http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=gordon-ramsay The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 20 Jun 2013 04:19:16 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45173#post-129457 Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:41:40 +0000 Mr Target 129457@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Back up your brain. </p> <p>But not now. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45173#post-129333 Tue, 10 Jul 2012 08:20:09 +0000 Reg Herring 129333@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The most significant development in the history of feeding the world was announced today.</p> <p>Using recently-discovered secret Nazi technology, itself gleaned from an alien flying saucer which crashed into Hitler’s bunker during World War 2, scientists are now able to clone literally anything on a mass-production basis in seconds. The new machines are said to be much more advanced than old-fashioned Dolly The Sheep-style genetic cloning.</p> <p>Project leader Dr Reinhard Mandela-Mengele said: “Our first priority is to feed the world with a plentiful supply of good food and research shows the most nutritious thing on the planet is Jamie Oliver.”</p> <p>In an incredible move, and with his full agreement, plans are afoot to clone Jamie Oliver and turn him into pies, using his skin as the crust. For security reasons, the new devices have been programmed so only Jamie can be cloned at present. </p> <p>A beaming Jamie is said to be “over the moon” and thinks the idea is “well good”: “This pie idea is pukka” he said in his charming mockney accent “at last we can feed all fat Americans some decent grub, nice one.”</p> <p>Feeding greedy flabby Yanks is only the beginning; new units are being developed for the African market, solar-powered and with wind-up handles. With an endless supply of Jamie Oliver clone pies on tap it is predicted Africa’s population will overtake China’s within 10 years – good news for the UK’s car and arms industries.</p> <p>Enigmatic art collector Charles Saatchi gushed: “I’ve already ordered one of those pies for £10 million, it will look superb in my gallery – much better than that can of Manzoni artist’s s**t loser Serota bought.”</p> <p>Gordon Ramsay said: “Look, I’m not your f*****g mate, so f**k off! Yeah? Who gives a s**t about this f*****g stupid made up story, you c**t!” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-122496 Sat, 12 May 2012 22:39:07 +0000 MADJEZ 122496@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>Can I point out that "Sex Gang Restaurant" is a great name for a band?<br /> </blockquote></p> <p>Er.... 'Sex Gang Children' was an 80s goth band if that helps... or am I showing my age. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-122469 Sat, 12 May 2012 11:08:16 +0000 thisisall1word 122469@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bravo Sir. Really very very funny. And don't call me chief but, yes, I would like chilli sauce with that. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-122464 Sat, 12 May 2012 10:34:09 +0000 JohnA 122464@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I, on behalf of the Newsbiscuit editors, would like to apologize to all Muslim readers offended by this article and would like to give a hand of friendship - which previously belonged to Gary Stanton. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-122023 Thu, 10 May 2012 11:14:22 +0000 rickwestwell 122023@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can I point out that "Sex Gang Restaurant" is a great name for a band? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121997 Thu, 10 May 2012 10:43:26 +0000 rickwestwell 121997@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like your style, Stanton. You know they can't use this here, but that doesn't stop you. :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121927 Wed, 09 May 2012 22:22:01 +0000 The All New Jeni B 121927@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Turn it into an opinion piece by Samantha Brick about how she's so attractive a sex-ring have never had to drug her into having sex.<br /> Or how this is the sort of thing that happens all the time to pretty people like her and how less attractive women don't understand. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121918 Wed, 09 May 2012 21:02:20 +0000 nickb 121918@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>eat your heart out Frankie Boyle. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121909 Wed, 09 May 2012 18:45:32 +0000 A Wagonload Of Monkeys 121909@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What's the world coming to if you can't poke fun at Gordon Ramsey. That is why this cant be used right?</p> <p>Very good, I liked the line about customers taking their complaints direct to the police </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121900 Wed, 09 May 2012 14:51:35 +0000 JohnA 121900@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Unfortunately not going to be mentioned again. Even if it is a) funny b) satirical and c) close to the bone. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121893 Wed, 09 May 2012 13:41:22 +0000 medici2471 121893@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice piece </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121870 Wed, 09 May 2012 11:50:53 +0000 Textbook 121870@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Possibly best example I've seen of a great sub that will never be used. Pity. