http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=men The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 17:05:15 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152923 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 18:41:38 +0000 dvo4fun 152923@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have some stars Oxy for some genuine laughs. Not that this relates to my own family you understand - wanted to make that quite clear </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152895 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:21:51 +0000 riesler 152895@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My MIL did things like this but it turned out to be early signs of Alzheimers. Just thought I'd share. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152894 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:18:51 +0000 Oxbridge 152894@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, I was having a stroke, hence Little Mix playing netball. Corrections noted, ta. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152892 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:11:17 +0000 Perks 152892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>NB being used as therapy again!</p> <p>Double check first para, asda this wife? And identified as her mother </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152891 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:10:18 +0000 waylandsmithy 152891@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>According to sources close to your wife, who have just been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is 40% off in Asda this wife.</blockquote></p> <p>Are you having a stroke? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152890 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:03:08 +0000 Oxbridge 152890@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>According to a source close to your wife, who has just been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a phone call that woke you from a dream about Little Mix playing netball at two minutes past six this morning, for fuck's sake.</p> <p>'She just found the ads from the local paper last week and wanted us to know,' sighed your wife. Reports suggest that your wife is now in a bit of a bind because she does agree that her mother should stop phoning at the crack of bloody dawn and wouldn't have minded another half-hour in bed herself but is also honour-bound to take the side of anyone you slag off.</p> <p>Analysts now agree that there is growing tension between the part of you that wants to say her sodding mother has been to your town seven times this year - and trust you, you have counted - and she should know there isn't a bastard Asda for miles around and the part that is inclined to shut up and just avoid getting the relationship lecture yet again. The likelihood of this conflict erupting with potentially catastrophic consequences has been exacerbated in the last few seconds by your wife's retort that she knows you've never liked her mother. </p> <p>You have sensed that saying 'Yes, I told you that myself' is a trap but saying you might as well make some tea then in an aggrieved manner so as to avoid losing the battle while also leaving a silent-but-deadly as you exit the room, is not a viable exit strategy, especially given that your wife's last boyfriend would have got up and made the sodding tea already actually. He's a surgeon now, earning a fortune.</p> <p>At press time, it remained unclear as to whether you would press your temporary moral advantage home at the risk of seeing if your wife really meant that she doesn't want you to go to her mother's at Christmas. Weighing up eating at someone else's expense and going to a match on Boxing Day match against not having to look over your shoulder while using the PC for three full days may need to be outsourced to a consultant. </p> <p>'We don't even eat Lurpak,' you add on your way downstairs. 'Fucking hell.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46214#post-133043 Tue, 31 Jul 2012 17:59:13 +0000 medici2471 133043@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Come down off that ledge Oxbridge, you'll find love again...</p> <p>A friend of mine got divorced recently, the house was split 50/50, he got the outside... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46214#post-133012 Tue, 31 Jul 2012 12:34:33 +0000 Oxbridge 133012@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Psychiatrists up and down Britain are rolling their eyes in disbelief after a married couple from Swindon, Peter and Sophie Davison, sought guidance because of a sudden crisis in their 11-year marriage. Many have been staggered to learn that the pair expect not to be locked into a downward spiral of mutual loathing after spending such an unnatural length of time together.</p> <p>‘I can’t quite put my finger on why, but things haven’t been going well between us for some time,’ said the manifestly mad Peter Davison, who nonetheless holds down a job as a senior executive at a software firm. ‘It’s somehow just not like it used to be when we first got together,’ he added, to bitter snorts of derision from everyone.</p> <p>The couple first met at the University of Lancaster in 2004, carried on seeing each other after graduation and married in 2008 because they had no compelling reason to break up. For some unfathomable reason, neither has yet grasped that men and women are incompatible and only meant to tolerate each other for long enough to procreate, which, mercifully, they have not yet done.</p> <p>‘I sometimes feel Paul takes me for granted,’ complained Sophie, who has failed to draw any obvious lessons from her preferences for spa weekends and shopping and his for golf and computer games. ‘We scarcely make love once a month,’ she added, blissfully unaware that that’s mainly because he doesn’t want to get caught screaming out her sister’s name (Julia).