http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=george-osborne The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 07:19:15 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58998#post-171476 Tue, 02 Apr 2013 22:01:12 +0000 Alfred Noakes 171476@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Steven Jones, a London market trader has stated today that he could manage to live on an income of £10,000 a week, quite easily, if he had to. </p> <p>Mr Jones held a press conference today in which he said 'I realise that top politicians like Iain Duncan Smith and George Osborne have certain responsibilities. The public expects them to dress smartly, entertain foreign dignitaries and drive an expensive car. Also, maintaining a home in central London cannot be cheap by anyone's standards'. </p> <p>He continued 'In order to deliver the demands of public office, cabinet members have only a finite income and some would be tempted to get into debt. However, having learned to budget my £53 a week income frugally, I would avoid any temptation to run up arrears through booking foreign holidays and buying expensive computers and all that'. </p> <p>Critics of Mr Jones however responded harshly to his statement. The Daily Mail has set up a campaign to get him to see if he can actually survive on ten grand per week and an online readers petition backing the campaign has already reached a million signatures. </p> <p>David Cameron, speaking from his £4million mansion home commented 'Decent hard-working politicians like myself and George Osborne are the life blood of this country and this government supports upper class working families to try and better themselves and their families. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58623#post-170274 Wed, 27 Mar 2013 11:36:10 +0000 james_patching_1 170274@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>George Osborne was celebrating yesterday as figures were released showing a complete turnaround for the British economy thanks to international orders for British Easter eggs and related services going through the roof.</p> <p>"The level of demand for products and services in the British Easter Egg Industry is now so high we can more or less guarantee full employment for the next two years," said a jubiliant Osborne.</p> <p>The British Easter Egg concept, which involves taking a normal chocolate bar, packaging it up with a cheap, egg-shaped piece of chocolate and raising the price significantly, has become a huge hit throughout the world with orders coming in from throughout Europe, Asia, Africa and the Americas. Head Chocolatier of Swiss luxury chocolate maker Villtenstein und Boehms said that for years his highly trained team had tried to come up with the perfect chocolate blend for Easter by mixing together an array of cocoas, spices and flavours but ultimately, "just ramping up the price of people's favourite chocolate bar and selling it with a tacky chocolate egg seems to have done the trick."</p> <p>And it's not just the chocolate egg producers themselves who are making a profit as management consultants throughout the country have seen a sharp rise in demand for their services from producers abroad desperate to find a British Easter Egg concept of their own.</p> <p>David Phillips, Partner at Lloyds &amp; Smith (a consultancy), explained how his firm saw revenues increase dramatically thanks to a project developing a British Easter Egg concept for the producers of French chocolate bar "Zig-Zag", which brought in over £10,000 a day in consultant fees.</p> <p>"We headed over to Paris and spent two weeks sampling the best restaurants and staying in luxury five star hotels in order to get a feel for the place. After this research period we discovered that the French had an emotional attachment to the Zig-Zag bar that produced happy childhood memories of playing Pétanque and singing Frère Jacques so we put together a 100 slide Powerpoint presentation, which developed a brand new concept for them. Clearly I'm unable to go into too many details here but the idea basically involved them selling the Zig-Zag bar at an overinflated price along with a cheap cholocate egg."</p> <p>Despite the celebrations at Downing Street there was one black cloud on the horizon as the release of the positive figures came on the same day that celebrity chef Jamie Oliver announced his new campaign aiming to stop children from eating British Easter Eggs and invest the time in creating their own chocolate eggs using high-quality, fair-trade, organic ingredients.</p> <p>"The timing of the campaign launch titled 'Don't eat British Easter Eggs, they're crap!' was more than a little unfortunate," admitted Osborne. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55698#post-160944 Sun, 03 Feb 2013 10:22:10 +0000 Titus 160944@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like the idea, but the headline is better than the detailed story. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55698#post-160939 Sun, 03 Feb 2013 09:36:39 +0000 jenlon 160939@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The International Monetary Fund have announced that a new weekly lottery is to be created but only Countries can play. It is expected that the tickets will cost $175m dollars per week (Euro 128m) and the potential Jackpot could be as much as $15bn per week not including rollovers. The first draw is expected to be the first week in April.</p> <p>At present it is intended that only Ministers for Finances, Chancellors of the Exchequers and their equivalent may play on behalf of their country but already The IMF are being besieged by former despots, desperate billionaires, HSBC, the Russian Mafia and even Bernhard Madhoff into allowing them to partake.