http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=manchester-united The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 22:57:28 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61183#post-177775 Mon, 13 May 2013 09:50:59 +0000 Oxbridge 177775@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More like stream of consciousness than news. Some ideas in it could be developed though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61183#post-177757 Mon, 13 May 2013 08:29:06 +0000 Wrenfoe 177757@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yup - Brianflan is right about the length. There are plenty of good gags but the usual NIB/FP format is much more condensed. This wouldn't be too hard to do, but you may prefer to keep it in the style of a "features article" - up to you :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61183#post-177729 Mon, 13 May 2013 00:35:16 +0000 brianflan 177729@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I don't think you'd get all that on twitter....</p> <p>While I am a newbie on here so don't feel I have earned the right to yet pass comment, I do think this is well written but overly long.We usually only a few minutes in between laziness and trying to look busy at work to read articles. Also, why not just call him by his real name? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61183#post-177726 Sun, 12 May 2013 22:43:24 +0000 christobinsings 177726@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>On a sunny April day I had been invited to the home of former football manager Lord Alan Fergie, for what would be a frank and honest assessment of the Lords career – A step back in time. Where for the first time he would disclose how debilitating illness would dog him throughout his footballing life – the struggles he would have to overcome, a brutal fight with amnesia alongside personal addiction – That would see him at one point during the 1990s spending £38.46p a week on chewing gum.<br /> A man that now finds himself alone with just his memories rattling around his head, unable to make sense of any of them – A must read for any football fan or old age pensioner – A heartfelt tale that will bring tears to your eyes and possibly make you howl with laughter. One man’s personal story on his decline into dementia.<br /> I would be led through the halls of Trafford Castle, a place where you can hear a pin drop, the silence would indeed be somewhat deafening. Pictures of Alan’s former protégé’s would adorn the walls, a testament to his tenure as Britain’s greatest procurer of footballing talent - Massimo Taibi – Gabriel Orbertan – David Bellion – Eric Jemba-Jemba and Jose Kleberson I would later be informed that Lord Fergie like to refer to them as his “Fabulous Famous Five”.<br /> On entering Alan’s living quarters one is instantly overwhelmed by an aroma - a harsh fragrance of spearmint with a hint of three day old urine. A huge overcoat would cover his frail frame as he sat serenely in a huge red armchair, reminiscent of a throne, on the left arm would be a packet of Weather’s Original, and a bottle of Vino circa 1986, and on the right arm of the chair would be; lined up like soldiers – packets of pre-opened Wrigley’s chewing gum – original mint flavour. Ahead of me would be a spittoon half full of freshly chewed gum and Werther’s wrappers covered in phlegm.<br /> After the formalities of introduction, where Lord Fergie would confusingly refer to me as Geoff[Shreeves] and threaten me with knee-capping if I asked any questions in relation to goal-line technology – His Sky+ had stopped working at the weekend &amp; this would set the tone, as such I would press record on my Dictaphone , and the interview would begin.<br /> The following would ALL be Lord Alan Fergies own words.<br /> I suppose the warning signs were always there – I went to the doctors, and I think he spotted it straight away, and of course he then sent me to the specialist, and they did loads of tests on me. I remember what the Doctor said – and I will never forget his words, he said “ It is confirmed Mr Fergie, unfortunately you are suffering from Myopia” . Well I cried for three days and three nights until Big Sam Allardyce told me that it just meant I couldn’t see things that were further than a metre away. You see he had suffered with a similar problem; I think he called it Bulimia. Since that day I have loved that man like a brother. Love him.<br /> Noticeably soon after that diagnosis, I would deteriorate – It would get so bad that even if The BBC would show me a replay on T.V. of a blatant penalty that had not been given to our opponents, I would still not be able to see. In the end I had to stop speaking to the BBC all together - especially when they suggested my son Jason was slightly dodgy that time on Panorama – He wore glasses for Christ sake.