http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=isle-of-wight The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 20 Jun 2013 10:31:31 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57999#post-168115 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 21:11:32 +0000 Flash! Aa-aaaa! 168115@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Say the Government.Plans are afoot to move it nearer the mainland to make the area look "neater and more British" A trusted Whitehall source said "Look, we can't go on with that awful untidy gap around The Solent area. It looks scruffy and it adds ages to the journey of any shipping as it wends its way slowly up to Southampton. We could move the whole thing north, glue it on near Lee-on-Solent and Calshot, cut a nice new easily accesible port in the south side near Ventnor and Bob's yer proverbial! The Southamptonites might be annoyed at first but once they have enjoyed their new lake they'll come round." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57695#post-167340 Mon, 11 Mar 2013 12:08:08 +0000 Flash! Aa-aaaa! 167340@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>According to a leaked govenment document the new "Queen Elizabeth" class aircraft carriers will be mothballed upon completion to save billions. The Isle of Wight is to be cut free instead and will be towed to wherever we need to project power overseas.<br /> A trusted source confirmed this saying "It makes sense from all angles - it is far cheaper to use just three tugs to tow the island anywhere we want. It has two airfields already, plenty of room for military equipment and - for charm offensives - all the amenities you would want: shops, bingo and even those lttle glass things filled with coloured sand. It is perfect for the job and will cost less than half that to operate just one carrier - for which we have no suitable planes anyway. The population are welcome to stay as long as they undergo some military training and don't mind the odd missile base in their gardens". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156266 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 12:53:34 +0000 Oxbridge 156266@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for input, Simon, I've spliced it together as best I can. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156260 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 11:57:21 +0000 gregle 156260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one. Made me laugh </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156245 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 09:52:52 +0000 simonjmr 156245@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Here's my similar take onthis from last year - feel free to use any of it in the above.</p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38736" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38736</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156244 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 09:46:40 +0000 Dawsons creek 156244@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought that England won on the submarine-hindreds of dead method?</p> <p>I don't really understand this this doesnt seem to be just replacing one island name with another? I think it needs a better ending with a channel opening up. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156243 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 09:44:37 +0000 Tripod 156243@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice... works for me. ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=54123#post-156241 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 09:39:42 +0000 Oxbridge 156241@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Argentinian president Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has categorically refused to negotiate over the sovereignty of the Isle of Wight, despite the provocative behaviour of Britan's right-wing Coalitionista dictatorship, which recently put a full-page ad in El Diario de Buenos Aires asserting its claims to the barren island. </p> <p>Diplomats say this is the tensest stand-off since the two countries fought a brief war 30 years ago, which Argentina won on the Duckworth-Lewis method. La Isla Blanca, as it is known there, is a vital link in the South American nation's two-way trade with Europe in corned beef, polo ponies and ageing Nazis.</p> <p>'General Cameron is cynically trying to raise nationalistic fervour over this issue, because they are no longer able to distract the downtrodden British people since the X-Factor ended,' warned a UN-appointed mediator. 'However, Argentina's recent posting of its native-born singer Chris De Burgh to the island has also provoked justified anger in Britain.'</p> <p>In the recent ad, Britain denounced Argentina's 200-year possession of the Isle of Wight as a legacy of colonialism that should be corrected. Geographically, it claims, the Isle is part of Britain and could be reached in less than two hours from the abandoned port city of Southampton, in the unlikely event that anyone wanted to go there. </p> <p>The Isle of Wight is rumoured to have huge untapped reserves of clotted cream and, with heavy investment, it could rapidly be brought into the 1960s. Britain's ight-wing tabloids have urged the Coalitionistas to invade, scoffing at the very idea that a country on the other side of the world and led by a woman would fight back. Fernandez, however, dismisses this as reflecting the latent inadequacy of men in a country that has Katie Price as its icon of feminitity.</p> <p>'The future of the Isle of Wight is for the inhabitants alone to decide,' said President Fernandez. 