883 Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:15:59 +0000 virtuallywill 2883@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>more later </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=886#post-2278 Sun, 14 Mar 2010 09:27:57 +0000 ronseal 2278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Geldof denies 95 per cent of high street is now controlled by Hugger forces </p>