</p> <p>With such a small number of purchasers (there are only 197 countries in the world) the IMF have chosen a unique style of choosing the winner. Following the success of Fred the Octopus at the last Soccer World Cup the IMF have turned to his distant cousin the Veined Octopus (Amphioctopus marginatus) who will be choosing balls from a basket whilst blindfolded and underwater. His real identity is a closely guarded secret.</p> <p>The IMF have said they will only accept cash, gold or silver and tickets have to be purchased by the responsible Ministers for Finance in person. Some people have said that this last stipulation is to pave the way for future spin-offs such as a Wacky Races style competition based on following these Ministers whilst they purchase tickets. Sources say that fridays will be quite busy at their Pennsylvania Ave Headquarters in Washington DC, with all the foreign Dignitaries scrabbling to get a ticket in time.</p> <p>Gold is currently approx $61m per ton and so about 3 normal suitcases would be needed per ticket. George Osborne have been given manual handling advice by the Health and Safety executive who have advised him that that gold is about 20 times heavier than it looks. Mr Osborne stated that he would be announcing his New Fiscal Strategy For Full Economic Recovery at next weeks budget and a key part of ratifying the budget will be determining how many tickets to purchase each week. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=50398#post-145307 Tue, 23 Oct 2012 15:59:37 +0000 pinxit 145307@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>After inadvertently wearing a live microphone in a BBC toilet, Chancellor George Osborne found himself at the centre of another embarrassing gaffe when his private phone conversation was leaked to the press. </p> <p>In the conversation, extracts of which are reproduced below, Mr Osborne appears to make a series of extremely disparaging scatological remarks about certain sections of society, casting grave doubts as to the sincerity of the government's oft repeated 'we are all in it' assertion; that drastic economic cutbacks would be applied fairly across the classes, with the rich bearing the heaviest burden of responsibility.</p> <p>The Chancellor had just finished a TV interview with Andrew Marr at Television Centre when he dashed off for the toilet break. Floor staff and aides had forgotten to relieve him of the live mini microphone before he went. It recorded the discussion between the Chancellor and a friend, referred to as 'Biffo'.</p> <p>Staff in the TV control room were only alerted when odd noises, followed by a ringing phone and then Mr Osborne's voice came through their earphones.</p> <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/osbog3.jpg"><br /> <em>Privy councillor: 'In it' up to his neck…</em></p> <p>Here are some highlights from Mr Osborne's three minute conversation:</p> <p>'Yo Biffo. No, it's ok, I'm just on a bombing run at Pravda Central…. yah, relieving myself of the lumpen proletariat' <em>(laughter) </em>… slopping gruel in Oliver's bowl.' <em>(laughter)</em>… 'squeezing out the middle <em>(inaudible)</em> now… and those aren't pips you hear squeaking.' <em>(laughter) </em></p> <p>He then appears to refer to recent events concerning the resignation of the government's Chief Whip and his interview with Marr:</p> <p>'Just had to dodge a bunker blast from Wingnut about old cycle-clips. Mitchell's been a complete arse blumpkin over this plod biz. Dave should have dropped him faster than a ticking camel-jockey and fed him to the hungry hippos. Instead, he let him dangle like a Klingon crapple for yonks while Brutus made the most of it, floating an almighty air biscuit at Party Conf, the red-arsed blonde baboon.'</p> <p>Alluding to last Friday's incident on a Virgin train, when travelling in a First Class carriage on a Second Class ticket, Mr Osborne is heard to say:</p> <p>'...Beardy's bolshie fat controller… the little s**t. As if I'd want suppurating oiks and proles breathing all over me.'</p> <p>The conversation then descends into further ribald public-schoolboy toilet humour:</p> <p>'Just stocking the lake with another brown trout… <em>(laughter)</em>… Christ on a bike, I don't remember eating that.' <em>(laughter) (Toilet flush)</em>. </p> <p>The conversation ends abruptly as frantic banging on the cubicle door and agitated muffled voices are heard.</p> <p>After reading the complete leaked transcript, a senior Labour spokesman commented, 'In an unguarded moment we see the true face of this government. Both cheeks. For once the Chancellor is right. He really is 'in it' now.'</p> <p>Aides for Mr Osborne last night said he was both 'mortified' and 'constipated'. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142377 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:19:06 +0000 custard cream 142377@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant! max. stars! