http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=gove The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 07:06:23 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55467#post-160311 Tue, 29 Jan 2013 16:58:45 +0000 pj 160311@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Education Secretary, Michael Gove, today denied screaming the word Ebacc into his wife's face during sex.<br /> In his dulcet, closeted, Aberdonian tones, Mr Gove, or to the M, to the I, to the K, to the E, as he prefers to be called, stated "at no point during intercourse have I ever screamed the phrase Ebacc.<br /> 'This is a typical left wing smear campaign orchestrated by a bunch of SWP trots, who would rather see your children being let down by substandard, ugly, benefit-claiming lesbians, than enjoy the rewards reaped by the wondrous beneficence displayed by our private providers. If anything, I am more likely to scream for 'Scottish Higher!'<br /> Mr Gove's wife was unavailable for comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48679#post-140395 Wed, 26 Sep 2012 13:41:55 +0000 Deadcode 140395@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's excellent to start. The first two paragraphs are strong but then it tapers off a bit, it needs a atronger ending. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48679#post-140369 Wed, 26 Sep 2012 12:06:15 +0000 DustyBinLaden 140369@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Do these Christmas stories arrive earlier and earlier every year? Nice story, probably needs a funnier (or more site style) header. Tons of mileage for games/products... Michael Gove's Lip, the hilarious game of trying to get as many small plastic items on Michael Gove's bottom lip. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48679#post-140331 Wed, 26 Sep 2012 10:03:58 +0000 andydog 140331@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Michael Gove yesterday announced plans to reintroduce the true meaning of Christmas back into the school curriculum. He would do this with the help of Christmas authorities such as Argos, Amazon and Boots. In a brief statement he said, "Our children have lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas. Yes, it's about goodwill to all men and celebrating the birth of Jesus but its also about importing tonnes of cheap plastic shite so that our children can have hours, sometimes 3 hours, of use from them before putting them on eBay". A spokesperson from the Association of Head Teachers has given a lukewarm reaction to the scheme, "First Free Schools, the sale of playing fields and now this. What can you say… the man is a prick".</p> <p>It's not yet clear how the new scheme would work although it's rumoured that in early September leather bound books adorned with a gold cross will be given to each primary school child in the UK. Inside would be an Argos style toy catalogue. Bob Cross from the Christian Studies Institution of Christianity had this to say, "It's important to teach children the relationship between Religion and guilt. Hopefully the children can pass this on to their parents when they unable to fulfil the children's demands".</p> <p>Some Christian groups have been outraged at the scheme. However, Kriston Bike, a leading Christian scholar and a the Head of Sales at Argos said "Our slogan for the campaign is 'It's what Jesus would have wanted'. If you think about it Jesus was one of the original entrepreneurs, making wine out of water… the loaves and fish an so on. Although ultimately he was crucified for his efforts, he used limited resources and labour and was able to feed the mass market."<br /> He went on to say, "We've got some exciting products lined up for the catalogue. One is a race 'n' chase Scalextric set where you can choose to either be The Prince of Darkness or The Archangel Gabriel. Another is our Buckaroo Little Donkey in which you have to overload a small donkey without it bucking, climaxing with the Virgin Mary."</p> <p>Careful not to affront other religions, Gove states he had been in discussion with McDonalds to provide religious icon figurines with school 'happy holiday' meals*<br /> The Department for Education also informs us talks are ongoing with the Easter Bunny's representatives in order to educate children to the true meaning of Easter.</p> <p><em>* Prophet Muhammad not included</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48268#post-138917 Tue, 18 Sep 2012 19:27:30 +0000 woodymellor 138917@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm not sure it really works as an article. I think maybe there are one or two one-liners that are usable - any feedback appreciated on a joke by joke basis. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48268#post-138900 Tue, 18 Sep 2012 17:53:23 +0000 woodymellor 138900@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Michael Gove’s announcement of an education shakeup on Monday left thousands of pupils dilated. </p> <p>Mr Gove decried a “race to the bottom” in education, in which he presumably recalls an Oxford initiation ceremony.</p> <p>With the new English Baccalaureate Certificate, pupils will sit one of two possible papers. The foundation paper is so called because it prepares students who take it for a career in brick laying. This is one area where there will in fact be an emphasis on coursework. And there will be one paper for advanced learners. Presumably the Telegraph.