http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=michael-gove The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 17:14:59 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60197#post-174803 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 22:03:34 +0000 Sir Lupus 174803@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think the 'average' joke has been done before, but I like the story development. Feel it somehow needs to be a bit sharper, but alas I don't have the talent (or application) to help much just now! but I particularly liked the phrases "legacy subjects" and the "roll out of continuous improvement" ending up with just one pupil who gets a book token. perhaps that's the line to end it on. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60197#post-174766 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 18:43:52 +0000 thisisall1word 174766@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The latest figures released by the Department for Education show that half of all state schools are now below the national average. Ministers have used such falling standards to push for a wider take up of education from the private sector.</p> <p>"Throwing tax payer money into any failing business is a waste of scarce funds" claimed Education minister Michael Gove, "and as the data clearly shows, these schools are failing themselves, the community, and the Great British taxpayer too".</p> <p>A departmental white paper has begun circulation suggesting tax breaks for businesses, charities and extreme fundamentalist religious groups who would be willing to take over many secondary schools, on a 'no questions asked' basis.</p> <p>The paper details significant concessions which could be made to increase the attractiveness of private sector involvement; the business would be exempt from FOI, would class students grades and attendance as commercially sensitive and with no requirements to publish results and attendance, and also the syllabus would be open to the removal of many ‘legacy’ subjects such as English and Maths in exchange for studies such as hard labour, building smart phones, or telesales studies.</p> <p>Gove also pointed out that by removing the failing 50% of schools this would produce a new %50 of schools newly failing to meet the national average; “I cannot see our roll out of continuous improvements to education ever ending, until perhaps we are left with the one school”. Although Gove also said he would consider sub-dividing this school repeatedly until one student was left who “perhaps could be given a book token, some sort of scholarship to public school and small paper crown” although George Osbourne later pointed out that any book tokens would be “subject to Treasury sign off”. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60089#post-174536 Sun, 21 Apr 2013 12:22:26 +0000 deceangli 174536@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Angry teaching unions called on Michael Gove today to "sit in the corner with your finger on your lips and really think about what you just said".</p> <p>The Education Secretary has angered teachers by suggesting that they should occasionally have a month at work which doesn't include at least one week's holiday. NUT President Martin Reed told reporters "Michael needs to concentrate harder and not listen to everything his friends tell him, especially that Dave Cameron, who's a bad influence. It's his own time he's wasting with these silly ideas. </p> <p>"Termtimes are the length they are for a reason. Teachers need this time for marking, preparation, long camping trips in France and calculating who owes which portion of the bill whenever they eat out. Some of those menus are devilishly complex, and the stress of correctly apportioning puddings which come with the prix fixe versus those which a colleague has ordered from the special board can add an hour or more to a meal out. And we're never off duty anyway, I had to shout at Michael last week for running down the corridors of power" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58518#post-170610 Fri, 29 Mar 2013 01:08:40 +0000 nickb 170610@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...as any fule no. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58518#post-170563 Thu, 28 Mar 2013 20:31:45 +0000 Al OPecia 170563@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like it a lot, but missed it as I wos awae at an reserch meatin. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58518#post-170086 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 10:35:47 +0000 sigmund 170086@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I do know the Molesworth books; I found them amongst my grandfather's personal effects when he died in the 70's. Nice effort; have some stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58518#post-170084 Tue, 26 Mar 2013 10:12:37 +0000 Oxbridge 170084@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's the silence that kills you...</p> <p>Admittedly you'd have to know the Molesworth books to know what I'm on about here. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58518#post-169965 Mon, 25 Mar 2013 14:53:42 +0000 Oxbridge 169965@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Michael govesworth, a former pupil at st custards skool somewhere in England who is now the educashun secretry, hav responded angrily to 100 academics who sined a leter to The Independent newspaper this week. The leter atackd the coalition for insisting 11-year-olds use a wide vocabulary, write gramatical sentences and use frackshuns in sums, while insisting that Govesworth is uterly wet and a weed.</p> <p>Govesworth he sa: ‘How can it erode educashanal standards to ask that, in their 11 years in skool, children be given the oprortunity to use the English language in all its range and beuty to communicate their thorts and feelings with grace and presizion? This is becos Laber hav sided with the enemies of promise and dummed down skool standards, as any fule kno.’