http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=ids The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 01:22:44 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175926 Mon, 29 Apr 2013 19:25:24 +0000 custard cream 175926@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>great stuff! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175918 Mon, 29 Apr 2013 18:42:45 +0000 Squudge 175918@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...ah well... that'll teach me to give it a bit longer before re-subbing elsewhere</p> <p>Ta for the tip Sinnick </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175822 Mon, 29 Apr 2013 06:35:18 +0000 Sinnick 175822@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think if you simply code the images sequentially, without a newline, it'll work:</p> <p>{img}URL1{/img}{img}URL2{/img}</p> <p>obviously code angle brackets, not curly ones </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175818 Mon, 29 Apr 2013 05:51:53 +0000 Dick Everyman 175818@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>Anyone know how I could have got the two images to sit side by side?</blockquote></p> <p>A good dog trainer? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175793 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 20:43:23 +0000 godly1966 175793@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175773 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 17:13:32 +0000 sponge finger 175773@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>nope </p> <p>&lt;helpful mode&gt; </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175764 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 15:42:15 +0000 Squudge 175764@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I have no idea where all those words came from. All I was really typing was this:<br /> <img src="http://media-cache-ec4.pinimg.com/originals/5b/ab/b7/5babb7885856ad8228a3fd9608d5ee5f.jpg"></p> <p>Not a labradoodle nor even a liberadoodle - but it'll do.<br /> Dull.</p> <p>Anyone know how I could have got the two images to sit side by side? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175760 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 15:24:20 +0000 sponge finger 175760@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>oh yes</p> <p>intro a bit pithy - but maybe it doesn't require embellishment </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60532#post-175742 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 12:44:46 +0000 Squudge 175742@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Iain Duncan Smith and his pet liberadoodle Vince Cable have today stated that it is an 'anomaly' that all civil servants receive a salary when some could afford to do without.</p> <p><img src="http://media-cache-ec4.pinimg.com/originals/7d/bf/fd/7dbffd4c5c0710a6c39726470ce11186.jpg"></p> <p>NHS workers are being urged to demonstrate that they really are in the 'caring profession' by donating some or all of their salary back to the state. "Imagine all the kidney machines we could buy with that", said a government spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous but gave his job as 'Chancellor'.</p> <p>IDS agreed and suggested that Ministry of Defence civil servants are likely to complain, "but we know they really come to work just to read secrets, or because they hanker after firing guns like they did in their old jobs when they were allowed to wear silly hats. The MoD is really just a big retirement home for ex-Forces types who want to hob nob with their old chums and talk about blowing things up all day. Pay is a bonus really."</p> <p>Treasury workers are anticipated to be in favour of handing back money, as they must be sick of looking at the wretched stuff all day. Teachers may even be asked to pay a small additional charge for the privilege of sitting in warm classrooms, just to hear the laughter of children.</p> <p>Members of public sector unions have reacted with disbelief, and are said to be 'a tad miffed' at IDS suggestion that those who opt into the new scheme early will be eligible for winter fuel payments and free bus passes, providing enough wealthy pensioners give theirs up. Meanwhile, opinions are undivided that Vince Cable can just "Do one."</p> <p>MPs and government back-benchers are set to be exempt from the proposed scheme due to hardship experienced by many since they had to stop diddling their expenses. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60521#post-175724 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 08:49:39 +0000 Maninbeijing 175724@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a surprise move Ian Duncan Smith has announced a sharp turn in Tory policy. During a reflective homily delivered in Church last Sunday he stunned friends and family with a passionate plea for the return of un-needed benefits, profits and share dividends by those who could afford to give them up. More money is not always good he suggested and he did not believe the trendy Left should have a monopoly on restraint and generosity. The bottom line should be - can you spend it or will it just languish as savings? </p> <p>To the feckless unemployed who were not present during the homily, he offered a stern reminder - unemployment is work; finding a job is a job in itself so those who have wimped out of a career should therefore not entitled to benefit. The subsequent drop in jobless figures will translate into much better economic figures, a vibrant economy and reduce government spending greatly. </p> <p>For the BBC he had a special message. People do not want to hear about cuts in negative terms - they should be celebrated and the public made to understand that austerity brings strength and burgeoning resourcefulness.