http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=miners The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 16:39:12 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13961#post-37835 Wed, 13 Oct 2010 08:16:22 +0000 Oxbridge 37835@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It was the miracle the watching world had scarcely dared dream about. But finally, yesterday, a ghastly ordeal came to an end as a group of 68 stranded journalists were airlifted away from their prison in Chile's Atacama desert.</p> <p>'You can't imagine it,' said the BBC's Matt Frei, from aboard a Royal Navy Sea King helicopter. 'Over two months of endless heat and boredom, hundreds of miles from the nearest bar. Sometimes we had to huddle together in the dark trying to keep each other's spirits up by memories of our expense accounts.'</p> <p>True, every journalist knows the perils that go with the job: the long hours, the monotony of repeating pieces to camera that have gone wrong first time, the very real risk of suffocating under a mountain of cliches. For many of the trapped men, however, their Oxbridge education, their amorality and the ability to type give them no other options in life.</p> <p>'The hardest thing was knowing that the real world was so close by,' added ITN's Michael Brunson. 'There were even several dozen local women hanging around the camp and all of their husbands and boyfriends were away, for some reason we never quite picked up, but not a single one of them was putting out. Quite bizarre.'</p> <p>The journalists to a man said that they were relieved to be out and are looking forward to rejoining their loved ones in the Garrick Club this evening. Despite it all, most remain committed to their jobs and are looking forward to their next assignment, covering breaking reports of a traffic jam in the Maldives. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11196#post-30597 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 10:42:09 +0000 Sharpehunter 30597@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stunning! 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11196#post-30587 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 10:07:53 +0000 Griffin 30587@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11196#post-30585 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 09:48:42 +0000 Duncan Biscuit 30585@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30353 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:26:56 +0000 Hunter F. Thompson 30353@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mr Rik Kor is in a somnolent, replete phase, at the moment, having grawed away the vitals of the last Debutant. Don't mention his name too often: walls have ears. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30329 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 14:49:36 +0000 island1 30329@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is going far too well—I suspect a trap. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30327 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 14:28:25 +0000 sauce 30327@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent debut. Don't worry - Rikkor's a pussycat, really (certainly compared to Joan, RIP). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30324 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 14:13:20 +0000 Oxbridge 30324@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Welcome indeed. The best debut in a long while. Surely 5* and a front page beckon. Bastard. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30298 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:37:35 +0000 Ostsee 30298@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>V.good. Welcome! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30291 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:07:06 +0000 island1 30291@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What kind and handsome people you are. I fear this 'Rikkor' of whom you speak. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30279 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 11:28:28 +0000 Hunter F. Thompson 30279@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote> "Moving heavy financial instruments into place would take months and, frankly, we're busy saving our own arses at the moment."</blockquote></p> <p>So true. I especially enjoyed the fantasy of diligent and earnest government and relief supplies begin pumped in round the clock.</p> <p>A word of warning, however: the higher the initial score, the more severe the initiation ceremony which cannot be scheduled until the mandatory health and safety inspection has been carried out. You may expect to receive your medical appointment by snailmail within the next 45 days. </p> <p>All the best: and here is a well-deserved 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30272 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:50:58 +0000 jp1885 30272@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hello!<br /> A nice opening article Mr. Island - have 5 stars as a welcoming pressie.<br /> Now report to the dungeon for your initiation ceremony - Rikkor will be along shortly. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11075#post-30270 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:45:00 +0000 island1 30270@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Contact has finally been established with 53 million people trapped under a collapsed debt mountain in a struggling first world country. The beleaguered consumers are said to be alive and fairly well informed about celebrity gossip, despite not having been able to afford their Sky subscriptions for the past 14 months.</p> <p>Rescuing the trapped, who are sheltering on a small rainy island just 240,000 square kilometres in area, may take years, financial mining experts have warned. "Of course, we're not going to tell the poor bastards that," said the chief of rescue operations. "Moving heavy financial instruments into place would take months and, frankly, we're busy saving our own arses at the moment."</p> <p>Video contact was established Sunday through a narrow tunnel illuminated with false hope. "It was heartening to see the bewildered incomprehension in their eyes," said rescuers. The good citizens, stuck some 900 billion pounds inside the mountain, sent a note to the surface that simply read "WTF!"</p> <p>Consulting psychologists and disaster pundits have been offering advice to the trapped: "Tighten you belts, make do and mend and construct wild fantasies about the government doing all they can to get you out," they quipped. Super strength cider, daytime television and a moralising tone are being pumped into the debt dungeon round the clock.</p> <p>33 miners trapped 700 metres underground in Chile are said to be cheered by the news. "And I thought we were in trouble!" chuckled one. In a statement Monday the Chilean government announced that it has halted rescue operations and decided to let the miners dig themselves out since: "they are bloody miners after all!"