http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=he-used-to-be-funnier The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 19 Jun 2013 05:21:19 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19462#post-150710 Mon, 26 Nov 2012 20:56:03 +0000 malgor 150710@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>WTF???!!! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19462#post-150707 Mon, 26 Nov 2012 20:49:32 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 150707@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20239#post-54602 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 23:23:10 +0000 Mr.3374 54602@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If you don't swear, yes. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20239#post-54599 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 22:27:51 +0000 mr blue 54599@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Is that the civil lisp? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20239#post-54595 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 21:32:34 +0000 Mr.3374 54595@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Give the queen a new identity, ie Queen Schindler, to get Queen Schindler's Lisp. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20239#post-54565 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 16:53:39 +0000 Ludicity 54565@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks people. </p> <p>And thanks for the suggestion Oxy. It was mad enough writing it with Chris Eubank and now you want Tommy Trinder? Here's a clip of the great man to keep everyone happy. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-cKswoazMY" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-cKswoazMY</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20239#post-54547 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:14:41 +0000 Oxbridge 54547@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice idea, but one suggestion. The real Queen didn't to the best of my knowledge have a lisp but she did speak in this awful strangulated accent (recordings of her as a young woman must be easy enough to find) that even toffs found grating. Would something about how she learned to talk common with the help of, say, some Cockney geezer comedian of the 1950s (Tommy Trinder?) work better? Just a thought. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20239#post-54544 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:06:22 +0000 Zadok the second 54544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I would like to see this film now, please. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20239#post-54542 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:50:55 +0000 Waggys Dog 54542@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20239#post-54540 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:44:04 +0000 Ludicity 54540@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Award winning actor Colin Firth has confirmed that he will star in a sequel to The King’s Speech, The Queen’s Lisp, in which he plays the young Queen Elizabeth II as she struggles to overcome a terrible speech impediment.</p> <p>‘Playing The Queen will be the biggest challenge of my acting career,’ said Firth, ‘Judi Dench has done it, Helen Mirren has done it, but until I play this role then I simply cannot be taken seriously as an actor.’</p> <p>Set in 1952, the film tells the moving story of Elizabeth who ascends to the throne but is unable to speak in public without pronouncing her sibilants as interdentals. The reason for her lisp is unclear although, according to the film, she has been traumatised by her husband, Philip, who continually says inappropriate things due to a tragic case of Tourettes. </p> <p>In a desperate attempt to overcome her lisp the young monarch visits an unconventional speech therapist, played by Chris Eubank. Ironically he can’t even pronounce the word ‘therapist’. Eubank helps her to conquer her lisp by teaching her to box and fight like a warrior. </p> <p>‘The Queen’s Lisp will be a mixture of Royalty and Rocky,’ said Firth, ‘but as I train for the biggest fight of my life, running through the snow in a delicate lavender dress with matching bonnet and boxing gloves, I really hope to play the part of Her Majesty with the reverence and humility that it deserves.’</p> <p>Historians have been quick to point out that Queen Elizabeth II has never had a lisp or trained as a boxer. However, director Tom Hooper defends his vision. ‘The Queen’s Lisp is based on a true story,’ he said, ‘Ok, so it’s not 100% historically accurate and it never actually happened, but dramatically it’s true.’</p> <p>The Queen’s Lisp has already been nominated for twelve Academy Awards despite the fact that it hasn’t even been made yet. ‘This film has everything,’ said Firth, ‘royalty, boxing, a speech impediment and a man in a dress. They may as well just give me the Oscar now.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19462#post-52407 Tue, 04 Jan 2011 11:39:17 +0000 Oxbridge 52407@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Colleagues of Rupert Underwood, a 43-year-old systems manager at the Reading-based online order fulfilment firm Zentixx, are demanding that disciplinary action be taken against him. They all agree that Underwood makes supposedly ironic asides about BDSM far more often than would be likely by pure chance or even the intrinsic humour of the subject.</p> <p>According to accounts supervisor Mary Blaine, the problem began just over three months ago. Underwood was speaking at the leaving presentation for her attractive young assistant Amanda Baker, when he made a pretend slip of the tongue that had the whole office chuckling.</p> <p>'He said 'Amanda, on behalf of the whole team, I’d like to spank you very much, but I doubt that’s going to happen, so I’ll just hand over this present instead',' said Blaine. 