</p> <p>Instead of schools choosing between competing exam boards, one exam board will be given a five year contract, which is more than the pupils who sit the foundation paper can hope for.</p> <p>Mr Gove went on to state that he will also be boycotting IKEA, as he is vehemently opposed to modular units.</p> <p>Teachers were quick to respond to the Education Secretary’s statements, with biology teachers in particular defending the merits of internal assessments. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31366#post-88562 Sun, 02 Oct 2011 21:24:04 +0000 Rogertrout 88562@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Michael Gove has shown his enthusiasm for the teaching of languages by promoting the teaching of english as a modern foreign language in selected primary schools.<br /> 'Some schools have pupils who know that their teachers are talking a kind of sense, but not anything like the sense they hear at home. Let's teach these pupils good english first and move on to the more traditional French or Welsh when they have a firm grasp of the the basics. Otherwise they'll never have the chance to enjoy Shakespeare, Milton or the Bible, let alone Sartre or the Mabinogion'. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29352#post-82361 Wed, 17 Aug 2011 19:27:36 +0000 Anon321 82361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thousands of prospective university students have experienced yet another examination gaffe after several examination boards failed to remember to send results to the schools. Following on from the various impossible questions set in many papers over the summer, the accidental release of results to students taking the Scottish Higher Course and Edexcel releasing results over the weekend, we are now seeing what is widely regarded as the biggest mistake of all.</p> <p>However, for some unknown reason a higher proportion of public schools have been affected by this incident in comparison with the private schools. Michael Gove, the Education Secretary appeared shocked and defensive when questioned, but did release the following statement: “Obviously we regret what has happened, but see no need to jump to any wild conclusions”.</p> <p>In other news, the intake of students from an independent school background to the Conservative party is set to dramatically rise once more, reaching previously unprecedented levels. Senior MP's could offer no reason as to why this may be. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23077#post-62463 Sat, 26 Mar 2011 19:45:52 +0000 Mrblacker 62463@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A Secondary school headmaster says a classless society is not practical in today's education environment.</p> <p>St Margaret's in Maidstone was the England lead for the government's 'all-in-one' teaching approach, but the head teacher Michael Holly says it just doesn't work.</p> <p>"We have over 1100 pupils here and teaching them all a single subject in one area isn't a practical option. For instance, trying to teach the final year students English Literature while the junior years struggle with basic english, means no-one gets any kind of an education."</p> <p>"PE is even worse. Imagine trying to get over a thousand children through the showers after double games is not only a nightmare, but has led to our school facing multiple writs for sexual harassment and assault. And only a handful of those are against the games teachers themselves, and while that might sound like an advance over mainstream educational practice, it's not good enough."</p> <p>A spokesman for the Department of Education said the Government was aware of Mr Holly's thoughts on the topic and that the Secretary of State would be seeking clarification of the teacher's comments as soon as possible.</p> <p>However, it's understood the Michael Gove is privately furious with the teacher and the school, especially after the pilot project allowed Kent County Council to lease most of the empty former classrooms out to small businesses as workshops, netting the council over a quarter of a million pounds in extra income per month. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8779#post-23548 Tue, 20 Jul 2010 08:41:09 +0000 Gary Stanton 23548@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Under-fire Education Secretary, Michael Gove, last night reassured children in Britain’s crumbling schools that the asbestos they like to play with during break-time won’t kill them unless they inhale bloody great lungfuls of it. </p> <p>Conceding that the money intended for school repairs had been pissed up the wall by bankers, he pledged to educate children to the many other hazards present in the nation’s schools rather than remove them. These include things like exposed overhead wiring, the stuff that sticks out of walls which looks like candy floss but tastes much worse and geography teachers who ask you to stay behind after school and tell them about the problems you’ve been experiencing at home. </p> <p>Gove took pains to point out that not all types of asbestos are dangerous and that the really firm stuff makes excellent goalposts or heat-resistant skateboards, ideally suited for hot summers, such as those rarely experienced in Britain. </p> <p>‘It’s only really the powdery stuff you need to watch out for’, Gove told children at the semi-derelict Bebington High School on the Wirral, ‘and if you do inhale it, the worst effects can be overcome by going for a jog along the beach, repeated coughing fits, or in rare cases six months on a ventilator in an NHS hospital. ‘</p> <p>‘Job’s a good ‘un.