</p> <p>According to recent surveys which Govesworth sa must be true becos they were in the daily mail, one in five children at skool think Winston Churchill was a fictional character while most think Sherlock Holmes was real. And unlike when Govesworth was at st custards and science was about atoms and rockets and other good stuff, now they acktully get asked if grilled fish is healthier than battered sausages chiz.</p> <p>However, shadow secretary of state for environment, food and rural affairs Mary Creagh MP, she sa Govesworth only got to be educashun secretary because he was at Oxford like his grate frend Cameron 2, who hav given all the top jobs to his chums from st custards, which like parliament was built by a madman in 1836. </p> <p>This hav provoked a big poltical battle, as Govesworth he sa Creagh is just a soppy GURL and probably like skipping about saying Hullo clouds, hello sky, etc. but Ed Balls hes the skool buly he sa ‘The tories just want to bring in selecshun by the back door’, then they say tis tisnt tis tisnt and roll about on the floor of the house in a tough manly way clouting everybode until mad speaker John Bercow sa ‘order order’ and bring his MACE crashing down whack oo gosh oo gosh. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142377 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:19:06 +0000 custard cream 142377@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant! max. stars! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142356 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:18:07 +0000 reforse 142356@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5* for the Leon Brittan line </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142329 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:54:20 +0000 button 142329@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love this Dusty </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142328 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:46:05 +0000 DustyBinLaden 142328@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>pinxit that is awesome. What's really brilliant is that if you cross Gove with Pink you get Deborah Meaden </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142317 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 11:28:21 +0000 Midfield Diamond 142317@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Some great lines in this, and the spiders' web on the face tattoo would make a great pic, even if the idea has been used before - I'm pretty sure a suitably-edited version of this made NiB: <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34444" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34444</a></p> <p>(There was a bloke down the fairground where I worked with such a tattoo, so I can't claim it was wholly my idea) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142308 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 10:50:14 +0000 pinxit 142308@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff. Plenty of scope for pix... tho' it doesn't really need any.</p> <p>As for Gove... well, there's plenty of depths there to explore.</p> <p>Did you know he'd released a 'Pink' tribute album? Here it is from a couple of weeks ago...</p> <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/pinky_GOVE.jpg"></p> <p>Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142302 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 10:17:43 +0000 dvo4fun 142302@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sadly, I only just got the 'GOVE'/'LOVE' bit of "‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’": </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142270 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 08:21:04 +0000 moanygit 142270@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’":</p> <p>...superb. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142181 Sun, 07 Oct 2012 18:21:29 +0000 DustyBinLaden 142181@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Please don't shout. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142038 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 16:21:34 +0000 The Secret Cabal 142038@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>YOU ARE NOW A MEMBER OF THE CABAL. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU HAVE BEEN ...(what was that? stimulated? who the fuck are the borg? Oh)...ASSIMILATED. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142032 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 15:40:11 +0000 dvo4fun 142032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Made me laugh Dusty esp "Weirdly though, when she sits down it looks like Leon Brittan is trying to climb out of her trousers." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-141984 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 11:29:26 +0000 waylandsmithy 141984@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely job, that's a brilliant punch line. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-141977 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 11:15:14 +0000 DustyBinLaden 141977@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A regrettable night on the razz has left Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne sporting a massive spider’s web tattoo on his face, just a day before he presents the country’s headline economic strategy at the Tory conference. Michael Gove will deliver his keynote address with “The poor don’t need no education” scribed on his forehead.</p> <p>The incident-filled night out in central Birmingham has left many of the senior cabinet members, coalition ‘friends’ and media politicos with regrettable inkage, including the words ‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’ on Vince Cable’s knuckles and ‘Dave’s Biaaaatch’ on Nick Clegg’s left buttock.