http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=israel The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 23:23:27 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-150075 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 15:27:53 +0000 waylandsmithy 150075@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The swans sank quite badly. No, was talking about the NB footie one: just seemed a bit 'meh' and not really newsworthy. They don't have FPs over there, just rolling news. It's good Zen, very democratic. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-150073 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 15:01:08 +0000 Qoxiivi 150073@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What, your swan one? I thought that was fucking ace. Especially "...or at least wind their necks in." and "Then with a bit of red tape, we simply tie their necks off a little shorter." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-150070 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 14:38:59 +0000 waylandsmithy 150070@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nicely done, and I see it's already doing well on Facebook. A much stronger story than today's weak FP, imho. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-150069 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 14:28:35 +0000 Rowly 150069@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good, I like the PPI<br /> should be used everywhere </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-150067 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 14:16:20 +0000 Qoxiivi 150067@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>NOTE: This is now being used elsewhere. Really sorry if any of the editorial staff were planning on using it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-149937 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 20:23:24 +0000 Qoxiivi 149937@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you all, and agreed, DE: shorter and with added bombardment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-149935 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 20:09:20 +0000 Dick Everyman 149935@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice stuff - not sure about title - would 'Palestinians bombarded with unsolicited accident compensation texts' work better? Just a thought but great content especially this:</p> <p>......Israelis will be coming to repossess my rubble tomorrow.'</p> <p>Stars! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-149922 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 19:07:56 +0000 dvo4fun 149922@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wot screenie said </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-149896 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 17:15:14 +0000 Screenie 149896@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Rocket chasers.</p> <p>Awesome all the way, particularly like the repossession of rubble. Do you have a number I can text these stars to? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52070#post-149873 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 15:50:56 +0000 Qoxiivi 149873@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thousands of Palestinians are having their misery of living under perpetual subjugation further compounded by incessant texts telling them they're entitled to compensation for the accident they had or exploded home they're under.</p> <p>The texts, whilst initially appearing to offer a ray of hope for many inside the besieged territory, then simply direct respondents to various American and Israeli premium-rate lines.</p> <p>'It’s just a scam!' says Rashid Nasser, whose home was destroyed for being within 60 yards of a sandwich shop occasionally frequented by men that an Israeli spy-plane suspected might know a Palestinian journalist.</p> <p>'I'm never calling those things again. I was hoping for some help but I just got redirected to a grainy recorded message of some men laughing. It was the second text I'd received in as many minutes. The first one said 'You and your family are entitled to be murdered for that region you live in.' I replied with 'STOP' but I can only assume they didn't get it as moments later my house was destroyed.'</p> <p>'Now, that one text and phone call have bankrupted me. And I've been told that the Israelis will be coming to repossess my rubble tomorrow.'</p> <p>Despite being a blatant contravention of international law, President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, has said they are powerless to do anything about the texts.</p> <p>'Put it this way, we don't generally have much luck in the courts. Besides, we've been inundated with these too. I've had seven texts in the last few days telling me I could claim for being mis-sold Palestinian Persecution Insurance; or the Universal Declaration of Human Rights as I think it's more widely known.'</p> <p>'Alas,' he continued, 'that too just redirects me to an expensive foreign number for another organization that's of no use whatsoever... called The UN, or something.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51939#post-149673 Tue, 20 Nov 2012 12:50:00 +0000 Jonny Shlep 149673@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shish thanks mate, but there's no need to make a meal of it for tuck's sake. I hope you're not trying to curry favour!</p> <p>Sorry about that folks. It's been a long old morning :( </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51939#post-149590 Mon, 19 Nov 2012 22:04:41 +0000 Squudge 149590@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>what a pitta<br /> never mind</p> <p>...worth a ticker at the very least </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51939#post-149517 Mon, 19 Nov 2012 12:30:39 +0000 Jonny Shlep 149517@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There were fresh calls for an immediate ceasefire in the war torn Middle East last night after an Israeli F16 jet fighter targeted and destroyed a kebab shop in Upton Park East London leaving the proprietor and 12 customers dead.</p> <p>It is believed the tragic mix up occurred when the pilot was told to "Get me some hummus" by his flight commander who merely wanted him to bring him over a snack from the canteen after ending his sortie over Palestine.