http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=miliband The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 18:15:26 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61411#post-178589 Fri, 17 May 2013 20:21:03 +0000 Alfred Noakes 178589@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fred Burgess of The Association of Chief Police Officers today criticised the government over its open support for the activity of the notorious ‘Dambusters’ bombers.</p> <p>Mr Burgess commented ‘At a time when the police are urging the public to be ever vigilant against the terrorist threat, Mr Cameron is holding fly pasts and galas: this group of ruthless professionals reeked death and destruction upon thousands of innocent Europeans in a war of terror campaign destroying lives and property. </p> <p>A representative of the terror cell, a man calling himself Barnes Wallis stated ‘We were freedom fighters struggling against an evil, oppressive Nazi regime’. Mr Burgess however responded by saying ‘this is the type of rhetoric we often hear, typical of the 9/11 terrorists’.</p> <p>The move comes at a time when David Cameron is trying to distance himself from Europe. UKIP leader Nigel Farage commented ‘The Tories are running scared on Europe and this blatant support for a dissident group, active in Germany, is a knee-jerk reaction to try and regain votes lost to UKIP in the local elections. </p> <p>Ed Miliband also taunted the government in the House of Commons on the issue by placing his finger and thumb together, upside down over his eyes and singing ‘Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah’. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42117#post-120356 Thu, 26 Apr 2012 16:06:40 +0000 HenryMJUK 120356@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ed: I'm baffled as to why he would actually be allowed to do this, didn't I make it clear (insisted) that he should resign after Tuesdays Red Card incident. I don't read The Sun, I get 'others' to read it for me, so I don't actually know if they printed my letter to the editor and my mate Rupert is a bit busy just now and hasn't replied to any of the emails I have sent him asking, no telling him, to campaign and garner public support for UEFA to reverse this crazy decision.</p> <p>It's like this, what he did was unacceptable, outrageous - it's as if he elected to opt out of loosing another Champions League Cup Final - how embarrasing would that have been? You would never expect the Labour Party to back away from a guaranteed defeat, would you?</p> <p>... whats more and for example, and closer to home, this just wouldn't be allowed during PMQ's in the House of Commons, imagine Ed Balls sneeking up behind and kneeing George Osborne. What is worse, he (JT) is the multimillionaire captain of the BLUE team, just like Cameron is captain of the BLUE team, why hasn't he responded to my demand for him to resign - BTW I've never seen him (JT) on the green benches, where does he usually sit? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42022#post-120084 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 19:40:15 +0000 HenryMJUK 120084@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>..... he has already !</p> <p>..... (Miliband)good somebody is listening to me at last. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37982#post-107286 Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:17:44 +0000 kimllfixit 107286@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is actually based on a real story!</p> <p><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-16750583" rel="nofollow">http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-16750583</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37982#post-107285 Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:16:01 +0000 kimllfixit 107285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ed Miliband this morning took a bashing from government and news officials, as his main swipe at David Cameron was solely that he hadn’t confronted the sales of cut-price Terry’s Chocolate Oranges like he’d promised. Back in 2006 Cameron promised to address the issues of obesity caused by WH Smith’s sales of Chocolate Oranges for £1, instead of selling real oranges however he has yet to do so.</p> <p>Miliband’s attack on the unaddressed policy included the quote, “If he can't sort out the chocolate orange, he's not going to sort out the train companies, the energy companies, the banks, is he?" – a statement laughed off for clearly being aimed at the readers of the Daily Mail.</p> <p>“There’s a global recession going on, yet he wants to wail on about 6 year old sweet issues,” noted a Conservative back-bencher, “It’s like he’s realised he’s run out of things to say and just fancies a crowd pleaser”.