http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=labour The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 06:17:19 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165725 Sat, 02 Mar 2013 00:54:51 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 165725@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>We need more appreciation of feedback of that calibre around here. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165719 Sat, 02 Mar 2013 00:30:33 +0000 andrewl81 165719@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks. Genuinely appreciated the feedback. All taken on board. I'll go away and edit. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165675 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 21:27:59 +0000 shaggy 165675@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>maybe 'to instigate reviews after failure of lies at by-election'? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165670 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 21:11:25 +0000 Yikes 165670@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good - FP material.</p> <p>Agree with VCG and Sinnick's points.</p> <p>Maybe 2nd last para ends with "start working on some pretty big lying" it could continue with adding a snappy and humourous example. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165578 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 13:50:45 +0000 Sinnick 165578@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, like it. 4*. Love the Bulgaria sentence.</p> <p>Agree with VCG's point, the punchline needs, er, more punch.</p> <p>If I had to pick at it, the title might be a little more succinct. Also, you could use other words or phrases to replace the word "lie" - eg, exaggerate, promise, misrepresent, misunderstand, fib, porkies, economical with truth, etc, etc. You could get away with the word or alternatives even more frequently - to good effect.</p> <p>Could mention a training course at Munchausen University ? (sorry, I just made that up) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165574 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 13:35:55 +0000 Titus 165574@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah - good theme. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165570 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 13:21:05 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 165570@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like this.</p> <p>"marginal and slightly racist liars" is a wonderful description of UKIP.</p> <p>I think it would end a little more strongly if you changed "start lying" to "get back to those sort of lies" or something. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57166#post-165564 Fri, 01 Mar 2013 12:00:33 +0000 andrewl81 165564@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The National Executive of both the Conservative Party and the Labour Party have promised to undertake a wide ranging review looking at the quality of their lies after voters in Eastleigh turned their backs the falsehoods offered by the mainstream parties.</p> <p>At the by election, caused by the resignation of legendary Lib Dem liar Chris Huhne, voters elected Mike Thornton. </p> <p>Commentators have speculated that the Liberal Democrat had won the seat after personally lying to the whole constituency. </p> <p>Local political commentator and expert on local lying Scamp Rake said, "Mike Thornton promised us all that his council would not build houses on green belt land. And then he did. That's an incedible piece of lying. When you add that to the Nick Clegg's lying over the Rennard affair and NHS reform and Student Loans you can see the efforts the Lib Dems are putting in to getting those lies out there." </p> <p>In a stunning result for marginal and slightly racist liars UKIP the voters of Eastleigh took a clear shine to their fable that 70% of Bulgaria was going to move to the constituency unless UKIP was elected.</p> <p>Scamp Rake had harsh words for David Cameron on the quality of his lying, "The Conservatives aren't lying. They are quite openly being cunts. If David Cameron wants to start winning back former Tory voters then he needs to start working on some pretty big lying. </p> <p>A former Labour party member in the constituency claimed he couldn't back Ed Milliband until he know what lies he stands for. The voter said, "Normally when it comes to lying I'd back Labour 100%. I, like many party members remember fondly the lie that took us into a war in Iraq, but that was a long, long time ago. If Ed Milliband wants to be taken seriously he needs to start lying" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55987#post-161673 Fri, 08 Feb 2013 12:38:46 +0000 andygibbard 161673@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Pressure on the Conservative are increasing after it was admitted that the Tory manifesto dates back to a document written by William the Conqueror in 1035. The scandal started when political commentators compared the scroll - reading 'Make the rich richer, peasants poorer, keep the foreigners out' - to the Tories' top tax rate cuts, welfare reforms and planned EU referendums. When questioned by a journalist at a banquet, a David Cameron aide was heard to mutter "that's all we've got", and a full admission followed later in a press release.</p> <p>Labour leader Ed Miliband today responded to the discovery in a statement, referring to the Tories as "brutal kings in their castles, widening the rich-poor divide and ignoring the need for collaboration". Chancellor George Osborne rebutted the claims though, saying: "This comparison couldn't be further from the truth. I, for one, haven't had a functioning moat since the plebs at the council forced me to install a water meter in 2010. I have also been donating £2 a month to Oxfam for well over a month." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4455#post-126008 Wed, 13 Jun 2012 17:43:29 +0000 Haywood Manley 126008@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Dollar? Prog? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4455#post-125993 Wed, 13 Jun 2012 14:50:29 +0000 riesler 125993@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>... and Roger Dean to design the cover of the manifesto. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42117#post-120356 Thu, 26 Apr 2012 16:06:40 +0000 HenryMJUK 120356@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ed: I'm baffled as to why he would actually be allowed to do this, didn't I make it clear (insisted) that he should resign after Tuesdays Red Card incident. I don't read The Sun, I get 'others' to read it for me, so I don't actually know if they printed my letter to the editor and my mate Rupert is a bit busy just now and hasn't replied to any of the emails I have sent him asking, no telling him, to campaign and garner public support for UEFA to reverse this crazy decision.</p> <p>It's like this, what he did was unacceptable, outrageous - it's as if he elected to opt out of loosing another Champions League Cup Final - how embarrasing would that have been? You would never expect the Labour Party to back away from a guaranteed defeat, would you?</p> <p>... whats more and for example, and closer to home, this just wouldn't be allowed during PMQ's in the House of Commons, imagine Ed Balls sneeking up behind and kneeing George Osborne. What is worse, he (JT) is the multimillionaire captain of the BLUE team, just like Cameron is captain of the BLUE team, why hasn't he responded to my demand for him to resign - BTW I've never seen him (JT) on the green benches, where does he usually sit? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34230#post-96760 Fri, 18 Nov 2011 20:34:50 +0000 mpaterson 96760@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ken Livingstone has admitted that he didn't vote for Matt Cardle last year, claiming to have "never heard of him". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=33356#post-94775 Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:09:05 +0000 ambrosine 94775@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ken Livingstone, purveyor of the 2012 Olympics buys up Cliff Richards Portuguese vineyard prior to the London Mayor Elections,for fear of "Olympic alcohol drought".</p> <p>Ken commented that due to the Olympics, there will be a sever shortage of alcohol in all leading supermarkets, pubs and off licenses and this is just a precautionary measure to "stock up" as he put it.</p> <p>We are very aware of a "drink" problem in the London area with Ferrel youths and alcohol binge drinking but nobody realizes that with the Olympic tourism, most pubs and supermarkets will have empty shelves catering for the Germans, Austrians and Saudi Royal Family.</p> <p> Press-TV where Ken is their leading anchorperson, stated, he had been invited to Cliffs mansion where discussions went on all night, and both had a bubbly conversation. Early morning, a deal had been done, and money changed hands. </p> <p>How much were tax payers involved in this deal? Ken remarked "that's okay, i took it from my piggy bank that i had from the old GLC days." </p> <p>Ken is warning the public to be on the lookout for other vineyards,to buy if people are having "Olympic barbecues" and "parties". </p> <p>We tried to interview Ken a few days later on his other mayoral plans, but he was too inebriated for comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31474#post-89048 Wed, 05 Oct 2011 09:22:22 +0000 Boutros 89048@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>SEO keywords: Labour, Liverpool, Conference, Great. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31474#post-89020 Wed, 05 Oct 2011 00:57:02 +0000 Boutros 89020@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>To some, the craft of search engine optimisation takes a little practice. But not for Ed Milliband. Getting those all-important keywords into the first paragraph comes naturally to the Labour leader. Take his recent speech at the Labour Conference in Liverpool:</p> <p>"Thank you Conference. It’s great to be in Liverpool. Labour Liverpool. A generation ago a Labour leader came to Conference to condemn the behaviour of a Labour Council in Liverpool. Today I come to Liverpool, proud to hold our Conference in this great city."</p> <p>SEO Gold! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30977#post-87301 Sun, 25 Sep 2011 17:59:30 +0000 kga6 87301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Political activists Labour have put a bee in the bonnet of hat shops this week by announcing that if they were in charge, they would pledge a free baseball cap for all students applying to courses with the maximum £9000 fee in place.</p> <p>‘Students are currently facing hard times’, said Ed Miliband, whose in-built sun-guarding quiff and eyebrow combination would make him ineligible to receive the free hat. ‘The least we can do is provide a complimentary cap for students who might otherwise be blinded by the glittering riches they watch go past.’ The cap will, however, have to be returned by those that earn over £65,000 a year. Miliband admitted that the first plan had been to provide a balaclava but noted that many students had already owned one since the coalition took power.</p> <p>The NUS immediately donned it's Campaign hat, claiming Miliband was just looking to ‘capitalise’ on current unrest. ‘This is nothing short of mockery. The little sun the Government does provide in Britain doesn't make owning a peaky (baseball) cap worthwhile, especially not once you've paid the national insurance to cover your head in case it blows away.’