http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=grand-national The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 08:29:30 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41764#post-119128 Wed, 18 Apr 2012 15:13:53 +0000 clicktingstampz 119128@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Scientists say they have perfected a computer which can establish precisely how soon after the death of a celebrity it is acceptable to make a tasteless joke at their expense.<br /> A team from the University of East Anglia has been testing a series of offensive jokes in laboratory conditions for the past six years, using a complex series of algorithms, levers, buttons and pulleys.<br /> Professor Gerald Swinton explained that the breakthrough came when their computer – named ATHRON 5 – was able to correctly predict that by 9.15am on April 17, there would be general acceptance in most UK workplaces of a gag about the deaths of two horses in the Grand National three days earlier.<br /> Professor Swinton added: “It hasn't been easy, especially as only three of our team of 12 have any idea what an algorithm is.<br /> “We'd had some promising results over the past few years, but nothing concrete.<br /> “For example, back in 2010, an earlier prototype, ATHRON 3, correctly predicted that it would take the general public precisely six days, three hours and 11 minutes to take a joke about the death of much-loved rugby commentator Bill McClaren, in good heart.<br /> “But then the computer totally blew it by completely misreading the public's reaction to the death of Captain Beefheart later that year.”<br /> Professor Swinton and his team believe the breakthrough could revolutionise the way we approach tasteless jokes.<br /> “No longer will the office wag have to sweat anxiously over whether or not he can safely release a tasteless, yet moderately amusing gag, about the passing of a former Coronation Street actor or an X Factor wannabe,” he said.<br /> It is not yet known when a version of ATHRON 5 will be available for public use, but demand from stand-up comics is already overwhelming.<br /> Earlier this year, Jimmy Carr was forced to apologise to the family of the late blues singer Etta James, after making an ill-advised quip about her passing from leukaemia, four days before it happened.<br /> Mr Carr initially blamed the incident on an administrative error, but later admitted he had stolen an untested version of the ATHRON 4 prototype, which has since been put in a box and placed on top of a very tall cupboard so nobody can reach it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2108#post-6231 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 08:15:10 +0000 Des Custard 6231@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Even better this time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2108#post-6219 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 07:24:00 +0000 Stan Laurel 6219@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It’s been a traditional sight at race meetings up and down the land for hundreds of years but a <em>Sporting Life</em> study suggesting that ‘Tic-Tac’ the ancient language of on-course bookmakers may die out within the next five years has caused consternation amongst the anthropology community, especially those who enjoy a flutter on the horses.</p> <p>“The study confirms our worst fears.” said one leading dialect conservationist in his online blog yesterday. “Instead of communicating the latest odds by this uniquely special sign language, bookies simply use their mobiles phones. I just cannot understand why modern technology is allowed to wipe out years of cultural development. It’s almost criminal.”</p> <p>Leading bookmakers preparing for their annual pilgrimage to the Aintree Grand National meeting appear to have little time for the dying art form. “Nah! I stopped using tic-tac years ago,” said ‘Honest’ Paddy Kennedy, “after an incident at Haydock Park when I put my hand on my hat to stop it blowing off in a gust of wind and inadvertently blew five grand on a nag that struggled to finish last. Cost me a mint.”</p> <p>“It I were a betting man”, continued Mr Kennedy “I’d lay odds of 4-1 that tic-tac will die out by 2015.”</p> <p>It had been hoped that the language could be introduced to the young to reduce mobile phone thefts but attempts to teach tic-tac in schools have failed mainly due to the lack of direct translations for modern street vernacular. Whilst “bitch” easily translated to “mare”, it was far more difficult to find words for “gangsta” and “kuzzys”.</p> <p>Experts fear that the language may disappear altogether with its last great exponent, TV’s turf pundit John McCririck, who reaches seventy this month, an age that most racing commentators can expect to be put out to pasture. </p> <p>However McCririck dismissed stories of his imminent retirement. “Absolute crazy nonsense”, he said, pointing to his temple using tic-tac signing as he spoke. “In any case, I’m not going to retire. I intend to be put out to stud.” he leered, clutching his groin.”</p> <p><font size="1.5"><em>Extensively refurbished in honour of this weekend's Grand National</em></font> </p>