'And, with no economic activity to speak of, constant harking back to an idealised but short-lived past and their prejudice against incomers despite being mostly immigrants themselves, they are clearly Argentine in every respect. We will use force if we must to save these poor people from the tinpot British regime, which should hopefully fall from power soon anyway.' </p> <p>[A joint effort with simonjmr. Hat tips to Sinnick and Dawsons creek. Recycled and updated from last time this was topical.] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51870#post-149282 Sat, 17 Nov 2012 09:20:58 +0000 ginty 149282@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>more soon... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50878#post-146448 Tue, 30 Oct 2012 12:33:48 +0000 TerribleTim 146448@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...more soon </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45103#post-129104 Mon, 09 Jul 2012 02:49:34 +0000 DorsetBoy 129104@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Food rationing on the Isle of Wight could be over by Christmas. Government officials were startled to learn the wartime measure has continued on the remote island and former Hampshire province long after it ceased in the rest of the United Kingdom. The story emerged late last week following an administrative audit of minor government regulations. A number of technical anomalies have now been corrected, but news that adults and children on the Isle of Wight have each been surviving on 6 ounces of beefsteak a week was a surprise to many.</p> <p>Matters came to light initially when a number of government printing contracts were being reviewed, and an observant staff member at the Ministry of Food and Agriculture queried why booklets of ration coupons were still being produced each year. A visit to the delivery address in Shanklin unearthed the astonishing story, where Ministry staff found a long queue of local residents waiting patiently outside a former distribution depot. It appears the original 1954 instructions to cease all rationing were never received.</p> <p>For many years, there was anecdotal evidence that something was amiss on the Isle. Intrepid explorers and day trippers would arrive back in Portsmouth with tales of the rather limited and unappetizing food served in pubs and cafes on the otherwise pleasant rural idyll.</p> <p>The Isle of Wight, situated some distance from the Hampshire coast, will now be propelled into the 1970s and beyond with the free availability of sugar, cheese and chocolate. Although some dietitians are concerned local residents might try to combine all three ingredients in the same dish.</p> <p>The social and economic impact on the Isle of Wight of having its population subsist for decades on minimum nutritional intake is considered unquantifiable, mostly because it would have been so small. </p> <p>"Quite frankly, we are looking forward to it", said one local. "In my family, we have lived all our lives on meagre rations, now we can look forward to so called modern diseases, such as high cholesterol and bulimia". Health officials are more cautious, citing concerns that the Isle's enviable record of the low incidence of obesity and Type 2 diabetes could be under threat.</p> <p>The administrative oversight will need to remain in place for some months however. This is to allow time for the implementation of other post-war practices, including the need for the Isle of Wight to adopt decimal currency. </p> <p>(With apologies to all Vectensians and Vectenophiles everywhere.) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124592 Thu, 31 May 2012 11:53:09 +0000 medici2471 124592@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff **** One or two repeats on here at the moment, must be everyone is preoccupied with Leveson. Or returned to full time employment... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124577 Thu, 31 May 2012 10:13:21 +0000 Gerontius 124577@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely sub.<br /> For one reason or another lots of subs don't register first time round.<br /> Sometimes they need dusting off, re-jigging, adding to or even snipping.<br /> There is a lot of fine material that has passed by unnoticed....no reason why you should not give it a make-over and post again.<br /> If the sub is worth re-visiting, then yes...let's have a few more like this. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124569 Thu, 31 May 2012 08:54:23 +0000 Oxbridge 124569@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wake up, guys, this is THIRD time around. At least. To be fair, it is the Isle of Wight, so the space-time curvature works differently. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124551 Wed, 30 May 2012 21:40:26 +0000 Sinnick 124551@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You're referring to this ...<br /> <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24838#post-67411" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24838#post-67411</a></p> <p>I missed it 1st time around. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124550 Wed, 30 May 2012 21:34:45 +0000 Tomfinger 124550@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think the official Newsbiscuit line on that lovely island set in the silvery Solent is disgraceful. I found the place exciting and lively when I was last there. I've been meaning to go back to see what it looks like without the barbed wire and anti-invasion mines on the beaches. I just hope it hasn't changed too much.<br /> I've most definitely read this sub before. It's a good one, which is why I remember it. I just wish the chap, if he's going to put old ones up would give us the original date. This one must be from before there was only fields round here. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124539 Wed, 30 May 2012 18:41:02 +0000 Sinnick 124539@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah, I'd assumed as a relative newbie you hadn't realised we'd a perennial thing on IoW. "My Bad" as one is supposed to say nowadays.</p> <p>Are you suggesting Oxy is repeating himself ? He's a leg end around here, you know. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124534 Wed, 30 May 2012 18:02:34 +0000 Tomfinger 124534@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sin, what I meant was, this is one of Mr Ridge's repeats </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124529 Wed, 30 May 2012 16:05:55 +0000 Skylarking 124529@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well, I've been saying for years that Shanklin needs a funicular railway like Sandown. After this latest tragedy, perhaps the authorities will finally take action! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124527 Wed, 30 May 2012 15:55:04 +0000 Sinnick 124527@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tom, the IoW is a running theme; it's overdue for a mention</p> <p>Why not do a website search on it to get the idea ?</p> <p>Note the excellent book "Isle of Wight to get Ceefax"<br /> (well, I haven't read it, but I'm sure someone here must have) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124525 Wed, 30 May 2012 15:48:54 +0000 dvo4fun 124525@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah, who can forget the heady scent of nostalgia. </p> <p>Very good; gets a gentle 4 from me [as I didn't actually laugh out loud] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124520 Wed, 30 May 2012 15:18:45 +0000 Tomfinger 124520@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've a feeling I've tuned in to Newsbiscuit + 1 or is it 2 years ago now? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124514 Wed, 30 May 2012 14:54:41 +0000 Sinnick 124514@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent. Maybe "beige cardigans" instead of "woolly jumpers", but it reads very well.</p> <p>Slightly off-topic, but why do ramblers walk along horizontal tarmac roads carrying 2 climbing sticks, and inclined as if they're climbing a 45 degree slope ? Just asking. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43509#post-124508 Wed, 30 May 2012 13:54:43 +0000 Oxbridge 124508@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Three intrepid pensionsers who set off to climb Shanklin Chine, a notorious natural gorge in the Isle of Wight, have not been sighted in the best part of two hours. According to experts, the chances that they will make it out in time for dinner are now almost negligible.</p> <p>John Bagnall, 68, his wife Muriel, 66, and Margaret’s sister Doris Nicholson, 62, set out to walk the 280 foot path to the top at 5.15 p.m., according to Doris’s traumatised husband Gordon, who urged them to take the bus back from the beach with him. The group did not take local guides, oxygen or even a flask of tea to see them through the steep climb. Experts have described their actions as foolhardy in the extreme.</p> <p>'People often don’t realise that Shanklin Chine has a micro-climate all of its own,' said retired local Sherpa, Roy Hodges. 'When it is sunny on the beach, it can still be a little bit chilly and damp in the Chine. Once I set out with a party at 3 o’clock in bright sunshine only to find we really needed woolly jumpers. Fortunately, they had the sense to turn back.'</p> <p>Particularly when a bit of light rain has swollen the waterfall, the 1 in 35 path to the top of the chine can become a wee bit slippy. In the last year alone, five people have lost their footing and one man hurt his ankle, waiting 45 minutes in a steady breeze for a first aider to come. Advice to take a walking stick and wear sensible shoes is all too often ignored.</p> <p>As night gathered and a previously warm spring day turned a tad nippy, Gordon Nicholson continued his lonely vigil alongside a grumbling gatekeeper. A realistic man, he said that he accepted that his relatives had already missed the first sitting at the Keats Green Hotel and might struggle even to find a place open for a sandwich. </p> <p>'Doris was always a great one for ignoring the danger signs and gallivanting around,' he told reporters. 'I thought she’d learned a lesson after that time we got slightly sunburnt on Alum Bay in July 2007, but no... Well, there’ll be no more adventure holidays for us from now on, I can tell you that for starters, my lad.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42579#post-121702 Tue, 08 May 2012 10:13:39 +0000 kimllfixit 121702@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ha ha, very good! Cinco estrellas! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42579#post-121698 Tue, 08 May 2012 09:46:37 +0000 Oxbridge 121698@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As sabre-rattling from Britian's right-wing Coalitionista dictatorship raises fears of renewed conflict, Argentina's president Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has refused to negotiate away the sovereignty of the Isle of Wight. The two countries fought a brief war over the windswept island 30 years ago, which Argentina won on the Duckworth-Lewis method. Passions have been simmering ever since.</p> <p>'In times of economic hardship, General Cameron and the Coalitianistas are playing the nationalism card because they are no longer able to distract the British people with success on the football pitch or even high quality entertainment ever since Strictly Come Dancing ended,' warned the Spanish president Jose Maria Aznar, who has tried to broker a peace deal. </p> <p>'Their leading tabloid the Daily Mail has even dismissed the idea that a country led by a woman would use force to defend its overseas territories and be a full-time working mum. To be honest, though, I think views like this mostly reflect the latent inadequacies of the men in a country that has Katie Price as its icon of feminitity.'