http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=horses The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 12:25:21 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57024#post-165217 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 17:47:31 +0000 beau-jolly 165217@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I tried something similar 'kin ages ago. It got one-starred and died a death. Still like the concept.<br /> <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27874">Its a lottery</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57024#post-165195 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 14:19:53 +0000 fink 165195@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think the essence could be captured in a very nice ticker: "Punter lost £2 on 'unmiraculous' seven-horse accumulator, announces Ladbrokes" - says it all, bob's your uncle, nice one. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57024#post-165191 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 14:04:39 +0000 Lucy4 165191@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I don't much like the name James Stanley for the manager. He sounds a bit like an explorer. How about James Piggott or Francis Dick? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57024#post-165190 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 14:04:33 +0000 Lens Cap 165190@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Short and sweet </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57024#post-165183 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 12:58:14 +0000 Oxbridge 165183@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A few edits based on that. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57024#post-165178 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 12:06:19 +0000 Lens Cap 165178@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like the premise, but personally feel it is missing something. I think it would be so much better if the idea and jokes could be cut to an NiB length as the jokes feel to spread out.</p> <p> Paragraph 2 I think could be a lot tighter. Something like;</p> <p>'We like to share fairly typical stories about betting, not just huge successes' said James Scudamore, manager of the shop. 'We need to show our profits come from lots of people losing relatively small amounts otherwise we look like complete mugs, don't we?'</p> <p>I would also change the name of the Manager as Scudamore is a name well associated with racing with trainers and jockeys. Having as a ladbrokes shop manager is a tad confusing.</p> <p> I think Paragraph 4 also needs a stronger ending. At the moment it ends flat. I would cut it from 'with various other...' and attach the beginning to the end of paragraph 3.</p> <p> With the last paragraph I would lose the bit about the lasagne, I know people are still joking about it but it this piece it doesn't fit in with the punchline. So here is how I would have it</p> <p>A 58-year-old unemployed welder, Fred Stubbs, failed by a wide margin to get lucky at the races yesterday, when only one of the seven horses he backed in an accumulator romped home in first at Sandown Park. The unremarkable bet was placed in Ladbrokes shop on the High Street in Egham.</p> <p> 'We like to share fairly typical stories about betting, not just huge successes' said James Stanley, manager of the shop. 'We need to show our profits come from lots of people losing relatively small amounts otherwise we look like complete mugs, don't we?'</p> <p>Stubbs's mundane bet was based on horses randomly selected from the entire card, with any winning going on the next race. Had this happened, he would have won about £1.8 million net of tax. Unfortunately, only the fourth horse came up trumps by which time it was all academic. The poignancy of the occasion was reduced still further by the fact that there was a 10/1 shot called Lucky Gamble and a favourite optimistically named In the Money at 5/2. However, Stubbs did not back either of them and they both finished out of the frame in any case.</p> <p>'We like share both sides of the business to show gambling is always a good experience. we win his money, he has the excitement of a flutter. As they say in business, it's a win-win scenario. Well, except for all the shabby alcoholic losers, that is.'</p> <p> Thats about 240 words, but I think paragraph 2 and 4 say the same thing so I would also get rid of one and finish with the other.</p> <p>But what would I know? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57024#post-165166 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 10:30:51 +0000 Yikes 165166@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very enjoyable and good! 5* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57024#post-165163 Wed, 27 Feb 2013 10:14:45 +0000 Oxbridge 165163@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A 58-year-old unemployed welder, Fred Stubbs, failed by a wide margin to get lucky at the races yesterday, when only one of the seven horses he backed in an accumulator romped home in first at Sandown Park. The unremarkable bet was placed in Ladbrokes shop on the High Street in Egham, it has since emerged.</p> <p>'We like to share fairly typical stories about betting with the world,' said James Stanley, manager of the shop. 'There are occasional instances where punters take us to the cleaners, but what we really need to publicise is the way lots of people lose relatively small amounts. We don't want to make ourselves look complete mugs, do we?'</p> <p>Stubbs's mundane bet was based on horses randomly selected from the entire card at the meeting, with the winnings reinvested on successive races. Had this happened, his £2 stake would have netted him £1.8 million. Unfortunately, only the fourth horse, Wild Outlaw, came up trumps for him, by which time it was all academic.