</p> <p>A witness to the carnage was Tony Summers, the owner of a greengrocers just across the road from the stricken fast food shop.</p> <p>"It was absolutely diabolical to be honest" said Mr Summers 57 "I was just arranging a few oranges in the display outside the shop when this fighter jet came screaming in and launched a missile which absolutely flattened the kebab place. The poor bastards inside never stood a chance. It's an absolute tragedy for the whole community and a downright diabolical liberty.</p> <p>" Tariq, the geezer who owned it, was an absolute diamond and did the best donner with chili sauce and hummus for miles around. Gawd knows what I'm going to do at lunchtimes now. I'll probably have to get the old woman to make me a packed lunch or something. Absolutely bloody terrible!"</p> <p>The Israeli airforce issued a brief statement last night.</p> <p>"While we deeply regret this terrible tragedy and send our condolences to the families of all those affected we'd like to reiterate that we only target military installations or crowded blocks of flats which may or may not have the odd Palestinian terrorist living there and that regrettably there will always be a degree of collateral damage, whether it be a school, a mosque or even as we saw on this occasion, the odd snack bar thousands of miles from the theatre of war so we're sorry about that"</p> <p>A memorial service for the dead is to be held on Thursday at the East London Church Of Christ, Spitalfields with a free fish supper thrown in afterwards. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109987 Sat, 18 Feb 2012 08:07:55 +0000 Haywood Manley 109987@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Cup a Soups" or "Cups a Soup"? As in "attorneys general". Sorry, turned into Lynne Truss there for a second. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109985 Sat, 18 Feb 2012 05:27:56 +0000 Username 109985@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Missed reading this story the first time because the headline/concept was so good. Nicely paced and good rhythm. Glad it made the FP. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109975 Fri, 17 Feb 2012 22:30:51 +0000 Quaz 109975@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Israel already has it's own kettle, though it never admitted it and imprisoned the man who told on them. If Iran really go for theirs then we're all in hot water. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109961 Fri, 17 Feb 2012 20:46:43 +0000 RickH 109961@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Take the credit where you can get it these days, there's little enough about.</p> <p>I like the "out of context" bit a lot.</p> <p>Also proves engineers do have a sense of humour, at least amongst themselves. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109942 Fri, 17 Feb 2012 17:52:09 +0000 hughesroland 109942@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This was entirely unintentional, although since I may seem more smart as a result, perhaps I shouldn't feign ignorance. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109940 Fri, 17 Feb 2012 17:49:30 +0000 RickH 109940@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>it's also true - my nuclear engineering friends (submarines) refer to the reactor as the 'kettle' since all it does is boil water.</p> <p>.. though possibly not for pea &amp; ham cup-a-soups in Iran. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109908 Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:43:34 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 109908@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like this a lot. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109900 Fri, 17 Feb 2012 11:52:41 +0000 HenryMJUK 109900@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Let’s hope a full range of consumer products are rushed into production …..</p> <p>…. nuclear powered …. shavers, hair dryers, curling tongs, mobile phones, music players …. pressure cookers, microwaves, blenders …. mopeds, 2CV6’s ….</p> <p>….. i.e. all the things which we love, but for no apparent reason, break easily and have to be replaced </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38780#post-109859 Thu, 16 Feb 2012 23:13:03 +0000 hughesroland 109859@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In an attempt to allay Western fears it is on the verge of producing a nuclear weapon, Iran says it is merely aiming to produce the world's most powerful kettle, heated by nuclear power.</p> <p>On Thursday, the Iranian Ministry of Nuclear Deception released sketches of what it called a 'mega-kettle', 400 metres tall and 100 metres wide, and buried a mile underground near mountains close to Tehran.</p> <p>'This machine - the world's greatest and largest heater of water - is so large it can be powered only by nuclear rods, which are coincidentally also able to fit into weapons that would destroy the Israeli infidels,' said the Minister of Deception, Ali al Missavaei. He said the giant nuclear kettle would be capable of producing enough boiling water every hour to supply 170,000 Cup a Soups.</p> <p>Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said: 'All along, we have only been producing this kettle, and not splendid, shiny bombs that could wipe our eternal enemy Israel off the planet at the touch of a button. Our intentions have always been innocent, and any claims I may have made that I would not sleep until the blood of every Israeli man, woman and child ran into the soil were taken out of context. Anyone fancy a cuppa?'</p> <p>A spokesman for the Israeli Ministry of Disinformation said Israel would soon be seeking to build a nuclear kettle of its own. 'If our enemy is able to fill the hot water bottles of all its people through the glory of nuclear power, and make Ovaltine for every citizen at night, then we too should have that same right.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28367#post-78989 Mon, 25 Jul 2011 12:44:13 +0000 Qoxiivi 78989@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Israeli chamber orchestra has struck a telling blow in what experts fear could turn into a never-ending war of contrition between Israel and its historical enemies.</p> <p>Roberto Paternostro’s decision to lead his orchestra in playing Siegfried Idyll, a piece by famously anti-Semitic composer, Wagner, has prompted expectation of a sympathetic backlash by political and religious extremists; eager not to be one-upped.