Forum » Tag: LHC - Recent Posts

Forum » Tag: LHC - Recent Posts http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=lhc The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 23:52:17 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php MrQ on "Large Hadron Collider banned from Olympics" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37015#post-103863 Thu, 05 Jan 2012 17:20:23 +0000 MrQ 103863@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Usain Bolt hailed a victory for common sense as a petition by top athletes to keep Cern’s supercollider out of the 2012 games convinced LOCOG to act. The Large Hadron Collider has recorded unofficial records for the 100m and 200m since racing competitively in 2009, but has been kept out of the Olympics as the organisers couldn’t guarantee fair play. ‘It wasn’t going to be fair – technically the LHC always gets a head start. As it reaches 99.99999999999% of the speed of light, time slows – so it always beats us off the blocks “, Bolt went on to say. Lord Coe was more sanguine in his response, stating that while organisers were looking forward to a brace of crowd-pleasing new records, the necessary upgrades to the race timing equipment were proving costly. “Cern themselves have spent over £10bn on equipment to detect when a Boson crosses the line – it was going to stretch our budget”. A spokeswoman for the LHC said: “ This is utter bollocks, the LHC was allowed to compete with Bolt in 10 other parallel universes – why not this one?” writinginbsl on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100942 Wed, 14 Dec 2011 12:08:57 +0000 writinginbsl 100942@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ fab many many late stars Qoxiivi on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100937 Wed, 14 Dec 2011 11:19:24 +0000 Qoxiivi 100937@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Just so fucking excellently crafted. Possibly the best article I've ever read on here. Certainly in the top five. Brilliant work. Ostsee on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100935 Wed, 14 Dec 2011 11:13:04 +0000 Ostsee 100935@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Yup, a great sub. Ludicity on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100927 Wed, 14 Dec 2011 10:02:03 +0000 Ludicity 100927@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Ta very much. Help yourselves to a complimentary neutrino. Username on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100876 Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:17:37 +0000 Username 100876@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ FP! Beauty. malgor on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100851 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 22:25:57 +0000 malgor 100851@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Great gags, all through; and, personally, I especially like the extra rubbing it in at the end! (Strong finale? Clegg will end with a whimper.) Username on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100825 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 20:21:21 +0000 Username 100825@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ "Despite the excitement, many scientists remain sceptical about the findings and claim that the Clegg is just an insignificant blip that will probably fade away in time. " Suggestion: end the story there, and leave out the last para. It's a strong finale. bonjonelson on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100773 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:16:01 +0000 bonjonelson 100773@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Fundamental political priciples may have to be abandoned if the Clegg Particle is proven. Sinnick on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100770 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:54:24 +0000 Sinnick 100770@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Quality, 5* beau-jolly on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100765 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:43:23 +0000 beau-jolly 100765@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Astonishingly accomplished. I'm buggered if I'm going to try writing anything more than a ticker if this is what I'm up against. (apart from a teeny blip in the last few words?) Vertically Challenged Giant on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100758 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:29:05 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 100758@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Ludicity's back, hooray! Have you had a breakage and decided you need to replace a mug? Just as I was starting to think my terror arrest sub might make FP too, bugger. 