</p> <p>Leading marital therapist Dr Julian Bates added that he is seeing an increasing number of couples pissing their hard-earned up a tree by coming to him in a vain attempt to defy nature. ‘Because of our ludicrously elevated expectations, we refuse to live lives of barely repressed resentment like our parents,’ he said. ‘Then again, I’ve got two gold-digging ex-wives to pay for, so by all means bring ‘em on.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131196 Thu, 19 Jul 2012 08:23:25 +0000 Oxbridge 131196@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you, kind sirs. The odd bits are all real quotes from the book, garnered from the web because I'm not that mad. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131114 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 18:15:33 +0000 pinxit 131114@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A gem, sir. Lots of 'em ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131103 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:50:09 +0000 beau-jolly 131103@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I guess you have to read it to be a critic. I read that Dan Brown one quickly and felt insulted and I have read some of Archer's output and felt equally dirty.<br /> Our barmaid is currently blushing and gushing through this one so we get regular updates and it saves me from reading it.<br /> Like the cut of your jib though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131099 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:25:23 +0000 dvo4fun 131099@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Haven't read the work m'self Oxy. Some lovely lines in here. In particular</p> <p>"an inexplicably popular take on Jane Austen, only with nipple clamps in place of literary merit. </p> <p>"Wendy Shapland, a 42-year-old waste of carbon from Surrey. "</p> <p>" may not be about to pop round to their garden shed later this evening carrying a cup of tea and a riding crop, [though a virgin virgin in this para]"</p> <p>Have a bunch of fives </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131089 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:01:27 +0000 Oxbridge 131089@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The government is concerned that large numbers of ostensibly sane adults are devoting too much time on the internet arguing about '50 Shades of Grey', an inexplicably popular take on Jane Austen, only with nipple clamps in place of literary merit. Meanwhile, many slightly pervy people are also concerned that the novel's runaway success in Middle England may mean that they never get insulted by the Daily Mail again.</p> <p>'I welcome the sudden discovery by large number of people that they can buy and even read the items of printed text often referred to in the trade as 'books', said Health Minister Andrew Lansley. 'However, if the frustrated marketing assistants of Britain are all being distracted from their work by the inane fantasy of a mysterious handsome kinky billionaire making butterflies flood their bellies, we have to act.'</p> <p>Quivering moist messses up and down the land said they were indignant at Lansley's comments. 'My inner goddess did a mergengue with some salsa moves when I heard what he said,' said Wendy Shapland, a 42-year-old waste of carbon from Surrey. 'How dare some jumped-up MP, who's probably toast at the next reshuffle and who doesn't even have his own Red Room of Pain tell me what I can and can't have?'</p> <p>Some balding middle-aged men have also reacted angrily to the idea that an attractive blonde 22-year old virgin virgin who doesn't know how attractive she really is may not be about to pop round to their garden shed later this evening carrying a cup of tea and a riding crop, her insides practically contorted with needy, liquid desire, whatever that is. However, the official advice stands.</p> <p>'Now look at me, young lady,' said Lansley, as the electorate stared deep into his smouldering grey gaze. 'This is not a blueprint for your tedious life and I am not, repeat not, your own Andrew Lansley-flavoured popsicle. It is intolerable in the deepest economic crisis of modern times that a whole country should be distracted by a piece of third rate fiction from the fact that they are still being robbed blind by sociopaths in suits called bankers ... ah, hang on a minute...'</p> <p>[Digitally remastered] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44345#post-126900 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 15:50:01 +0000 JonnyJP 126900@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Greeeeeeeat </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44345#post-126856 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 09:32:16 +0000 Oxbridge 126856@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Marwan al-Shehhi, who flew United Airline Flight 175 into Two World Trade Centre on 9/11, has expressed his increasing discontent over the conduct of his 72 virgins in paradise. According to the Abu Dhabi-born terrorist, over 60 of his nubile harem are now complaining that he does not 'give enough time to the relationship'.</p> <p>'I hate to make a fuss,' said al-Shehhi, 'as my reward in heaven has been exactly what was promised by the blessed prophet, upon whom be peace. However, I would say that the Holy Qu'ran might have spelled out some of the details a bit more clearly. They're all gorgeous, of course, but, never having met a woman on Earth, I didn't realise how they moan all the bloody time.'</p> <p>Unfortunately for the al-Qaeda martyrs, it has emerged that the personalities of deceased souls do continue to develop, even if their hymens miraculously regenerate themselves. Consequently, in al-Shehhi's case, 27 of his virgins are dissatisfied with the state of the house, 21 repeatedly switch off the TV when camel racing is on, 18 have stopped speaking to each other and the rest are gossiping over sherbet and figs about al-Shehhi's inadequate love-making on the five occasions per year that it is their turn.