http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=mice The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 06:58:22 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151955 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 23:33:43 +0000 dvo4fun 151955@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@ronseal &amp; nickb</p> <p>nuffink so interesting </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151948 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 22:47:40 +0000 FlashArry 151948@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>DBA has the less attractive T's &amp; C's, though ...</p> <p>Nice work, Mr. S, ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151935 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 21:09:18 +0000 Gary Stanton 151935@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks all. It's one of the oldest professions, that and Database Administrator </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151930 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 20:29:35 +0000 nickb 151930@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I share Ronseal's admiration for the piece and his curiosity about dvo4fun's professional contact with ahem ladies of the night. I dimly remember he has made hints about his life on our mean streets and picture him as a kind of Dustin Hoffman figure. On the other hand he may be an STD doctore or in charge of a newsagent's window. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151899 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 16:46:02 +0000 Danny 151899@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good. When we were students our vet school was in the middle of the red light district and as a result we were often propositioned. A quick word of advice: don't try and be nice by saying 'I don't have any money on me.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151890 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 15:52:39 +0000 ronseal 151890@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it</p> <p>DO4Fun</p> <p>How id you meet prozzies in a professional capacity?</p> <p>Were you a drug dealer? A cop who walks the mean streets? A shoe shine boy? Come on, you d=can't leave it there </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151889 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 15:47:23 +0000 dvo4fun 151889@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah, good point Oxy - that might explain why Gere took so long in deciding whether to make it a permanent relationship. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151885 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 15:35:27 +0000 Oxbridge 151885@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shurely 'Vivienne'? - Pedantic Ed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151870 Tue, 04 Dec 2012 14:20:31 +0000 writinginbsl 151870@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>funny</p> <p>late stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151678 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 16:47:05 +0000 pinxit 151678@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>FFS! I've now got a mobile bill for over six grand!</p> <p>Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151666 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 14:57:13 +0000 DustyBinLaden 151666@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hang on, I'll switch it on. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151665 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 14:54:58 +0000 Dick Everyman 151665@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm getting a no connection tone from that mobile... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151664 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 14:48:32 +0000 Tripod 151664@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><em>Selling</em> a vagina? A 'short-term rental agreement', surely?... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151663 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 14:47:18 +0000 DustyBinLaden 151663@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice. Para 5 is my favourite, although, having said that, I thought the second sentence was a bit wordy ('Things, though, did briefly look like improving for Spencer when Raj turned up one night with an Iceland party platter and a Bontempi organ under his arm'... perhaps).</p> <p>Anal-shaped stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151650 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 13:06:52 +0000 button 151650@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151643 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 12:37:54 +0000 dvo4fun 151643@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It might have been done before ... or maybe I just thought about doing something like it, but excellent work.</p> <p>I have met quite a few prostitutes over the years (work related honest) but never once met the mythical Happy Hooker. Lots of pock-marked serially abused heroin addicts though </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52649#post-151630 Mon, 03 Dec 2012 11:23:08 +0000 Gary Stanton 151630@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Pretty Woman devotee admits massive disillusionment with Rochdale prostitution scene</strong></p> <p>An ardent fan of the 1980’s movie Pretty Woman has today admitted that her life as a ‘sex worker’ has so far failed to live up to its on-screen portrayal. </p> <p>Tracy Spencer,23, claims to have watched the rags-to-riches tale of an ordinary hooker made good over seventy times and found the character ‘Vivian’ played by Julia Roberts to be an ‘inspirational role-model’. </p> <p>‘I’d been brought up to believe that prostitution was unglamorous, sleazy and downright dangerous so when I watched Pretty Woman for the first time it completely shattered the myth that selling one’s vagina for a living is a bad career choice, ‘ said Spencer, who charges £20 for straight sex, rising to £50 for anal without a condom ( Mobile No 07940 231112 )</p> <p>However, Spencer maintains things didn’t quite pan out as she had predicted when, after two weeks in the job, she had failed in her bid to be swept off her feet by a concerned patriarchal figure with a highly-paid job in real estate and the ability to look past the lip-gloss and glimpse the beautiful soul within.