‘</p> <p>And Gove promised that all children would receive a basic grounding in First Aid including how to place a child in the recovery position after it has been hit by falling masonry, how to remove interior wall cladding from the oesophagus of an inquisitive eight year-old and what steps to take on discovering that the entire year ten is located in a difficult to get at position under a collapsed roof, after someone went up to retrieve a ball. </p> <p>‘And can I just say, and please stop sniggering at the back, that running really fast down a corridor into which the doors open outwards is extremely foolish and will be punishable by detention, ‘ said Gove .</p> <p>‘And that includes you Tomkinson!’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22601 Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:48:52 +0000 rikkor 22601@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My tags are inspired. Their haiku or twitter-like brevity gets my creative juices flowing. PHWOAR! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22600 Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:43:26 +0000 rikkor 22600@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Blacker, I witness your request to Jehovah. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22581 Mon, 12 Jul 2010 21:31:20 +0000 Mrblacker 22581@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You are Jehovah and I claim my free pass to heaven </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22399 Sun, 11 Jul 2010 15:41:53 +0000 Skylarking 22399@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>True story: There was actually a church in Liverpool who invited their Bishop to a special yoof event. After a delicious bbbq, young people could ask his Rt Reverendness whatever difficult questions they wanted. And the church called the event (in all innnocence one must assume) "Bash the Bishop". FACT. I have witnesses... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22398 Sun, 11 Jul 2010 15:40:02 +0000 rikkor 22398@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Edward, I believe that I saw the movie adaptation of your youthful escapades. It was called "Take Me Up The Severn", I believe. The priest was played by Orson Welles. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22397 Sun, 11 Jul 2010 15:38:03 +0000 ramblesnake 22397@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Being a strict Roman Baptist I'm not too bothered about the C of E but are you doing Islam next week?</p> <p>Mr H I've been pretty sure for a long time you were originally red indian-ooops, native american. Thanks for the confirmatiion. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22389 Sun, 11 Jul 2010 13:43:27 +0000 Scroat 22389@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bishoptwat? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22367 Sun, 11 Jul 2010 09:03:14 +0000 Scroat 22367@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'll second that Mr Hack. A fitting tribute indeed. He must be sadly missed. </p> <p>Getting back to my initial suggestion, all I said was that I thought it a bit weird. I'm not doing a Dawkins and advocating that the clergy be put up against a wall and shot. It's just that I don't understand their stance on this issue.</p> <p>Heard one such prelate on the radio yesterday saying they're not being sexist or mysogenistic. They are opposed to women bishops because so many of the churchgoing population won't recognise their validity of bishops. Or something.</p> <p>Does bring a whole new meaning to the Bishopric though. Bishopfanny has a certain ring to it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22360 Sun, 11 Jul 2010 08:03:55 +0000 Skylarking 22360@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>RIP Ibid</p> <p>Thanks for sharing, Edward - especially on a site more used to mocking people's ridiculousness etc. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22333 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 20:09:43 +0000 sauce 22333@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>He sounds like a wonderful person, Ed. RIP indeed. xx</p> <p>Sorry Stunts, I wasn't having a dig at GPs. I think our doctors are fabulous and have to work bloody hard (and spend years training) for what they earn. But they probably don't want to add a huge pile of paperwork and pen-(mouse-)pushing to the equation. If they're anything like teachers (of whom I know a number) they want to actually do their job not fill in bloody forms. </p> <p>No easy ways to deal with savings - whatever happens, however careful, some are going to affect care, treatment, access and waiting list times.</p> <p>PS Feeling much better already </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22325 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 18:22:25 +0000 edward hack 22325@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My first partner was a Roman Catholic priest...I shared his bed for 11 years (1988-1999)...he loved God, hated religion. Hated religious sychophants even more....was of the opinion religion was such a personal affair it should and could never be shared with others.<br /> We lived in an old wooden shack on the banks of the river Severn in Shropshire, he had a small chapel in the garden (a rickety old shed)<br /> No bells, no smells.