5* Perks on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100749 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 14:57:31 +0000 Perks 100749@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Top notch, well written. Five stars dvo4fun on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100748 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 14:54:16 +0000 dvo4fun 100748@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Oh now this is really lovely. Great idea great execution. Take 10 stars Ludic Ludicity on "Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=35868#post-100746 Tue, 13 Dec 2011 14:50:15 +0000 Ludicity 100746@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Scientists believe they may have recorded their first sighting of the elusive sub-political particle, the Clegg boson, otherwise known as The Sod Particle. The Clegg’s existence has been postulated for some time as a means to resolving strange inconsistencies in the Standard Political Model, while remaining barely detectable itself. ‘The Clegg is very tiny and only capable of weak interactions,’ explained Professor Jim Al-Khalili, ‘However, despite exerting only a very small force, it appears to play a key role in providing the mass for some of the larger political elements.’ Scientists finally made the breakthrough by bombarding a political vacuum in the House of Commons Collider with high energy levels of scorn and derision. This eventually caused the Clegg to appear, albeit only for a nanosecond, before rapidly vanishing back into the ether. ‘This brief sighting could help to explain a lot of things,’ said Professor Al-Khalili. ‘The Clegg represents a stumbling block, but if it does exist then it may provide the key to how we all ended up where we are today.’ Scientists are fascinated by the Clegg particle because it has a strange ‘reverse spin’. This means that whenever it tries to go one way, it always ends up going in completely the opposite direction. The Clegg also bridges the gap between matter and anti-matter, existing in what experts believe is a perpetual state of ‘doesn’t-really-matter’. Despite the excitement, many scientists remain sceptical about the findings and claim that the Clegg is just an insignificant blip that will probably fade away in time. Meanwhile, others are hoping that it may be possible to harness the power of the Clegg for good. ‘It may seem like something from science fiction,’ said Al-Khalili, ‘but in the future it might be possible to split the Clegg, releasing political power of such magnitude that it may be able to light up very a small torch.’ euanc on "Large Hadron Collider to cut costs by using Regular Hadrons instead" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15299#post-41771 Mon, 08 Nov 2010 20:06:14 +0000 euanc 41771@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Rowley, surely jam doughnuts are spheroid not toroid? Toroids don't have a middle in which to secure the jam; it would just drop out. I accept that both forms suffer from event horizon limitations. the coarse whisperer on "Large Hadron Collider to cut costs by using Regular Hadrons instead" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15299#post-41766 Mon, 08 Nov 2010 19:21:53 +0000 the coarse whisperer 41766@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ "I wouldn't mind so much, said Dr Philippe Le Clerc head of research, but whenever we have visiting Chinese scientists they lord it over us so. 'Oh have you none of the large hadrons then' they say 'the large hadrons are so much nicer, don't you find Wu? I so much enjoy a large hadron, I'd feel positively stunted without one.' Bloody gets on my goat." Rowly on "Large Hadron Collider to cut costs by using Regular Hadrons instead" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15299#post-41755 Mon, 08 Nov 2010 17:44:38 +0000 Rowly 41755@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ They are going to use Jam doughnuts as Torroids. The only problem is that Jam Doughnuts have a very small event horizon once you get them a certain distance from your Gob, they disappear altogether euanc on "Large Hadron Collider to cut costs by using Regular Hadrons instead" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15299#post-41743 Mon, 08 Nov 2010 16:54:09 +0000 euanc 41743@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva have been asked to cut costs by making do with Regular Hadrons from now on. With economies across Europe in crisis the cash available to support front line science projects is under intense pressure and Ministers meeting in Brussels have decided to cut the budget to the flagship project CERN. “We are all in this together,” said the UK science minister David Willetts, “and when the public sector is laying off staff to save costs making do with smaller hadrons is a small price to be paid by the science community.” “I am confident,” the minister continued, “that with ingenuity and creative thinking the staff at CERN will still be able to produce remarkable results.” The Large Hadron Collider has recently been used to bring about high energy collision of lead nuclii successfully producing mini- black holes and recreating the conditions at the time of the Big Bang. Mr Willetts urged the CERN team to try generating Pretty-Big Bangs and micro black holes or perhaps some quite dark-grey holes instead. A spokesperson for the CERN team said, “God help us all.” Ludicity on "Cern scientists reveal that God Particle sounds just like Joe Pasquale" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6989#post-18717 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:52:24 +0000 Ludicity 18717@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider have expressed concern after new audio recognition software revealed that the elusive Higgs boson ‘God Particle’ sounds just like squeaky voiced funny man Joe Pasquale. ‘We have spent years developing a sonification system to convert sub atomic collisions into audible sound waves,’ said project leader Dr Lily Asquith, ‘but when we turned it on, all we could hear was a high pitched voice singing: ‘I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.’ Some scientists have described listening to the sound of the God Particle as akin to that of a religious experience with one saying, 'every time I hear it I feel like I am being crucified.’ According to physicist Professor Brian Cox, ‘It is precisely because the Higgs particle is so elusive that it can only be heard at a nauseatingly high pitch. We were hoping to discover the secrets of the Universe but so far all we have found is an annoying song and an endless stream of very bad puns.’ The £6 billion Large Hadron Collider is designed to shed light on the most fundamental questions, although it is still no nearer to explaining how or why Joe Pasquale ever achieved any kind of success. ‘The team cannot last out for much longer,’ confessed Dr Asquith, ‘we have all been forced to wear earplugs but if it doesn’t stop singing that bloody song soon we may have to close down the entire project.’ Physicists are now working around the clock, firing millions of protons at the squeaky particle in the hope of making it shut up. ‘Quite honestly, I wish that we had never found it,’ said Professor Cox, ‘people said that we might create a black hole that would destroy the Universe, but nobody warned us about this.’ Ludicity on "Universe to shut down for a year to address 'design flaws'" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=703#post-2017 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 11:05:05 +0000 Ludicity 2017@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Universal Thanks. Dickens or Shakespeare on "Universe to shut down for a year to address 'design flaws'" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=703#post-1983 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:18:05 +0000 Dickens or Shakespeare 1983@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Nice work, but can't help thinking of "Hitchhikers Guide" and all that. Suggest you take that as a compliment. jp1885 on "Universe to shut down for a year to address 'design flaws'" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=703#post-1977 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:10:05 +0000 jp1885 1977@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <blockquote>Meanwhile, a 'vanity project' by God to develop civilised life on Earth is already 4.5 billion years overdue and horrendously over budget. </blockquote> Love that line - have a fiver! simonjmr on "Universe to shut down for a year to address 'design flaws'" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=703#post-1924 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:26:29 +0000 simonjmr 1924@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Recession blamed for shrinkage by Tories Ostsee on "Universe to shut down for a year to address 'design flaws'" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=703#post-1906 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:04:15 +0000 Ostsee 1906@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Do Creationists have a sense of humour? Ludicity on "Universe to shut down for a year to address 'design flaws'" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=703#post-1886 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:01:47 +0000 Ludicity 1886@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ 'We apologise for any inconvenience,' said God, 'but at the end of next year the Universe will be closed to carry out essential maintenance work.' The decision follows reports that there are serious design flaws in the cosmos that are preventing it from achieving it's full potential. It also appears that health and safety guidelines may have been breached because the fabric of space-time is not flame retardant. 'The Universe is perfectly safe,' insisted God, 'but people need to remember that it is a prototype and, at this early stage, there will be some teething problems.' 'We have known for some time that there is not enough matter in the Universe to keep it going,' explained physicist, Professor Brian Cox, 'the official line is that there must be a realm of invisible 'dark matter' but secretly we all suspect that God simply cocked up with the numbers.' 'The entire project is riddled with black holes,' added Professor Stephen Hawking, 'I wouldn't be at all surpised if the whole thing collapsed in on itself any day now.' The closure is just the latest in a long line of problems to dog the Universe ever since it began operating 13.7 billion years ago. The original Big Bang was postponed by a year because of 'technical issues' over how to create something out of nothing; millions of galaxies had to be recalled after being found to be 'unfit for purpose'; and plans for the expansion of the Universe continue to suffer major delays due to 'the wrong kind of gravity'. Meanwhile, a 'vanity project' by God to develop civilised life on Earth is already 4.5 billion years overdue and horrendously over budget. 'Quite honestly, if I had known it was all going to be so much trouble I probably wouldn't have bothered' said God, 'but hindsight is a wonderful thing, even if you are omniscient.' Engineering work begins in late 2011 during which time a replacement bus service will be running to your nearest parallel universe.