</p> <p>‘I expected it to be all five star hotels, fine dining and being made love to over a grand piano, but my current love interest ‘Raj’ is a horrifically violent unlicensed taxi driver and looks nothing like Richard Gere. Things, though, did briefly look like improving for Spencer when her local Pizza Express started offering a two-for the-price-of-one night and boyfriend-cum-pimp Raj admitted that he was in the market for a Bontempi organ. </p> <p>‘Pretty Woman has sold me a lie and I shan’t be watching it again. Lately, I’ve been taking my cues from the Bridget Jones character in Edge of Reason,’ added Spencer, who is now facing the death penalty in Thailand after attempting to enter the country with an oversized dildo containing cocaine worth an estimated $40,000. </p> <p>‘I’m expecting a dashing ‘Mr Darcy’ type civil rights lawyer to walk into my overcrowded cell any day now, having travelled half way around the world to secure my release and who doesn’t mind throwing his lot in with a toothless heroin addict.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23655#post-64221 Sun, 10 Apr 2011 10:40:47 +0000 Screenie 64221@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A government inquest into children's nursery rhymes claims to have uncovered some shocking truths, suggesting that the rhymes are 'dangerous, misleading, inaccurate and often deadly' as well as causing a disadvantage to the children of those parents that use them. It goes on to state that the effects of Rhyming often go unnoticed, with users claiming that it is only themselves that it effects, but when we look deeper it is obvious that this is simply not the case.</p> <p>'There has been an dark undercurrent of rhyming for hundreds of years but people simply turn a blind eye to it and this has to stop, the public as a whole need to come together to prevent the spread of this cancer, this a problem that affects every sector, from the rich and privileged all the way through to our country's poorest occupants,' stated department's head researcher, Itsy Green.</p> <p> 'If left unchecked, the rhyming is going to win. Rhyming is a disease of the brain, changing brain chemistry within the left temporal lobe. Basically the rhymes get stuck in people's heads. Aside from the obvious behavioural consequences of this, the negative effects on a person’s health are potentially devastating and, if combined with whistling, their popularity in a workplace can be seriously compromised.'</p> <p>She went on to explain that is not necessarily while kids are young that the effects of passive Rhyming reveal themselves,</p> <p>'The problem is kids take this advice into adulthood; Driving makes many people happy but clapping whilst driving can have disasterous consequences, furthermore some parents have been hanging children in cradles at the top of trees to get them to sleep and the threat posed by Goosey, goosey gander to atheist pensioners is plain to see.'</p> <p>Miss Green also pointed out many rhymes with less obvious, but possibly just as serious, connotations.</p> <p>'Suggestions that an owl and a pussycat could happily share the same small boat can only lead to the injury and loss of many beloved family pets, aswell as leaving many children scarred for life.' </p> <p>'Some rhymes are more dangerous when mixed,' She continued, 'the fact that spiders are attracted to curd and enjoy drainpipes during wet weather when mentioned apart contain little threat, however combine these and you have an A and E department full of wet children with broken legs covered in lemon flavoured dessert. Not a pretty sight.'</p> <p>When questioned on the subject the Prime minister suggested that the Government needed to act to cut down on Rhyming in our society but must be careful not to alienate those people already caught within its grasp;</p> <p>'Rhyming is instilled too deeply into the British culture for it to be outlawed in one swoop but rhyming in any indoor public place will be banned and any books containing rhymes will have to be wrapped in the nondescript packaging and not stored on display. We are also looking at increasing the Rhyming age and bringing in big fines for anyone caught providing Rhymes to anyone under it. Furthermore local councils are being urged to provide free sessions for rhymers that would like to stop and sound proofing is being provided for the rooms used for these sessions, to prevent any possible contamination.'</p> <p>The report is not all negativity, there are some rhymes with which the watchdog are pleased, statistics suggest that children subjected to repeated doses of Humpty-Dumpty are less likely to fall off walls, although they do tend to grow up with a distain for the royal family, and 'London Bridge is falling down' has reduced congestion on this busy London thoroughfare.</p> <p>The watchdog is currently still working on its findings with the effects of 'Hey Diddle Diddle' and 'the Grand old Duke of York' proving particularly difficult to fathom. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13077#post-35552 Tue, 28 Sep 2010 10:02:54 +0000 Gary Stanton 35552@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mourners turned out en masse yesterday for the funeral of the mouse that was discovered mashed up inside a loaf of bread. </p> <p>The service, lead by local chaplain Dave Phelps, was attended by up to 250 workers at the Premier Foods factory in Oxfordshire and the mouse’s coffin , an empty box of Swan Vestas, was borne by lead foreman Colin Wilkinson. Musical accompaniment was provided in the form of mouse-related tracks , with the Pet Shop Boys featuring heavily together with “Run to You” by Bryan Adams. </p> <p>Addressing the mourners, Phelps said: ‘Although the Bible is unclear as to the status which rodents occupy in the afterlife I’m pretty sure that, aside from ransacking the odd loaf, he – was it a he? - lead a good life and will be rewarded in eternity with a never-ending supply of peanut butter. They seem to like that for some reason.’</p> <p>And last night Phelps’ claims were backed up by some of Britain’s leading intellectuals.<br /> Philosopher, Mary Warnock, said: ‘Anyone who did Biology at A level knows that mice are sentient beings and if we think of consciousness as a kind of field which our brains merely tap into then yeah – why not? I doubt it applies to gerbils though. Nasty little fuckers . I got one lodged in the hoover once. Thirty quid to get it repaired and that didn’t include the call out fee.’ </p> <p>Warnock meanwhile refuses to be drawn further into the rodent debate after an outburst earlier last year in which she described hamsters as ‘utterly depraved‘ and wallowing in a cesspit of their own making.</p> <p>Phelps though left those struggling to come to terms with the mouse’s departure in no doubt: </p> <p>‘Yeah mice are dead cute. Unlike rats which are evil sewer-dwellers and burn in everlasting torment, mice are rewarded in paradise for their meekness, agility and their ability to compress their bodies into a gap the size of a thimble. </p> <p>‘I imagine it’s a bit like human heaven except there’s loads of sawdust and crumbs lying around with the centrepiece being a huge golden wheel occupied by his waiting friends, many of whom were gassed the last time Rentokil visited the premises in early March . ’</p> <p>‘Or it could be like a massive sofa from Ikea where the spirit mice have gained entry by gnawing away at the fabric, assuming they couldn’t just pass straight through and have built a ghost nest in one of the arm rests. The perverts, however, would be weeded out by St Peter, or his mouse equivalent and would exist in some kind of purgatory. I’m not sure what form that would take but it’s most likely a mouldy rolled-up bit of carpet. ’ </p> <p>‘And there are no cats.’</p> <p>‘Cats go to hell. It says so in Corinthians. ’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11100#post-30369 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 19:24:31 +0000 jp1885 30369@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>No stars for this amazing piece? (knocked up in a hurry just before hometime) For shame!<br /> I've made a couple of changes, for what it's worth. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11100#post-30361 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 17:09:18 +0000 sauce 30361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Come friendly bombs ..." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11100#post-30354 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:28:39 +0000 Oxbridge 30354@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Now if one could just scoop up Coventry and put it in a bin... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11100#post-30349 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:39:11 +0000 rikkor 30349@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bad kitties are bad. Rikkor </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11100#post-30342 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:22:53 +0000 jp1885 30342@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A Coventry woman who was filmed putting a household cat into a recycling bin and was subsequently pilloried by both the press and social networking sites, has found an unusual ally in the form of the nations dogs and mice.</p> <p>Mary Bale, 45, has had to contend not only with angry mobs outside her house, but also a 'Death to Mary Bale' Facebook site. Reacting to this 'overreaction to a moment of madness', Britain's canine population has pledged to support the woman. 'It's terrible that someone who is obviously rather lonely and confused should be treated in this manner over something simple as binning a stupid old cat,' growled one Rottweiler, 'I've mauled hundreds of the buggers over the years but you don’t see hoards of idiots baying for blood outside my kennel do you?'</p> <p>Bale has also had several messages of support from mice: 'It's about time someone stood up for the little people,' one rodent proclaimed. 'Cats have had it coming for centuries - what they've been doing to us mice amounts to an unreported genocide, yet when one of them gets tossed into a bin it's all 'ooh the poor thing!' Poor thing my arse - chuck 'em all in I say.'</p> <p>Reports have been flooding in of a number of dog or mice related incidents in the vicinity of Ms Bale's home. A group from the Cat's Protection League who attempted to make their displeasure known to Ms Bale was sent running by a pack of savage mastiffs, while a team of animal rights activists who attempted to batter down the door of Bale's house with a team of elephants was thwarted by a single field mouse, which scattered the panicky pachyderms in all directions, flattening a community police officer in the process.</p> <p>Fears of an escalation in the dog vs. cat vs. mouse conflict are acute today, after packs of heavily-clawed 'self-defence committees' of cats have been spotted throughout Warwickshire, vowing to avenge these perceived slights against felinekind. 'The gloves are off now,' one anonymous cat told reporters, 'it's mousetrap and frying pan time!' There have also been unsubstantiated rumours that a large contingent of broom-wielding heavily-built Afro-American housekeepers in the area. </p>