http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=hitler The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 10:26:28 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=57950#post-168011 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 02:55:30 +0000 Gary Gonads 168011@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126943 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 21:34:20 +0000 Yikes 126943@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Agree that there are funny bits in this ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126942 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 21:23:41 +0000 The Masked Frog 126942@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I do like the bit about Castropubs :) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126937 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 20:10:19 +0000 JohnA 126937@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>tl;dr </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126921 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 18:25:28 +0000 TiffindeVere 126921@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>We are all in the gutter, but some of us are awarding ourselves 5 stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126918 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 18:09:09 +0000 dvo4fun 126918@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh, and well done [again] for the anon 5 stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126917 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 18:08:22 +0000 dvo4fun 126917@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There's some good stuff in here but, for what it's worth, suggest you prune it a little (less means more). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44369#post-126909 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 17:27:48 +0000 TiffindeVere 126909@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Michael Richmond-Coutts, 2nd laird of Kunthaire, was born and raised in a small, working-class mining village which his parents had specially built for him in the grounds of their Surrey estate. Partially raised by Quakers, he spent much of his infancy studying the manifold uses of oats. Seven years of research culminated in his now world-renowned academic paper, "Oats Are Only Good For Porridge", a work that won him the Kellogg prize for Breakfast Science in 1780.</p> <p>A peculiar but gifted child, he could play the violin with his feet, the piano with his elbows and the drums with his prodigous breasts, often all at the same time. He was quoted in an early interview as saying, "Oranges are most certainly the only fruit", but later changed his mind when he was handed an apple by a Noam Chomsky.</p> <p>Aged eight, he set about transcribing Wagner's Ring Cycle into Braille, a project which he has yet to complete. During a family camping trip to Utrecht in 1791, he was savagely mauled by a tiger, and for the remainder of his life a pronounced scar in the shape of the heraldic crest of the Manson family could be seen just above his left eyebrow.</p> <p>An avid collector of Nazi memorabilia, he purchased Hitler's testicles in 1910, but felt so bad about the whole affair that he sent one back to Mr Hitler by Royal Mail Next Day Special Delivery, and donated the other to the Albert Hall, where it languishes today in a glass case shaped like a phallus.</p> <p>He joined the Labour Party in the mid-eighties, but was disappointed that he didn't see a single woman give birth. His politcal affiliations then veered towards a greener, more socially conscious party, the British Order of Fascists, and he swiftly rose to the rank of the party's Grand Wizard within a matter of months. A further promotion, to the rank of 'High Priestess', followed shortly after.</p> <p>In 1892 he released his patented "Squeegee Board" onto the market, a device that allowed the user to contact the souls of departed window cleaners.</p> <p>He won the 1901 World Fencing Championships using nothing but a pen, an object which he had always asserted to be mightier than the sword. Shortly after this victory, a brief spell as a psychotherapist ended in tears.</p> <p>In 1993 Richmond-Coutts was jailed for life for a viscious knife attack on Tommy Cooper- fortunately 60's pop sensation Lulu was in the vicinity and was able to shout loud enough to catch the attention of local law enforcement officers. In his statement, Cooper explained how Richmond-Coutts had come at him from the shadows "..just like that."</p> <p>A brief period of study at the Gewurtztraminer Institute in Bavaria led to problematic alcoholism, and Richmond-Coutts hit rock bottom when he made an impassioned anti-semitic speech at his nephew's Bar Mitzvah in 1998.</p> <p>On an archaeological dig in Bolton in 1931, Richmond-Coutts found a three hundred year old Faberge chicken, putting to rest the contentious argument of which came first. He likes the phrase "Yo, Banana Boy" because is it exactly the same when spelled backwards.</p> <p>He found success in 1961 with his feminist Motown singing trio "The Suffragettes", and went on to marry the lead singer, Candice Tampacks. Tampacks tragically died when she fell under a horse at Newmarket a year later, but he remained jubilant as the horse he had backed, Perforated Bowel, romped home to victory in the very same race.