<br /> I would first notice that there was a problem in November of 1986 when I would join Manchester United Football Club as their manager. You have to go back to my childhood in Scotland, none of our family had watches back then – So we had no reason to figure out how the bloody things worked. Why would we. Obviously part of the contract at United was they would provide a watch – I think it was one Ron Atkinson had left behind – a big gold thing with a huge diamond face, well when I say gold, it was covered in green under the band. Ron was always bringing fake gold into training and selling it to the lads – Remi Moses told me that.<br /> It made not a jot to me though because I couldn’t work it, no use how I tried, I could not understand how many minutes added up to 90, I knew what an hour was, but not two 45 minutes put together, but in those days the FA and referees were not bothered about genuine disability amongst managers, they would attempt to just ignore it back then.<br /> After 3 years – when we had won sod all, the lads and the supporters all chipped in and gave me a birthday present of a new Casio watch which they inscribed with the words “Times Up Fergie” which was nice, but even with that I still struggled to tell the time, it’s laughable really when I look back now – a grown man unable to work a tick-tock.<br /> When I got my Knighthood from President Blair in 1999, Martin Edwards wrote to the FA to get them to make all our games last for 100 minutes, because then I could use an abacus. So they agreed to that, but some of the referees did not want to play ball, that Martin Atkinson he was the worst – disgusting man he should have been banned, never referee again, or deported for the way he used to blow his whistle bang on 90 minutes, you see I would be sat with Mikey Phelan thinking we had another 10 minutes, and that little s**t would be blowing his bloody whistle.<br /> Luckily Howard Webb came along and he would be more sympathetic to those with disabilities, he has done a lot of charity work in and around the Manchester area, well around Old Trafford. Fantastic man he will always include any time we were sat chatting during half-time, on to the end of the match – sometimes 5 or 6 minutes. Great guy was Howard.<br /> For my 100th anniversary as United Manager, Roy Hodgson &amp; Big Sam gave me a kitchen clock that would always automatically put on 6 minutes every hour – Jesus one week I lost half a day, my missus accused me of drinking it away, but I hadn’t a clue – bloody clocks.<br /> Things were to get particularly bad, I had always suffered from mood swings and had such a temper, forgetfulness and of course the eyesight would get worse. One day myself and Gary Neville were horsing around after a game – I tried to karate kick him up his boney backside, but rat like he swerved out of the way – My cowboy boot flew off and took out one of David Beckham’s eyes, his career at Old Trafford ended that day. And I completely forgot about it the next day, unaware that it had even happened, apart from the fact - my left boot was covered in claret.<br /> We loved playing Kung-Fu after matches in those early days, every Friday we would play during five aside games in training – some of the lads would get great enjoyment out of those sessions, apart from that big girls blouse Owen Hargeaves, he would turn up every Friday (Kung-Fu day) with a sick-note from his mom – The physio used to use him like a guinea pig as a punishment.<br /> Managing is all about building camaraderie , but these football lads are like children, there is always one who spoils the fun for everyone else, by taking things a little too far – Eric Cantona, another foreigner would ruin it for all the boys. I would have to dispense with Kung- Fu Friday after Eric started playing it on a Wednesday evening with a lad at Crystal Palace – As soon as the media got wind of that, we had to stop it.<br /> You will laugh at this, as an example of how it’s all affecting me, my memory has completely been shot – They told me that in 2009 there was me saying Eduardo should be banned for diving, when he was at Arsenal – I can’t remember. Then we have that other bugger Suarez flipping diving and doing somersaults all over the pitch – I can’t remember that either. You see my players were not like those foreign sorts, we had great players that did not need to dive – Ronaldo – Van Nistelrooy , the lad with the wig, Rooney – And Ashley Young who was also a fantastic swimmer by the way, he could have easily been a star of the high board in the Olympics.<br /> In all my time in football I can honestly say that I have never seen a player I have managed dive, we would in-still British values into our players – You go out there and play fairly and at the start of the game you shake your opponents hand – Be respectful of each other and the officials, well apart from that time that Scholesy and Roy Carroll refused to shake Patrick Viera’s hand after that French b*****d threw a plate of prawn sandwiches over my best mohair coat - that the missus had given me for Christmas. The lads did me proud that day and Viera should have been banned for life and should have never played for Arsenal again – He could have caused a riot that day.