http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=left-alert The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 21:42:19 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57176#post-165595 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 15:32:02 +0000 Squudge 165595@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The BBC are delighted to advertise (every hour on the hour for the next 4 weeks), a blockbuster Top Gear 'special' for Easter, to be screened on Good Friday.</p> <p>During an action-packed hour and a half the team have an engineering challenge titled 'Pope my ride' where they take a subaru and convert it to an open-topped golf cart with armoured glass windows, then race their creations throught the streets of Essex. Extra points are awarded for 'bling' and as usual the boys go too far and hilarity ensues.</p> <p>After a prologued, contrived and flawless stream of swearing by Clarkson, the pontiff performs an exorcism while Jeremy's co-presenters make hilarious quips. James May pretends to be a tedious twat, by wearing sandals, a woven headband and a white robe, chuckling affably that he hasn't come in 'fancy dress'.</p> <p>Despite not having a driving licence, Benedict uses his own vehicle for 'fastest pontiff in an averagely priced car' managing the circuit in under 55 minutes.</p> <p>Hammond does his best to appear 'cute' until Benedict accidentally steps on him and then apologies profusely. A drama then unfolds where the viewing public are left in some doubt as to whether he can possibly survive his horrific injuries. He then pops up at the end of the programme as perky as ever, while Clarkson is a tad subdued and never mentions the incident again.</p> <p>There were suggestions that the programmers were going to achieve the ratings coup of a 'Good versus Evil' race around the Top Gear track, pitting the ex-pontiff's driving skills against that of ex-PM Tony Blair. </p> <p>The Top Gear top team are disappointed to announce that, unfortunately his excellency had to decline. "He wasn't too bothered about Tony, but he admitted that nothing in his papacy had prepared him for the horrific spiritual challenge of being in the demonic presence of Cherie Blair". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56612#post-163843 Tue, 19 Feb 2013 22:49:04 +0000 Squudge 163843@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was really pleased with this one. What is the matter with you all?</p> <p>&lt;tries to work up a small but perfectly formed flounce&gt; </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56612#post-163784 Tue, 19 Feb 2013 16:49:21 +0000 sponge finger 163784@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>.. clown horn ring tone - I'd shoot them all</p> <p>5 stars to rebalance the low score someone else gave you </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56612#post-163759 Tue, 19 Feb 2013 11:26:24 +0000 Squudge 163759@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The latest iPhone has been announced with a number of features to adjust both ringtone and user volume according to the surroundings. A novel app now allows for an airbag to be deployed when the speaker reaches an innapropriate threshold when barking the word 'HELLO'. Apple state that this has been designed with user safety in mind, as the airbag can deflect the worst effects of a punch in the teeth.</p> <p>As an enhancement, the iPhone can also be fitted with an algorithm that detects the background sounds associated with travelling in a train carriage, automatically triggering the 'taser' function along with the airbag. A playful warning jolt is also administered when certain key phrases are used, like 'touch base', 'rock up' and 'win win'.</p> <p>The iPhone is also able to recognise certain types of stress from intonation and can protect other end of the call. Whining, nagging and marital threats all trigger a reduction in the automatic gain control reducing the signal transmitted, enveloping the listener in a comforting silence. The makers are toying with inserting soothing yet appropriate background music, such as Chris Rea's 'road to hell', when this type of traffic is detected.</p> <p>Apple have withdrawn an earlier app that enabled users to filter unsolicited calls and inflict an automated recorded response of the sound of a 'really good wank' back at the offending call centre. The auto-response was initially designed to be triggered if the caller number is with-held. Unfortunately this resulted in some confusion for those working in government departments getting a call from the boss. Users can now 'opt in' to this feature for a strictly limited set of phone numbers, likely to be used for vote canvassing during local by-elections.</p> <p>The iPhone has an additional failsafe, where it will automatically self-destruct if programmed with that 'circus clown car horn' parpy ringtone. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127840 Thu, 28 Jun 2012 06:19:16 +0000 Sinnick 127840@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well done </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127824 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 20:03:25 +0000 Perks 127824@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Agreed. Really funny stuff. Stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127785 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 13:24:57 +0000 writinginbsl 127785@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>funny and clever</p> <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127783 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 12:54:31 +0000 Midfield Diamond 127783@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, brilliantly written and an excellent left alert. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127710 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 06:37:34 +0000 Yikes 127710@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice work!</p> <p>One small correction ... I think it should be "bloc" not "block" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127706 Wed, 27 Jun 2012 05:17:20 +0000 weematt 127706@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can't wait for synchronous swimming and the rest of the series. Great stuff. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127670 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 22:29:11 +0000 dvo4fun 127670@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Aha, it helps if I actually add the stars ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127669 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 22:28:37 +0000 charlies_hat 127669@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep, good stuff!... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127668 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 22:26:44 +0000 FlashArry 127668@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>agreed - excellent stuff </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127644 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 18:41:11 +0000 dvo4fun 127644@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>full five from me stan. Left alert in-waiting </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44567#post-127642 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 18:32:29 +0000 Stan Laurel 127642@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><em><strong>Or … A putted history of the Shot</strong></em></p> <p>Arguably the ultimate short range strategic missile, of all the Olympic field events which involve ancient forms of weaponry, the shot put is the most lethal at close range. </p> <p>Although the origins of the shot are lost in the mists of time, it is thought that in its earliest form, the shot was used by Neanderthals who hurled hand sized boulders at Neolithic man, a sight re-enacted on the streets of London by their close descendants only last summer.</p> <p>Its heyday was around the turn of the 5th Century BC, when, now refined into a heavy ball of metal, the shot was deployed in the reduction of Athens’ burgeoning tortoise population. A sport soon evolved from residents’ attempts to kill the reptiles as they scampered away from the potential danger. In a journal entry of 501 BC, the playwright Aeschylus, ironically fated to be killed by an avenging tortoise, recorded <em>‘Bagged three of the shelly bastards today. Now through to the area semi-finals.’ </em> </p> <p>The evolution of the shot led directly to the catapult, cannon and musket, but the shot’s true impact on the world of sport was not to provide us with the dullest of all Olympic field events, but to give birth to the game of football. </p> <p>During the middle ages, mediaeval knights became accustomed to spending their siege down time idly kicking shots around. Of course, they needed to wear their armour on their feet to protect themselves from the heavy shot or ball as it became known. And those brave enough to head the ball, tended to keep their helmets on.</p> <p>Despite the armour, there were many injuries, mainly groin strains from kicking such a hard ball and eventually the fledgling sport was banned in 1415 by Henry V for fear that the troops would be unfit for the Euro campaign to be held at Agincourt. Although the game was largely forgotten for the next 250 years, terms such as ‘having a shot’ and ‘Rooney has shot his bolt’ endure to this very day.</p> <p>Apart from the occasional revival as a futile duelling weapon, the shot faded into sporting obscurity until the revival of the Olympiad in 1896 when it was adopted to provide obese athletes with their own event. It went on to become the favourite sport of European Block countries and a proud symbol of the masculinity of their female athletes.</p> <p>So what is the point of the shot put? Many people think the idea pumping de sexed athletes with drugs in the cause of lumping a redundant weapon no further than a couple of yards is laughable. But this is the very point of the shot put. It is entirely useless, but its very uselessness satirises the futility of sporting endeavour. For this reason, the shot is an essential part of the Olympic Games.</p> <p><strong>Next Week:</strong> Why is the hammer called the hammer for Christ’s sake? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=185#post-608 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 08:50:47 +0000 Genghis Cohen 608@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks malgor. Was a nice surprise to see it up there.</p> <p>And full marks for living somewhere called West Bank. I, for one, would be prepared to go well beyond the asking price to get an address like that. It's exactly the type of entrepreneurial thinking - and sense of irony - this country needs more of if we are to pull ourselves out of this slump. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=185#post-543 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:36:38 +0000 malgor 543@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I particularly like it because I actually live in a place called 'West Bank' - not <em>the </em>West Bank (as it's in Scarborough) - and have had literally years of fun marking envelopes addressed to The Occupier, West Bank, 'try Israel' and putting them back in the postbox. </p>