'Next time someone left, he started on about us having a whip-round. At first we thought he was just milking the laughter, but soon he couldn’t get through a day without slipping 'leather' or 'chains' into the conversation.'</p> <p>Added Blaine: 'I can take men leering at me but surely I can’t be expected to work with someone when all the time he’s probably thinking of making me dress up as a traffic warden, strapping me to a chair and walking around me slowly in circles telling me what a naughty girl I’ve been for giving him a parking ticket while I sit there helpless and gagged ... oooh ... Well, it's intolerable, isn't it?'</p> <p>A minority of Zentixx’s 72 workers are more sympathetic to Underwood. Marketing executive Max Wright commented: 'I can't help noticing that every last one of these people tut-tutting about Rupert’s kink knows what BDSM stands for. Funny, that. Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism, actually. I Googled it - yes, that IS why CagedRussianBoys.com is on my browser actually, before you say anything.'</p> <p>Team harmony is vital to DataPay and managing director Graham Meadows has decided that Underwood has to go. He recognises, however, that the case for sacking his colleague is legally weak and that the board may struggle to persuade Underwood to accept voluntary redundancy on standard terms.</p> <p>'I guess we'll probably have to go to an employment tribunal to thrash out a deal with him,' sighed Meadows. 'And let me stress that I mean that metaphorically, not putting on Roman gladiators' costumes, wrapping up some birch twigs into a bundle and flogging each other's pale, hairy backs into a bloody pulp. At all. I'm not into that kind of kinky stuff ... oh shit.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8687#post-23343 Sat, 17 Jul 2010 21:57:38 +0000 rikkor 23343@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sure. What would you like to share? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8687#post-23335 Sat, 17 Jul 2010 20:45:40 +0000 FormerlyAlOPecia 23335@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>rikkor - is there something you'd like to share with us all, your close Circle of Fiends? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8687#post-23319 Sat, 17 Jul 2010 18:13:42 +0000 rikkor 23319@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lydia Pinckham, the last of London’s Smallclothes Matrons died peacefully in her sleep this past week at the age of 97. Until the 1970’s, every reputable British hospital had at least one Smallclothes Matron on staff. The profession dates back to the late 17th century, when mothers would call after their daughters “Make sure your wear clean linen, you slattern! If you get run over by the Brighton post, I’ll not have you bringing shame on this family.”</p> <p>As styles of dress and transportation changed, good mothers continued to instill in their daughters the fear of being hospitalized while wearing tatty undergarments.</p> <p>The following are excerpts from a BBC interview conducted in 1980 when the late Mrs. Pinckham retired after over forty years as Smallclothes Woman at Mayfair’s Great St. Beryl Street Hospital for Women.</p> <p>BBC Interviewer: Why did a Smallclothes Woman only humiliate women? Why not men?</p> <p>Mrs: Pinckham: Well, a man who is concerned with society’s opinion of his undies is really not a man at all. Mind you, I could tell you plenty of stories of lorry drivers wearing the kind of dainty things that would suit a Parisian fancy lady, but that’s a bit off topic.</p> <p>BBC: What was your training like?</p> <p>LP: Well, it was as hard as Chinese geometry! The history of the profession took at least a year to learn. And some girls weren’t up to the acting skills required to stage a dramatic reveal of the dingy undergarments in hospital. You had to have quite a sense of timing and drama to evoke the proper shame and remorse in the patient. It would have given Sarah bloody Bernhardt something to chew on.</p> <p>BBC: The history?</p> <p>LP: Oh, yes. The most heart-wrenching story we learned was about Xenia, Grand Duchess of Kiev. She was horribly maimed by an anarchist’s bomb at a St. Petersburg ballet recital in 1905. Grand Duchess Xenia refused all medical help, as she knew her maid had failed to repair a tiny tear in the point de Venise on her petticoat. She chose death rather than expose her family to public censure.</p> <p>BBC: An amazing story.</p> <p>LP: Yes. She was later canonized by The Russian Orthodox church in exile for her delicate sense of honor and her amazing technique with a lead-weighted knout on peasants’ backs.</p> <p>BBC: When was the heyday of the Smallclothes Matron?</p> <p>LP: Well, the profession really hit its stride by the early 1900’s. In those days, women had the proper, ladylike abhorrence of having their stained, torn knickers held up to public ridicule.</p> <p>Only the best hospitals could employ a properly trained Smallclothes Matron. It took the pressure off the nursing sisters. Although, even the most harried sister had time to tip us off when the patient was about to become conscious again. </p> <p>They didn’t half look a fright when we held their begrimed unmentionables up with our rubber gloves on and loudly declared “I believe these are yours, Madam.” It was especially effective if friends or relatives were present in the room.</p> <p>BBC: Wasn’t that awfully cruel?</p> <p>LP: Well, it taught them that mother is always right, didn’t it? I know that it really helped some of the women. It’s hard to be depressed about missing limbs and disfigurement when you know the whole hospital is laughing at your dirty drawers.</p> <p>BBC: When did you notice your profession was in decline?</p> <p>LP: Mrs. Simpson started it, didn’t she?</p> <p>BBC: The Duchess of Windsor?