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121864 Wed, 09 May 2012 11:26:49 +0000 editor 121864@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Well nicely written, but alas I think this news story has a large sign around it saying 'Comedy Writers; Do Not Enter' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121861 Wed, 09 May 2012 11:24:05 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 121861@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can't beat a good taboo store have some stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42639#post-121857 Wed, 09 May 2012 11:11:04 +0000 Gary Stanton 121857@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An Asian takeaway restaurant that was repeatedly failing its customers by plying them with alcohol and having sex with them has won its first Michelin star thanks to a strictly hands-on approach by award-winning chef Gordon Ramsay.</p> <p>In perhaps what has been his toughest challenge yet, the foul-mouthed Hell’s Kitchen star took on demoralised staff and a ‘culture of predatory paedophilia’ and ushered in a new whole new era in takeaway dining. When Ramsay took over, Chunky Al’s "Easy Meat" Chicken Restaurant was losing customers at an alarming rate or farming them out to an expanding sex ring. But the sweary Scot quickly identified the problem as ‘wayward’ Head Chef Kabeer Hassan, a hugely talented cook and serial offender who had simply lost his way. </p> <p>Prior to Ramsay’s involvement, Easy Meat had been failing to inform its mainly teenage customers of healthy alternatives such as processed cheese and wholemeal baps, and often alienated its regular clientelle by charging ten pence for those little sachets of barbecue sauce. </p> <p>‘Easy Meat was a restaurant that was haemorrhaging money for fuck’s sake’, said Ramsay, 42. ‘By plying his guests with free alcohol, Kabeer was missing out on a significant mark-up. That’s no way to run a fucking business.’ </p> <p>‘When customers are going directly to the police with their complaints, you need to ask yourself what’s going wrong - how can I fix it? ‘ </p> <p>‘With the Head Chef, Front of House and six of the backroom staff now in prison, I’ve been able to bring in my own people and have make radical alterations to the menu.’ </p> <p>‘This was a place where people were afraid to come and eat. Now the customers are flooding back, safe in the knowledge that the taxi they ordered to take them home won’t drop them off at several different addresses. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30970#post-87271 Sun, 25 Sep 2011 13:39:30 +0000 John Ffitch-Rucker 87271@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If only it were true. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=30970#post-87269 Sun, 25 Sep 2011 13:33:55 +0000 Mrblacker 87269@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A major police search is underway in New York, after celebrity swearer and sometime chef Gordon Ramsay disappeared during the filming of his hit show Kitchen Nightmares.</p> <p>Ramsay, 44, had just wrapped the day's shooting at his latest project 'Vito's Legitimate Family Restaurant' and was expected at his hotel for a crew meal, but failed to arrive.</p> <p>"We're worried for Gordon, because this is unlike him except when he's out shagging." a spokesman for his production company said. "Because he's been over-using Little Gordon, he's not out on the pull at the moment, so for him to suddenly go awol is worrying."</p> <p>Vito Tordolli, the owner of the restaurant said he was surprised as well. </p> <p>"We'd just done the day's filming and this wise guy had attacked everything we do. However, we took it in good grace and were as surprised as anyone to hear that he's apparently in the wind. It's not like he's not known; his face is everywhere, so it'd be hard for him to to be made somwehere if he's trying to get away from things."</p> <p>"All I know is that the last I saw of him was when he got into a car with a couple of people who looked like they were with his crew and they drove off towards Bath Beach. He did look whacked and I'd hate to think that something nasty's happened to him."</p> <p>A Spokesman for the New York Police department confirmed they've launched an inquiry. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21450#post-57946 Fri, 18 Feb 2011 12:40:09 +0000 Grover 57946@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Responding to accusations of "dumbing down" the Masterchef format, the BBC has announced Michelin-starred celebrity chef and world-renowned cunt Gordon Ramsay is to present and judge the forthcoming series of the renowned culinary reality show Celebrity Bastard Chef.</p> <p>Mark Thompson, Director-General of the BBC, said "Gordon Ramsay is a national treasure. We want to ensure that his legacy of culinary perfection and quasi-fascist aggression continues in the current generation of talented young chefs."</p> <p>Contestants who aspire to make it to the programme must pass rigorous swearing and temper tantrum tests to prove they scream like spoiled toddlers while swearing like characters from an Irvine Welsh novel.</p> <p>"Many sequences in Bastard Chef will no doubt be familiar to dedicated Masterchef viewers," says Ramsay, who has three Michelin stars and an unpredictable temper which would make Satan himself quake with fear. "For example, early on contestants have to undergo a Skills Test. However, instead of, say, filleting a John Dory, Bastard Chef contestants will get their sous-chef to fillet it, and then scream at them before, during, and after the filleting, whether the sous-chef did a good job or not."</p> <p>I dislike that so much I want you to eat it</p> <p>In addition, Monica Galetti will reprise her role from Masterchef: The Professionals and administer the Skills Test.</p> <p>"I want to see the chefs using their creativity to insult and bully their sous-chefs," said Ms Galetti. "I want to see real tears streaming down the sous-chefs' faces. Basically, contestants will have ten minutes to get the sous-chefs to resign or attempt suicide. If they can't do that, they don't have what it takes to be a true Bastard Chef."