</p> <p>Hat shop owners countrywide are brimming with anger. ‘We're already in the maximum tax hair band and this move will force us to pass the hat to stay afloat. We depend on the sale of our coveted thinking caps to students.’ Would-be student G. Birtwhistle claimed he had mixed feelings on the matter. ‘Where is the money for the caps coming from? My 4 year Batchelor's degree in hat-making won't be worthwhile if all the hat shops are forced to close due to the increased corporate taxation required to fund the caps.’</p> <p>David Cameron, who secretly thinks it's a great idea but won't admit it, reacted cagily. ‘If they’re not up to something, I’ll eat my hat. The next election is years away, but they've already started the game. Well, I've got something up my sleeve.’ When pressed further he revealed little. ‘I don't want to give too much away, but think Tommy Cooper.’ Nick Clegg, wearer of many hats, was unavailable for comment, as it was his turn (again) to sit in the corner wearing the dunce cap.</p> <p>Whilst a shift of policy may be on the horizon, we currently can’t see it due to the glare. So for now we'll have to stick to the so-called Caps-Lock situation. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30074#post-84423 Tue, 06 Sep 2011 15:05:28 +0000 vertical 84423@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://tinyurl.com/3ldgc6c"></p> <p>Rumours that shadow chancellor Ed Balls retaliated against Tory critics of his 'fag-packet' economic policies by leaving deathcards on ministerial car windscreens, were firmly rebutted yesterday. A clearly furious Mr Balls shouted down journalists at a party rally saying 'Utter crap, I'll be referring these preposterous claims to the SSS' (socialist security services) before storming out of the meeting.</p> <p>Labour press spokesman Erich Schmeisser denied Mr Balls had been acting in accordance with party orders but confirmed 'high command will rigorously investigate, of course'.</p> <p>Notorious as the ace of spades calling card left on the dead bodies of vietcong soldiers by US infantry, the deathcard (inset) was employed by military 'psy-op' campaigns to inspire fear in the enemy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27755#post-76600 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 08:22:50 +0000 Fred Bayr 76600@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ed Miliband’s chief adviser was today forced out of the closet which contained his blue ties, blue socks and a David Willets blow up doll. Since taking over as leader in September, Miliband has been advised by Rory Nichols, now exposed as an undercover Conservative party member sabotaging Labour.</p> <p> Journalists from Wapping Worldwide revealed the Tories’ deplorable antics.</p> <p> The paper’s staff are tied into contracts until either their death or the paper’s closure and are only remunerated with free copies (to increase distribution). Being desperate to meet the same fate as News of The World, they decided to get in on the hacking scandal. Having hacked Paul Daniels’ phone and discovered that for all these years his “magic wand “has been a sickening euphemism guising intentions Garry Glitter would approve of, the paper decided not to publish the revelations. “They were in the public interest and thus justified the hacking”, reporter Ronnie Higgins told us. “We needed something below the belt. We considered hiring a private detective to kill a schoolgirl, then hiring a private investigator to hack her phone but we think the public are now desensitized to hacking dead children’s phones”.</p> <p> In the end the best they could get was Rory Nichols. Messages were left from Oliver Letwin advising Nichols to “tell the dim witted Harry Potter extra lookalike: a blank sheet of paper is the best policy; bring back that bafoon Balls as shadow chancellor; abolish voting for a shadow cabinet and hire Neil Kinnoch to advise on engaging red tops”.</p> <p> Margaret Thatcher left a message saying: “tell him to pull his pants down next time he’s on the BBC”. Doctors say she does not have dementia yet, which is worrying.</p> <p> A message from poor old Miliband himself reveals his depressing ignorance of the country’s workings. Regarding Mervyn King, whom he asked Rory to invite to join his PR team, he says: “I’ve heard he’s got special powers that can increase people’s interest rates”. </p> <p> Unsurprisingly no one of importance from the Tory party was available to talk but we did bump into Ken Clarke outside his local Indian. He said, “I’m utterly disgusted and betrayed by Rory’s behaviour. If he’s going to have a blow up doll of a withering Tory it should be me”! </p> <p> David Cameron, another unimportant Tory, told us “Miliband, or anyone for that matter who is obviously lying through their teeth about unethical practices should be given a second chance...” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27743#post-76549 Tue, 12 Jul 2011 17:47:36 +0000 Christopher Frost 76549@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27067#post-74380 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 15:29:49 +0000 Christopher Frost 74380@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27062#post-74370 Mon, 27 Jun 2011 14:50:15 +0000 Christopher Frost 74370@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24756#post-67239 Sat, 07 May 2011 01:30:45 +0000 greigewart 67239@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following a landslide victory for the Fantasyland Nationalist Party (FNP), leader of the country’s first ever majority government, Scrooge McDuck, announces plans to hold a referendum on independence from The Magic Kingdom.