<br /> When I told our old goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel about Ashley Young’s high board diving - Schmeichel told me that black guys couldn’t swim – Funny guy Scmeichel was, some called him a bigot and a racist because he had a wee argument with Ian Wright, everyone remembers him calling Wrighty a black such and such – No one remembers Ian calling him a big Danish lump with a girls hair-cut, the boys can be easily wound up out there, these things just need sweeping under the carpet, and between ourselves the F.A. and the P.F.A. that’s exactly what we did, and good old Schmeichel ended on a poster promoting anti-racism .Even I would be accused of racism when I called them cheating Italians, but everyone knows they are a lying race, all I said was “ When an Italian says it’s pasta, I check under the sauce” bloody fined me £5000 after that – Sepp Blatter. I think he was Italian.<br /> Our supporters are some of the most knowledgeable in Manchester, they hate racism, but love a laugh especially with our Korean players – when they sang about them eating dogs, that made us all giggle[Starts singing] “ Park Park wherever you may be, you eat dogs in your own country” …… Aye that was funny. Sometimes the joke is lost in translation, you know – these boys can’t understand the lingo.<br /> Not like them flipping scousers what that Nazi Suarez said to our little black man Patrice Evra, well that was disgusting – He should have gone to jail for that, and you have to ask yourself why on earth he never shook Rio Ferdinand’s hand, just because Rio likes all that boom-boom bang-bang music, there was no need for that.<br /> Looking back now I assume I was always ill, people would call me a hypocrite, but genuinely I could not see very well, and my memory would be shocking – Three years after Roy Keane had left I would still put his name on the team sheet. Many a time at the Chemist with my prescription for my Wrigley’s - would you believe I forget I’m a multi-millionaire and tick the box that says I am on Job-seekers allowance so I get them for free.<br /> With Lord Fergie heading off on a tangent I draw the interview to a close, there are three less packets of gum on Alan’s armchair than when we started, and a now empty bottle that once held the vino lay disregarded on the floor.<br /> Lord Alan Fergie stays seated on his throne whilst offering me his hand to shake “ Thanks for coming Geoff” - I did not have the heart to tell the dotty old git that I was not Geoff Shreeves. I would leave with an impression that I had not seen Lord Fergie in a new light, more a confirmation of what I suspected all along.</p> <p>Find me on Twitter <a href="https://twitter.com/christobinsings" rel="nofollow">https://twitter.com/christobinsings</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51812#post-149102 Fri, 16 Nov 2012 13:19:50 +0000 Jonny Shlep 149102@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Veteran Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes has slammed the recently formed Society Of Ginger lawyers whose militant and outspoken stance against "gingerism" both on the terraces and the field of play has outraged both the player's union and the FA hierachy.</p> <p>"It's completely unnecessary and divisive" said Scholes 87 at his Salford home last night."To be perfectly honest with you I actually enjoy the abuse I get from fans and team mates because of my hair colour. Some of my finest performances both for United and England have come after I've been called a "ginger tosser" by wags in the crowd or my marker on the pitch. I mean to say it's not as if I'm a darkie or a chutney ferret is it?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141443 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:04:50 +0000 pinxit 141443@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@Perks: Yup, quite busy on the boards, innit.</p> <p>Many thanks gents. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141384 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 08:12:10 +0000 Perks 141384@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice FP. Missed it yesterday, although I missed alot!. Nice LA too. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141383 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 07:58:16 +0000 Sinnick 141383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great FP and superb pic. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141379 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 07:32:17 +0000 DustyBinLaden 141379@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well done pinxit. Great pic, great story. Particularly liked transferring of cost to the team's debt sheet. Nice one. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141378 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 07:29:49 +0000 pinxit 141378@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Blimey! A FP LA and ticker treble.