</p> <p>In an interview outside the Houses of Parliament, anti-capitalist protestor Kelly Taylor noted that she’d “prefer that Cameron’s time was being targeted at sorting out the country’s financial problems than dicking around with how much a snack costs”. Taylor added that she had been unemployed since 2008, and discount Chocolate Oranges had been her staple diet.</p> <p>However, extremist preacher Abu Hamza was supportive of Miliband’s attack on the PM’s unfulfilled promise. “Have you any idea how hard it is to open a Chocolate Orange with a hook for a hand?! Give me a cheap real orange to slice any day.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30977#post-87301 Sun, 25 Sep 2011 17:59:30 +0000 kga6 87301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Political activists Labour have put a bee in the bonnet of hat shops this week by announcing that if they were in charge, they would pledge a free baseball cap for all students applying to courses with the maximum £9000 fee in place.</p> <p>‘Students are currently facing hard times’, said Ed Miliband, whose in-built sun-guarding quiff and eyebrow combination would make him ineligible to receive the free hat. ‘The least we can do is provide a complimentary cap for students who might otherwise be blinded by the glittering riches they watch go past.’ The cap will, however, have to be returned by those that earn over £65,000 a year. Miliband admitted that the first plan had been to provide a balaclava but noted that many students had already owned one since the coalition took power.</p> <p>The NUS immediately donned it's Campaign hat, claiming Miliband was just looking to ‘capitalise’ on current unrest. ‘This is nothing short of mockery. The little sun the Government does provide in Britain doesn't make owning a peaky (baseball) cap worthwhile, especially not once you've paid the national insurance to cover your head in case it blows away.’</p> <p>Hat shop owners countrywide are brimming with anger. ‘We're already in the maximum tax hair band and this move will force us to pass the hat to stay afloat. We depend on the sale of our coveted thinking caps to students.’ Would-be student G. Birtwhistle claimed he had mixed feelings on the matter. ‘Where is the money for the caps coming from? My 4 year Batchelor's degree in hat-making won't be worthwhile if all the hat shops are forced to close due to the increased corporate taxation required to fund the caps.’</p> <p>David Cameron, who secretly thinks it's a great idea but won't admit it, reacted cagily. ‘If they’re not up to something, I’ll eat my hat. The next election is years away, but they've already started the game. Well, I've got something up my sleeve.’ When pressed further he revealed little. ‘I don't want to give too much away, but think Tommy Cooper.’ Nick Clegg, wearer of many hats, was unavailable for comment, as it was his turn (again) to sit in the corner wearing the dunce cap.</p> <p>Whilst a shift of policy may be on the horizon, we currently can’t see it due to the glare. So for now we'll have to stick to the so-called Caps-Lock situation. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27755#post-76600 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 08:22:50 +0000 Fred Bayr 76600@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ed Miliband’s chief adviser was today forced out of the closet which contained his blue ties, blue socks and a David Willets blow up doll. Since taking over as leader in September, Miliband has been advised by Rory Nichols, now exposed as an undercover Conservative party member sabotaging Labour.</p> <p> Journalists from Wapping Worldwide revealed the Tories’ deplorable antics.</p> <p> The paper’s staff are tied into contracts until either their death or the paper’s closure and are only remunerated with free copies (to increase distribution). Being desperate to meet the same fate as News of The World, they decided to get in on the hacking scandal. Having hacked Paul Daniels’ phone and discovered that for all these years his “magic wand “has been a sickening euphemism guising intentions Garry Glitter would approve of, the paper decided not to publish the revelations. “They were in the public interest and thus justified the hacking”, reporter Ronnie Higgins told us. “We needed something below the belt. We considered hiring a private detective to kill a schoolgirl, then hiring a private investigator to hack her phone but we think the public are now desensitized to hacking dead children’s phones”.</p> <p> In the end the best they could get was Rory Nichols. Messages were left from Oliver Letwin advising Nichols to “tell the dim witted Harry Potter extra lookalike: a blank sheet of paper is the best policy; bring back that bafoon Balls as shadow chancellor; abolish voting for a shadow cabinet and hire Neil Kinnoch to advise on engaging red tops”.</p> <p> Margaret Thatcher left a message saying: “tell him to pull his pants down next time he’s on the BBC”. Doctors say she does not have dementia yet, which is worrying.