</p> <p>The surprise swing to the FNP has come as a blow to Snowwhite’s Workers’ Party who have traditionally enjoyed very strong support in the region. Speaking after narrowly retaining his seat, Bashful described the party’s embarrassment at losing many “safe” constituencies - not least of all those of some prominent frontbench figures, including Doc - their health spokesman – and Dopey, the minister formally responsible for education.</p> <p>Angus Campbell, a talking billiard ball and one of 23 new nationalist MFP’s, claimed the result demonstrated The People of Fantasyland’s desire to “take their rightful place at the top table of international politics” and “join the group of other rich, small countries”. However, Duchess – The Prime Minster of The Magic Kingdom and leader of the uncomfortable Aristocat-Dalmatian coalition government – was quick to point out how countries previously described by McDuck as part of “the axis of prosperity” have recently fallen on hard times. She highlighted in particular Princess Aurora’s Kingdom which recently had to be bailed out by Prince Philip after the entire country fell into a curse-induced slumber.</p> <p>While the vote looks certain to go ahead, polls suggest two thirds of Fantasyish people do not want to dissolve the union. Voters frequently cite turbulent economic conditions and patriotic pride stirred up by the recent marriage of the popular Princess Jasmine to a commoner, Aladdin (now Prince Ali of Ali Ababwa), as reasons for retaining the status quo. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23383#post-63428 Sat, 02 Apr 2011 13:35:45 +0000 rikkor 63428@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Funny. Five. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23383#post-63426 Sat, 02 Apr 2011 13:20:14 +0000 benjball 63426@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Scientists at the University of Sheffield have taught Deryck (a 14 year old, West African Common Chimpanzee) to recognise that the history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles.</strong></p> <p>Scientists were originally concerned that the phenomenon was one of phrases being mindlessly repeated, without being understood. Their fears have been allayed after extensive consultation with sociologists and Labour Party whips.</p> <p>Dr John Portland, a Senior Lecturer in Socio-biology, noted that “for months now, Deryck has displayed characteristics which suggest that he is fully conscious of the oppression of the proletariat. He waxes lyrical against every breath taken by police officers, he blames Thatcher when his football team looses, and he insists that the Labour Party is still a legitimate voice of the working class.”</p> <p>In an exclusive interview the Chimpanzee revealed the source of his convictions: “my grandparents suffered unimaginably in the 80s at the hands of that Thatcher bitch... probably... in any case, I'll support Labour as long as they continue to make me feel like I'm loyal to my roots but, at the same time, not actually lowering my standard of living like real socialism would.”</p> <p>“Also, the bourgeoisie has stripped of its halo every occupation hitherto honoured and looked up to with reverent awe. It has converted the physician, the lawyer, the priest, the poet, the man of science, into its paid wage labourers... whatever the fuck that means.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21683#post-58636 Wed, 23 Feb 2011 17:29:40 +0000 cuckoowatoo 58636@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In an attempt to prove that she is not too ‘posh to push’ Victoria Beckham has today announced her intention to appear on the Channel 4 hit show 'One Born Every Minute'.</p> <p>Baby number four is due this summer and the Beckhams are said to be excited about their appearance on the programme. </p> <p>Staff at the Princess Anne Hospital are delighted that the Beckhams have chosen to have their baby there and are confident she will receive the same level of care as in a Private hospital. Ros, a coordinator Midwife at the hospital, has exclusively revealed that they will be pulling out all the stops to accommodate the couple. Plans include the sourcing of 'Tesco’s Finest' bread along with some fancy teabags for Victoria’s post labour toast and tea. </p> <p>Victoria is planning a silent birth in an attempt to impress her friends Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, however staff at the hospital envisage she will be hysterical and demanding a general anaesthetic soon after the first contraction.</p> <p>David is expected to appear alongside his wife supporting her. The show's Producer, Daniel Soiseth, says that male birthing partners usually have a sneaky “quick go” on the gas and air, this has the effect of making them somewhat incoherent and unable to string a sentence together – he predicts that in David’s case the Midwifes won’t suspect a thing.</p> <p>The couple have confirmed that their little girl will be named South’ampton after the seaside town she will be born in.</p> <p>The episode will be aired this autumn. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50878 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 14:00:00 +0000 IABP 50878@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can you condense the whole sub into a one-liner? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50871 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 13:41:11 +0000 Golgo13 50871@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50869 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 13:34:19 +0000 riesler 50869@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Maybe we would be better having Richard Hammond as transport secretary? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50849 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:44:52 +0000 Doylem 50849@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>I would rather guide my father into my mother than build the bloody thing.</blockquote></p> <p>Made me laugh, despite myself... </p>