</p> <p>Britain has repeatedly denounced Argentina's 200-year possession of the Isle of Wight as a legacy of colonialism. Geographically, it claims, the Isle is part of Britain and could be reached in less than two hours by sea from the abandoned port city of Southampton, in the unlikely event that any British people wanted to go there. </p> <p>Cynics argue that Britain's true motivation is the Isle of Wight's largely untapped reserves of clotted cream and crabmeat. Some economic analysts believe that, with a few decades of intensive investment, the underpopulated Isle could rapidly be brought into the 1950s. For Fernandez, however, the issue is simply about respecting the wishes of the few thousand inhabitants.</p> <p>'The people of the Isle of Wight are Argentine in every respect,' she said. 'No economic activity to speak of: Argentine. Constant harking back to an idealised but short-lived past: Argentine. Mildly prejudiced against incomers despite being mostly immigrants themselves: Argentine. We will use all the power at our disposal to save these people from this tinpot regime. And Katie Price. Eeew.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40374#post-114849 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:52:57 +0000 UnoEye 114849@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The personal details of hundreds of Isle of Wight inhabitants have been lost in a massive security blunder when a councillor left his rollerdeck in a Shanklin teashop. It’s feared the security breach may lead to a spate of identity thefts. There have already been unconfirmed reports of fake library cards turning up in Newport. </p> <p>In order to try and recover the rollerdeck the council have placed a postcard advert in the Post Office window, John from the Hook and Tackle has agreed to make an announcement on Quiz Night, and Doreen, the island gossip, has been informed of the situation,’ I just don’t know what else we can do’ stated a beleaguered Councillor Hayes.</p> <p>The security breach could not have come at a worse time for the unpopular council. Only three months ago an undercover investigation by the local Herald newspaper sparked the “Council canteen sticky bun expenses scandal” and last year’s “Lollipop lady revolt” is still fresh in many minds.</p> <p>The council’s situation worsened when this week’s Herald printed a resident’s angry letter. ‘There’s a revolutionary anarchist element within The Herald’s Letters Page readers’ explained Councillor Hayes. ‘So we fear this may trigger a militant letter writing campaign. Bob the postman already has his trolley on standby to deal with the extra load. We’re just relieved the letter didn’t receive Letter of the Week status. Who knows what damage that could have done?’</p> <p>In the teashop at the centre of the security scandal sit pensioners June and Doris. ‘The bridge club were so angry they attempted to march on the council offices’ explained Doris, ‘but they had to stop when Alf’s hip started playing up. I think Mrs Robinson probably stole them’ she added suspiciously. ‘I’ve never trusted her. She doesn’t eat dairy products’ ‘What not even fish?’ interrupted a surprised June. ‘Don’t be silly dear’ scolded Doris before June continued, ‘Will I need to get a new identity, because I like being me? I’m too old to start being someone else. Although my horoscope did say that I’d meet a stranger. Do you think it meant me?’ ‘Don’t be silly dear’ repeated Doris. </p> <p>Teashop owner Pat explained, ‘Well I wouldn’t have a clue what a rollerdeck looks like. I’m no good with all this new-fangled technology. I still haven’t got used to that new Ceefax thing’.</p> <p>The council have urged anyone with information to call their free confidential hotline on 0800 7. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36496#post-102230 Wed, 21 Dec 2011 08:49:36 +0000 Immunis 102230@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The hidden Isle of Wight - North Korea connection is revealed at last </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36496#post-102221 Wed, 21 Dec 2011 08:35:28 +0000 Son of Barnabas 102221@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Children at Ventnor’s annual Christmas Fayre were left in tears today when told that Father Christmas had called off his scheduled appearance. It was no consolation when they found out the unlikely reason – Santa (alias Fred Jong-il, 74 of Primrose Crescent) had to pull out on receiving the news that he had been appointed the new President of North Korea.</p> <p>“I’m mortified at letting the kids down,” said sprightly pensioner Fred at his bungalow this morning, "but I just didn’t feel up to it in the circumstances. It’s all been a bit of a shock really. To be honest, it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I mean it’s not every day you get a call from the other side of the world saying you are now the dear leader of 23 and a half million Koreans.”</p> <p>Fred’s wife Betty, 72, takes up the story. “At first we thought it was a joke call. Fred’s brother is always playing pranks like this, but then it began to dawn on us it was absolutely genuine. We weren’t quite sure where Korea was at first, but now we’re quite looking forward to it. We’ve never been further east than a holiday weekend in Belgium, so it’ll be quite exciting I suppose. Do you know if they have digestive biscuits over there? Only, Fred can get a bit of a tyrant if he doesn’t have digestives to dunk in his tea.”</p> <p>The Foreign Office confirmed that Mr Jong-il’s appointment was genuine. It appears that, when Kim Jong-il’s will was opened yesterday, his son and assumed heir Kim Jong-un, had in fact been disinherited. In a final twist of the late dictator’s unhinged logic, he had nominated his third cousin Fred, who had written a post card to him in 1984 with best wishes from sunny Isle of Wight.</p> <p>Neighbours in Ventnor were amazed at the news. Mrs Elsie Himmler who lives next door said “I’m absolutely gobsmacked. Fred and Betty Jong-il are as English as roast beef and Yorkshire terrier.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34676#post-98091 Mon, 28 Nov 2011 14:36:40 +0000 Oxbridge 98091@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bugger. Forgot that got used. </p>