</p> <p> A message from poor old Miliband himself reveals his depressing ignorance of the country’s workings. Regarding Mervyn King, whom he asked Rory to invite to join his PR team, he says: “I’ve heard he’s got special powers that can increase people’s interest rates”. </p> <p> Unsurprisingly no one of importance from the Tory party was available to talk but we did bump into Ken Clarke outside his local Indian. He said, “I’m utterly disgusted and betrayed by Rory’s behaviour. If he’s going to have a blow up doll of a withering Tory it should be me”! </p> <p> David Cameron, another unimportant Tory, told us “Miliband, or anyone for that matter who is obviously lying through their teeth about unethical practices should be given a second chance...” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27337#post-75191 Sun, 03 Jul 2011 21:13:34 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 75191@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The interview itself that OllieP posted the link to is the funniest thing I've seen in ages. So this made me smile because it reminded me of that. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27337#post-75184 Sun, 03 Jul 2011 20:46:31 +0000 Mr Payne 75184@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I started reading this thinking it would be shit. But I laughed quite a lot - probably not because of the writing, but because Ed Miliband was such a dick. It's the comedy equivalent of Tina Fey repeating the words Sarah Palin had said and them being arse-splittingly amusing. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27337#post-75178 Sun, 03 Jul 2011 20:30:27 +0000 Edward Cain 75178@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>For the perusal and consumption of NewsBiscuit writers, here's the transcript of my interview with not-Ed Miliband (which I originally posted over at <a href="http://www.threelinewhippet.com" rel="nofollow">http://www.threelinewhippet.com</a> ):<br /> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p> <p><em>Three Line Whippet</em> has been granted unprecedented access to the private life of Ed Miliband, Labour Party leader and Doncaster’s premier automaton. I met him in his constituency home on a day when teachers’ strikes dominated the news agenda (an issue which I had resolved to avoid after Ed’s last interviewer had to be slapped out of a nine-hour coma).</p> <p>After an awkward introduction involving the malfunction and eventual breakdown of his handshaking arm, Ed led me through the house and onto the garden terrace. He gestured with his still-sparking right hand for me to take a seat.</p> <p>“It was a nightmare getting up that hill on my bike!” I commented, opening the conversation.<br /> “Did you say strike?” replied Ed, with a kind of nasal excitement.<br /> “No.”</p> <p>He looked disappointed. There was an awkward silence. We continued, looking intently down at the crazy paving, until I offered him a cigarette.</p> <p>“Lucky Strike?”</p> <p>It was only a split-second before I realised my fatal error, but Miliband’s eyes had already gained a metallic glint. There was nothing I could do.</p> <p>“These strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on. But parents and the public have been let down by both sides, because the government has acted in a reckless and provocative manner. After today’s disruption, I urge both sides to put aside the rhetoric, get round the negotiating table, and stop it happening again.”</p> <p>I woke up, aware only of a faint whirring sound coming from somewhere behind Ed’s left ear. I made no response, keen not to give him any encouragement to expand further on the subject. Time to move on, I thought.</p> <p>“So what have you been doing this week?” I asked plaintively.<br /> “This week I have been pressing the message that these strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on. But parents and the public have been let down by both sides, because the government has acted in a reckless and provocative manner. After today’s disruption…”</p> <p>I believe that he pontificated on this vein for some time, but I became distracted by the sudden urge to knaw at my fist. After using a passing cat to soak up the blood from my now ragged stump of a writing hand, I began again on a different tack:</p> <p>“How do you relax in the evenings?”<br /> “ I like to think over the day’s pertinent issues, particularly how these current strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on. But parents and the public have been let down by…”</p> <p>I was once more diverted, this time by the growing realisation that the cat had now stopped breathing. I determined to grip it less hard in future.</p> <p>“Congratulations on your recent marriage,” I interjected desperately. “How is this new life treating you both?”<br /> “I urge both sides to put aside their rhetoric and stop it happening again.”</p> <p>Ed’s answer seemed familiar and confused, but I was so relieved to finally escape his extended monologues about the teachers’ strikes that I ploughed on regardless.