</p> <p>'You think I died at 20, untainted by the touch of a man, for this?' said Khalida, a doe-eyed brunette from beneath a burqa, her sultry ankles bathed in ethereal light. 'Honestly, he is SO insensitive. And as for the state of the perfumed garden, don't even go there. I tried to tell him to tidy it up, but he keeps hiding in the shed pretending to be making a model cluster bomb.'</p> <p>After nearly 11 years of increasingly futile attempts to please his needy harem, al-Shehhi is casting furtive glances at the nearby cloud of Khalid al-Midhar, aSaudi who was consumed in the fireball of American Airlines Flight 77 in the Pentagon. 'His favourite virgin Fatima seems really sweet,' said al-Shehhi. 'Maybe if I tried it on with her, he'd be honour-bound to kill us both and I could come back with her as my only wife. Worth a try, I suppose.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40310#post-114668 Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:31:30 +0000 Oxbridge 114668@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sociologists across Britain are hailing a breakthrough in human behaviour last Sunday morning as a 37-year-old woman from Buckinghamshire sat through Steve Wright's Sunday Love Songs on Radio 2 without intending it as a silent reproach to her partner. Jessica Rowley, a marketing manager in a High Wycombe multimedia firm, told reporters that she and her boyfriend Gary Dawson simply started listening at random.</p> <p>'I quite liked the music so I carried on listening - maybe I'm showing my age,' Rowley told reporters. 'All that slush from these couples who have been blissfully happy for 25 years and feel to compelled to tell the country all about it was a bit nauseating, but I was busy waxing the table and I couldn't be bothered to change channels.'</p> <p>According to Professor Roy Wilde, author of 'You Never Say That to Me: Why Women Fall for Romantic Drivel', about 70% of women listen to Sunday Love Songs and shows like it to convince their husbands that they ought to worship the dust under their feet, while the other 30% are fantasising about the ex they should have stayed with. Rowley, however, says that neither of these things applies to her.</p> <p>'Gary is a fairly average sort of bloke but then I'm a fairly average woman, so we're pretty well suited all in all,' she said. 'Look, if you promise not to laugh at me - when I was younger, I thought Steve Wright was hilarious. Do you remember Mr Angry? He always used to get so angry he'd THROW the phone down ... oh look, you did say you wouldn't laugh.'</p> <p>After the end of the show, the couple went out to lunch in a local pub, during which Rowley did not glare Dawson's head, mutter anything about not being appreciated or ask repeatedly why he hadn't told her she was the most precious thing in the whole wide world. Professor Wilde welcomed this development but cautioned against it being seen as a new trend.</p> <p>'Listening to loved-up saps and their puke-inducing radio dedications is an essential safety valve for some people,' he said, glancing nervously at his wife. 'But best leave them to it - it might be dangerous to point out that most of the men are doing it because of guilt over their last affair or because they are hoping to finally get some anal. No, dear, not me, obviously...' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76698 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 15:40:27 +0000 Golgo13 76698@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>\o/<br /> ||<br /> / \ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76682 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 14:41:41 +0000 Oxbridge 76682@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>DOH. Duly edited. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76673 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 14:11:50 +0000 simonjmr 76673@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Leading martial therapist Dr Julian Hobbs : does he advocate spousal abuse, primal screams and such like to resolve marital issues? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76658 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 13:19:27 +0000 JohnA 76658@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think so too. She seems a little tense but after 3 or 4 Margueritas the Tigress appears... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76655 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 13:17:09 +0000 Oxbridge 76655@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, she's lovely isn't she? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76646 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 13:01:10 +0000 FraserWords 76646@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Such anger, bitterness and loathing... have you met Mrs FraserWords, by any chance? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76642 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:57:40 +0000 JohnA 76642@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Another one written by an ex-NOTW staffer. After closing time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76637 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:12:01 +0000 Oxbridge 76637@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Psychiatrists up and down Britain are rolling their eyes in disbelief after a Swindon couple, Paul and Sophie Rice, announced that they were seeking marriage guidance because of a crisis in their relationship. Many of them have been staggered to learn that the pair seriously expect not to be locked into a downward spiral of loathing after spending such an unnatural length of time together.