</p> <p>The Biscuit gods are looking down on me today.</p> <p>Thanks all. Much appreciated. =] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141364 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 06:23:56 +0000 Squudge 141364@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>five </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141358 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 05:34:27 +0000 dvo4fun 141358@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely FP pinx. I think you get paid double for providing your own picture. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141336 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 20:05:27 +0000 Jonny Shlep 141336@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ARF!</p> <p>I'd love to be more expansive Pinx but I'm afraid I've been drinking :(</p> <p>5! (hic) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141325 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 18:44:41 +0000 Yikes 141325@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ace! Great story and pic. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141323 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 18:40:45 +0000 dvo4fun 141323@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Still laughing at the pic - when I've stopped crying I'll read the rest of the sub </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141314 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 17:43:44 +0000 Anonymous 141314@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Come on!</p> <p>What is it with you lot? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48985#post-141299 Tue, 02 Oct 2012 16:03:44 +0000 pinxit 141299@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Plans for a colossal statue of long-time manager Sir Alex Ferguson - at 316ft height, over 10 ft taller than New York's Statue of Liberty - were unveiled at Manchester United's Old Trafford ground today.</p> <p>"Sir Alex's statue, to be called 'The Beacon of the North', capturing as it does the very essence of the man, will tower above the pitch." said United's owner Malcolm Glazer. "Bestriding the stadium itself, this modern-day colossus is destined to become a permanent Mancunian landmark for generations to come."</p> <p>"The inside of the bronze statue will be hollow, with two elevators taking visitors up to a Sir Alex-themed 'park' and viewing platforms," said Glazer, "And because of the monument's exceptional height, it will incorporate a large red flashing aircraft-warning beacon artistically positioned on the manager's nose."</p> <p>Ferguson, who is now 70 years old, already has a stand named in his honour.</p> <p>The American owner revealed that, in honour of Ferguson's Scottish ancestry, the statue was to originally be called 'The Cock of the North'. "But," he explained, "after the debacle at Manchester City when they named one of the Etihad Stadium stands 'The Bell End' <em>(after Blues legend Colin Bell)</em>, we thought it might be open to misinterpretation. We had the same misgivings over an alternative suggestion ,'The Red Devil'. So we finally settled on 'The Beacon'; a more fitting tribute to the great man."</p> <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/fergie_beaconofnorth.jpg"><br /> <em>THE BEACON OF THE NORTH WILL STARE DOWN ON PLAYERS AND REFEREES ALIKE...</em></p> <p><strong>Red Light District</strong></p> <p>United already have two permanent statues outside their famous ground - one of legendary manager Sir Matt Busby overlooking the East Stand, and the other known as the 'the United Trinity' of George Best, Denis Law and Bobby Charlton. 'The Beacon of the North' will be located behind the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand and players and opponents will have his face, with flashing red nose, looking down at them during all their evening matches.</p> <p>The statue's estimated £38m cost will initially be paid for by owner Glazer and then transferred to the debts of the club, currently running at £423m. "It's well worth the money, after all, we paid more than that for Berbatov." commented Glazer.</p> <p>"We're thrilled. This colossus will add to the viability and profitability of Old Trafford as a potent global tourist attraction."</p> <p>"Though," he added, "we don't anticipate any visitors from the locality, as there aren't actually any Manchester United supporters in Manchester itself." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47559#post-136498 Fri, 31 Aug 2012 11:49:01 +0000 Queen of Tarts 136498@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Committed Man United fan, Wayne Dodge, has spoken out after his long term girlfriend, Jade Wainwright, asked him to promise to be as faithful to her as he is to his team at their civil wedding next month. <br /> "It's just not right for a bird to ask for that kind of commitment," Wayne complained. "When you choose your team they're yours for life, through the pain &amp; the glory. I've bin with Jade for 3 months already &amp; she should know I'll get bored &amp; start shafting Shareen next door soon. Same as her other 2 kids Dads did." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44621#post-127793 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 13:53:46 +0000 HenryMJUK 127793@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It’s another of one those ….. “never saw that one coming, moments”</p> <p>Leaked by a trusted source, and in advance of an official Old Trafford announcement, this reporter can today confirm the immediate appointment of Angelos Epithemiou to the PR Team which supports Sir Alex Ferguson.</p> <p>When pressed for a comment, Sir Alex indicated the club had been involved in an extraordinarily long search for a suitable candidate. “Since the passing of the late and much respected Stanley Unwin, we’ve been looking for an individual, with that unique ability to respond to any question on any subject, with authority and believability”.</p> <p>Angelos is the perfect addition to our PR Team, he will fill that void and be in a position to provide answers to questions which are beyond my remit or those questions I have previously declined (walked away from) as being “off subject”.</p> <p>So in future, when some moron of a press reporter asks the same question for the 27th time or “if” Roy of the Rovers is to be signed on £500k a week – their question will be passed immediately to Angelos for a truly misinformed and incomprehensible answer, typical of that for which he is much respected.</p> <p>Press and the electronic media, should also be pleased to learn that all pre &amp; post match interviews will run for the time allotted, without the risk of being curtailed, as has previously been the case.</p> <p>We have not been able to contact Angelos (as he is currently working from a secret location, as a speech writer, for Balls &amp; Miliband (the infamous “two Ed’s are better than one” comedy duo) - however, and should he read this - Angelos, your comments would be appreciated, we’d love to hear from you.</p> <p>A formal press release is imminently expected very soon and without further warning.</p> <p>Sports Desk Comment: </p> <p>“This appointment will significantly reduce Sir Alex’s blood pressure. Recent analysis of the 2011~12 season reveals as many as 98.9% of all questions put to Sir Alex in pre &amp; post match interviews, conferences etc., have been repetitive, off-subject, endlessly repetitive or something about nothing which may vaguely have something to do with a Manchester United player or those awful noisy neighbours down the road”. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32626#post-92845 Wed, 26 Oct 2011 14:57:32 +0000 ste 92845@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32513#post-92405 Mon, 24 Oct 2011 18:31:19 +0000 apepper 92405@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>New Zealand's happiness at the rugby world cup triumph has been mixed with sadness at the shock 6-1 defeat of Manchester United. </p> <p>Most United fans live in the southern hemisphere with a concentration in New Zealand. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29674#post-83267 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 11:25:36 +0000 Duff 83267@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sir Alex Ferguson has been left red-faced and fuming after deciding to end his self-imposed 7 year ban in speaking to BBC. The fiery Scot was told that the corporation will be happy to speak to him any time he cares to appear on the network, but added that it would be necessary to subtitle him whenever he does give interviews.</p> <p>Media insiders are speculating that the broadcaster is getting its own back and thumbing its nose at the Manchester United supremo. Head of Sport, David Coleman, denies this is the case and has issued this statement.</p> <p><em>We are delighted here at the BBC that Sir Alex Ferguson is prepared to speak to us again and we welcome whatever contributions he cares to make. However his strong regional accent and clarity of speech can sometimes leave a lot to be desired, and so as to avoid any further misunderstandings between us we feel that captions are in his case a good idea.</em></p> <p>In the light of this development it remains to be seen if Sir Alex will honour his commitment or now reimpose his ban. Close friend and family entertainer, Russ Abbott, has made it known that he thinks the Beeb's decision may just get the sporting knight's back up. "See me, see you, see me Jimmy. Hoots mon, but Sir Alex willny be impressed if I know him. Och aye the noo," he quipped to the press. Nobody laughed.</p> <p>Match of the Day presenter, (the boy) Gary Line-aker, was unavailable for comment as he was shooting yet another lucrative television commercial for Walkers Crisps. And co-host, Mark Lawernson, was also unavailable to give a view, as his agent announced that he was "feeling down and having a bit of a bad day." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14512#post-39254 Sat, 23 Oct 2010 09:41:22 +0000 dogwheels 39254@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It has emerged that Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson sought the advice of former Prime Minister Tony Blair over what to do about troubled striker Wayne Rooney.</p> <p>And, according to sources, the ex PM told Sir Alex to pander to Rooney's every demand and let him do whatever he wanted.</p> <p>The striker has courted controversy recently over his attempts to leave United, leading to him being branded by many as a "tosser".</p> <p>However, Ferguson was quick to take Blair's advice and Rooney has now signed a new contract.</p> <p>Afterwards, Rooney was quoted as saying: "I'm in charge now." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14269#post-38795 Wed, 20 Oct 2010 08:51:49 +0000 Mary 38795@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Absolutely nothing. Rixxy loves them all, school uniform or no school uniform, he's a lovin' kinda guy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14269#post-38659 Tue, 19 Oct 2010 11:32:18 +0000 Skylarking 38659@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Graham Rix!</p> <p>What's not to like? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14269#post-38593 Tue, 19 Oct 2010 01:41:11 +0000 Mary 38593@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Little Pea</strong></p> <p>Real Madrid have today confirmed a deal to bring Manchester United’s bright young Mexican striker Hernandez to the Bernabeu in July 2012 if, as expected, he becomes a world class striker. President Florentino Perez met last week with Javier Hernández Gutiérrez, “Chicharito” father and agent, as well as the Old Trafford chief executive David Gill, who prepared the ground for his sale by contrasting the financial position of Manchester United to that of the Spanish giants.</p> <p><strong>Big Bean</strong></p> <p>Speaking to a Press conference in Madrid earlier this afternoon Perez announced that a clause had been made in the contract that stated that Real would only sign the striker if he became "a truly world class player over the next 18 months”. In a ground breaking agreement Madrid would be able to pull out of the deal if Hernandez failed to score 25 plus goals in either of the next two Premiership seasons.</p> <p><strong>Yes they do eat guinea pig’s, I’ve seen them</strong></p> <p>Perez continued: “We only want the very best. If Chicharito turns out to be another Cristiano Ronaldo we have an agreement with Manchester United that we will buy him for 25 million euros plus Karim Benzema at the end of the 2011-12 season. If however he turns out to be another Karim Benzema we have an understanding that we can cancel the transfer and look for alternatives” </p> <p><strong>Charlie Drake</strong></p> <p>It is rumoured that Hernández is not the only player at Old Trafford to have such an agreement. Talking to our Sports correspondent an insider inside said: “Since the Glazer’s took over most young players at United have it written into their contracts that if they become anywhere near half decent they will be sold off to either Real Madrid or Barcelona or more depressingly Manchester City or Chelsea.” </p> <p><strong>Graham Rix</strong></p> <p>“It is common knowledge inside Old Trafford that if Wayne Rooney’s form returns and he manages not to sleep with any more elderly prostitutes he will be moving to Maine Road for £30 million at the end of the season. However if his form returns but he can’t keep his hands off old ladies tets he will be travelling down the M1 to sign for Chelsea, a club well versed in dealing with it’s employees sexual improprieties” </p> <p><strong>Bearded American Malcolm, and that’s not a euphemism</strong></p> <p>The strategy of selling off all their valuable assets to the highest bidder was defended today by club owner Malcolm Glazer: “When are the fans going to realize Manchester is not a charity, we are running a business here. We made a $70 million net profit on transfers last season, what other top European soccer team could claim that? With the sale of Rooney and possibly Hernandez if he keeps improving, we are be looking at an inventory turnover ratio of well over 10. Anyone with even a basic understanding of macroeconomics would be impressed by that”</p> <p><strong>What a load of old Gordon Tullock’s</strong></p> <p>Fans were left bemused as the American businessman then spent the next 30 minutes listing all the Economic terms he had learnt at High school including “Opportunity Cost” “Liquidity Ratio” “Average Variable Cost” “Elasticity of Demand” and his own personal favourite “Marginal Rate of Substitution”</p> <p><strong>Trotskyite but safe around children</strong></p> <p>Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment but is not known for his love of either the free market or the laws of supply and demand.</p> <p>. </p>