</p> <p>Commenting on his tattoo, Mr Osborne said: ‘This, this… thing on my face, it’s… well, let’s see now… It’s about doing everything in my power, my Spidey power… yes, that’s it. I will use every sinew of my Spidey power… Nope. Something about representing the main strands of my economic dream for the nation? How does that sound?’ At which point, the Chancellor broke down. ‘Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. I am fucked. I am properly, properly fucked,’ he sobbed. </p> <p>An aide then led Mr Osborne gently from the room. </p> <p>Mr Gove, on the other hand, appears unrepentant and even rather proud of his tat. He’s been seen prodding it angrily with his finger and saying to people ‘See that? That’s what I’m fucking talking about.’</p> <p>Theresa May now has an epic ‘tramp stamp’ on her lower back, comprising an elaborate HR Giger-style biomechanical landscape, heavy on fetishistic sexual activity between humanoid aliens and futuristic machinery.</p> <p>‘Yeah, that didn’t really work,’ said Home Office minister James Brokenshire. ‘Too complex. Weirdly though, when she sits down it looks like Leon Brittan is trying to climb out of her trousers.’</p> <p>In an ironic twist, Sky presenter Kay Burley actually cried for the first time in her life after waking up to discover that two blue tears had been tattooed on her face, falling gently from her left eye. There are rumours that these were scribed some time before the night out, under direct instruction from Rupert Murdoch.</p> <p>Perhaps one of the most surprising revelations came when two strippers dressed as police officers playfully removed Andrew Mitchell’s clothes in the lobby of the Hyatt Regency hotel, whereupon it was discovered that Mitchell has long been tattooed from neck to ankle in tweed.</p> <p>Prime Minister David Cameron escaped a piece of permanent skin art, although not for want of trying. Tattooist Danny Brown said: ‘He asked for a heart and the name Richard Clayderman on his cheek, but I just couldn’t get the ink to stay on. It was like trying to tattoo an uncooked Poundland sausage.’</p> <p><em>Hat tip to waylandsmithy</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28546#post-80070 Mon, 01 Aug 2011 08:14:14 +0000 Qoxiivi 80070@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah come on?!? No? Sod you all then. I'm getting a bacon sandwich. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28546#post-79862 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 21:37:09 +0000 Qoxiivi 79862@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fallout from the hacking scandal has claimed yet more jobs following the resignations of everyone within a 50-mile radius of anyone potentially implicated in the practice.</p> <p>David Morgan, a vending machine engineer from Balham, was among the first to hand in his notice.</p> <p>“Although I maintain that I knew nothing of illegal phone hacking practices at the News Of The World at the time they were going on, it’s clear the abhorrent nature of these offences have made my position untenable.”</p> <p>While waiting at an overcrowded bus stop, he also asked that the press respect his family’s privacy at this difficult time, although accepted that this was probably unlikely.</p> <p>Spencer Dale, the Bank of England’s chief economist, fears the slew of high, low and moderately-profiled scalps could mark the beginning of a devastating resignation pandemic.</p> <p>“If we don’t take immediate steps, most of Europe, if not the world, could end up unemployed or at the very least on extended ‘gardening leave’. Come September, Colonel Gaddafi could be the only one left in a job.”</p> <p>“Someone has to take responsibility for this and resign before it gets any worse.”</p> <p>Meanwhile, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, says the effect on employment statistics could be dire.</p> <p>“If we can find someone to compile them, I’m almost certain they won’t look very good. And I know Michael Gove is very worried about the effect this will have on teachers.”</p> <p>“We won’t be resigning though. I mean, fuck me, we’ve got our pensions to think of.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27030#post-74385 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 16:19:31 +0000 Ludicity 74385@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Many thanks. You will all be rewarded in heaven. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27030#post-74382 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 15:35:37 +0000 The All New Jeni B 74382@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A beautiful creation.<br /> 5 of God's own hand made stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27030#post-74378 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 15:25:06 +0000 JonnyJP 74378@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Just love the image of a kid throwing a fossil in the playground, shouting 'explain that' and running off giggling. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27030#post-74331 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:47:13 +0000 JohnA 74331@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You talented bastard 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27030#post-74330 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:44:24 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 74330@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great stuff. 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27030#post-74327 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:35:25 +0000 Sinnick 74327@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5*<br /> Going for another NB mug, then ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27030#post-74323 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:25:12 +0000 Des Custard 74323@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5* for the headline alone. You could possibly expand the intelligent design angle to show that the school exactly fitted the requirements identified by the LEA for a new school, but not if it spoils the flow. </p>