http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=india The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 12:38:09 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3277#post-153194 Thu, 13 Dec 2012 13:34:32 +0000 custard cream 153194@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great, just great! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3277#post-153183 Thu, 13 Dec 2012 12:10:40 +0000 Bourbon 153183@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If something will happen then that will make it funny then fuck it, why not </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3277#post-153179 Thu, 13 Dec 2012 11:36:01 +0000 Oxbridge 153179@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good idea. Does October 2014 suit? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28349#post-153153 Thu, 13 Dec 2012 09:00:02 +0000 Oxbridge 153153@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Saves me the bother, I guess. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28349#post-153077 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 18:10:19 +0000 waylandsmithy 153077@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There must be some more stuff we can put out for recycling... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3277#post-153075 Wed, 12 Dec 2012 18:03:40 +0000 Bourbon 153075@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Anyway, I think you should have copy and pasted this one </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51229#post-147454 Tue, 06 Nov 2012 12:55:18 +0000 D_Woolley 147454@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fears of renewed tensions between India and Pakistan were sparked today, as diplomatic talks over the rights to wear cashmere broke down once again. The luxury goat’s wool, prized for its versatility, elegance and a softness against the skin unparalleled by cheaper fibres, has long been a source of dispute in the north-western region of the subcontinent, at times escalating into armed conflict.</p> <p>Speaking at a hastily convened press conference in Lahore, Pakistan’s Prime Minister Raja Pervez Ashraf appeared before the cameras wearing a snug, turquoise-blue, turtle-neck cashmere sweater; a sartorial decision the UN was quick to condemn as “an act of unnecessary and provocative sabre-rattling.”</p> <p>“This is not about religion, creed, or national identity,” declared Ashraf, “this is about the right of our countrymen to wear something that is soft and cosy and yet at the same time undeniably chic. India wants the downy, silky warmth of cashmere all for itself. This claim has no basis in history, and no foundation in international law.”</p> <p>Ashraf’s opposite number, Manmohan Singh of India, cut short his holiday in the Andaman Islands to return to New Delhi and deal with the crisis. As he prepared to board a plane, wearing a turban believed to have been fashioned from a tassled, cherry-red cashmere scarf, he delivered this brief statement:</p> <p>“Once again, we have Mr Ashraf blowing so much smoke with his talk of renewed clashes along the border. Frankly, I’m more concerned about his decision to pair that turquoise sweater with those navy blue chinos. Now that’s a very serious clash indeed.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46111#post-132785 Sun, 29 Jul 2012 19:44:48 +0000 ginty 132785@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The entire Indian Olympic contingent stormed to the top of the offended nations table after a post-graduate woman from Bangalore gatecrashed the team's entrance to the opening ceremony procession, capturing all ten seconds of camera time.<br /> The expertly timed manoeuvre, which caught the leading walkers totally unaware as they reached for their iPhones, was all the more remarkable as she was hampered by heavy blue denims, a bright red top and unofficial sponsor branded trainers. Flag carrier Sushil Kumar desperately tried to pull back the limelight stealing breakaway, but the main bunch were reluctant to support him leaving him unable to regain the centre focus.</p> <p>As the IOA chiefs demanded an apology for the security lapse, Lord Coe described the woman, believed to be a cermony cast member, as "slightly over-excited". Renowned former international interloper Karl Power described the stunning performance as "totally mad for it!". A spokesperson for G4S declined to comment on the incident, but did say they probably had a uniform in her size available if she was interested in a career change. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32957#post-93727 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 00:10:42 +0000 BabyDinosaur 93727@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Race organisers were heard to muse, "It is a wonder Mr Hamilton Ji did not experience more success after such an auspicious slide through the muck." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32957#post-93643 Mon, 31 Oct 2011 13:47:33 +0000 Danny 93643@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The inaugural Indian Grand Prix was a major success as an event. </p> <p>The drivers universally praised the layout of the 3.2-mile 16-turn circuit, and all agreed that swerving to avoid sacred cows sunbathing in the middle of the track provided challenges unique to the Indian Grand Prix. </p> <p>"Not knowing when a rabid dog may suddenly run across the track certainly keeps you on your toes," said Jenson Button. </p> <p>However, Lewis Hamilton, who crashed on lap 24 after skidding through some cow manure just off the racing line, wasn't quite as impressed. </p> <p>All India enjoyed watching the post race celebrations. As Mukesh Kumar, a shoe shiner in New Delhi, commented "It was so exciting to see champagne with a value far exceeding my children's higher education fund being sprayed all over the place." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28810#post-80771 Fri, 05 Aug 2011 11:44:32 +0000 rebel not taken 80771@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Forthright Yorkshireman Geoff Boycott has dismissed claims that Sachin Tendulkar is the best batsman since Don Bradman.</p> <p>Gritty Boycott, who was axed from the England team in 1967 after batting all day and scoring only 106 against the Indians, has told cricket fans on the Geoffrey Boycott OBE Official Website that Tendulkar is "overrated" and is "not fit to lick Sir Len Hutton's boots".</p> <p>The gruff Yorkshireman, who was denied a century in Hyderbad in 1978 after being "bent double by a dodgy Birianyi" has also attacked Duncan Fletcher, declaring that the Indian Coach has "no more brains than a pork pie". </p> <p>On his 'Bowl at Boycs' Forum, Geoff Boycott stated that Tendulkar was clean bowled by a "rank long hop" in the Lords Test Match.<br /> "I could have hit that with a stick of rhubarb" argued the pithy Yorkshireman.</p> <p>Geoff Boycott was even less impressed with the Indian fielding after "show pony" Kevin Pietersen survived a fumbled catch by wicket keeper MS Dhoni:<br /> "I reckon my mum could have caught that in her pinny" joked Geoffrey.</p> <p>Boycott seemed in fine fettle after celebrating the Indians' defeat at Lords and told his followers "my granny could hit the ball harder than that Bombay bhatti boy". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28349#post-78884 Sun, 24 Jul 2011 20:16:18 +0000 ronseal 78884@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>By the way, i added the phrases Mobile Marketing and Digital Marketing, as the search engines love those phrases</p> <p>Once we wrote headlines to catch the eye of the reader.</p> <p>Now we write taglines to catch the attention of an algorithm</p> <p>That's progress? Death, where is thy sting? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28349#post-78881 Sun, 24 Jul 2011 20:13:51 +0000 ronseal 78881@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like it</p> <p>this is the sort of bullocks I read all day</p> <p>good stuff</p> <p>Keep sticking it to The Brand!</p> <p>Can I say one more thing. Any media commentator who uses the phrase 'Brand Beckham' is a complete and utter twat. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28349#post-78880 Sun, 24 Jul 2011 20:00:02 +0000 Golgo13 78880@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice concept. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28349#post-78879 Sun, 24 Jul 2011 19:46:55 +0000 Oxbridge 78879@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Rajinder Laxmai, a bullock cart driver from the slums of Goregaon, northern Mumbai, has announced plans to build up his brand recognition in order to win market share. This will be the heart of his second five-year growth strategy after the success of his first one enabled him to buy a 25% stake in the bullock itself.</p> <p>'Cart driving is a competitive market, with over 75,000 of us in Mumbai alone,' Laxmai explained to analysts in a power point presentation. 'One man goading a bullock to pull goods to market by sticking a stave coated in chilli powder up its arse probably looks much like any other. I am therefore exploring ways to differentiate myself through value-added service.'</p> <p>Rather than sell a daughter into prostitution to fund a big-bucks marketing drive through a major brand awareness firm, Laxmai has opted for a bottom-up whispering campaign through multiple local media. This will begin with viral poster campaign featuring a silhouette of his cart and the logo 'Not just any old bullocks'.</p> <p>'I've opted for English to appeal to the international market. You have to think big when it comes to establishing a strong brand identity and the joke doesn't really work in Marathi,' he explained. 'And my local customers can't read anyway.'</p> <p>As soon as he can afford the downpayment on a can of paint, Laxmai's cart will be painted royal blue and red, the colours of Mumbai's IPL team the Mumbai Indians, and will tour the centre of Goregaon offering rides to children bringing home cowpats for the evening fire. If this raises enough awareness, the empire may soon expand to a second cart.