</p> <p>The limited poignancy of the occasion was reduced still further by the fact that there was a 10/1 shot in the first race called Lucky Gamble and the favourite in the last was In the Money, at 5/2. However, Stubbs did not back either of them and they finished out of the frame in any case. Despite dog number four coming up for him in the 2.58 at Perry Barr, Stubbs ended up £18 down on his afternoon's betting.</p> <p>'On the plus side for Fred, he won't starve because the local Tesco is selling beef lasagne at £5 for three,' said Stanley. 'He even joked with me as he left that that's what they should do with all the horses he backs. But it was all good - we won his money, he had the excitement of a flutter. As they say in business, it's a win-win scenario. Well, except for all the shabby alcoholic losers, that is.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56389#post-162872 Fri, 15 Feb 2013 01:46:07 +0000 sydalg 162872@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>One cardinal who was detained overnight admitted that the Pontiff's disappearance might look suspicious to some, coming at a time when you could get away with serving up Lord Lucan in a Quarter Pounder. Meanwhile, Findus continue to insist that their products are not infallible, just inedible. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56388#post-162871 Fri, 15 Feb 2013 01:38:38 +0000 sydalg 162871@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>More later </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56298#post-162533 Wed, 13 Feb 2013 16:49:10 +0000 sydalg 162533@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Get your Cow Formbook now. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44720#post-128171 Sat, 30 Jun 2012 14:35:25 +0000 ianslat 128171@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice idea. I wondered where that pub was. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44720#post-128166 Sat, 30 Jun 2012 13:46:55 +0000 Skylarking 128166@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant idea! Only reservation is that it feels like too many gags crammed in rather than any pacing. But totally needs to be FP. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44720#post-128071 Fri, 29 Jun 2012 17:23:16 +0000 JohnA 128071@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>But where will the man with the newt on his shoulder go? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44720#post-128053 Fri, 29 Jun 2012 14:57:52 +0000 Drylaw 128053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I heard it had been bought by an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44720#post-128016 Fri, 29 Jun 2012 08:25:40 +0000 Oxbridge 128016@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>JD Wetherspoon has announced the closure of the King's Arms, a historic Victorian hostelry close to Lingfield Park racecourse in Sussex. According to regional director Trevor Lawrence, a series of recent misfortunes, including incursions by neutrons demanding to be served at no charge and long-dead playwrights suing after they were Bard, have made the pub economicaly unviable.</p> <p>'It seemed like every time there was a race meeting, a horse would break loose and go into the King's Arms,' said Lawrence. 'Of course, being horses and thus incapable of speech, they would normally just stand there until the jockey retrieved them. However, if the landlord gave in to temptation and asked them 'Why the long face?' all hell would break out.'</p> <p>In one incident last autumn, the horse replied that it was 'So I can get it that much further up your wife's minge', leading to a fight that the police had to break up. More recently, another horse gloomily said 'Best Mate died' and when someone else said that the former Cheltenham Gold Cup winner had actually died in 2004 and he really ought to have got over it by now, the horse went berserk and destroyed the public lounge.</p> <p>Landlord Eric Watts could not be reached for comment, as he is under sedation at home like his five predecessors. It is understood that he suffered a nervous breakdown after having to deal with wave upon wave of mushrooms, dogs, kangaroos and groups of Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen coming into the pub together and expecting him to feed them lines.</p> <p>'Sadly, being that pub meant that no-one could just come in, sit down, order a drink and go home afterwards,' Lawrence said. 'It's a shame, because there were plenty of well-behaved regulars, like that cloud of helium for example. Even when he was told the pub wouldn't serve noble gases, he didn't react... OK, so you obviously didn't study chemistry, but trust me, that one's very, very funny.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40082#post-114018 Sun, 18 Mar 2012 14:04:11 +0000 weematt 114018@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Isle of Wight residents were more upset than normal when they learned that it took local volunteer fire officers over two hours to attend a fire at the Ryde Castle Hotel, Isle of Wight. Normally most of the crew can finish the dominoes, go to the toilet, grab walking sticks, zimmers etc. in less than an hour.<br /> Sam, one of the firemen, said it was not the crew to blame. They were not too quick as usual but nothing like two hours. Recently the horses used to pull the fire appliances had been replaced. In keeping with new local bye-laws only retired horses can be used and unfortunately one of the horses had spent the first part of its retirement galloping all over Oxfordshire and just couldn't hack it any more. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40014#post-113842 Fri, 16 Mar 2012 13:51:35 +0000 weematt 113842@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lord Justice Leveson was arrested late in the afternoon just as he was returning from horseriding near his Chipping Norton mansion. It is understood that he had been out riding with a group of neighbours on a horse borrowed from the Brooks family. Mr. and Mrs Brooks are a popular local couple who operate a sanctuary for semi-retired Metropolitan police horses.