http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=jennifer-aniston The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 06:32:26 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1768#post-5003 Wed, 31 Mar 2010 08:59:04 +0000 Darkbill 2.0 5003@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A new report from an influential group of genealogists says that 50.22 per cent of men, roughly half the total population of the earth, can be linked romantically to American actress Jennifer Aniston, simply by being in her presence.</p> <p>Professor Geoffrey Winstanley, Head of Cambridge University’s Celebrity Genealogy Studies Unit, says, “We discovered that male co-stars of Aniston are likely to show signs of 95-97 per cent romantic linkage, with that figure rising to an irrefutable 98/99 per cent speculated linkage if they are already married or currently dating someone else. The team took a series of measurements of brainless web chatter and vacuous newspaper speculation and when combined with a steady stream of ill-informed data from glossy women’s mags concluded that being male and within a ten foot radius of Aniston increased the chances of being labeled the ‘new love in Jen’s life’ by a ratio of 89:1.</p> <p>“As men make up just over half of the entire 6,790,062,216 people on earth this means the chances are very good that you or someone you know could be romantically-linked to Aniston should she ever visit your town, or you land a part in one of her movies. Maybe you are just bringing her a coffee and you are big on Y-chromosomes. Boom, you’re dating. At least that’s the theory.”</p> <p>It is rumoured that Aniston’s publicist has repeatedly stated that Aniston’s relationships with male colleagues and acquaintances are ‘merely good friendships’ so many times that she has resorted to having a pre-prepared statement printed on laminated cards, and now simply sends them to the media on a weekly basis. The name of the current alleged beau is tippexed out and updated in marker pen.</p> <p>The remaining 49.75 per cent of the population are female and there is so far no evidence Aniston is romantically interested in them – despite male scientists insisting this would be ‘amazing’ and almost certainly something they’d like to document, probably on video. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1004#post-2568 Tue, 16 Mar 2010 10:26:30 +0000 Scroat 2568@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought Sam Mendes got shot at Stockwell tube station about five years ago. Shows how much I know. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1004#post-2564 Tue, 16 Mar 2010 10:19:55 +0000 Ostsee 2564@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There is a queue. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1004#post-2551 Tue, 16 Mar 2010 09:40:58 +0000 jp1885 2551@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A 47 year-old Dudley singleton has received a 'shot in the arm' to his dreams of finding love, after it was announced that glamorous actress Kate Winslet is to split from her husband, director Sam Mendes.</p> <p>Double glazing fitter Nigel Trudd claims that, while he has every sympathy for Ms. Winslet's family, news of the split couldn't have come at a better time. 'I was beginning to lose hope about ever marrying a Hollywood starlet to be honest. The break-up of any marriage is bound to have devastating effects on loved ones, and I can only imagine what the kids must be going through - but it's bloody great news as far as I'm concerned.'</p> <p>In preparation for Ms. Winslet's eventual return to the UK, Trudd is planning a 'rigorous' campaign to woo the Titanic star. 'At such a difficult time she's bound to return home, and I'll be waiting with a box of Ferrero Rocher and a big bunch of flowers - now Mother's Day is over the florists are knocking out unsold bouquets at half the price, so if she could get a move on and return before Easter it'd be a great help.'</p> <p>Trudd first set his sights on Oscar-nominated Winslet after failing to win the hearts of movie stars Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. 'You can blame Brad Pitt for that,' he asserts, 'on both occasions I was just about to board the plane to Hollywood, only to read that he'd steamed in there before me. It's not fair - what's he got that I haven't? He may be a major silver-screen heart-throb but does he run a successful double glazing business specialising in PVC doors? For that matter does Vince Vaughan part-own his own flat in the heart of the Black Country? No - well, not that I know of anyway.'</p> <p>For Trudd, the path of true love has yet to run smooth, but he is hoping that this time things will be different. 'So far I've been unlucky, what with that court case and those restraining orders, but good things come to those who wait - soon I'll be calling myself the future Mr. Kate Winslet! Or Megan Fox if no-one's giving her one at the moment - in all fairness I can't afford to be fussy at my age.' </p>