http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=god The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 03:55:31 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165084 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 21:19:07 +0000 Squudge 165084@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Get the admin to 'out' the crapper - there have been too many troll tags lately </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165070 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 20:32:04 +0000 Yikes 165070@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think this is a great idea and wonder if the headline could more obviously reference the Rennard affair - ie something like "God only aware of non-specific allegations against humanity".</p> <p>And then some introductory bit about God being aware of the odd war, financial meltdown, and that the Jews might have had the odd difficulty here and there, but it is not like he is peering into everyone's bedroom like some omniscient pervert.</p> <p>He relies on his staff to monitor the nitty gritty stuff and bring him updates, like for example Cardinal misconduct, the Pope's resignation, and the latest score from the Liverpool match ... and then back into your blame game between the Trinity ...</p> <p>Just some thoughts .. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165054 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 17:35:05 +0000 Perks 165054@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I would ignore the tag. If its anonymous then it's not really a valid opinion. </p> <p> I like it, and thanks for the generous hat tip! Agree with Blair (well not with Blair more about the swap). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165053 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 17:03:27 +0000 Sinnick 165053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes, Tony Blair would have been better - it brings the reader back to the political thread, which I only hinted at. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165050 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 16:56:00 +0000 Bob 165050@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yeah maybe swap Allah for Tony Blair :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-165048 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 16:43:58 +0000 Sinnick 165048@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the "crap" tag, whoever it was.</p> <p>I don't try for a full article very often because I know I struggle to get the structure right. I'm far better at non-creative writing. I'd much prefer to put some effort into something half-decent than present some of the poorly thought-out nonsense that often appears here.</p> <p>In this case, I think the idea is Ok, but I know it lacks something in the presentation. Because it needs to be topical, I subbed it anyway, knowing that the good-humoured folk around here would chip in with honest &amp; constructive thoughts. That's what's intended for this website.</p> <p>So, in the spirit of this place, if you don't like something and can't be bothered to be honest or constructive, just crawl back to YouTube where your witty repartee will be better appreciated. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-164985 Tue, 26 Feb 2013 08:31:12 +0000 Squudge 164985@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely, except the headline (I'd have read it sooner otherwise).</p> <p>Has God now admitted that he was aware of indirect and non-specific complaints?<br /> A nice quote might be (petulantly) "it's always easier with the benefit of 20:20 hindsight"</p> <p>Is the Holy Trinity some sort of ecumenical Coalition, or a family business struggling in the current credibility crunch? </p> <p>I'd leave Allah out of this as you are probably in enough trouble. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56946#post-164932 Mon, 25 Feb 2013 23:06:50 +0000 Sinnick 164932@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following several years of allegations and rumours in the Christian Times and Jewish Chronicle, God and his two assistants have finally admitted that they have got it wrong.</p> <p>This follows recent revelations in the popular press, where several Roman Catholic priests have been reported to be misusing their episcopal rings.</p> <p>In addition, the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict XVI has prompted further interest in his past record as a member of Hitler Youth, tolerance of paedophiles and intolerance of just about everything else; indeed, this has prompted a Mass debate in certain circles.</p> <p>God said he hadn't been aware of "certain goings on", but as CEO had expected his staff to report back to him. The Holy Spirit dismissed this since it was his job just to serve the wine. Jesus has also denied responsibility, reminding God that He's the Omniscient Being and really should have known what was happening.</p> <p>It is rumoured that God was considering standing down. Allah is said to be interested in the role.</p> <p>[hat-tip to Perks] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56294#post-162513 Wed, 13 Feb 2013 15:24:13 +0000 Mr McDonald 162513@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>God dealt out some home-truths on Tuesday night, following his thunderous statement of intent - striking The Vatican with a lightning bolt. Oprah Winfrey was joined by the deity for a 30-minute special interview to be aired at the weekend, and hell, it was quite a sermon!