http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=john-prescott The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 18 May 2013 17:01:46 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19504#post-52553 Tue, 04 Jan 2011 22:56:19 +0000 Matt T 52553@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The earthquake which hit northern England at 9pm last night has been blamed on John Prescott who fell off a ladder whilst reaching for some pies, sending shockwaves through Skipton.</p> <p>The former MP and failed anorexic is said to have been suffering a mid-evening yearning for a couple more packs of mince pies before beginning his annual January detox.</p> <p>House of Lords chums say that Lord “Of course I don’t want a peerage” Prescott had already scoffed four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree which unsurprisingly had left him feeling rather peckish.</p> <p>Some commentators have suggested that Mr Prescott might have misunderstood Government healthy eating guidelines leading him to wrongly believe that the “5-a-day” advice applied to Christmas treats as well as fruit, vegetables and shagging his secretary, although this was denied by a spokesman.</p> <p>Lord Prescott’s lovely wife Pauline emerged from one of her husband’s many Jags to defend him against the accusations, saying: “John and I are deeply hurt by the scurrilous allegations in today’s tabloids. Although my husband has often been correctly described as a ‘political heavyweight’ he was not the cause of yesterday’s earth tremors. In fact he was making love to me at the time and I can categorically assure you that the earth did not move at our house.”</p> <p>Lady Prescott continued, “In any case, John’s not allowed up ladders these days. Our lovely Polish au-pair Monika does all that for him whilst he thoughtfully stands below and looks up intently to ensure that she doesn’t fall. Although come to think of it, both our sons grew up and left home years ago so I’m not sure why we have an au-pair…”</p> <p>Local MP William Hague was also hit by the incident whilst saying in a Leeds Travelodge after it caused him to trip and fall naked onto the pre-lubed cock of a male researcher with whom he was holding a strategy meeting. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3735#post-10714 Tue, 04 May 2010 15:52:53 +0000 Duff 10714@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hopeful Prime Ministerial candidate, David Cameron, is reported to be keeping a low profile today, following amazing revelations that during his time at top toffs' school, Eton College, he was excused the ancient ritual of having to 'fag' for senior boys.</p> <p>Cameron's old housemaster, Nigel Rigel, has released the sensational news with just two days to go before Briton's cast their votes, in what many pundits are calling, the "too close to call general election". He told reporters:</p> <p>"David was something of a wimp at school and seemed to have a sick-note for almost every activity within the curriculum. And this aloofness also extended to other aspects of school life. Whereas other boys were delighted to be treated as slaves and were frequently thrashed to within an inch of their lives by boorish bullies who accused them of having buttered their crumpets incorrectly, David refused to join in with the rough and tumble of it all. In my opinion it makes him quite unsuitable to hold any sort of high office"</p> <p>However Tory Grandees are hotly disputing Mr Rigel's comments and are rallying to Mr Cameron's defence; slamming the report as nothing short of a beastly smear campaign by nasty dirty grubby little left-wing ticks and oiks. One said:</p> <p>"This is a beastly smear-story and quite simply not true. David was well-hard an that when he was at Eton, and had no trouble handing out beatings to smaller and younger boys. Particularly when he was a member of The Bullingdon, along with Boris Johnson"</p> <p>It remains to be seen if this startling news will "piss on Mr Cameron's chips" and lead to numbers of supporters turning their backs on him in their droves. </p> <p>All of course, will be revealed come Friday morning, when Mr Cameron may, or indeed may not, receive a mandate to govern these islands. </p>