</p> <p>“And how did you ‘pop the question’?”<br /> “I said to her, ‘after last night’s disruption both sides must get round the negotiating table in a reckless and provocative manner.’”</p> <p>In a futile attempt to salvage my pay packet, I turned to Miliband’s upbringing. I asked him whether he thought his family circumstances had made him the man he is today.</p> <p>“My father, Dead Miliband, instilled in us an unwavering commitment to diplomatic resolution. He would have said that these current strikes are wrong at a time when…”</p> <p>I had no wish to continue this painful interview. Briefly I calculated the consequences that would ensue if the adjacent pot of peonies were given an airborne trajectory. Encouraged by this beautiful daydream, I approached Miliband’s problem directly.</p> <p>“Thousands of Facebook users have ‘liked’ an embarrassing video of your robotic interview with the BBC earlier today. Does this raise questions about your ability to communicate effectively?”<br /> “These ‘likes’ are inappropriate at a time when-”</p> <p>Ed’s answer was cut short by the concurrent outbreak of a fire between his legs. Normally I would diagnose the cause as last night’s dodgy curry, but in this instance I deemed that the more fitting explanation had something to do with the cigarette lighter I had just thrown at him. He blinked frantically, and as I made my swift getaway I’m sure he shouted strictly-rehearsed expletives to the effect that I had acted in a reckless and provocative manner… </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25914#post-70850 Fri, 03 Jun 2011 17:38:22 +0000 pthr 70850@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love the Cameroon Nights ref. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25914#post-70533 Thu, 02 Jun 2011 06:49:46 +0000 Al OPecia 70533@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cameron Obscura </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25914#post-70530 Thu, 02 Jun 2011 05:45:36 +0000 mongeese 70530@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It emerged yesterday that Downing Street wordsmiths have been experimenting with a range of political branding ideas after the Prime Minister and former PR man, David Cameron, was reported as being unhappy that he does not yet have his name stamped onto a major political strategy. </p> <p>A spokesman for Number 10 commented: "The idea is that if we can pin Mr Cameron's name onto a snappy sounding political idea then we can get past this idea that the Prime Minister is just another opportunistic waffle-bag politician. If after that we can then come up with some real policy ideas then so much the better. We just want to make the Prime Minister happy."</p> <p>The spokesman went on to say: "Reagan had Reaganomics, Thatcher had Thatcherism. Obama's only been around for five minutes and he's already got Obamanomics and Obamacare. We just haven't been able to nail Mr Cameron's name on to anything yet. But we will."</p> <p>Rejected candidate policy brands so far include the tongue-twisting <em>Camerononomics</em> and the unfortunate <em>Cameronics</em>. "We feared <em>Cameronics</em> might simply be shortened to <em>Moronics</em>", remarked the spokesman.</p> <p>Cameroonite was considered a possible candidate to reflect the PM's overall style of politics until a resemblance was noticed with the name of the steamy 1970's blaxploitation movie <em>Cameroon Nights</em>.</p> <p>"It's a lot harder that you think," said the PM's spokesman, his voice bordering on the whingy. "Mr Cameron's getting really grumpy about this. We can't even call anything simply <em>Dave</em> - everyone would think it was something to do with some lad-oriented TV channel."</p> <p>A Labour spokesman last night responded: "This is typical empty posturing by Mr Cameron. The Labour Party has got at least half a dozen brilliant words for a Miliband led strategy," although the spokesman refused to give examples.</p> <p>"And the handy thing is," concluded the Labour spokesman, "we can still use these as ideas when Ed is kicked out of the leadership job by his brother David." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18933#post-51118 Thu, 23 Dec 2010 14:42:59 +0000 MC One R 51118@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Overused words "Chaos", "Cold-snap", "Untrustworthy" and "LibDem" have announced they are looking forward to a quiet Christmas break after a hectic couple of weeks, by spending the festive period at The Independent.</p> <p>"They've been rushed off their font" said their spokesman, "hopefully come January the snow will have cleared and Ed Miliband will have arsed something up, which will give some new, up-and-coming words a chance to get a front page." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13982#post-37894 Wed, 13 Oct 2010 12:54:37 +0000 flyerblade 37894@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Labour party needs a higher energy leader to form government.