http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=heaven The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 14:38:43 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44507#post-127370 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 08:19:53 +0000 FlashArry 127370@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice pick-up - have some stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44507#post-127341 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 03:39:59 +0000 ozalba 127341@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><em>Our Afterlife correspondent reports</em>: In a dramatic turn of events, just hours after news broke of 72 Richard Bransons greeting a suicide bomber in Paradise, a scheme has been uncovered involving the 'rebirthing' of late-model used Virgins. "This is deeply shocking," said one recent member of the Paradise Sky-high Club. "We dedicate ourselves selflessly to our work, only to find that we have been betrayed by these despicable infidels. I thought I had Gold Member status."</p> <p>Just how widespread this deception is, is unknown at present. However, several other Club members admitted to having had nagging doubts prior to taking up their membership. "I mean, how many Virgins can there be?" said one perplexed member, who did not wish to be named, but who looked a lot like Ali G. "This brings shame on my father's house; he'll kill me!"</p> <p>Initial investigations indicate that the scheme has been operating for some time, with many innocent people completely fooled. Although Mafia involvement is suspected, a shady character called Mr Finkelstein has been linked with the scheme. There may actually be more than one syndicate involved, as it seems that one recent shipment of used Virgins was destroyed en route to Paradise when an explosive device detonated as their truck was passing by. It was likely this very act, and the resulting acute shortage of cute Virgins, that led to a last-minute contingent of Bransons being brought into service. With the only alternative being to use older models with more miles on the clock, it was probably felt that the Bransons were the lesser evil, and that everyone would be dazzled by the smiles on their clocks. Whether more Bransons are waiting to enter circulation is not yet known, but a link with Virgin Galactic and a contract for ongoing supply cannot be ruled out.</p> <p>As yet, no group has claimed responsibility. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=26183#post-71280 Tue, 07 Jun 2011 16:53:43 +0000 mbalton 71280@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Apple CEO Steve Jobs is hastening his arrival at the Pearly Gates, so he can personally negotiate with St. Peter for the rights to the name “iCloud.”</p> <p>When Apple launched its new iCloud product this week, the company was inundated with complaints which claimed that God owns both the naming rights and the substance of the iCloud concept.</p> <p>God’s response was surprisingly wrath free. “Our iCloud service has been running dependably since I can remember,” St. Peter said. “And I’ve been working here forever.”</p> <p>The Saint went on to explain how I Cloud operates. “We give each of our customers an individual cloud that lets them float around for all eternity. We must be doing something right, because we haven’t had a single complaint.”</p> <p>Jobs believes that heaven and Apple can share the iCloud concept. “You just have to look at how Apple and Adobe worked out our differences over Flash,” the Apple founder said.</p> <p>Jobs, whose health has been failing in recent years, doesn’t mind making the one-way trip to oblivion. “Just as long as I don’t have to fly Delta,” he stated.</p> <p>The Apple CEO is confident that the journey will be worthwhile. “It comes down to negotiating skills,” he added. “I’ve been pulling the wool over Bill Gates’ eyes for years. How hard can it be to out hustle God?” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1241#post-3240 Sat, 20 Mar 2010 15:42:51 +0000 rfreed 3240@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A major uproar has occurred in the normally peaceful and idyllic universal subdivision of Heaven, home to famous celebrities such as Jehovah, Thor, Osiris, Allah, Zeus, Ahura Mazda, God and their flunkies Buddha, Zarathustra, Moses, Mithra and, of course, Jesus. Angels assigned to the three major Western religions have gone on strike, claiming that the so-called 'religious' humans they oversee are no longer worthy of their help. The angels are upset at the endless violence that seems to be amplifying between the Christian, Muslim and Jewish parts of the world.<br /> “It is unfortunate that it has come to this, but I understand their feelings.” stated St. Peter, keeper of the Christian Pearly Gates to Heaven, subsection Catholic entrance. “They don't see why they should be wasting time on people who are only interested in killing each other.”<br /> Mohammed Attik, guardian of the Muslim Gate, Sunni division entrance, stated “They got tired of all these guys who were suicide bombers who they pick up after dieing and the first thing they ask the angels is 'Where are my 72 virgins?' The whole spiritual aspect of religion has been lost.”<br /> Gabriel, Chief Christian angel and the union rep for the Society Of Angelic Servers Union spoke for all when he said that “There has been too much of a return to the old 'eye for an eye' mentality from the Old Testament. The whole emphasis of religion has shifted from God serving to self serving. Self serving is the anti-thesis of all that the angels work for.”<br /> Using the 'blue flu' type of striking tactics in which they do not show up for work, the angels have been having to deal with the lack of activity that a strike brings. Used to being busy, the angels are filling their time with bowling, reading classical novels and flying kites. A few have lapsed into card playing, but they have been duly reprimanded by their superiors.<br /> When informed of the matter, Zeus, speaking for all the gods currently presiding over Heaven, said that “They had better get back on duty within 24 hours other wise we're going to bring in scabs to do the work. We can't be wasting valuable time.” The angels did not respond to this, largely due to their sworn ethic not to say anything negative or commit violent acts. It looks to be a very boring and unnewsworthy strike. </p>