</p> <p>He referred to his recent visits to BRIC nations and the virtuous struggle of many low paid workers who would not dare to ask for benefits - they manage splendidly on a dollar a day. </p> <p>Of course, he acknowledged, the individual must decide when and if benefits should be repaid. Government should not legislate for goodwill or the generous instincts of Brirish people - this, he assured his attentive audience - was a moral question and therefore quite outside the remit of government.</p> <p>Jimmy Saville would be 88 this year said a recently redundant BBC executive from Switzerland. He declined to comment on Mr Smiths pronouncements. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59105#post-171879 Fri, 05 Apr 2013 10:50:55 +0000 Not Amused 171879@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, love the phrase "decommissioned over-reactor" as well ...<br /> late stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59105#post-171871 Fri, 05 Apr 2013 10:01:15 +0000 Midfield Diamond 171871@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great stuff, got to be worth a bump. (And welcome back DBL)</p> <p>I see the FA are also co-operating with the government by investigating all Derby County fans following publication of the photo of Philpott in a replica shirt. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59105#post-171817 Thu, 04 Apr 2013 19:21:19 +0000 DustyBinLaden 171817@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice to be back and venting though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59105#post-171812 Thu, 04 Apr 2013 18:49:02 +0000 DustyBinLaden 171812@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks dvo. I've been a poorly chap, unfortunately, so had to take a break. Occasionally I was tempted to put something together, but wasn't up to it, and watched a double-bill of Pointless and Eggheads instead. This is my convalescence piece. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59105#post-171805 Thu, 04 Apr 2013 18:31:20 +0000 dvo4fun 171805@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah, back and hitting the ground running DBL</p> <p>"David Cameron and George Osborne spent this morning jointly restarting a decommissioned over-reactor in Basildon. " had me chuckling.</p> <p>Been away? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=59105#post-171802 Thu, 04 Apr 2013 18:14:05 +0000 DustyBinLaden 171802@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An influential Daily Mail article by AN Wilson declaring child murderer Mick Philpott to be “pure evil born out of welfare dependency” has encouraged the government to bring forward drastic new measures to protect us from those who have been radicalised by the welfare state. </p> <p>David Cameron and George Osborne spent this morning jointly restarting a decommissioned over-reactor in Basildon. Meanwhile, work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has formed Kristallnacht-style strike squads to undertake night-time raids on council tenants suspected of becoming evil through over-exposure to the pernicious effects of dole cheque addiction.</p> <p>‘We’re starting with the high-risk targets,’ said IDS. ‘This will include anyone who has either a) a snooker table, b) more than one television, c) a spare room for visitors, or d) has a growing urge to murder their own children directly proportionate to the amount they receive in state benefits.</p> <p>‘We’ve been looking too far afield, in places like Iran and Afghanistan’ he continued, ‘when they’ve been right here all the time. As of next week, we shall be recalling our troops from abroad and mobilising them throughout the council estates of Britain.’</p> <p>Professor of social sciences at the University of Sussex, John Wentworth, has suggested that this may present the government with a tricky moral dilemma. ‘You see, many of the troops we honour and respect as defenders of the realm actually come from the same council estates that we’ve come to know and hate. The truth is that one of the only alternatives to long-term unemployment and poverty is going off and getting killed for your country.’</p> <p>Chancellor George Osborne, sporting his new mockney accent, said: ‘He’s a prick for sayin’ that, an’ ’e can kiss goodbye to ’is research grant. Gawd bless the ’ardworking people of Briddan.’</p> <p>‘We are asking for full public support on this,’ said home secretary Theresa May. ‘If you know of anyone who may be stockpiling their £53 a week to build an evil empire, please inform the police. Be vigilant about what may seem like innocent purchases. Four 2-litre bottles of Asda cola and a bottle of Just For Men is a potential bomb. And frequent purchases of new white trainers almost certainly points to a child murderer training camp.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51756#post-148873 Thu, 15 Nov 2012 10:23:16 +0000 johnnydobbo 148873@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Iain Duncan Smith, the work and pensions secretary, is set to unveil a new method in measuring child poverty, saying the current method of comparing relative incomes is outmoded and unhelpful.</p> <p>He points out that while 300,000 households moved out of relative poverty since the 2010 general election, this was more down to a decline in median household income nationally which pushed the poverty line down. "As we saw earlier this year", said Duncan Smith, "when the child poverty level dropped by 2%, a fall in the median income may lift a family out of poverty on paper. Yet real incomes did not rise and absolute poverty was unchanged." For the 300,000 children no longer in poverty according to the official statistics, life was no different.