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142356 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:18:07 +0000 reforse 142356@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5* for the Leon Brittan line </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142329 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:54:20 +0000 button 142329@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love this Dusty </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142328 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:46:05 +0000 DustyBinLaden 142328@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>pinxit that is awesome. What's really brilliant is that if you cross Gove with Pink you get Deborah Meaden </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142317 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 11:28:21 +0000 Midfield Diamond 142317@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Some great lines in this, and the spiders' web on the face tattoo would make a great pic, even if the idea has been used before - I'm pretty sure a suitably-edited version of this made NiB: <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34444" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34444</a></p> <p>(There was a bloke down the fairground where I worked with such a tattoo, so I can't claim it was wholly my idea) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142308 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 10:50:14 +0000 pinxit 142308@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good stuff. Plenty of scope for pix... tho' it doesn't really need any.</p> <p>As for Gove... well, there's plenty of depths there to explore.</p> <p>Did you know he'd released a 'Pink' tribute album? Here it is from a couple of weeks ago...</p> <p><img src="http://i830.photobucket.com/albums/zz223/pinxit2/Satire/pinky_GOVE.jpg"></p> <p>Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142302 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 10:17:43 +0000 dvo4fun 142302@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sadly, I only just got the 'GOVE'/'LOVE' bit of "‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’": </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142270 Mon, 08 Oct 2012 08:21:04 +0000 moanygit 142270@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’":</p> <p>...superb. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142181 Sun, 07 Oct 2012 18:21:29 +0000 DustyBinLaden 142181@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Please don't shout. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142038 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 16:21:34 +0000 The Secret Cabal 142038@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>YOU ARE NOW A MEMBER OF THE CABAL. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU HAVE BEEN ...(what was that? stimulated? who the fuck are the borg? Oh)...ASSIMILATED. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-142032 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 15:40:11 +0000 dvo4fun 142032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Made me laugh Dusty esp "Weirdly though, when she sits down it looks like Leon Brittan is trying to climb out of her trousers." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-141984 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 11:29:26 +0000 waylandsmithy 141984@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Lovely job, that's a brilliant punch line. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49205#post-141977 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 11:15:14 +0000 DustyBinLaden 141977@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A regrettable night on the razz has left Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne sporting a massive spider’s web tattoo on his face, just a day before he presents the country’s headline economic strategy at the Tory conference. Michael Gove will deliver his keynote address with “The poor don’t need no education” scribed on his forehead.</p> <p>The incident-filled night out in central Birmingham has left many of the senior cabinet members, coalition ‘friends’ and media politicos with regrettable inkage, including the words ‘GOVE’ and ‘HATE’ on Vince Cable’s knuckles and ‘Dave’s Biaaaatch’ on Nick Clegg’s left buttock.</p> <p>Commenting on his tattoo, Mr Osborne said: ‘This, this… thing on my face, it’s… well, let’s see now… It’s about doing everything in my power, my Spidey power… yes, that’s it. I will use every sinew of my Spidey power… Nope. Something about representing the main strands of my economic dream for the nation? How does that sound?’ At which point, the Chancellor broke down. ‘Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. I am fucked. I am properly, properly fucked,’ he sobbed. </p> <p>An aide then led Mr Osborne gently from the room. </p> <p>Mr Gove, on the other hand, appears unrepentant and even rather proud of his tat. He’s been seen prodding it angrily with his finger and saying to people ‘See that? That’s what I’m fucking talking about.’</p> <p>Theresa May now has an epic ‘tramp stamp’ on her lower back, comprising an elaborate HR Giger-style biomechanical landscape, heavy on fetishistic sexual activity between humanoid aliens and futuristic machinery.</p> <p>‘Yeah, that didn’t really work,’ said Home Office minister James Brokenshire. ‘Too complex. Weirdly though, when she sits down it looks like Leon Brittan is trying to climb out of her trousers.’</p> <p>In an ironic twist, Sky presenter Kay Burley actually cried for the first time in her life after waking up to discover that two blue tears had been tattooed on her face, falling gently from her left eye. There are rumours that these were scribed some time before the night out, under direct instruction from Rupert Murdoch.</p> <p>Perhaps one of the most surprising revelations came when two strippers dressed as police officers playfully removed Andrew Mitchell’s clothes in the lobby of the Hyatt Regency hotel, whereupon it was discovered that Mitchell has long been tattooed from neck to ankle in tweed.</p> <p>Prime Minister David Cameron escaped a piece of permanent skin art, although not for want of trying. Tattooist Danny Brown said: ‘He asked for a heart and the name Richard Clayderman on his cheek, but I just couldn’t get the ink to stay on. It was like trying to tattoo an uncooked Poundland sausage.’