</p> <p>A successful restaurant venture followed when he opened Chez Che in Notting Hill in 1989, a Cuban-French fusion restaurant that he called a 'Castropub'. He worked occasional shifts in the kitchen at Chez Che as a Commis Magician, but showed no real talent for it and gave up shortly after.</p> <p>Richmond-Coutts then hit the bottle, which smashed and caused serious lacerations to his hands and wrists. He set about making dessert wines, and had varying degrees of success: his trifle-flavoured Pinot Noir was a runaway hit, but his Spotted Dick Chablis failed to garner any praise at all.</p> <p>He was a familiar face on the London charity circuit, turning up to fundraisers wearing nothing but a tricorn hat, two peacock feathers hanging lifeless from his nostrils. He would draw crowds wherever he went, a hobby made much easier by carrying a sketch book and pencil.</p> <p>He once cried continuously for seven days having dropped a pint of semi-skimmed milk, but snapped out of it when he realised it was of no use.</p> <p>Shortly before his death he married pop starlet Miley Cyrus, and was making plans to have her jaw wired and tongue removed so that she could never utter a single word again.</p> <p>He leaves behind two unspeakably ugly children. He will be in some ways missed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40365#post-114807 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 13:12:46 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 114807@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An amazing discovery in Rawtenstall Lancashire today by Mrs Sadie Zimmerframe of previously unheard 1930's rap songs by George Formby under the pseudonymn " Tu Bob" .</p> <p>The songs cover a wide range of social issues such as Urban decay, unemployment,drugs, police harassment, Pigs Trotters, Neville Chamberlin and Rickets. There is even a wartime one, where listeners are encouraged to use Ho's to dig for victory and pop a cap in Mr Hitler's ass. This discovery predates what thought to be the first known apperance of rap with the album "Straight out of Konigsberg" by Notourious B.I.G. aka Herman Goring and Public Enemy aka Adolf Hitler. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9438#post-25509 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 08:19:48 +0000 Sharpehunter 25509@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>on that note I must dash... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9438#post-25481 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 03:13:43 +0000 SingingHinny 25481@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sometimes you wake up and you can't get back to sleep. Rejig headline, fix typo, turn pillow to cold side. Perfick. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9438#post-25465 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 00:12:20 +0000 SingingHinny 25465@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Plans to revive Hitler have been scuppered after vandals desecrated his final resting place. Much like Dracula and other minions of Darkness, Hitler can be resurrected if the remains of his mortal body are soaked once more in the blood of a fresh kill. However, when members of the North London Fascist Occultists (‘Real Zombies Goose-Step’) raided the secret burial chambers of one of the most reviled men in history, they discovered he had be shorn of his trademark toothbrush moustache.</p> <p>‘It is an absolute disaster! Everyone knows that a man’s soul is found in the cut of his facial hair. Without his lip-rug he is somehow less evil.’ said Raymond Harris-Goerring. ‘Last time this happened, we hoped to resurrect the greatest evil mind of the twentieth century, but instead we got a rather quiet man with little interest in tyranny and an overriding predilection for Russ Abbot and Tunnock’s Teacakes.' </p> <p>'It took a month before we could convince him to grow his moustache back, and even then he would only grow a handlebar; we had to search Soho for hours before we finally found him. In the end we had to kill him to be honest. We just figured that the 1980s wasn’t the right time; there was too much love, not enough hate and way too many well-lubed PVC Nazi suits around.’</p> <p>The problem has left the NLFO kicking its heels in frustration. ‘We just don’t know what to do. We thought the time was ripe for a return to the ‘Good Old Ways’. Tension over immigration is at its highest since the 1960s, the pseudo-fascists have made their way on to ‘Question Time’ and the leading civil servant in the land has as much tact, diplomacy and understanding of foreign affairs as Prince Philip. And he was dangerous enough on his own! We couldn’t have hoped for more.' </p> <p>'But the risks of him growing a moustache in this climate are possibly too great. In his day, Hitler was surrounded by other equally dangerous moustachioed men, like Stalin, from whom he could draw strength. Now, the most recognisable moustache- adorned men are Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt. At best we could hope for a threesome with Vanessa Paradis and Angelina Jolie; nice, but it’s hardly genocide. It’s such a shame Peter Mandleson shaved his off.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7533 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 11:47:44 +0000 QorbeQ 7533@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Class work Mr P! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7530 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 11:34:35 +0000 Zadok the second 7530@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Say what you like about Nigel, at least he'll get the trains running on time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7529 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 11:05:40 +0000 MrChigleysAunt 7529@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>She says Ja. Five stars and a recommendation for FP status </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7528 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 11:04:15 +0000 Ludicity 7528@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Vote Vote Vote for Nigel Hitler. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7523 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:45:15 +0000 Scroat 7523@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A FP if ever I saw one JP. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7520 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:39:53 +0000 MrChigleysAunt 7520@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Just sent it to a German colleague to find out whether I'm allowed to give you the 5 stars I think you deserve. More soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7518 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:28:47 +0000 jp1885 7518@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers!<br /> Yours, Minxy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7506 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:03:02 +0000 Scroat 7506@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>it's not exactly Kristallnacht, but it's a start - the Fifth Reich can't be too far around the corner now.'</blockquote></p> <p>Brilliant stuff Your Grace. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7504 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:01:59 +0000 sauce 7504@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ooh, we have neighbours with the stones, and plants in pots, and open warfare with various other neighbours.</p> <p>JP, how could anyone <em>not</em> stalk you, you delicious minx? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7500 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 09:50:04 +0000 jp1885 7500@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You're doing fine Ed - besides, QorbeQ is far out-creeping you in the freaky stalker stakes. It doesn't help that I sit at the other end of the office to him though (no, that's not a euphemism!) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7498 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 09:47:11 +0000 edward hack 7498@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Couldn't get past Nigel Hitler for a giggling while<br /> Have to say that virtually every one of your subs has a stand out line....for me it is the whitewashed stones bit - classic<br /> Hope that doesn't sound too creepy and you must admit, I have complied with the restraining order so far </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2529#post-7492 Wed, 14 Apr 2010 09:36:21 +0000 jp1885 7492@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Far-right extremists are breathing a sigh of relief today, after the worlds only living clone of fascist leader Adolf Hitler was officially labelled a 'complete bastard' by his peers.</p> <p>Nigel Hitler, 51, was originally cloned from cells taken from the Fuehrer's brain by a secret cabal of Nazi scientists in Buenos Aires during the 1950's, before being smuggled into the UK to be raised by suitably middle-class foster parents. According to recently declassified reports, his creators originally worried that their would-be Übermensch was turning into 'a rather personable young man, as opposed to the sexually repressed outsider seething with resentment we were hoping for.'</p> <p>One report criticised his oratory skills, detailing how 'Hitler MKII' singularly failed to rouse any book-burning mobs or jackbooted military formations with fiery rhetoric during his teenage years. 'He shows absolutely no sign of rabid anti-Semitism,' one observer wrote. 'He exhibits little in the way of an iron-willed determinism to conquer Europe, eschews a decent side-parting and refuses point-blank to grow a toothbrush moustache.' </p> <p>However, Nigel's descent into middle-aged has raised the hopes of many right-wing British nationalists. 'He's a lot more curmudgeonly nowadays,' claimed local BNP activist 'Commandant' Rodney Burridge. 'Regularly complaining about the noise his neighbours make, waiting until they put the washing out before burning his garden waste and putting whitewashed stones on the grass verge outside his house so that no-one can park there - it's not exactly Kristallnacht, but it's a start - the Fifth Reich can't be too far around the corner now.'</p> <p>Once-sympathetic neighbours who originally ascribed this change to the pressures and daily grind of everyday life, now subscribe to the notion that Hitler has simply become a bastard. 'He's a right nasty piece of work,' complained one nearby housewife. 'I know he's got a big mortgage and marriage problems, but since I caught him chasing our cat off his back lawn with a hosepipe, I won't let the kids anywhere near him.'</p> <p>Others blame a recent career change, when financial problems forced a move from the part-time voluntary sector into a full time job as a traffic warden. 'He's transmogrified into your typically officious, small-minded jobsworth public servant,' a former colleague noted; 'it's true what they say isn't it? Give 'em a uniform and they think they're Hitler.' </p>