</p> <p>Asked whether the bolt was from the blue or Himself, God apotheosised, “You’re bloody right it was me. He thinks he can just fucking resign? First of all, I never said anything to anyone about having a Pope, but if you’re going to have one, don’t just cop out. Second, they’ve been doing a pretty crap job anyway – the dickheads have risen to the top of the world, while the meek and mild, like Martine McCutcheon, are living on scraps. Something had to be done, for fuck’s sake,” He tailed off.</p> <p><strong>Radiant</strong></p> <p>Sources say there was a tense atmosphere during recording, with one runner reportedly shitting himself. Oprah wore a royal blue, satin dress-thing with a big bow made from ribbon on it and looked simply radiant. Remaining composed throughout, Oprah allowed God to get things off his chest, and asked if he had any other plans before alighting the night-train to the great beyond.</p> <p>“I’ve a few things to tidy up, yeah. But it’s not like I can just perform a miracle here, sprinkle some fairy dust there. It’s much more complicated than that. I’ve got a massive admin team up there, working around the clock to make sure things get done, but it’s hard with so many people to judge.” Turning to the camera, He exclaimed, “Guys! Wear a glove! Fuck’s sake.” </p> <p><strong>Compassionate</strong></p> <p>But what of his business with The Vatican and outgoing Pope? “I think the lightning thing will cause enough squeaky bums for the time being,” He smiled, revealing His compassionate side for the first time.</p> <p>The interview segued from nuclear apocalypse to desert island discs. <em>The Electric Light Orchestra</em> – “Even I was surprised by that,” <em>Waka Jawaka</em> by Frank Zappa – “I still listen to that and think, ‘what the fuck is he on about?!’” and <em>Gabrielle</em> - “Beautiful voice. Classic. End of.” But while Oprah and Big G contemplated the trivialities of modern life, a more sinister side to everlasting life was unfurling.</p> <p><strong>Human Rights</strong></p> <p>Sources close to E! News say all is not well upstairs, and the corridors of power are now more the corridors of uncertainty. Speaking to our man on the inside, an admin worker who spoke on condition of anonymity said, “It was better working for Royal Mail in the 90s. I’ve got paper coming out of my arse, millions of unread emails and a supervisor on my case about shit that, frankly, I couldn’t care less about.”</p> <p>Unions are currently locked in talks with some celestial bigwigs over possible strike action against long working hours and low pay, and there’s even of taking God to the European Court of Justice over a breach of the Working Time Directive. A spokesman said they couldn’t comment while talks were ongoing: “I couldn’t comment while talks are ongoing. Thank you.” Thank you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152907 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:48:50 +0000 beau-jolly 152907@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>makes a living off of</blockquote><br /> "Makes a living out of", or better still "makes a living from..." I stopped reading after that. Did I miss anything?<br /> Good advice above. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152845 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 08:44:42 +0000 dvo4fun 152845@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Feedback: </p> <p>i) Read some of the current &amp; archived Front page stories to get a better idea of the house style. </p> <p>ii) Read the guidance notes which are somewhere up above even if I type.</p> <p>iii) If departing significantly from above it will need to be very funny</p> <p>iv) Enjoy</p> <p>Departure from both </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152820 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 03:32:20 +0000 leszkowiczc05 152820@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>-i already attend my local conspiracies anonymous meetings<br /> - "My Dog Kony" starring that one alcoholic child actor<br /> -i am one of the Anon mentalists. fear me.<br /> -point number 3 is false. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152804 Mon, 10 Dec 2012 21:51:02 +0000 Dick Everyman 152804@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>Where will you be when America kills the Anti-Christ?</strong></p> <p>Alton Towers? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152791 Mon, 10 Dec 2012 21:03:07 +0000 Bourbon 152791@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A dog called Kony presented Blue Peter </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152790 Mon, 10 Dec 2012 21:01:18 +0000 waylandsmithy 152790@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm lost. Is Kony a dog toy?</p> <p>It certainly comes across as a bit rabid.</p> <p>Mind you, if you're actually one of the mentalists from Anonymous and this gets loads of hits, I'll piss myself if it wins WoM. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152787 Mon, 10 Dec 2012 20:55:34 +0000 Bourbon 152787@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>When you hear the word anonymous, what comes to mind?</blockquote></p> <p>Um... Alcoholics</p> <p><blockquote> If you guessed “some guy with no life who makes a living off of terrorizing our super efficient government of the people” then you chose correctly.</blockquote></p> <p>Fuck, I've never been good at pub quizzes </p> <p>Don't let the lack of comedy in your writing be a deterrent. Many regular contributors leave me looking forward to the morning spam. I get early every morning to read it. Cheaper that buying a paper </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152773 Mon, 10 Dec 2012 10:11:02 +0000 Tripod 152773@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>feedback would be appreciated.