</p> <p>- - - - - - - - - - - </p> <p>I'm new. Hello! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9810#post-26664 Fri, 06 Aug 2010 04:41:55 +0000 Gary Stanton 26664@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hello from Manchester airport. It's too fucking early to be frank, but anyway , do the right thing folks and help make this number one. The editor is away on holiday and while he might be slightly inhibted, I'll do pretty much anything. PM me for details. </p> <p>Bis bald<br /> xxx </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9810#post-26555 Thu, 05 Aug 2010 13:09:33 +0000 Gary Stanton 26555@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is exactly how it happened. Honest. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9810#post-26525 Thu, 05 Aug 2010 11:17:15 +0000 Golgo13 26525@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Trippy </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9810#post-26520 Thu, 05 Aug 2010 11:06:25 +0000 Gary Stanton 26520@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Supermodel Kate Moss is to appear in court later this week to answer charges that she accepted a bag of coal from millionaire tycoon and former Harrods owner Mohammed Al Fayad . </p> <p>Back in 2008 Kate had been shopping at the trendy department store in Knightsbridge, possibly attracted by their new range of dirty stuff for the bedroom or, more disappointingly, probably just eye-liner, when it is believed the gorgeous star managed to attract the attention of the then owner Muhammed Al Fayed who was helping out on one of the tills due to a shortage of holiday cover. </p> <p>The following morning she, and no doubt one of her sexy girlfriends who wasn’t wearing very much, awoke after what was probably a pretty hefty session with all sleep in their eyes and stuff, at the nearby 3-star Grovesnor hotel to a knock on the door and opened it to a couple of gentlemen of slightly foreign appearance. The men then passed her the bag with the words: ‘A gift for you. Although if you want our opinion, it looks a bit shit.’ They then stood around idly for a few minutes before one of them added:</p> <p>‘Is that your friend? She looks nice. I guess you’re just friends though aren’t you. I mean you’d tell us if there was something more going on right? ‘ </p> <p>After Kate had slammed the door in their faces she turned to her friend, let’s call her Jasmine, and said : ‘What do you suppose this is? ‘ </p> <p>Jasmine, who was already undressed ready for the shower and holding one of those little soap things you get in hotels, skipped across the room causing her blond ringlets to bounce coquettishly and replied: </p> <p>‘Hang on a minute – didn’t you go shopping in Harrods yesterday?’ To which Kate replied: ‘Why yes!’ ‘That’s it then. It must have come from Al Fayed,’ said Jasmine .<br /> ‘Now that you mention it – he was working on the till. And he did look at me in a strange way, as though he wanted to speak to me, but he was too busy fumbling with a calculator so I thought fuck it,’ Kate mumbled with a finger in her mouth, eyeing her friend’s delicious contours. </p> <p>Coal is an extremely controversial substance since the eighties miners’ strike when the fascist dictatorship of the time claimed it was uneconomical to provide a living for thousands of families and launched a nationwide campaign to shaft every miner, his wife, his extended family, his community and finally his sense of worth before turning its anger on any family pets he hadn’t already been forced to stick in a blender and digest as a kind of energy drink, including guinea pigs and stuff like that which are dead cute and sometimes squeak when you open the fridge door. </p> <p>The case follows many recent incidents where someone who’s quite good-looking has been offered something that looks like a pile of toss by somebody with lots of money.</p> <p>The judge is expected to ask Kate whether she was aware that the substance contained inside the bag was, in fact, coal and what happened in the moments immediately after she removed her finger from her mouth and whether or not the shower was big enough for two people. The trial is expected to last five months. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2990#post-8780 Thu, 22 Apr 2010 08:13:55 +0000 Ludicity 8780@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chirpy thanks and a complimentary cuttlebone to you all. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2990#post-8708 Wed, 21 Apr 2010 18:40:23 +0000 Hunter F. Thompson 8708@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Go for the cuttlebone: 5. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2990#post-8682 Wed, 21 Apr 2010 16:45:06 +0000 MightyBlair 8682@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Again, brilliant. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2990#post-8629 Wed, 21 Apr 2010 12:33:06 +0000 Ludicity 8629@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>All airlines will be expected to attach a ‘safety canary’ to the nose cone of their planes to provide an early warning system against flying into clouds of dangerous volcanic ash, say the Civil Aviation Authority.</p> <p>‘The system is foolproof,’ said Transport Secretary, Lord Adonis, ‘the canary sings along happily to itself as the plane travels at thirty thousand feet but if they enter an ash cloud the little bird starts to cough and splutter. This tells the pilot that it may be time to change course.’</p> <p>However, animal lovers say that it is cruel to use canaries, especially in longer transatlantic flights. ‘These creatures are being shamelessly exploited,’ said animal rights campaigner, Carla Lane, ‘what kind of life is it for these defenceless little birds to be locked up in a cage and left swinging from the nose cone of a Boeing 737?’</p> <p>Lord Adonis rejected the criticism. ‘For most domestic canaries this is the best chance they will ever get to fly. They will see the world and be given as much cuttlebone as they can eat.’</p> <p>However, the unions remain unconvinced. ‘These safety canaries might sound like a good idea,’ said UNITE leader, Tony Woodley, ‘but they are unfocused birds who are easily distracted by jingly bells and their own reflection. Our members would prefer to see the use of tried and tested 'safety coal miners'. The Welsh variety can sing hymns non-stop for periods of 24 hours or more, which is ideal for long haul flights, and the lungs of a miner are specially attuned to identifying all the many varieties of dust.’</p> <p>Lord Adonis said that people should rejoice in the fact that the new safety measures mean that planes can once again take to the skies. ‘These canaries are a victory for common sense,’ he said, ‘and if any of them do die they also make a tasty alternative to airline food.’ </p>