</p> <p>‘I can’t quite put my finger on why, but things haven’t been going well between us for some time,’ said the manifestly insane Paul Rice, who nonetheless holds down a job as a senior executive at a data exchange software firm. ‘It’s somehow just not like it used to be when we first got together,’ he added, to bitter snorts of derision from every other married person in the entire sodding country.</p> <p>Paul and Sophie first met at the University of Lancaster in 2000, carried on seeing each other after graduation and married in 2007, mainly because they had no compelling reason to break up. For some unfathomable reason, neither of this apparently intelligent couple has yet grasped that men and women are incompatible and only meant to tolerate each other for long enough to procreate, which, mercifully, they have not yet done.</p> <p>‘I sometimes feel Paul takes me for granted,’ complained Sophie Rice, who has failed to draw any obvious lessons from their contrasting preferences for spa weekends and shopping on one side and golf and computer games on the other. ‘We scarcely make love once a month,’ she continued, blissfully unaware that that’s mainly because he doesn’t want to get caught screaming her sister’s name (Julia) when he climaxes, like he does when he slips off to the bathroom every other night.</p> <p>Leading marital therapist Dr Julian Hobbs added that he is seeing an increasing number of couples pissing their hard-earned up a tree by coming to him in a vain attempt to defy nature. ‘Because of our ludicrously elevated expectations, we refuse to live lives of barely repressed resentment like our parents,’ he said. ‘Then again, I’ve got two gold-digging ex-wives to pay for and I need the money, so bring ‘em on.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27468#post-75781 Wed, 06 Jul 2011 22:37:35 +0000 JohnA 75781@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"We're currently out of stock on our range of concentration-breaking products, from the simple 'Why are you still watching that while I've got to do the housework' to the best-selling 'You just pretended to listen to me. What did I just say?'" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27468#post-75653 Wed, 06 Jul 2011 12:53:50 +0000 Oxbridge 75653@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good one, will add in. Further ideas? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27468#post-75629 Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:30:15 +0000 JohnA 75629@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not enough dangerous ploys in the early part of the piece. Needs plumping.</p> <p>"We offer a range of customised solutions for modern working women including "Inconvenient Hoovering during his favourite comedy show", "Sitting there in stony silence with arms crossed while he watches football" and "I don't care what else is on, it's 'X Factor' night and I never get to watch anything else".</p> <p>"We're developing new strategies with our partners including an experimental "Asking him what is going on in CSI every few minutes". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27468#post-75626 Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:17:31 +0000 Oxbridge 75626@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>MyWife plc, a leading supplier of optimised nagging solutions for modern women, has announced that it has established a technology alliance with MyMatesGirlfriend Ltd., another major player in this fast-emerging market niche.</p> <p>According to CEO Judith Todd, MyWife plc has established market-leading positions over the past 15 years with its suite of life-crushing systems. Now it is seeking to bring in the innovative technologies developed by MyMatesGirlfriend Ltd., which have recently enjoyed strong growth in the wrecking of enjoyable Friday nights up and down the country market.</p> <p>'For a decade, our flexible You Always TM and You Never TM systems led the way, enabling users to take the basic technology package and customise them to specific needs,' said Todd. 'Two years ago, our trans-Atlantic alliance with MyBrothersNuttyAmericanFiancee, Inc., led to the launch of YouDontReallyLoveMe ® and MumsComingToStay ® into the UK market.' </p> <p>However, she added, MyBrothersNuttyAmericanFiancee, Inc., has since been acquired in a management buy-out by SomeBlokeSheWentOffWith &amp; Co. Since then, MyWife plc has been actively looking for a new range of partnering options in its home market. </p> <p>'Thanks to this new joint venture – get your feet off the sofa, I vacuumed it this morning – we will also be offering the range of male subordination solutions developed by MyMatesGirlfriend Ltd., including the truly terrifying EerieCalm TM, we believe that we can offer all of our customers the perfect means of modern husband control,' Todd said.</p> <p>Stephanie Carter, CEO of MyMatesGirlfriend, added: 'For those customers who find EerieCalm TM too high-maintenance, we can now offer a suite of best-in-class sport-enjoyment-wrecking solutions, including the impossible to argue against YouWatchedFootballLastWeek TM. It’s a win-win scenario.”</p> <p>MyWife plc is a global corporation based in Fulham and turning over £47,000 per year, though it would be much more if I’d listened to mummy and married David the consultant optometrist like she told me, he’s earning much more than you, you worthless piece of garbage. And stop pulling faces behind my back, you pathetic worm. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26482#post-72484 Wed, 15 Jun 2011 20:40:35 +0000 Ironduke 72484@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've checked the job description provided by Sugar and Akika for 'irreligious libertine manwhore'; I've ordered twelve buckets of Grease and I am braced and ready. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26482#post-72435 Wed, 15 Jun 2011 15:46:13 +0000 JohnA 72435@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If I want to pull a bird, I'll join the RSPB. </p>