</blockquote></p> <p>Erm, this is a <em>comedy</em> site. The conspiracy theorists' meeting is over there, by the docks. Knock three times and mention my name... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152757 Mon, 10 Dec 2012 03:18:38 +0000 leszkowiczc05 152757@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>first post :D, and this also ended up being a tad longer than i was planning. feedback would be appreciated. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53037#post-152756 Mon, 10 Dec 2012 03:17:34 +0000 leszkowiczc05 152756@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>When you hear the word anonymous, what comes to mind? Some guy with no life who makes a living off of terrorizing our super efficient government of the people, some human being thing that wrote some obnoxiously stereo-typical poetic sentence and is thereby referred to as anonymous, or a dog without a collar? If you guessed “some guy with no life who makes a living off of terrorizing our super efficient government of the people” then you chose correctly.</p> <p> Since the end of The War on Scientology, the terrorist organization known as “Anonymous” has grown both in number and popularity, mainly due to the advent of the internet. You may have heard of them more recently due to their involvement in numerous attacks on government websites over the arrest of the man simply known as “that one guy who made MegaUpload“. So the real question lies within the bigger question, and that question being, Is Anonymous really doing anything positive for anybody? Or is it just ruining the lives of millions and their internet browsing experience? Obviously, the answer is that Anonymous is killing god. </p> <p> Historian, Any Mimis, PhD. says that “ in my opinion, the group called Anonymous is the single most dangerous organization since The Third Reich, and that’s a fact” he proves his point by noting the evolution of the group from internet trolls, to political activists, to a full fledged internet based revolutionary movement. </p> <p> He points out that when Mega Upload was taken down last year, anonymous launched a series of retaliatory attacks against our government, mainly the Department of Justice. Mega upload was a criminal site used for stealing almost every kind of digital content you could think of. Why would they stand up for a criminal mastermind? Because they are like batman, but for bad guys. What kind of so called group of “freedom fighters” attacks their government for arresting a criminal? A group of criminals do. </p> <p> Earlier in Anonymous’ near totalitarian rule of the internet, they became famous for their “War on Scientology”. That’s right, Anonymous hates Xenu, the fictional character created by L. Ron Hubbard. “The only reason anyone would want to defile the legendary works of a brilliant story teller, is because they simply hate everything, Anon hates me, they hate you, and they hate kittens.” claimed Ms. Mimis. Obviously, based on these clearly accurate facts, and the always true word of a historian, Anonymous is an organization built on hatred, and a love for that hatred. </p> <p> Early on in 2007, Fox News declared that the group in question is an “Internet hate machine”. Its easy to see that Anon was never a group of people fighting for the freedom of others. It is a raging hate machine that lives and breathes to terrorize the weak children of Mother Earth. Since 2007, the group became more violent online and that is evident in their repeated attempts to cripple the United States Government (the perfect government which could be even better with more republicans). </p> <p> But alas! We have a light in the darkness, our government is fighting back and doing so with the full might of the Environmental Protection Agency. When we interviewed the current head of the EPA, Lisa P. Jackson, we learned that the plan of attack was to “ just turn off the internet forever. These terrorists organize themselves using it, and are based in the realm of the world wide web. Plus all of the electricity that we use to connect to it [the internet] is super duper bad for the environment” she said. And although the environment is less important than making sure the “online terrorism” fad dies out, the EPA is still killing two birds with one rock. By turning off the internet, Americans will save millions of dollars per year on electricity, Anonymous will die out, and we can all return to our normal, non-wartime-on-the-internet lives. It sure sounds like a win/win scenario. </p> <p> Anonymous has been proven over and over again to be the worst obstacle that society has ever had to hurdle, and while they are like a demonic combination of Joseph Kony and President Obama, their reign of terror is coming to an end. The world will be the peaceful, rage-free, pollution filled, palace of glutton that we all know and love once again. Order will be restored to the universe. And Mitt Romney will be elected in 2016. The dawn of the Anonymous-free world is upon us. </p> <p>Where will you be when America kills the Anti-Christ? </p> <p>-Author anonymous</p> <p>*for more unbiased information and further reading on Anonymous, visit foxnews.com* </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43289#post-123888 Thu, 24 May 2012 05:38:59 +0000 arthurminnit 123888@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>In next week’s Piers Morgan show with Paul McCartney, he reveals that he was a frog in a previous life, which explained his marriage to fellow hopper, Heather Mills.