http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=jesus-christ The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 03:40:57 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36611#post-102618 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 23:09:05 +0000 bobo lutz 102618@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A provision in the much maligned No Child Left Behind Act has helped Arne Duncan, United States Secretary of Education, succeed where Jesus Christ failed. What is particularly remarkable is that Duncan’s success came without 140 mile per hour winds, a record storm surge and tornadoes.</p> <p>At yesterday’s press conference in the white house’s south auditorium, Duncan announced that he had expelled Louisiana and Mississippi from the union. Duncan’s move, coming in the wake of dire fourth grade reading results, boosted the nation’s overall reading proficiency from 30% to 90%. </p> <p>“I would like to thank those who showed faith in me as I single-handedly raised our country’s reading proficiency to its highest level ever. Your faith inspired me to succeed where unfunded mandates, feel good initiatives, and Hurricane Katrina all failed”.</p> <p>Jeffrey Hosher of Fox News asked Duncan if he would address criticism that he acted in haste by not giving the Son of God an opportunity to perfect his hurricane skills.<br /> Duncan said, “Son, the simple truth is that poor kids cannot be taught to read because they are cognitively deficient. Over 90% of the children in Mississippi and Louisiana live in filthy hopeless poverty and their fathers, the few who actually stick around long enough to knock mommy up for the 10th time, are stick legged alcoholics with distended livers and bulbous noses who thankfully die before they’re 30. My detractors, bless their hearts, would have preferred that we kick the proverbial dead horse and sink billions into initiatives that have never and will never work in Mississippi or Louisiana”.</p> <p>Duncan continued “It seems that my esteemed detractors didn’t know we were surpassed in reading by Australia. Yes, you heard right. Fucking Australia”. “And get this. We were only three percentage points above the mother fucking Isle of Crete”. “My respected detractors would have me sit on my butt hoping and praying that the next big one will actually hit at 30 degrees North Latitude this time”.</p> <p>Christiane Amanpour of CNN News said, “Ninety six percent of Louisiana residents and ninety seven percent of Mississippians rely on public assistance for basic needs and, now that these states have been severed, residents will not have access to medical care, food or clean water. Young children and the elderly will be the most severely affected with hundreds of thousands dying from everyday diseases like the common cold while competition for food will escalate to violence. Chaos will rule until a group of militant extremists takes over and enslaves the rest. They will commandeer the food sources and weapons and those who don’t die by random executions will suffer slow agonizing deaths from starvation. Does this bother you, Mr. Duncan?”</p> <p>“No”.</p> <p>After the conference, Duncan graciously gave me a moment of his time to answer a question. I asked why he didn’t expel Texas, also. </p> <p>He said, “Picture for a moment how United States citizens would react if they couldn’t watch the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders do that pretzel move or their pole dancing routine. That’s the closest many guys come to scoring anything. The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are a symbol of what all of our little girls can aspire to”. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=17615#post-47754 Fri, 03 Dec 2010 19:52:02 +0000 Mr.3374 47754@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>When he spoke, he always dropped his aitches<br /> Know what I mean, Arry? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=17615#post-47717 Fri, 03 Dec 2010 17:00:42 +0000 bonjonelson 47717@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Funniest thing he ever said </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=17615#post-47710 Fri, 03 Dec 2010 16:24:22 +0000 Pabst Blue Ribbon 47710@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>He may be gone, but his legacy lives on.</p> <p>H<br /> That was his catch-phrase. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=17615#post-47631 Fri, 03 Dec 2010 12:57:16 +0000 andhrimnir 47631@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bloody irresponsible, I nearly crashed my helicopter into the NB site. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=17615#post-47613 Fri, 03 Dec 2010 12:06:56 +0000 bonjonelson 47613@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://www.cooperativeindividualism.org/h.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6928#post-18651 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 07:03:39 +0000 Scroat 18651@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>FP if ever I saw one. Have some stars.</p> <p>You will go to Hell of course, but WTF! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6928#post-18643 Wed, 23 Jun 2010 06:09:38 +0000 Genghis Cohen 18643@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I will never cease to find the existence of a white, bearded deity anything less than hilarious. Until he sends me somewhere hot.</p> <p>Thanks games. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6928#post-18584 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 17:43:40 +0000 fun and games 18584@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think we have a Religion correspondent, just as Doran does the fluffy Rom Com stuff (well he used to before he cleared off). How many Religion based FPs is that then Gengo in recent months (you never know, this may even get the nod)? I am just glad you have seen the light and started subbing again. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6928#post-18544 Tue, 22 Jun 2010 13:25:39 +0000 Genghis Cohen 18544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Newly discovered evidence suggests that the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, presumed to have been ordered by the Roman prefect Pontius Pilate, may in fact have been a tragic accident caused by Jesus himself while performing some outdoor DIY. A respected Christian historian now believes that the Son of God may have inadvertently nailed himself to two planks of wood after getting in a tangle attempting to put up some shelves.</p> <p>‘Everyone knows that Jesus loved his DIY, and of course he had carpentry in his blood – or would have done if Joseph’s hole-boring kit had been up to it,’ said Dr Charles Forster of Cambridge University. ‘Who can forget the stilts he made for everyday lake crossing, or the pulpit-on-wheels from which he delivered the Sermon on the Mount? People came from miles around to watch his DIY demonstrations, but it now seems he came to a sticky end after doing himself a mischief teaching an open-air class on bookcase construction.’</p> <p>Continued Forster, ‘All the evidence indicates that Jesus accidently nailed his hand to one of the planks while trying to fix it in place, drove the other plank into the ground to stop it falling over, and before he could say ‘Transubstantiation’ he’d pinned himself to a makeshift cross like a flyer for a Leprosy self-help group on the Nazareth temple notice board.’</p> <p>Although Forster accepts that his is a controversial version of events, he argues that it is entirely corroborated by the Gospels, including sayings by Jesus such as ‘It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to get these bloody shelves level’ and ‘Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the YOUCH! No, I’m fine. No, really.’ He also cites Pilate's pejorative title for Jesus, 'the Bringer of Screws'.</p> <p>While some historians dispute Forster’s claims, he simply points them in the direction of Jesus’s final words as recorded in Mark, chapter 15, verses 21-25: ‘So there you go, a couple of sturdy shelves for you to keep your favourite books on. Well, you can certainly use the one attached to your arms as a bookshelf, the other is more for support if I’m honest. And don’t forget that it also doubles as an excellent upright bed. Now I’m just going to catch me some rays up here and maybe have 40 winks. Same time on Sunday everyone when we’ll learn how to knock up a lovely wooden tomb with a concealed door for fooling all your friends.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=352#post-1055 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 12:05:01 +0000 Mary Evans 1055@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You're not bad at this writing malarky, Genghis. You should try it more often. Ten! Or whatever the de rigeur equivalent is these days... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=352#post-1052 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 11:51:08 +0000 Ostsee 1052@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>But already booked are his support singers, Mary and the Magdelenes, but his band is still looking for a replacement who went 'Roman', so to speak. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=352#post-1039 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 10:33:29 +0000 Genghis Cohen 1039@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>With his fans getting increasingly impatient for the follow-up to his era-defining live performances, management acting for global megastar Jesus Christ were yesterday again forced to confirm that the artist remains holed up in the studio working on his long-awaited second coming. Many industry insiders believe that the performer’s best days are behind him, but despite no indication of when we might hear some new material from Christianity’s No.1 artist, die-hard fans are still keeping the faith.</p> <p>‘When he first appeared it was like he came out of nowhere,’ said Garth Chivers, editor of trend-setting weekly, the New Theological Express. ‘He was young and fresh, really of the moment, and he took things in an exciting new direction. There’s no doubting the lasting influence of his seminal early work – it’s just that the scene has moved on and those saviour stylings just sound so old skool now.’</p> <p>‘It’s never easy following up a classic debut. Just look how things turned out for The Stone Roses,’ said Ellie Carl, chief writer for respected industry organ, Me and My Maker. ‘You’ve got to strike that difficult balance between giving the old fans more of what made you famous, while taking things on artistically and appealing to the younger demographic who weren’t there the first time round. These days the industry simply demands that kind of regular reincarnation. Still, I’d be amazed if his management dropped him.’</p> <p>Industry rumours are that Jesus has been suffering from saviour’s block and struggling to find a new angle on the same old themes of peace and love to all men, but his management insist he is putting the finishing touches to new material with his regular backing group and label-mates, The Disciples. ‘The new stuff will be darker and edgier than his earlier work, reflecting his experiences in the industry. Jesus really feels as if the critics built him up in order to, well, not knock him down exactly, but just leave him dangling there, you know.’</p> <p>A spokesman for Christianity last night confirmed that details of Jesus’s comeback ‘This Really Is It’ tour will be announced shortly. It’s thought a promotional DVD, ‘What Jesus Did Next’, is also in the pipeline, with a ‘making of’ documentary that sceptics are really looking forward to, as well as re-issues of his classic Holy Roman Empire tour T-shirt, ‘I’m with the banned’. But despite demand, tickets for his live shows are expected to be extremely limited, with bouncers at venues given clear instructions only to issue ‘Access All Areas’ passes to those whose names are on the guest-list. </p>