</p> <p>LP: No, Mrs. Daisy Simpson of Bognor, just after the War. She must have been admitted to St. Beryl’s as an act of charity. Not our type of patient at all.</p> <p>Fairly took the wind out of all of us with her complete cheeky disregard for our opinion of her filthy, tattered underthings. It was the end of an era. After Mrs. Simpson, it seemed very hard to get a rise out of anyone at any hospital. They world had changed, they just stopped caring.</p> <p>BBC: And nowadays?</p> <p>LP: Well, you’d be happy to see them wear knickers at all today. Mark my words! It won’t be too many years before women start to sell sex tapes of themselves mating with donkeys just to get a mention in Hello! magazine, whatever that might be. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23122 Fri, 16 Jul 2010 00:04:57 +0000 rikkor 23122@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Moptop, MD. Good idea re: S. Plath. She's lucky that she offed herself before I got to her. What an insufferable bore. St. Ted Hughes is wot he wuz! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23115 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 21:37:07 +0000 Doctor Moptop 23115@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You're too kind, AntH. It was just a little something I knocked off ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23114 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 21:34:04 +0000 antharrison 23114@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23106 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 20:45:55 +0000 Doctor Moptop 23106@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I, for one, would like more articles of this ilk.</p> <p>For does not JO'F himself ask for horoscopes, articles, reviews, recipes (HINT), problem pages (DITTO) and not just news articles?</p> <p>For is not every newspaper stuffed with horoscopes, articles, reviews, recipes (BIG FAT HINT), problem pages (DITTO) and not just news articles?</p> <p>Please, Rikkor, do your very best to uncover diaries by Sylvia Plath ("I ran out of shillings for the meter today. Such a bore ..."), T.S. Eliot ("I allow myself three teaspoons of coffee per day, measuring them carefully and using my special cup ..."), Ted Hughes ("The wife says I'll be the death of 'er ...")</p> <p>Mine a meme! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23080 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 16:00:33 +0000 sauce 23080@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Has anyone complained about the tags yet?</p> <p>(Stars, and dog biscuits) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23057 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 12:00:45 +0000 rickwestwell 23057@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Seabiscuit" - is that the website where old sailors go to yarn, write satirical news stories and moan about the boating system? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23055 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 11:51:32 +0000 rikkor 23055@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>R. Snake may be thinking of Emmeline "Seabiscuit" Pankhurst. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23054 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 11:46:29 +0000 Griffin 23054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You should not mention Trillian. It has set me going again. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23051 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 11:34:06 +0000 The All New Jeni B 23051@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>That's the one.<br /> I don't know her either. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23045 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 10:50:44 +0000 ramblesnake 23045@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If you mean the shrill voiced American actress with the platinum blond hair, I've never heard of her. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23037 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 09:55:18 +0000 The All New Jeni B 23037@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought Emily Dickinson played Trillian in HHGTTG?<br /> She was married to Dr Who at one point. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-23021 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 09:02:49 +0000 ramblesnake 23021@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wasn't Emily Dickinson the insufferable woman who tried to run the Derby without a mount? They had to shoot her as she was frightening the horses. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-22992 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 06:57:12 +0000 Dickens or Shakespeare 22992@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The complete works of Rikkor in one sub. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-22987 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 05:41:25 +0000 edward hack 22987@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>you're ass shouldn't hurt quite so much now you've got rid of that </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-22984 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 00:30:32 +0000 rikkor 22984@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>With all this love flowing over me, I feel like I should say something crappy about the voting system or sumfing. For those of you who are ephemera-lite, look up Maria Monk. One of my favo(u)rites. I have a copy of the ageless tome describing her trials in the basement of the Hotel Dieu in Montreal. Vy. scandalous. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8503#post-22975 Wed, 14 Jul 2010 22:04:14 +0000 StoopyDeGunt 22975@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Emily Dickinson? She was my favourite maverick lady cop </p>