</p> <p><em>Hat tip to waylandsmithy</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47572#post-136544 Fri, 31 Aug 2012 19:12:07 +0000 Reg Herring 136544@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Voters are perplexed as to why they voted in incompetent public schoolboys to ruin the UK economy, then they realised it was to get rid of Gordon Brown, so now don’t feel quite so bad.</p> <p>Onto Showbiz news now and the extraordinary breaking story that George Galloway is back on Big Brother. Due to falling ratings and despite the best innuendos Julian Clary can muster, gorgeous George is to be given another outing for a fee believed to be in the region of £2 million. “I am sworn to secrecy” said George “but I am working on my new catchphrase ‘would you like to taste my pussy?’” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-136032 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:47:08 +0000 writinginbsl 136032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>very good</p> <p>very late stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-136031 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:04:27 +0000 Squudge 136031@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I concur with groberts and Mr Squirrel </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-135632 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 21:08:56 +0000 quango 135632@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Glad I'm not the only one - he did a terrible job with the grouting in my bathroom. Someone needs to call rogue trading... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-135596 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 16:28:00 +0000 groberts 135596@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5*...but I wish the story wasn't so true! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-135557 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:09:06 +0000 Midfield Diamond 135557@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yours and Gery's are both excellent but very different takes on the same story. Stars for both I reckon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-135444 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 08:59:34 +0000 bonjonelson 135444@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Splendid! Five badly painted stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-135440 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 08:19:23 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 135440@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I had “unauthorised” at first (because that’s what it says on the BBC story, and I’d copied chunks straight out of there and then changed some of the words) but it wasn’t unauthorised, he had Cameron’s full support.</p> <p>It probably does work better if we pretend he didn’t though doesn’t it? I’ll change it back. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-135439 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 08:13:37 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 135439@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If only this wasn't a true story... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-135438 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 08:13:33 +0000 Al OPecia 135438@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Oh, well spotted 5*.</p> <p>"But - "unauthorised" might be better? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47185#post-135435 Thu, 23 Aug 2012 08:08:06 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 135435@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A middle-aged Chancellor has stunned UK officials with an alarming and unauthorised attempt to restore a once proud economy.</p> <p>The man, in his early 40s, was reportedly upset at the way the economy had deteriorated over the years and took it upon himself to ‘restore’ it, with disastrous results. Financial analysts say the delicate balance of manufacturing and service industries, that has provided jobs for hundreds of years, has been buried under a haphazard splattering of cuts and poorly thought out policies.</p> <p>The economy is not thought to be overly valuable in today’s market, but has a high sentimental value for UK residents who have become quite attached to their jobs. It is hoped that the worst of the damage can still be undone and the amateur restorer is due to meet with financial experts next week to explain exactly what type of policies he used, and see if it can be fixed.</p> <p>‘We’re sure that Mr Osborne had the best of intentions but unfortunately a significant amount of harm had already been caused before he realised he was horribly, horribly out of his depth, and called for help.’ explained a senior financial analyst, who will be trying to work out exactly what the hapless Chancellor has done, and why on earth he has done it.</p> <p>David Cameron will be heavily involved in the decision making and is optimistic that the ill-advised restoration attempt can be rectified.</p> <p>‘We will meet early next week and discuss how to proceed. Hopefully it can be undone but if not we will probably just blame it all on the previous Labour Government. Or invade Syria in an attempt to distract everybody.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46072#post-132529 Sat, 28 Jul 2012 09:29:32 +0000 Reg Herring 132529@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Chancellor George Osborne was forced to apologise today over another flag mix-up: “I said I would fly the flag for Britain and never give up but, f**k it, I’m waving the white flag now. I’m out of my depth and haven’t got a clue what I’m doing, so I’m off. Goodbye.” </p>