</p> <p>Long-term, Laxmai hopes to be able to buy celebrity endorsement from the transvestite singers at a wedding he saw over the road a few weeks ago. 'Sex sells, I'm told,' he remarked. 'I wouldn't know, personally, it never really worked out with my wife after my mother accidentally dropped that lead weight on her in the kitchen for not bringing enough dowry with her.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19818#post-53394 Mon, 10 Jan 2011 20:04:08 +0000 rikkor 53394@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"It's chapati, and I'll cry if I want to" is priceless. I've added some more of my own. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19818#post-53383 Mon, 10 Jan 2011 18:05:53 +0000 mr blue 53383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stars from me to even it up. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19818#post-53376 Mon, 10 Jan 2011 17:06:23 +0000 Gerontius 53376@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Clever idea, fine wry humour. Lost on the trolls. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19818#post-53373 Mon, 10 Jan 2011 16:14:03 +0000 rikkor 53373@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Gawd! I think you have just been one-d viciously. Not by me. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19818#post-53368 Mon, 10 Jan 2011 16:05:09 +0000 rikkor 53368@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Depived". Original, more 4-ish than 5-ish for me. But good. And, yes, you guessed it. I took the time to write those clever tags. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19818#post-53365 Mon, 10 Jan 2011 15:57:22 +0000 Oxbridge 53365@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>To his friends among the sub-caste of brick makers in the slums of Nagpur, Miranjit Khapur seemed to have it all: two sheets of corrugated iron on his ceiling, a job that enabled him to have half an onion with his evening roti as often as not, a stand pipe less than half an hour's walk away. Yet he knew that there was something missing and he gave it all up to travel the A roads of Britain with all of his belongings on his back.</p> <p>'It was the crass materialism of India that got me down,' says Khapur. 'On every street corner, it seemed, there was a poster urging you to buy something, often featuring a young model with a bare midriff and toes sticking out all over the place. Gross. I know it's a cliche, but yes, I came here to find myself spiritually, which is why I am living in the porch at All Saints Stevenage.'</p> <p>Like many from the Indian sub-continent, Khapur struggled to adapt to Britain in the first few weeks. 'The wealth was shocking, of course, but sadly in the end you just screen it out. And the food is so awfully bland - oh, hang on, someone's done that gag already. But on the plus side, the temples are so old and atmospheric, unlike the gaudy concrete dens of noise at home and the British are not nearly as rubbish at cricket as I had been led to believe.'</p> <p>With his visa about to run out, Khapur is hoping to extend his stay. Rather than take the easy route of teaching Gujarati to evening classes of council outreach workers, he hopes to do some voluntary work among the dispossessed street kids of Stevenage, many of whom cannot even afford a plasma screen TV. </p> <p>'Of course I miss India sometimes, but I feel that my spiritual destiny is here in Hertfordshire. These poor, deprived people need me,' he says. 'Mind you, some of their customs really are hard to take on board. Do you know when they come back from Disneyland, they don't even have to drink cows' piss and eat cow shit to purify themselves? How weird is that?' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16249#post-44176 Sat, 20 Nov 2010 23:34:54 +0000 malgor 44176@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've still no idea who's who in the piece. Can't help glazing over when all that begatting starts. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16249#post-44102 Sat, 20 Nov 2010 14:37:14 +0000 rikkor 44102@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>She was dead angry. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16249#post-44082 Sat, 20 Nov 2010 11:41:39 +0000 Oxbridge 44082@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks guys. No doubt you're all too nice to point out the deliberate mistake of her mother being angry and dead in successive paragraphs, but what do we pay editors for after all? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16249#post-44038 Fri, 19 Nov 2010 23:57:25 +0000 rikkor 44038@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've just added some uber-funny tags. Guess which ones. (I think "Well hello, Kali" is my favorite.) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16249#post-44012 Fri, 19 Nov 2010 21:31:20 +0000 malgor 44012@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sank! You made me laugh, Oxy baby! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16249#post-43994 Fri, 19 Nov 2010 19:22:31 +0000 rikkor 43994@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cinq! Funny and original. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16249#post-43985 Fri, 19 Nov 2010 17:09:18 +0000 the coarse whisperer 43985@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Until Ravinder proved to be a dalit, and Priti was accidentally immolated in the family swimming pool. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=16249#post-43980 Fri, 19 Nov 2010 16:59:25 +0000 Oxbridge 43980@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ravinder Khotra and Priti Kumar, a highly attractive and wealthy young engaged couple from Mumbai, have reported their delight and astonishment that their extended families are both entirely supportive of their relationship. The pair had feared that one or other of the families would disapprove, causing them anguish that could only be expiated in song over the course of many hours.</p> <p>'I am delighted for them,' said Khotra's corpulent and ridiculous but fundamentally decent father Vijay, 60. 'What's not to like? Priti is stunningly beautiful with lustrous black hair and on the few dozen occasions she has accidentally got her sari wet, I could certainly see why my handsome if slightly wayward son would fall for her!'</p> <p>Khotra's irascible and controlling mother Ameera admitted that she was surprised by the speed of the engagement - the couple only met two weeks ago, while foiling a gang of jewel thieves in a high-speed motorcycle chase - and would have hoped to have had a part to play in choosing her son's bride. However, she added, times are changing and their happiness is the main thing.</p> <p>Priti herself was stunned that her own highly conservative father let her make her own choice of husband. She had feared that her mother might be angry that she came within two metres of kissing Khotra on a mountainside on one occasion or that a long-running feud between the two families might be an obstacle. </p> <p>'Ravi's father apparently blames my father for not doing more to help when my mother, who was his cousin and only had a very small dowry, accidentally battered herself to death with a frying pan in the kitchen,' she said. 'It's irrational but that's how things often are with some people.'</p> <p>The wedding is scheduled for early April and both the couple and their families are hoping that there are no comical slip-ups between now and then to derail their plans. 'But if there are, that's fate,' said Kumar. 'In which case I'll just have to spend four hours singing out of tune in various exotic locations I've never been to in my life.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3277#post-9387 Mon, 26 Apr 2010 13:48:23 +0000 Oxbridge 9387@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bharat Maheshwari, a bullock cart driver from the slum region of Bandra Kurla to the north of central Mumbai, has announced plans to build up his brand recognition in order to win market share. This will form the centrepiece of his second five-year growth strategy after the success of his first one enabled him to buy a 25% stake in the bullock itself.</p> <p>'This is a competitive market, with over 75,000 of us in Mumbai alone,' Maheshwari explained to analysts, 'and it's very easy to see one man goading a bullock to pull goods to market by sticking a stave coated in chilli powder up its arse as much like any other. I am therefore exploring ways to differentiate myself through value-added service.'</p> <p>Rather than sell one of his daughters into prostitution in order to fund a big-bucks campaign through a major brand awareness firm, Maheshwari has opted for a bottom-up whispering campaign through multiple local media. This will begin with viral poster campaign featuring a silhouette of his cart and the logo 'Not just any old bullocks'.</p> <p>'I've opted for English to appeal to the international market. You have to think big when it comes to establishing a strong brand identity and the joke doesn't really translate into Marathi. None of my customers can read either language anyway,' he explained.</p> <p>In a second phase, as soon as he can afford the downpayment on a can of paint, the cart will be painted royal blue and red, the colours of Mumbai's IPL team the Mumbai Indians, and will tour the centre of town offering rides to children bringing home cowpats for the evening fire. If this raises enough awareness, the empire may soon expand to a second cart.</p> <p>Long-term, Maheshwari hopes to be able to afford to win celebrity endorsement from the transvestite singers at a wedding he saw over the road a few weeks ago. 'Sex sells, so I'm told,' he remarked. 'I wouldn't know, personally, things were never the same with my wife after my mother accidentally dropped that lead weight on her in the kitchen for not bringing enough dowry with her.' </p>