</blockquote> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=43289#post-123863 Wed, 23 May 2012 20:19:37 +0000 Mark Gregory 123863@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tony Blair, speaking today, spoke about his recent conversion to Roman Catholicism and his strong belief in God: he also said that he had a strong belief in himself. </p> <p>Some media commentators interpreted this statement, during an interview on the Piers Morgan’s Life Stories television programme, as Blair stating that he is God. </p> <p>The broadcast brought an immediate reaction in the United States, where several southern states hosted mass burnings of his autobiography. </p> <p>Meanwhile, a number of other states established The Church of Tony Blair and built places of worship to him. </p> <p>During the interview, Morgan pressed him on his political career, during which the former prime minister described his former spin doctor Alastair Campbell as ‘the archangel Gabriel’ and his deputy prime minister John Prescott as ‘the devil incarnate’. </p> <p>The former head of state also spoke of his love of pop music, joking that ‘New Labour, in their heyday, were bigger than the Beatles’. </p> <p>This comment brought instant reaction from John Lennon fans in New York, who burned photographs of Blair at the Lennon memorial statue in Central Park. </p> <p>In next week’s Piers Morgan show with Paul McCartney, he reveals that he was a frog in a previous life, inspiring his number one Frog Chorus record. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40330#post-114806 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:58:21 +0000 Son of Barnabas 114806@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bet you wouldn't dare to say this if it was a Muslim website </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40357#post-114796 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:21:31 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 114796@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hopefully he just turn the other cheek! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40357#post-114795 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:17:44 +0000 Golgo13 114795@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd be more worried about Romney suing... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40357#post-114794 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:13:44 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 114794@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks for the constructive critasism, first proper go at a story so duely noted.</p> <p>As for the Dawking/Dawkins issue, I dont suppose you would believe me if I said it was for litigation purposes would you? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40357#post-114788 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 11:52:03 +0000 waylandsmithy 114788@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's 'Dawkins'...</p> <p>Nice idea but rambles off at a tangent. I'd concentrate on the Mormon obsession with saving everyone, I really enjoyed the first two paras. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40357#post-114781 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 10:51:20 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 114781@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Accidently did a Putin and rigged my own vote there! Sorry </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40357#post-114779 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 10:50:05 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 114779@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a shock move today it was announced that well know celebrity atheist Richard Dawkins is set to convert and become a member of the Church of the Latter Day Saints (Mormon’s).</p> <p>The announcement came from well know tax avoider and part time presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Speaking from his Massachusetts hideaway on Martha’s Vineyard Mr Romney said “ I think deep down Richard has a sneaking admiration for god and all his achievements, so I have decided on his death to convert him to our faith, saving him from all that messy death bed recanting of sins stuff, everybody wins! “. Adding further justification to his act, Romney said “I knew Richard would be perfect for us when I saw footage of him on U Tube doing Crazy Horses by the Osmond’s on Karaoke at a mate’s retirement party”. The seventies family group are know also to be Mormon enthusiasts, although it is unknown if Mr Dawkins had performed any songs by the Utah Saints at the party in Buckinghamshire.</p> <p>Mr Romney finished off by saying “ I think it’s a big coup to get someone of Richard’s stature on board “ he then went on to reiterate that it in no way a publicity stunt to gain support from East Coast academics in forthcoming Ruplican primary elections.<br /> This is not the first time Mr Romney has courted controversy over the posthumous conversion issue. He has in the past converted his late father to the Mormon faith and unsuccessfully tried Satan where he was quoted as saying “ Old Nick was a bit miffed about the whole affair, he was worried that the conversion would put him at odds with his public persona as the Prince of Darkness”</p> <p>Mr Dawkins was unavailable for comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40330#post-114730 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 00:24:14 +0000 Matthuselah 114730@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>sorry! Still working out how to navigate and write on this forum! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40330#post-114725 Thu, 22 Mar 2012 23:38:17 +0000 Matthuselah 114725@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <br />