</p> <p>Israeli Minister of Foreign Affairs, Avigdor Lieberman, is resolute about the move, “If we want to play music by Hitler’s favourite composer, we will – it’s just further proof we’re the bigger man in all of this. I don’t see Hamas or the BNP booking Jackie Mason. They wouldn’t have the chutzpah.”</p> <p>However, the PLO have already launched two pre-emptive gestures of goodwill. Just three hours after a man wandered into a crowded Jerusalem marketplace strapped with Toblerones, six rocket-propelled gift-hampers landed in Tel Aviv, each filled with sweets, gift vouchers and a grainy video of a man claiming responsibility for the packages before wishing everyone well and then beheading himself.</p> <p>Mahmoud Abbas has warned Israel that this is just the beginning, “We will never give up. In fact, we might even start claiming responsibility for things we haven’t done, then apologising and offering to help clean up afterwards. If that doesn’t work, we will have no choice but to start bulldozing our own homes. We shall not stand by while they make us look foolish.”</p> <p>It seems though, that Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, may have already had the last word on the matter by being unavailable for comment, after refusing to recognise his right to exist. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56794 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 16:29:17 +0000 rikkor 56794@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like it. Cinq. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56790 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 16:12:55 +0000 be reasonable 56790@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Labrador at war with Newfoundland. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56757 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 14:28:05 +0000 CAC 56757@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks.</p> <p>Ha ha at rubbish insect. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56752 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 14:16:14 +0000 malgor 56752@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@CAC - edit button is like a rubbish insect. It has a life-span of 6 hours. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56746 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 13:53:25 +0000 CAC 56746@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sorry to make the revised version as a second submission. I couldn't spot the 'edit' button on my first effort. Does the 'edit' option disappear once the submission has replies? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21030#post-56714 Wed, 09 Feb 2011 11:01:03 +0000 CAC 56714@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A Cumbrian village is feared to be perilously close to all-out conflict following a terrier's angry accusation that a labrador is intruding "repeatedly and with clearly provocative intent" into disputed territory in front of the terrier's garden gate.</p> <p>In the latest of a series of skirmishes, yesterday saw a cross-border dental exchange through the railings, with Nipper, 6, claiming that the labrador's "jaunty tail angle" compelled him to attempt an intercept. </p> <p>"There is long-standing acceptance that the Gate Zone, whilst not strictly mine, is a crucial buffer territory," said Nipper, "Although Goofy claims to have gone astray whilst hiking there were clear signs that his incursion was for intelligence-gathering. I monitored him closely while he sniffed fenceposts within the Zone, and I had reason to fear that a urinary attempt at territorial acquisition was imminent."</p> <p>The stand-off has a long history, dating from Nipper's arrival in the village and his immediate instigation of a total exclusion zone of one mile around his home. Dogs who already lived there were forced to assert their traditional right of occupancy, and prolonged negotiations were necessary to ensure all dogs had right of passage to the nearby park. A strip of land running past Nipper's garden was set aside for this purpose, but Nipper insists that the strip is restricted to the other side of the road, where there is no pavement. </p> <p>A crossbreed livestock-worrier who preferred not to be named said that she had to cross the strip daily to get to her place of work. "Nipper's unilateral restriction of the strip to the other side of the road means I'm at risk of getting run over on my way to chase sheep. It's his way of trying to get me out of the village altogether."</p> <p>Daphne, a Golden Retriever, accused Nipper of setting up ad hoc checkpoints throughout the village. "Every time I pass him he inspects my credentials and he is really aggressive about it. It's humiliating." Nipper admits that the inpections are conducted "with some force" but argues that as a small dog surrounded by large and powerful neighbours he has a right of "pro-active self-defence".</p> <p>In a move widely regarded as a means of ramping up inter-canine tension, he has begun to claim that Goofy's affable exterior is a front and that his "dangerously long and waggy tail" amounts to a mass-destruction capability. Nipper cites legal advice suggesting that the waggy tail renders all agreements void and entitles him to leap the fence in a pre-emptive strike.</p> <p>The anti-Nipper camp appears to be weakened by internal disagreement. Questioned by reporters, Goofy, in a clear attempt to avoid further escalation of the situation, would only comment "Hello, will you be my friends? I like biscuits." But a spokesman for the labrador later delivered a much more hard-line statement. "We have lived tolerantly, perhaps too complacently, with this fundamentalist presence within our community for far too long. It is time for a war on terrierism. We must adopt an altogether more muscular labradorism."</p> <p>President Obama is said to be locked in telephone exchanges in which he is "strenuously urging" Nipper not to let slip "an historic opportunity to reactivate the peace process." However, the situation is deemed too volatile for him to send in Bo, his Secretary of State for Canine Affairs. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5506#post-15011 Wed, 02 Jun 2010 11:52:02 +0000 Svendo 15011@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"If it helps, I'll sign shirts for both sides so they each have one" slurred Gazza. </p>