</p> <p>Many neighbours, some prominent in politics, have an arrangement with the Brooks' whereby in return for exercising the horses they get to use them (the horses) free of charge.</p> <p>One of the neighbours, Mrs. Susan Ackers, said that she could easily have been with Lord Leveson at the time of the raid had she not been working overtime. Some 45 of her colleagues have been suspended for some reason or another and they are short staffed.</p> <p>Metropolitan police issued a statement which indicated that Lord Leveson was not charged with any particular offence, just doing what he was best at – helping with inquiries. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13962#post-37844 Wed, 13 Oct 2010 08:29:19 +0000 Mary 37844@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>He did.............the dirty Lancastrian bastard. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13962#post-37841 Wed, 13 Oct 2010 08:24:29 +0000 IABP 37841@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's only an offence if you give them a biscuit. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13962#post-37838 Wed, 13 Oct 2010 08:18:58 +0000 Mary 37838@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A stable hand has been accused of three counts of grooming at Manchester Crown Court yesterday. Terence Malloy, a 48 year old bachelor from Winsford in Cheshire described in graphic detail how he had groomed a 5 year old over a 6 month period at Chase Farm just outside the small town of Poulton in Lancashire.</p> <p>Displaying no remorse whatsoever Malloy talked openly about how he would use a ‘Curry Comb’ and body brush ‘with fairly stiff bristles’ to groom his victim?</p> <p>Referring to the youngster as ‘my stallion’ Malloy went on to describe how, in a sickening act of depravity, he had used a ‘mane and tail’ comb and hoof pick to act out his perversion.</p> <p>Mrs Sharples 67, a relative who wishes to remain anonymous told our reporter how Malloy displayed no guilt about what he was doing at work.</p> <p>“He would often talk about how important it was to establish a routine when he was grooming his victim who he referred to as ‘Blue Boy’. He described how he would use his ‘Water Brush’ to get rid of any surface grease and mud. God knows what he was up to. He would always boast about how his 5 year old had a ‘healthy shine’. To think that we have such a monster in the family makes my skin crawl. The dirty bastard”.</p> <p>Malloy tried to justify his actions in court claiming that ‘everyone at work was grooming, I can’t see what all the fuss is about. Blue Boy loved it, you could tell by the look on his face. His nostrils would flare every time I got out my sweat scraper’.</p> <p>Newsbiscuit feels it would be inappropriate to publish Malloy’s ‘confession’ in full. However we can confirm that a Dandy Brush was used on more than one occasion.</p> <p>The case continues.</p> <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8978#post-24079 Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:50:07 +0000 Gary Stanton 24079@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Home Office investigations into the conduct of pathologist Freddy Patel have revealed he lacked any formal medical qualifications and learnt about the human body watching back episodes of Quincy, starring Jack Klugman, after a mate lent him a copy in his local boozer .</p> <p>Patel is said to have become obsessed with the popular series to the point where he would carry out police investigation work that was no concern of his and routinely demanded that colleagues refer to him as ‘Quince’ . Patel was also the subject of an earlier inquiry after sacking his understudy, insisting that the job could only be done by a Japanese guy called ‘Sam’ who was prepared to go the extra mile in order to secure a conviction. This often involved working late into the night on time and a half when the canteen was usually shut. </p> <p>Doubts were raised regarding Patel’s ability after he cornered the Crown’s Head Coroner on the golf course insisting that the late newsreader Jill Dando, assasinated by an unknown gunmanin 1999, had died of natural causes after knocking her head while putting up some shelves, but later changed his opinion after a medical student showed him the exit wounds.</p> <p>Further questions as to Patel’s competence were raised by several Pathology undergraduates who insist they never saw him touch a dead body. Twenty year-old student, Melanie Jackson, who had been assigned to Patel’s team said:</p> <p>‘I was present at one of Mr Patel’s post-mortems. He turned up half an hour late looking fairly dishevelled with his sandwiches wrapped in a paper bag. After opening all of the windows he said, ‘Gentlemen you are about to enter the world of forensic pathology’ and with that he pulled back the sheet to reveal the corpse and collapsed in a heap on the floor. '</p> <p>‘And the other thing is – do I look like a fucking gentleman to you? These are tits are they not? That was a rhetorical question. Put them away. ‘</p> <p>When Patel eventually regained consciousness some ninety minutes later he informed the group that the corpse was ‘like totally disgusting’ and that there ‘was no way on God’s earth’ he was going to touch it. </p> <p>‘He seemed totally lost in thought,’ said Jackson, ‘as though there some piece of the jigsaw missing which he couldn’t quite put his finger on. At the same time he seemed sure the matter could be resolved by Sam putting in an extra night shift while he went off to finger some beauty queen on a nearby yacht.’ </p> <p>Patel last night broke his silence regarding the death of the G8 protestor at the hands of the police. At a bar downtown he said :</p> <p>‘I tell you somethin’ - if you ignore this evidence an innocent man is gonna wind up in the slammer. Is dat what you want ? Huh ? Jees - I don’t know how you can look at yourself in da mirror. ’ </p>