</p> <p>"Our plan is to measure absolute poverty instead and our changes to welfare will ensure that this is a simple procedure", he continued. "Once we've removed any assistance for education, any out-of-work benefits, restricted child benefit and tax credits and made sickness and disability benefits extremely difficult to claim, we will be able to reach our target of 100% child poverty, making these measurements very easy indeed". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45664#post-132304 Fri, 27 Jul 2012 09:20:21 +0000 waylandsmithy 132304@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great idea, and nicely written. It feels a bit 'dragged out' though: would work better as a tight, punchy NiB. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45664#post-132302 Fri, 27 Jul 2012 09:13:54 +0000 dvo4fun 132302@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well Sdooley, in the absence of comments from others you might want to 'bump' it up to the top again by posting a clarification, where it might come to the attention of biscuits and thereby gain helpful advice. </p> <p>Or, as in this case, respond to a comment to have the same effect. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45664#post-132295 Fri, 27 Jul 2012 08:29:02 +0000 Sdooley 132295@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks DVO - and apologies for my delay in thanking you, I've only just joined up and not yet fully got my head round biscuit </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45664#post-131413 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 13:13:23 +0000 dvo4fun 131413@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"They're clumping, and no-one wants to see that - lovely work. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45664#post-131385 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 10:35:53 +0000 Sdooley 131385@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tasked by his coalition masters with thinking the unthinkable and speaking the unspeakable Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has come up with dramatic new plans to deal with Britain's growing youth unemployment crisis by making workless youngsters stand farther apart. </p> <p>In April this year, more than 1million 16-24-year-olds remained out of work, many of them so called 'Neets' - not in education employment or training. </p> <p>"If nothing else, it's damned unsightly," said Duncan Smith, a former Conservative Party leader and army officer. </p> <p>"They're clumping, and no-one wants to see that - it raises the unpleasant spectre of the 'dole queue' and even the scenes of widespread riotage, rapine and lootery we saw just last summer." </p> <p>Duncan Smith will now release tough unemployed youngster density targets for local authorities. He hopes to involve retired police and armed service personel to stalk the land issuing a terse, 'move along now' and 'spread out a bit' to groups of young workshys.</p> <p>"Wherever the young unemployed are gathered together in groups of two or three I'd like to see them shouted at," said Duncan Smith. "The United Kingdom has an area of nearly 100,000 square miles - 10 young fecklesses will have little impact spread over a square mile." </p> <p>In the Big Society spirit of 'we're all in this together', hard-working families will be encouraged to log Neets on an internet map and shout their own 'stop that loitering and get a job' advice to them. </p> <p>Anthony Norman of the Centre for Actually Finding Jobs for the Unemployed said the proposed measures were 'little more than medieval'. </p> <p>G4S and A4E are among companies believed to be preparing bids for herding contracts said to be worth in excess of £20-per-youngster moved. </p> <p>"Shouting ineffectually at people is very much in our skillset," an A4E spokesman said. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=12413#post-33949 Fri, 17 Sep 2010 08:09:41 +0000 Gary Stanton 33949@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Scientists working in the field of exobiology believe that alien life forms would have evolved along similar lines to human beings and share basic anatomical features, including a digestive tract and nice broad shoulders, while retaining traditional attributes such as massive pointy heads, glowing eyes and big fuck off tentacles.</p> <p>And one unfortunate consequence of having an alimentary canal, scientists say, is the host of attendant complaints such as piles, irritable bowel syndrome and farting loudly in assembly during some form of pious lecture delivered by a late middle-aged man with too much facial hair. </p> <p>Those who are scanning the heavens for some kind of communication from the beyond believe that the first signals from a distant civilisation will contain coded information, and possible cures, for a range of intestinal complaints such as IBS, lactose intolerance and veganism.</p> <p>Squinty-eyed TV astronomer Patrick Moore said: ‘ You could have a situation where these alien beings are exploiting wormholes and other exotic-sounding rips in the space-time continuum in a frantic search to find a weird and funky place to take a shit.’ </p> <p>‘If you look at the behaviour of these so-called UFOs , they tend to hover for a while in the sky before shooting off at terrific speed. If that’s not suggestive of someone desperately needing the khazi, or an extremely inept cameraman, then I’m not a morbidly obese peeping tom with a range of ill-fitting suits’ </p> <p>Moore’s thinks the aliens may be abducting people for IBS-based research and his theories have gained credence following a survey of the five hundred thousand Americans abducted this year to-date , many of whom reported some form of anal probe which, according to some, ‘felt real nice’ and ‘wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be once you get used to it’ . Although some within the scientific community doubt whether the intentions of the extraterrestrials are purely scientific, after one victim claimed the probe was nothing more than a crude piece of string with plastic beads attached, the investigation being carried out to a backdrop of cheesy wah-wah guitar and filmed on ‘some sort of mad futuristic space camera’ in high definition. </p> <p>Last night, however, Astronomer Royal Sir Martin Rees backed up Moore’s view, insisting:</p> <p>‘We believe the aliens are focussing their attention on human jacksies in an effort to understand our own biology and develop an effective solution to this chronic and debilitating condition which no doubt blights civilizations throughout the galaxy’ </p> <p>‘Probably a mixture of Rennie, KY Jelly and Immodium. ‘ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11201#post-30841 Sun, 29 Aug 2010 10:51:11 +0000 Ludicity 30841@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks red, a classic piece of Spike. I had to look this show up - apparently it was the last series of Q but then renamed. I might just spend the rest of the day catching up. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11201#post-30621 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 12:30:54 +0000 red 30621@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely stuff as always Ludo, although it did remind me of this, courtesy of Spike Milligan...</p> <p>[youtube]PHKuxaq3K6M[/youtube]</p> <p>or here:</p> <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHKuxaq3K6M">Unemployment latest</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11201#post-30619 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 12:19:08 +0000 Coldstream 30619@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm up for this if they need any help </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11201#post-30606 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:16:38 +0000 IABP 30606@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>They'll just have bite the bullet.</p> <p>Then possibly a career in the circus will follow. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11201#post-30604 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:09:11 +0000 arrghgarry 30604@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At last sensible policies we can get behind . </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11201#post-30601 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 10:59:56 +0000 pinxit 30601@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ah, a return to the old Tory 'More stick less carrot' approach.</p> <p>Mr. L, you're a motivational guru. ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=11201#post-30600 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 10:49:19 +0000 Ludicity 30600@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>New rules introduced by the Department for Work and Pensions mean that anyone entering a Job Centre will now have to do so under a hail of bullets. </p> <p>‘Genuine jobseekers have absolutely nothing to worry about,’ said Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith, ‘the snipers are just there to keep people on their toes.’</p> <p>Mr Duncan Smith explained that the gunmen were part of a scheme to help ‘incentivise’ the unemployed back into work. ‘Research clearly shows that navigating your way through a salvo of gunfire acts as a great motivator,’ he said, ‘to paraphrase Dr Johnson, the prospect of being shot in the morning focuses the mind wonderfully.’</p> <p>Early trials of the scheme have proved highly effective with a significant drop-off among so-called NEETS (Not in Education, Employment or Training) and a corresponding rise in NOBBNICs (Not On Benefits But Now In Casualty).</p> <p>‘This scheme deliberately targets the unemployed,’ complained one man as he lay bleeding on the floor, ‘and it is especially galling since a lot of these sniper positions are being given away to Eastern European immigrants.’ </p> <p>People claiming Incapacity Benefit can also expect to be hit with the introduction of door-to-door snipers. ‘We simply pop round and fire off a few shots just to see if they are faking,’ said a DWP gunman, ‘admittedly a few of the innocent will get caught in the crossfire but you would be surprised at just how many of them start running. Then we know they're guilty and we can shoot them in good faith.’</p> <p>The sniper scheme is just one of many ‘radical’ new measures being introduced by the Pensions Secretary. </p> <p>Other plans include a ‘secret trapdoor’ positioned under the feet of anyone attempting to sign-on; promising drug addicts that if they end their claim they could get a free bag of heroin; and, most controversially, the use of IEDs or Improvised Employment Devices – high powered explosives that, if stepped upon, propel the unemployed into a job that that they didn’t really want. </p> <p>‘This should not be seen as a war on benefit claimants,’ insisted Mr Duncan Smith, ‘but if everything goes according to plan, I promise it will all be over by Christmas.’ </p>