<br /> Best years of my life and not once did he ever raise the subject of religion unless I (usually pissed) asked for it.<br /> Religion for him was with his Lord which he honoured at home, in his own time.<br /> He was not considered suitable material to run a parish because of his (bohemian) beliefs and outwardly gay attitude.<br /> I found out when he died he had been a priest at Woormwood Scrubs for a while.<br /> RIP that man.<br /> Nuff said</p> <p>I never doubted them for a second<br /> <a href="http://s681.photobucket.com/albums/vv171/edwardhack/?action=view&amp;current=hot-fuzz.jpg"><img src="http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv171/edwardhack/th_hot-fuzz.jpg"></a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210&page=2#post-22324 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 18:18:42 +0000 allmyownstunts 22324@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Get well soon, Sauce. Sounds like you've had a horrendous time.</p> <p>Most GPs earn a vast amount less than the figures quoted in the media. Those that do earn more than six figures (in Scotland at least) are in remote and rural areas and pay their staff out of their salaries as well as handling a 365 days a year on-call commitment.</p> <p>GPs did get a huge and badly-needed improvement to their contracts a few years back, which is costing the NHS a lot to service. But their workloads increased vastly (I harldy ever see my husband these days which is quite possibly why I am on NB so much) and now we are all cowering under the government-led media backlash implying that GPs are all fat lazy overpaid bastards, in order that their contracts can be whittled away in the months to come, with no public outcry.</p> <p>Thanks for the oppotrunity to give everyone a giggle! xx </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210#post-22317 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 14:40:52 +0000 sauce 22317@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd like to nominate whichever bastard child/children gave my the horrendous sicky bug from which I am just crawling from my sickbed after 36 hours of misery. </p> <p>Thanks, Scroaty, for your perceptive guess at my main shaft for the week. Though, through my fevered retchings (I do hope no one is late lunching?) I seemed to hear that GPs are now to have all their own buying beaurocracy. So how much does a fully trained GP earn? And how much time are they going to be spending on their "shopping"? </p> <p>Fascinating debate, Skylarking and co. I quite agree about intollerance of intollerance. I'm quite intollerant of superstious mumbojumbo - hence my dislike of Gove. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210#post-22315 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 14:11:48 +0000 thisisall1word 22315@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In this day and age it's just simply wrong for the church to hide behind arcane scripture - surely we need a level playing field. I suggest that both men and women are banned from being bishops and only hermaphrodites or sexless animals should be allowed to be ordained. I think I'd draw the line at plants though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210#post-22314 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 13:57:33 +0000 FormerlyAlOPecia 22314@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>That's what my priest told me to say................. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210#post-22301 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 12:50:34 +0000 The All New Jeni B 22301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Soooooo Al, you "like" the Holy Knob of Guidance do you...? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210#post-22288 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 11:53:29 +0000 FormerlyAlOPecia 22288@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hmmmm.....The Holy Knob of Guidance, I like it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210#post-22286 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 11:48:40 +0000 rickwestwell 22286@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>And I agree SL that one shouldn't demonise those with outdated views, but it would help their cause tremendously if they could come up with a better argument than 'well, they just shouldn't...'.</blockquote></p> <p>Mary, Mary - it's very simple. It's all about willies. Please see my latest soon-to-be-FP sub for further clarification, but basically, how can you possibly consider providing a spiritual direction without a mighty purple bell-end to point the way? It's obvious. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210#post-22285 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 11:46:07 +0000 wallster 22285@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can I please nominate a person what I knows, who has just changed her facebook status to (and I quote) 'chillaxin.com'</p> <p>Need I say more? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8210#post-22281 Sat, 10 Jul 2010 11:41:29 +0000 Skylarking 22281@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"the minute you point out that their views are outdated, ridiculous and unsupported by fact, then they shout that they are being demonised, and in some cases threaten to kill you."</p> <p>Well, if you put your views like that to them I kinda see why... </p>