</p> <p>"And I should know," added Ms Galetti. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15720#post-42817 Sat, 13 Nov 2010 15:48:05 +0000 Grover 42817@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://scienceblogs.com/aardvarchaeology/upload/2010/08/gordon_ramsays_predecessor_sac/gordon_ramsay-747731.jpg"><br /> <font size="-1">I'm not your fucking mate!</font></p> <p>Michelin-starred celebrity chef and world-renowned cunt Gordon Ramsay is to present and judge the BBC's new culinary reality show <em>Celebrity Bastard Chef</em>, it has been announced. </p> <p>Mark Thompson, Director-General of the BBC, said "Gordon Ramsay is a national treasure. We want to ensure that his legacy of culinary perfection and quasi-fascist aggression continues in the current generation of talented young chefs."</p> <p>Contestants who aspire to make it to the programme must pass rigorous swearing and temper tantrum tests to prove they scream like spoiled toddlers while swearing like characters from an Irvine Welsh novel. </p> <p>"Many sequences in <em>Bastard Chef</em> will no doubt be familiar to dedicated <em>Masterchef</em> viewers," says Ramsay, who has three Michelin stars and an unpredictable temper which would make Satan himself quake with fear. "For example, early on contestants have to undergo a Skills Test. However, instead of, say, filleting a John Dory, <em>Bastard Chef</em> contestants will get their sous-chef to fillet it, and then scream at them before, during, and after the filleting, whether the sous-chef did a good job or not."</p> <p><img src="http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/sep2009/5/7/monica-galetti-pic-dm-306688074.jpg"><br /> <font size="-1">I dislike that so much I want <em>you</em> to eat it</font></p> <p>In addition, Monica Galetti will reprise her role from <em>Masterchef: The Professionals</em> and administer the Skills Test.</p> <p>"I want to see the chefs using their creativity to insult and bully their sous-chefs," said Ms Galetti. "I want to see real tears streaming down the sous-chefs' faces. Basically, contestants will have ten minutes to get the sous-chefs to resign or attempt suicide. If they can't do that, they don't have what it takes to be a true Bastard Chef."</p> <p>"And I should know," added Ms Galetti. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2334#post-6900 Sun, 11 Apr 2010 06:52:18 +0000 BigBish 6900@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Gordon Ramsay was left red-faced during production of the latest series of Kitchen Nightmares. A recently fired researcher thought they had struck gold on hearing of a formerly popular little place in a trendy area that the owner had neglected whilst jetting off around the world, appearing on mundane talkshows and pretending to fish. One staff member went on to elaborate [/quote]it was weird, we'd only just opened up for the day and in walks Gordon with a massive camera crew explaining how he only had five days to get this place out of the shit. It was only when he insisted being taken to a back room so he could do that thing where he talks to the camera showing off his chest that he realised where he was[quote] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1190#post-3312 Sun, 21 Mar 2010 10:26:30 +0000 edward hack 3312@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one Stanley: how about intoducing some larvea bread with their grub </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1190#post-3199 Sat, 20 Mar 2010 09:34:32 +0000 theumpire 3199@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stan,</p> <p>Could there be an endorsement from John Prescott? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1190#post-3079 Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:32:01 +0000 Stan Laurel 3079@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks JS. Just wondering if the "Fresh Road Kill platter selection" could be altered to read "<strong>splatter</strong> collection". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1190#post-3068 Fri, 19 Mar 2010 10:42:42 +0000 John Square 3068@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great Ramsay quote. </p> <p>The rest also suffers from excessive levels of genius. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1190#post-3064 Fri, 19 Mar 2010 10:32:28 +0000 Stan Laurel 3064@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Controversial chef, Gordon Ramsay, has launched a new bargain food range aimed unashamedly at the underprivileged classes or the target audience of “Beaten up old Nissan Man” coined by advertisers. </p> <p>The foul mouthed chef said last night. “I want to speak directly to the common man in language that they will understand no matter how fucking thick they are. We want to deliver good basic grub to these people and take their benefit cheques off them. Simple.”</p> <p>Ramsay’s new range has been achieved by re-creating a number of classic recipes in easy to use packaging. “It wasn’t easy” he said talking about the his new tinned ‘Fucking good beans on toast’ “getting toast into a tin is no cake walk. Talk about fucking kitchen nightmares.” </p> <p>A spokesman for Ramsay Foods defended the product as being “on the right side of abusive”. He said “We have carefully softened Gordon’s initial suggestions” and pointed out that the slogan “It’s fucking good so buy it” had been modified by removing the original words “you bastard” from the end.</p> <p>Ramsay’s move follows a recent trend from food retailers to adjust their ranges to appeal more to the great unwashed. The new 'Roadside Caravan Cafe' culinary range from Waitrose has been selling well, whilst Marks &amp; Spencer’s ‘Fresh Road Kill’ platter selection endorsed by Jeremy Clarkson has become an overnight sensation. </p>