</p> <p>Critics argue dangers of moving the party to the far "infra-Ed".</p> <p>Proponents say question time will get more throughput with a higher milibandwidth whilst critics voice concerns the debates will heat up further as a result. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13203#post-35904 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 19:29:46 +0000 SingingHinny 35904@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>David Miliband has denied quitting front-line politics so that he can throw stuff at his younger brother from the back benches. Mr. Miliband announced his decision to retire from the shadow cabinet after his younger brother defeated him in the party’s leadership election. Mr. Miliband went on to strenuously deny that he had any resentment towards his brother:</p> <p>‘There is a risk that if I were to remain in the shadow cabinet the party maybe destabilised by constant interrogation of our relationship. I hope and believe that Ed will lead this party into government once again, and don’t want to be the reason he is ripped to shreds by the media, painfully humiliated in future elections and forced to admit he was wrong to court the unions. Therefore, I absolutely refute any suggestion that I plan to disrupt proceedings from the back,” he said whilst apparently palming a pea-shooter to his wife.</p> <p>‘I am also very excited about spending more time with my children and I am really looking forward to helping them develop and learn; I make brilliant paper aeroplanes and even better spit balls; I can’t wait to get some practice in.’</p> <p>Outsiders remain sceptical, however, after several reports of frosty off-camera encounters between the brothers. According to one senior aide, David Miliband was forced to sit on the naughty step after stealing Ed’s packed lunch, putting salt in the new leader’s coffee and subjecting him to a particularly brutal onslaught of humming during a party briefing. </p> <p>Senior party officials have also denied rumours that Ed Miliband has resorted to wearing an elastic school tie after David Miliband and Diane Abbot jumped him in a corridor at the Manchester Central conference centre, ‘wedgied’ him and pulled his tie so tight his mother had to cut it off. </p> <p>Yet, whilst no-one from within the party has been able to quell suggestions that the David may attempt to stir discontent amongst the old-New Labour contingent, Ed Miliband himself has reached out to his brother saying ‘My door is always open for him. Or at least it will be until he starts doing what he is told and stops calling Harriet Harmon a “fat slag.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13181#post-35823 Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:05:44 +0000 euanc 35823@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>New red leader for old style socialist party. North Korea ready for next generation - more soon </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4526#post-12720 Fri, 14 May 2010 21:16:39 +0000 themews 12720@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Labour party have recently announced radical plans to renormalise the political spectrum by ushering in their new political unit, the milliband (abbreviated to 'mb'). In doing so they have paved the way for all future political memberships to be easily quantified.</p> <p>"It was clear that we seriously lacked a unit of measurement for our politicans" Harriet Harman, acting leader for the Labour party said last night, "No one really knew exactly what a Brown was worth, or even a Cameron compared to a Clegg. British politics needed a real shake up, and that's when we conceived of the milliband".</p> <p>Each milliband is worth about 1000 microbands, each of which is worth 1000 nanobands. Under the new system, it is estimated that a Cameron is 10 microbands, one Balls is about 100 nanobands, with one Hague trailing far behind at about 3 femtobands (1/1000 of a nanoband).</p> <p><img src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2006/09/milibandG270906_228x302.jpg"></p> <p>This new definition has left political opponents sweating.</p> <p>"This doesn't bode well for the new coalition" said one Liberal Democrat MP, who wished to remain anonymous,"Up until now, the amount of politics we had was never clear. But now we can easily draw comparisons between our respective parties. It became quickly obvious that across the entire coalition, we didn't even have a single milliband between us."</p> <p>The Prime Minister declined to comment on this bombshell, but the work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan smith wasn't so reluctant to express his dismay. "In a stark comparison to the conservatives, The Labour party seems to have an excess of millibands. This news is the opposite of what we needed on the dawn of a new government." </p>